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This is kind of a weird problem. My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me anymore. I have to force him to almost. He enjoys it when we do it. I just don't know what's going on. We have been together a little less than a year. We started mutually wanting to do stuff. Now, it seems like I have to jump him when I get excited. It's weird he can't do it two days in a row. We briefly did one night and the next he said he was too tired from the night before. Do I have something to worry about?
I have to admit, I find sex with my girlfriend a bit of a poor, pretty much the same old thing, I think variety may help, whether its position, toys, what you do, or it could be something more serious, like stress or it maybe from being to tired, what's his sleep pattern like?
You're not married; you have invested a year, that's enough, time to move on. I sense no honesty and no communication here.
I agree... if he doesn't want it now... how is he going to be after a few years of marriage? Move one, and count your blessings you found out now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Choux
As a comment to the first one, we do have variety and switch it up. He works at the hospital during the day and plays his computer games until he decides to come over. To the second and third, how can I just move on like that? You make it sound so easy. I really care and love this person. I'm honest and tell him everything I think and feel. Do you think I should still break it off?
In order to be as happy as you can be in life, you must make decisions that are best *for you*... not the easiest...
sexual compatibility is something that should be discussed and thought about.
should you leave him outright because of this? Perhaps not. But you have some serious thinking.
are you willing to live like this the rest of your life? Yes or no? You aren't married, but I'm assuming you are in the relationship because it hasn't hit the point where that's just never going to happen... or has it?
I've loved women I couldn't be with. It happens.
and... long term relationships do take some work... and sometimes the two people are on different pages.
for ex, my partner is a morning sex person. I am absolutely a night sex person. So we compromise... meaning now I'm a morning sex person. =)
id like to have sex more often than her. I try not to badger her about it and pick reasonable times to try to make it work out... not just when I'm ready. She, in turn, does a pretty good job of trying to keep me from being pent up and not being turned off by having sex when maybe she isn't climbing the walls for it.
so... the reason I might say don't cut and run outright is cause even in other relationships sex might very well take some effort. Some work. Believe me, it isn't any easier when you have kids running around... you have to want it enough to make time for it and make time for each other.
does he ever get you off orally? I'm thinking that if I'm too worn out, at least I can do this for my partner. What... his mouth is too tired?
best thing you can do is tell him outright what you need sexually. Not accuse or yell... but say... "look... i need this sexually (fill in the blank) or im going to feel neglected and unfulfilled"
after that, he's either on board or not.
my lover once said she wasn't getting oral enough. *bing* guess what I did? Changed my thinking. Read a few sex books. Spent more time on her. That effort has certainly been paid back to me.
here... buy a book. "she comes first" its about oral sex, but really about thinking about the female body. Read it yourself and ask him to. If he doesn't, well, you know you aren't his priority. If he does, maybe it'll help him think about your body and some new things to consider...
though you never said you weren't getting sexual satisfaction, just not often enough.
at some point, something has to give. If you choose to stay in a relationship where you have a roommate and not a lover, it becomes something you accept. You can't choose to stay with him and complain about it in the long run.
so maybe one serious effort to make this right is in order? After that, its time to decide if you are willing to accept less sex and be the one who chases in the bedroom.
princessakelly writes: "I really care and love this person. I'm honest and tell him everything I think and feel. Do you think I should still break it off?" Fair enough; does he have similar feelings for you? I think we all agree that this sounds like a 'marital' problem, so perhaps some marital counseling would be beneficial. I think you should talk to him just like you have approached the issue here, but don't do this at home; go out somewhere and tell him you have something very important on your mind to discuss with him. And find a competent counselor at the local mental health clinic, or with a trained pastor, priest, or rabbi. If he is unwilling, you may have your answer about what to do.
Didn't say it would be easy... but incompatibility as far as sex drives WILL fuel a lot of stress, and resentment because of your deprivation.Quote:
Originally Posted by princessakelly
You may want to take the high road and say it doesn't matter but it IS going to be an issue. And for many people sex will drop off after a period of marriage. Not for everyone but I would bet in his case it certainly would. It takes a healthy sex drive and desire to keep things interesting to keep things going and frequent into your second and even third decade of marriage. This guy has all but given up and you aren't even married yet. That's just not normal.
Few people really want celibacy. And I fear with this guy that's pretty much what you can expect.
No, it's really not about compromising. He tries to do oral for a few minutes but it's weird he gets mad when I try to even kiss him or touch him. It's just so awkward
Do you two ever watch movies, like training videos, together, of course?
Again.. this is not a normal behavior for a guy. There is something going on in his brain that you either haven't said or aren't even aware of.Quote:
Originally Posted by princessakelly
He's not interested. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. But sounds like intimacy and sex are "obligations" that he doesn't care for.Quote:
Originally Posted by princessakelly
Seriously... I know you care about the guy, but I think he's off the deep end. Most long term relationships hit lulls and need work, but c'mon!
He gets mad when you try to touch or kiss him?? I've been with my wife for ten years and I get pent up if I can't kiss or touch her everyday! I'm always trying to find that time when we can be alone and intimate, and I'm not just talking about sex... tho' I'm not knocking that either. I'm talking about touching and kissing and being connected. There isn't enough time in the day for me to say "ok... thats enough of that"...
I'm sorry. Kick his ungrateful rear out the door. If your loving affection puts him off that much, he doesn't deserve it.
No its not easy. But you get to choose. You can deal with the acute pain of breaking it off, knowing this guy isn't giving you what you need or even letting you give him any attention... or you can deal with the long, drawn out death of a relationship that is tearing you apart emotionally.
I wouldn't spend another moment wasted on someone who gets mad when I try to show simple affection.
I tend tell people to take a chance, try some things to turn a relationship around, do the work. Not here. Here's the test...
If he treated you like this when you first started dating, would you have stayed? If the answer is no, then why do you stay? He should be getting closer to you over time, not more distant. What would you be leaving? A guy that might be good in some ways, but who is not interested in giving you affection and not interested in receiving any.
He is willing to live a sexless life. You get to choose whether that's OK. If you stay, you choose it.
Sorry you are in this place. You should demand more. You deserve more.
"He tries to do oral for a few minutes but it's weird he gets mad when I try to even kiss him or touch him. it's just so awkward"... you said it. Read your comment. What is he really doing? Interpretation: He is pushing you away. Kp2171 gave you a goof advice, but so did smoothy. Opposite ends, but both good. Only you know what to do. Why don't you just go with intuition. How do you feel when he doesn't want you to kiss him. I went through that once, some guy asked me not to kiss him and moved his head away. That was the last time I saw him. (self-pride) Then again, I've been in a relationship where I did not want to kiss the guy, simply because I was disgusted. I didn't love him anymore. You need to evaluate your feelings. I'm sure you can find someone that really wants to kiss you and be with you. Trying to do oral for a few minutes is not enough. Oral can be done for as many minutes as it takes for you to be satisfied. My current boyfriend sometimes is tired, but I understand he works about 7o hour/week. If he chooses his computer instead of you after work, that is a message. I recommend that you break up, even if you love him. Because the problem here is not you, it's him. As cruel as it may sound, I don't think he is interested in you. I know you will come back with excuses such as... but he says he loves me.. ect... that my dear friend... is called denial. It will be hard, but I'm sure you posses many qualities that will attract a nice man for you. I wish you the best.
Ladies you are all thinking about this problem the wrong way... Need I remind you that you are hot, sexy and beautiful? So quit worrying about him or if he wants to have sex. Do YOU want to is the better question!
If you do, start having sex for YOU! Don’t worry about him, what he wants, what he is thinking. You should have one thing on your mind- how can I get off? What can he do for YOU? What do you want him to do to you? TELL HIM! If you are completely caught up in your own pleasure and orgasm, your man is going to flip out. HE is the one that is doing that to you! He is a freakin rock star! Get it?? You are making him feel really good about himself and that's all that anyone really wants in the end, right?
You can’t fake this by the way. Moaning and grabbing some sheets doesn’t cut it. Get in to it, block everything out and feel it to the core. Sex is pure pleasure! Let yourself feel it for once. If you really want him, he is not going to be able to resist you! You need to tell him sincerely with pure passion and raw desire that you want him right then and there AND mean it! He is going to want you. If he touches you and you are already hot and ready to go, again, he is going to flip out.
So the trick here is to concentrate on you and do it for you. You will be amazed at the turn around in your boyfriend. The consequence of you actually focusing on yourself is that you end up boosting his confidence and he is going to want you more. You have to put the power of pleasure in your own hands. He's no longer responsible, although he will take full credit! That's OK, you want him to. He needs to know he's good in bed, that he is sexy and that you can't resist him!
Now do not attempt this as soon as he walks in the door from work or while he is watching his favorite sport. Get the timing right. You know your man, when does he normally like to do it? That's the time to get him. Or while he is watching the game, tell him you have to go do your own thing for a few hrs but drop him a note on the way out the door saying that you are going to come home and rip his clothes off with your teeth when that game is over.
It sounds backward right? How do I do this if he won't sleep with me in the 1st place? If you approach him with the right attitude and desire, he's going to want you. If you follow through to the next step and have sex for yourself, he's going to melt in your palms. Then I will have to give you advice on how to keep him off you!
You don't need to measure your worth and your attractiveness in how much he wants you. You already know who you are- you are an amazing, beautiful, sexy female who goes after what she wants. P.S. You will get it!
I agree with much of what you say in general... I've always been most attracted to confident women and a woman whod put me to the wall and take what "what hers"... it was always a turn on... when my lover reaches down to self stim during intercourse I don't think "what am i doing wrong" I think "she isnt going to be denied" and that is a great turn on, at least for me...Quote:
Originally Posted by smartygirl
That said... this statement also places the burden largely on her... if SHE approached it "correctly" then it will work... and I think that's unfair to her a little... at least lets place an asterisk there... she needs to think about herself first and if he doesn't respond then he's a dud... not that she still isn't "doing it right"...
Confidence IS sexy as sin, at least to me. A driven woman always amped up my drive even more... so your ideas worked, at least in my world...
But all that said... its always a little quid pro quo, at least most of the time. One partner showing interest can feed the other partners desires.
I sincerely hope he has half a clue and would be excited and aroused by her abandoning "his needs" and taking control of her own, losing herself in, well, herself.
But its not always that simple.
So I agree with most of that post... as long as we let him have some room to be a jackarse... because as much as she might concentrate on herself and her ability to lose herself in the moment... there's still that desire for a lover with half a clue... and if he doesn't respond at all, it isn't "her fault" necessarily.
If sex were just about getting to orgasm, men would own mor hand towels and women would own all the batteries. Sometimes a part of mentally letting go and releasing is tied to your trust that your partner is right there with you... and if he isn't, it isn't all her fault.
Yeah... at this point, she should be completely focused on herself. If he doesn't find that arousing, he isn't worth the time, and she shouldn't feel like she did anything wrong.
And a guy that gets mad when she wants to touch him or kiss him?? Sounds like she IS doing what she wants and he isn't responding favorably...
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