How to make marriage work and rekindle romance
Hi all, hope to get some great advice. First a li'l background..
I come from a different culture and tradition where there is arranged marriages, breaking a marriage is only on extreme conditions like abuse or sleeping with somebody else. And a person is not easily accepted in society if she leaves her husband just bcos she is not in love with him.
Just before I met my current husband, I was engaged to marry the man of my dreams, he was tall, dark, handsome, successful. But because our families disagreed, and there were bitter words exchanged between them (and the tribute for this goes to my controlling mother for starting this verbal abuse), he broke up. He didn't want to go against his family's wishes to marry me.
I was devastated and broken up, then I met my current husband through family for arranged marriage. And he fell in love with me the first time he met me. He seemed too soft and a gentleman. Although I liked him too much as a friend, but I could not see him as my husband. So I denied. But I was pressurized a lot, and also I felt I was getting old and all my friends were already married (I know, mistake), I agreed.
The first year of our marriage was a total disaster with a few good moments. We used to fight a lot, I found that he is totally not that soft as I had thought and wanted to do things his way. He also found that I was not the kind of person he imagined. Also he was very very controlling type, what I should wear, how I should do my hair etc. My controlling mother came into picture (I invited her) and tried making matters worse and she wanted my husband to be arrested, more verbal abuse etc etc.(I know it does not sound real, I have never ever shared my past life with anybody and am crying while writing this). I did have some inner love for my husband so I drove my mother out and supported my husband - and from that day onwards, I never share anything with her.
But this also made mine and hubby's relationship deeper, our understanding grew and we were more compatible. And for his controlling nature, I fixed that problem too by being strong. We came to another country, are both in good jobs with good money, and recently bought a house and planning for a kid. We are leading a good life (touch wood). OUr 4th anniversary is coming up.
Now the problem... I still have not gotten over the man I was engaged to marry. I stll remember the soft moments. He stopped communicating totally after the breakup. I just have his emailid. I don't even know where he is. There's never a day when I don't think about him. I even googled him but am too much of a mouse to write to him. I always compare my husband to him. My husband is comparatively shorter than him and I always wanted to marry a tall man (my hubby is only 3 inches taller than me and I am 5'2"). Also my husband does not have a great physique but the other man had great muscles and was a looker. Also my husband is not the romantic type and never plans any surprises for me, but he will never deny me anything in the world I ask for.
My husband does not know any of this, I had told him about this other man before we were married and then we never discussed. But this is directly affecting our relationship. My frustration shows up in different ways, like getting angry for small things. There is no romance. I never ever feel ny kind of attraction to my husband and am never eager to have physical contact with him (which he is not okay with). But amongts our friends, they see us the perfect couple, totally matched to each, my in laws see me as the perfect daughter in law, and people I just know a little say that I have a perfect life. Some times I feel I am leading a dual life, somethimes I feel I should search for the "other man" and leave every thing (I will be shunned from my social group too) to be with him, but most of the time I feel that I should learn to love my hubby and make this marriage a success. Some times I focus on my hubby's good qualities, then I feel love for him and things go great. But this does not stay forever and I am back to square one.
How can I stay focussed on my hubby? Is it possible to forget the other man? How can I create romance and feel attracted to my hubby? I want to get out of this maze, and "live" the perfect life for real instead of pretending. No, walking out of this marriage is not an option for me, not only because of the social stigma attached, but am also emotionally attached to my hubby. I am so much devstated that I feel just to lead the rest of my life as it is and pray for a more fulfilling one in my next birth.
My husband is a good person and there have been situations in our lives where he has shown his great heart, these make me feel more like a fatherly love for him, not the way a man and woman should interact.
Thanks for reading this.