I am married to the woman of my dreams. We are going through some tough times right now. This is not me trying to blame any of those problems on a mental illness, just so we are all clear. The problem is that I believe the underlying mental illness will impede our ability to get through this rough spot. Basically, compounding the problem. What I am asking is how to bring up this possibility with my wife. Of course anything I say right now is me trying to "wiggle" or "blame" our problems on something else. She has a family history of bi-polar (her mother) and is exhibiting almost all of the classic symptoms. I found this out because I went to a therapist because I though I may be bi-polar at the urging of others, but when he started going through actions and real symptoms I could not stop thinking of my wife fitting the mold exactly. We have two children whom we love very much. I will love and support her no matter what she goes through in life, whether we are married or not. She is my best friend. I just want to know if anyone has encountered the problem of getting some to address a problem like bi-polar? Give me some advice, and remember I can push very little because of the dynamics of the situation. I appreciate everyone's help!

I have been around several that were diagnosed and several that were not officially diagnosed. It is not an easy problem to officially diagnose either. There is no easy way to do it either as they probably are not aware that anything is wrong with them or the way they act. It is inheritable also. I've seen a mother pass it along to her daughter and son, and the son pass it along to his daughter.

Sometimes medications do not work especially if the person drinks alcohol or does any kind of drugs, i.e. pot, coke, meth, etc. This type of personality actually falls prey to drink and drugs very, very easily. And once they start drinking or drugging, look out as Frankenstein is here to stay. They will literally trash their own home, wake up the next day and not remember a thing. (I've seen it)

If the person likes to get up at say 2AM or 3AM and call people on the phone and start chatting away like it's 4PM, look out also.

You are in for a nightmare ride so fasten your seatbelt and do some reading on the subject. It's not going to be easy.

First of all... no offense, but there is no disease or condition that could ever make living with my wife a "nightmare". I love her unconditionally, I just want to make sure she is getting all the tools she needs to lead a hppy life. I understand that this condition, if that is in fact what is "wrong" with her, will make life a little tougher. Having her and our kids together and working together will allow us to overcome whatever gets put in front of us.

Thanks for the response. I know that this condition has a strong root in genetics and her mother is a diagnosed bi-polar. This is one of the main causes for my worry. I love my wife very much, but I know that over the last couple years she has been all over the place emotionally. The tough part is that we have had a lot going on also, getting married, having our second baby, moving two times, a new business for me, several new jobs for her, lies and an affair prior to our marriage, money problems, etc. The thing is I have really been trying to wait this all out. Trying to wait until the rest of our life is in more order before I bring up the possibility of bi-polar. Now the problem lies in the fact that I feel that it is a very strong possibility that this disease may not let us fix the rest of our issues. My wife's mood is so unpredictable. She is a great mother and there is not another person on Earth I would want to have kids with, but lately I honetly worry about leaving them alone with her. I know she would never hurt them, but I worry about her depression and preoccupation opening the door to one of them hurting themselves. Even my little 5 year old knows that something is "wrong with mommy". THe common thread when this is talked about is "why does there have to be something wrong with me? Maybe it is just you" or "why can't it all just be your fault" or "there is nothing wrong with me you are just trying to escape blame for where our relationship is". I am just sincerely worried. Then to top it off I am worried that if she does go to the pyschologist for an analysis she may not be able or know to answer the questions. She doesn't see very many of her changes, she is oblivious to many. I worry because I see all these statistics of being misdiagnosed for 10 years and that 7 out of 10 people are misdiagnosed at least once. I just don't want this treatable disease, that I know I can live with and help her through to be a main contributing factor of our marriage failing. If our marriage ens I just want t know she will be OK and be abl to be happy and responsible enough to take care of our kids when she has them. I love her to death I just want to know the best plan, should I go to the pyschologist with her, or have her go on her own? How to a push her to do this in a timely fashion? Thanks!

Yes, I know love is blind, and right now you're wearing the rosey glasses and not really fessing up to the fact of her problem. You are in denial, which is understandable.

Trust me, she is going to get worse before she gets better. The fact you love her and insist that whatever it is you'll still love her. That's all fine and good right now. You can still go on loving her, dear. But the main thing I wanted to bring to your attention is the fact that it is going to wrench you emotionally into a million pieces asking yourself why, why, why. Why didn't I do this for her. Why didn't I do that for her.

Yes, she can escalate and her conditon can make her physically lash out at the kids while she is in a rage. She could possibly hit them in one of her rages and be sorry about it the next day. If the kids are already noticing something is wrong with mommy, then she is getting pretty close from the way it sounds to where the physical side will be coming out shortly.

Please, just take her for the help and stop pussyfooting around. You did not mention if she does drugs or alcohol. If she does do either, then please take her ASAP for help.

All right, you are intitled to your opinion on what becomes of all this. I appreciate your concern. She has not become physical at all yet, save a few well placed blows during an argument with me. As you say, more than anything I am worried about any progression. I am reading to learn more about this disease or disorder to try and figure out prior to going to the pyschologist if it is really what is wrong with her. I am not completely sold yet, but many of the symptoms match and there are too many to pass it as coincidence and let it be, especially with the family history. As far as drugs and alcohol, no drugs, but she does drink. She always has been a little more of a "party girl" though and I can't be sure if right now it is her way of rebelling or not. She says she drinks because it is the only time she can clear her mind and relax. I would say about 75% of the time she drinks "too much" by most peoples standards, which relates to blackouts, vomiting, and passing out. It isn't frequent enough for me to think it is a "problem" though. It is once maybe twice a week.

Last night we talked. She agreed to see a psychologist to get a psychological profile done, but still won't go to counseling either alone, or couples. I guess I am going to give her benefit of the doubt that she will actually do it. I desperately hope she does. If not for herself or me, at least for the kids. I just know that this woman I have been living with for the last couple months is not my wife. She has also experiened many symptoms that would indicate a hormonal imbalance such as incredibly irregular periods and excessively long periods (the current one has lasted over two weeks). I just don't know where to go with this. There seem to be so many things that can explain parts of how she is feeling and acting. The situation is so ridiculously cmplicated with so many emotions and triggers and feelings and cause and effects. I am just overwhelmed and lost and I do not know how much longer I can keep the sile on my face. Our whole relationship is overwhelmed. I will update everyone if anything changes or we find anything out. In te mean time feel free to pass on any advice or past experiences you think may help me and my family.

Thanks for your time.

She does have a drinking problem. If she drinks as you put it only once a week and still blacks out and vomits, etc. Honey, she drinks way way tooooo much and you are probably not even mildly aware of just how much and when she drinks when you are not around.

I lived with a bipolar man who did drugs and drank. When he drank he turned into Frankenstein in a jiffy. I can only tell you from what I've read about the problem and the problem I encountered with this jerk - bipolars CANNOT drink alcohol at all - PERIOD. It triggers something inside their mind chemical wise and it makes them worse big time.

You are still in denial that this woman is a drunk. I went to plenty of AA and Alanon meetings to know the difference between a person who drinks and a drunk. She is a drunk period. Anyone who blacks out and vomits has had way too much to drink.

Honey, I don't have to convince you about anything. YOU have to wake up and do something now about her. The fact she is already hitting you during arguments means that she has already started her spiral downward into the depths of this chemical imbalance in her head. Drinking only exacerbates her problem.

I'm just trying to help you see the big picture here, dear, as life with a bipolar is not fun. She could also have hormonal imbalances as well. She needs to see her regular medical doctor to straighten that out also. She needs to also get help with the drinking. I was married to a drunk who thought having 3 beers before going to work was OK. So I have been there, done that. Just trying to help you to help her and your family.

I surely appreciate your vantage point. I just don't know. I mean I am only 25 and my wife is 24 and we both grew up and went to college in today's age when drinking like that is just one of the by products of partying. Maybe that is where I need to fix my thought process. I don't drink like that anymore, and no I don't think it is ideal, but don't think I would ever classify her with a "drinking problem" or an alcoholic. I mean she drinks when she goes out to the ar or to a house party. It isn't like my view of a drinking problem or alcoholics that drink all hours of the day and can't not drink. I think she can "not drink" but it just seems to be her escape right now. I see the big picture... that is why I am on here trying to hear what others have to say. I think another problem may be that the people she goes to for support (family and close friends) still live a lifestyle of drinking and partying as much as fiscally and phsically possible.

I just don't know. All I know is where she is at, where I am at, and where our family is at is not a healthy place for multiple reasons. I just want to attack the mot fundamental of the problems and try to progress from there. I really appreciate you insight, but I don't think my wife is anywhere near the person you are describing your ex as. She is just struggling right now and needs help. The people that would usually help hr aren't the right ones to help with this and I just want to help her be a happy mother of two and wife of one of the luckiest guys in the world.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are having a hard time right now! It is wonderful that you have convinced your wife to see a doctor and find out what is going on. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to convince the person that they need to seek help, and it sounds like you have done that, so that is great.

After her doctor helps her find out what the problem is, they can start to treat it. She will begin feeling much better then. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right type/combo of medication. There are so many things out there and everyone is different, so a medicine that might work well for one person may not work for another. But, be patient. It may take time, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Bipolar disorder can be successfully treated. It sounds like you guys have had a rough time recently as far as your relationship goes, and I agree with you that marriage counseling would be good. But, at least your wife is going to seek help for mental health. Hopefully she will begin to feel better when she gets treatment, and then maybe she will be more open to the idea of marriage counseling. Make sure she tells the doctor that she drinks. Some medications can't be taken if you drink.

Here are some websites that I hope may help you and your wife:

http://www.bipolar.com/family_and_fr...p_someone_html

Caring For Someone With Bipolar Disorder

Mental Health America: Welcome

www.dbsalliance.org

I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted. So many people have overcome this disorder! I applaud you for encouraging her to get help! :)

Thanks Peggy. This is getting so tough, because now I keep going back and forth whether this is what her problem may be or not. I mean my therapist said from what he has heard from me and her family history it sounds like a fit, but what makes it tough is I have such a horrible memory, especially with timelines. And who knows what she is aware of or not (and if she is what she will really tell a psychologist). I just love her so much and care so much for her happiness that this is wreaking havoc on my soul. The more information I am reading on all of this the more I am leaning toward Bipolar II or Rapid Cycling Bipolar. I don't know. Wheter it ends up being bipolar or not, there is definitley something not right from a mental health standpoint. I would be very happy if it was not bipolar :-) We as a family have been trying to just let whatever this is run its course for about two months now. I just feel I, or someone, needs to get proactive otherwise our marriage and family is doomed. Hopefully, a Dr. visit wll yield something tangible. Thanks again!

I think the Dr. visit will help you both to feel better. Absolutely be proactive! Good for you! Just keep encouraging her to be honest with the doctor. It will be worth it when she gets treatment for whatever is wrong. She will feel so much better.

Also encourage her to see a OB-GYN if she hasn't already to discuss her irregular periods. Sometimes anemia can be a factor with long periods.

I know it's hard right now, but I promise it will get better. The good thing is that she has a good husband who is pulling for her! I'm always on here if you need to talk. In the meantime, maybe it would be good for you to continue seeing a counselor even if she isn't willing to. It may help you get through this time. Good luck to you both and I'm sure things will get better! :)

Peggy has some good sites to visit. I didn't say my husband was my ex. He can't be my ex as he is deceased. I was just giving you an idea of how a full blown alcoholic acts.

The fact she drinks as I said before is not good. I was trying to have you see that her drinking is way beyond being sociable as puking and blacking out is indicative of a heavy hitter.

Your therapist probably has more insight to her than you even think.

Your wife has a problem with alcohol. She is an alcoholic. That seems like a side issue at this point however, unless she drinks more than you realize. I used to be drunk all day and my husband never knew it. He'd sit beside me telling me how screwed up I was for hours, trying to fix me... I'd go into the laundry room and drink some more while I folded clothes.

Not saying your wife is doing that at all. I just want to remind you to listen, look and smell while you're with her. Alcohol ingestion, even once a week, if it causes a black-out is a problem. What if you were in an accident and she needed to get the kids and pick you up? Could she? Any emotional, situational or hormonal problem she may be having is exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol. You two are young, but partying with booze may be something to grow out of now.

OK... I appreciate everyone's two cents here, but we need to tone it down a little. You are all very helpful in your own way, but this is my wife and the love of my life you are talking about, so let's TRY to keep the overly negative and accusatory comments to a minimum. We both know that we both have issues that need to be dealt with. I would like to consider myself a pretty smart individual. So, yes I know what to look for as other "signs of an alcoholic". She is not an alcoholic, at least not by my standards.

Peggy, I very much appreciated what you said. This is my feeling all along. I think our best course of action would be OB/GYN (for the female abnormalities and a hormone level work-up) with a referral to a psychologist for the mental/mood disorder, and then when diagnosed with whatever it may be continue with some individual and couples therapy with everything (all our problems, self-inflicted and medical) on the plate in front of us. No skeletons in the closet, nothing to run into later and attribute further problems too. The problem herein lies. The phrase "I think" "We should" "You should" "Let's do this" etc are all viewed as confrotational and they all push her further away. She is so defensive that she doesn't want to relinquish anything that might be termed as "my control". I want her and us to get better if we can. I just don't know how to "push" or "introduce" what I and many people think to be the proper course of events to her. She is such a lovely person. She is so amazing in all aspects of the word. She is a loving mother, a great friend, a wonderful lover, the hit of the party, selfless, supporting, just all around perfect girl (ie. Why I married her ;-) ) . She just isn't herself anymore. I know the pain I caused. I know the hurt of being hurt by some you love. I know what she is going through, but I also know that all of what is going on in NO WAY can be attributed to my mistake. She has turned into a downright cruel and mean spirited person. Her will to live her everyday life and plan for the future is diluted at best. She refuses to remember everything we have and had. She is just shutting me out more and more each day. Kids are starting to get it once in awhile too. I just need to make something happen before it is too late.

If anyone can spell it out for me as far as how I confront her and get her to go through some steps with me it would be much appreciated. I will hold her hand the whole way if necessary. I just don't know much about the psychological tactics involved with getting someone to start a process like this. Please help?

Well, it can be hard to bring this kind of subject up with someone. I would recommend that you make another appointment with the therapist you saw before. He can probably give you some good advice on how to encourage your wife to get help. Sometimes a mental health professional can work with you and your family to set up an intervention, depending on how serious things are.

I would start by encouraging her to see her GP and OB-GYN. Maybe tell her that you are worried because of her irregular periods and want to make sure she is OK. That might be enough to get her in the door at least. Perhaps you could meet with her doctor ahead of time and tell him/her that you are concerned about your wife's mental health. That way the doctor will have an idea of what is going on with her, and perhaps he/she will be able to ask her more questions about moods and such and give her advice about depression, etc.

If she has any family or friends that you feel comfortable talking to about this, maybe you could ask them to tactfully encourage her to get help. Now, of course she will most likely get upset if she knows that you went and talked to people about this, so you have to make sure that the person brings it up in the right way. Maybe just having a friend/relative telling her, "You know, you seem like you aren't happy, is everything OK? Will help her start thinking about getting help.

Ask your therapist if he can recommend a good book that you can leave laying around the house. I mean, not something in-your-face that will make her feel like you are sending her a message, but maybe a novel about a someone dealing with depression or something like that. I don't know any good ones really, sorry. But, you know, something that she will see you reading and might pick up sometime.

Hope this helps! She might get mad and defensive, but keep on telling her what you are telling her. As far as the drinking goes, alcohol is a depressant, even in small quantities. So any drinking at all might make her feel even worse. Maybe ask the doctor to tell her about that. Also try to see if you guys can take walks together to get her some fresh air and sunshine. That always is good when people are depressed. (although if you live somewhere it gets cold in winter like me, that might not be a good idea right now) Just be strong and keep kindly telling her that you are concerned, love her very much, and want to make sure that she is happy.

Thanks Peggy! You are telling me to do exactly what my gut has told me to do. Unfortunetly, some of these ideas have backfired already, but I am going to stay positive. I think she is coming around. I think she is tired of being so unhappy. I think she is tired of being so mean to me (yes she admits to knowing she is treating me like crap and that I don't deserve it). I know she sees it is starting to affect the babies. I think the end is nearing. I have given some pretty strong urgings the last couple days, basically saying that we need to take strides to get back on track. I just hope she sees it as me caring about her and trying to help and not as me trying to further my own agenda. I guess in a way it's tough because her being happy is my agenda so they coincide. I am trying to push, but not too hard. I have a therapy appointment again tomorrow morning. I am going to use this one more for dealing with things wrong with me. I know a lot of our duress right now has to do with me and my insecurities and my past insecurities. I am hoping that if she sees that I am truly committed to helping myself and therefore us, that she will be more willing to follow suit. You know, it is just so tough for me right now because I know something isn't right. I mean there are the obvious misfortunes our relationship is going to have to deal with, but I know the woman I love and this just isn't her. I need to get some work done though. I really appreciate all of your time and advice. I hope I can keep coming here and talking to people it is helping me a lot. Let me know if I start to bug any of you! Until next time!

Absolutely come here to talk whenever you want! You're not bugging anyone! :)

Hang in there. You know the saying, "It's always darkest before dawn". That may be true in your case. It is really great that she is starting to come around. It sounds like you are doing everything right. She is lucky to have someone like you pulling for her. Everyone makes mistakes, so don't beat yourself up for things in the past. You are making every effort to move forward and work on you, so don't feel guilty. Just learn from the mistakes and then let it go. I think you are right about how if she sees that you are committed, then she may be more willing to go. You are setting a wonderful example for her. Good luck and I hope everything works out soon!

Wow... that absolutely backfired. I just tried to have a nice conversation with my wife, but I always seem to step on my tongue. I purposely leave points of a subject alone because I know they will be turned on me, but I never follow my gut and I always give into her "don't worry I won't get mad at you" thing. Anyway, question for some of you. I feel like my wife brought up a good point tonight, and I wonder if it isn't the same for others. I am a talker, by nature and trade. The problem is I always feel misunderstood. I have always thought other people just need to listen better, but after tonight I understand if I used my own logic the problem would clearly be me, not them.

I feel that I have a communication problem. Every time I talk people view it as condescending or overly critical. This fact isn't helping my situation. I truly don't intend to come off that way 90% of the time (I intend to be a sarcastic smart a** once in awhile just like everybody else ;-) ). The fact that I apparently do this or come off this way does not lend well to the fact that my wife and her family that I am dealing with in all this are overly defensive. Kind of an oil and water thing.

Does anyone else have this problem, or any suggestions of what I could think about during conversation or before speaking to lend my opinions and advice to a more open audience? I feel conquering this or at least dealing with it a bit could really help my situation.

Also, I gave my wife an ultimatum this evening, I feel mixed emotions right now. I told her she needed to see a doctor next week no matter what otherwise she needs to find someplace else to live until she decides to address her mood. THis made her irrate. She said she wasn't going to talk about this anymore and she was going to bed. I followed her up to bed and told her how muc I love her and support her and how great I think she is in all aspect of her life. I brushed her hair while she cried and then she fell asleep. I feel like I did the only thing I could do, but at the same time I am so scared that it won't work. I am afraid of her saying screw it and leaving. I am afraid of what she is thinking in her beautiful little head. I know sh is thinking this guy is an a**hole, how dare he, who does he think he is, I'll show him, etc. Did I do the right thing? I also feel like I placed the ultimatum very wrong. I gave it at the end of a heated exchange of me telling her that I support her and don't believe the negative things her family says. And also defending my hopefully constructive criticism of her younger brother. Got way out of hand and I got upset and it pushed the ultimatum out of me. What should I say or do tomorrow morning? Help!

I would say to tell her that you are sorry for giving her an ultimatum. The thing is that if you throw that ultimatum out there, she may feel desperate and it may push her father away. Tell her that the only reason that you got upset and said that is because you are worried and love her so much.

Just be patient. It might take a while to get her to go. There isn't any way you can really make someone go, unless you feel like they are a danger to themselves or others, and from what you have told us on here, that doesn't seem to apply to your wife. Sometimes when it is a sensitive issue like that, the person will take offense no matter what. Do you feel like you have trouble communicating with other people and about other topics, or are you just having trouble with this one?

Sorry it didn't go well! I hope that she agrees to go soon!

Well, yesterday actually ended up being a great day! I wouldn't have considered it great six months ago, but a day with her smiling and talking to me and actually letting me be near her was amzing. It made my heart melt.

My day started going to my therapist and we talked. We got a lot accomplished in an hour. We came to a pretty good conclusion about my mental health and that of my wife (as much as he could without actually meeting her). Turns out I have a little touch of general anxiety disorder. Which explains a lot. He said it is more of a situational thing or me because of what's been going on in my life, and he expects me to push through it with therapy.

We also talked for about 10 minutes about some of my wife's habits, and actions. He is relatively certain she is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and maybe just a touch of bipolar, but he is a lot less worried about that. I told him about my wife's abnormal menstration and he seemed very concerned that this may all be triggered by a hormone imbalance that may have came on during or soon after pregnancy. He urged me to get her into her OB/GYN asap and have a screening test done.

THe whole session made me feel great. It made me feel kind of relieved for someone to say "hey, I am pretty sure I know what's going on and you guys are gonna be fine." If this is in fact what she is suffering from, it happens to be his specialty.

I came home and talked to my wife on the phone and told her Craig was really excited to meet with her next week. She sounded like she agreed! I hope so much that she can make this step. I want her to be better. I want her to be happy. I love her so much!

We spent the eveing together with the kids and my sister and we went out to dinner as a family and then watched TV together and even shared a couch! (Huge step for me!). I could tell there were times she wanted to get mad and be mean, but she held back. I am hoping it is because she wants to give this all a shot. I just hope we can make it 2 days in a row of being hospitable!!

SUCH A BREATH OF FRESH AIR!

That is GREAT NEWS!! I'm so glad that things seem to be looking up! That is good that your wife seems OK with going to see the counselor. I'm glad that you were able to spend time together as a family.

I agree with the therapist about her going to the OB-GYN. I'm wouldn't be surprised if hormones had something to do with it. If she is having really long periods, she might want them to check and make sure she isn't anemic too.

Good luck and hope it goes well tomorrow!