Ask Me Help Desk - Son's future wife problems

I am having problems with my son's future wife already. She is from a different part of the US than us so we have different beliefs and behaviours to start. She told me last night that I am mean to her, that I have to have things my way or no other way. No one in our family likes this girl except my oldest son that is going to marry her. She told me last night that my husband and youngest son are the only ones that are nice to her. I have gone out of my way to do things for this girl. When she moved to our state, we allowed her to stay at our house for 3 weeks waiting on them to find a apartment in a town a hour away. Her mother lives in another state so I have been going with her to caterer and florist appointments for the wedding and trying to give her advice in the wedding and living in our area as well. I even gave her a wedding shower last weekend which she acted like she didn't appreciate because no on else offered. When I have said something to my son something about this girl he has gone to her and said what I have said as well as told me what she has said about me. I have decided to not say a word about her to anyone other than my husband and to take several big steps backword. If my son says something about her I will say that is nice and change the subject. I just don't see how we can ever get along. What do I do? Please help!!

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Originally Posted by southern belle

so I have been going with her to caterer and florist appointments for the wedding and trying to give her advice in the wedding and living in our area as well.

I may be reading between the lines here but I suspect what you consider helpful advice she sees as controlling.

What I suggest you do is take her to lunch alone. Explain to her that maybe she is misinterpreting your actions because of the difference in backgrounds. Tell her that you really want welcome her into the family and want her to feel comfortable. Ask her what you can do to show her that.

Explain to her also, that the two of you may not always agree on things, but the only way to prevent problems is to keep the lines of communication open and respect that you each have your own ways and respect the right of each of you to do things your own way.

I think what you decided to do is the best bet. Take a step back, and don't put her down to your son - he is going to marry her. I wonder why her own family are not helping with the flowers and caterers. It's a stressful time at the best of times and definitely not the ideal situation to be getting to know your new daughter in law.

I'm going to venture the guess that by "a different part of the country" you're meaning that she's a Yankee... having been in a similar relationship with a Southern gentleman, I too, felt the same frustration as your future daughter in law...

Ours did not work out - he disappeared... and that is a whole different story - but here's what I felt...

The "helpful hints" and the "going out of your way" IS being viewed by her as not supportive and full of ulterior motives. I'm not saying that yours are, in any way, but yes, she does think of you as trying to control your son's life.

Your statement, "If my son says something nice about her I agree and change the subject..." I'm not sure that's the best thing. Have you told your son that you are having this hard time? What about her? Have you sat down with her over a cup of tea (preferably sweet! I'm a transplanted, TN loving, Yankee girl!) and told her that you know she is going to make your son happy and that you are here for her if she needs you? Does she know that you really want to make it work?

I know that in my case, it was a huge issue, dealing with the differences from the South and the North... its sad (I'm a historian, I truly detest it), but it's a fact. The best thing to do is to really show her that Southern hospitality, be honest and upfront, and truly support her.

(And believe me, I understand that us Yankee girls can get quite belligerent at times... I'm not condoning that in her, whatsoever... but you're going to be a family for their happily ever after... make the most of today so that tomorrow will be beautiful.)

Just a Northerners opinion! :)

If she needs help let her ask for it. Otherwise just be pleasant and a lttle distant. Your son is not helping by carrying tales either. Don't put him in the middle, he is in loooove, you will lose. It is not your wedding, no one will whisper about your color choices or food selections. Or even the caterer, let her choose taco bell if she wants. Carry on, Southern Belle, take care of yourself. Be cool. Life will go on. And you do want to be a part of your grandchildrens life if that happens.

You are both in a difficult situation. You have to adjust to having a daughter-in-law and seeing your oldest get married. You're probably frustrated at the miscommunication, stress of a wedding, and changing relationship with your son.

She has to adjust to a mother-in-law and being married. She's probably frustrated with the miscommunication, stress of a wedding, and the changing relationship with your son.

She's trying to gain independence as a soon to be married women while you're both trying to hold on and nurture a relationship with your son... see what I'm getting at?

Wedding plans make life especially stressful and that could be a big part of what's going on between you. For the sake of peace, try being the "silent partner" until she specifically asks for thoughts/opinions. This isn't to try and bend over backwards for her... its to nurture a new relationship as the "mother" to a new "daughter". It will take time and the more you see each other the more it will (hopefully) improve. The key, however, may be to give her some breathing room and "rise above" the situation.

It's a difficult growing period for anyone... and honestly, I think it's a good thing that your son is loyal enough to her to speak up. He might have seemed disloyal to you in doing so, but I'm sure that wasn't his intention. He was probably trying to improve communication and be open with his future wife. Give him some slack... as a soon to be married man, he's got a lot to learn!

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When I have said something to my son something about this girl he has gone to her and said what I have said as well as told me what she has said about me. I have decided to not say a word about her to anyone other than my husband and to take several big steps backword.

I think your son is at the bottom of a lot of the problems you have with her and not discussing his wife to him is the way to go. Back off and let her come to you, and be supportive, but not intrusive. She is young and a little insecure, and I imagine afraid as her life is changing and she has no one on her side. Be understanding, and smack your son upside his head, for being a busybody.