Ask Me Help Desk - My 5 year old is totally out of control

:) Hello! My name is Krystal and I'm a single mother of 1 child. She is 5. I need some help and I need it ASAP! My daughter is acting out in a very negative manner. I'm out of chioces with her. She doesn't listen to me at all and often acts out harsh temper tantrums that I have no idea what to do at all. Today was the last straw I was on my way out the door and she just collapsed on the floor refused to get up. I was asking her to get up and she just screamed bloody murder I know my neighbours must think I'm hurting her. I am not! I have tried everything! Spanking.. she laughs... yelling... she yells back... the corner she never stays... kneeling at the wall refuses to stay and kneel... I need help I'm getting so mad inside and it really is starting to reflect on my health and wellness! I'm not sure what punishment to use anymore today I'm going to try to take all her toys from her room and put them away but how long should this lesson be?. 1 week?. more? Please help I'm new to this site but this is my last resort please help me

Very upset and :confused: mother

As a single mommy this is going to be so hard on you! I can't imagine how you've managed thus far!

I can only offer what I know, as a mommy...
You Must Be Consistent.. That's the key.

It sounds as if your daughter doesn't believe you when you tell her something...

It could take a few days/weeks... I don't want to tell you it's going to be easy! But if you give her a time-out (corner) and she moves, YOU MUST lovingly explain that she is in trouble, why and that she must go back, while you move her... eventually she'll come to KNOW you mean it when you speak it.

Yelling? Doesn't typically work and should be reserved for emergencies, like running in the street or playing with stove/dangerous situations... if you yell, (like u mentioned) she'll yell. You must be the adult in the situation. Maintaining your temper and staying calm is going to be tuff... but I believe you can do it...

Get help from any friends or family you have... support is vital!

No matter what, remember you have to mean what you say-if you give her an inch she'll grab on and take the mile you didn't offer!

Need more? Let me know! And all the luck to you! Please keep me posted!

XoXo
Mychele

Taking away toys always seemed to calm my kids down. For some reason the more toys they had the worse they acted up.
She may be having emotional or physical problems that cause her to throw tantrums.
You might want to try giving her omega fatty acid it helps with brain function especially in kids that act up.

Here is a list of things to see if she might need checked for adhd
A D H D & Homeopathy

You might want to try little angels or bright sparks vitamins for kids that act up

Also some good books are The Crazymakers by Carol Simontachhi
And Brain Allergies by Dr Philpott

Thanks MycheleXoXo
I really liked your answer a lot of people have told me about the consistent! How can I be when I get so frusterated and all she does is yell and say horrible things to me when I try so hard to be calm and act as I'm trying to tell her in a resonable way?? How do I know what punishment (hate the word) is working?. time outs really don't but I am doing it over and over. I want a different idea for the time out thing where do I put her when its time out?. for how long?. please help

1. If you are spanking and she is laughing, you are not spanking hard enough, never abuse of course, but a spanking ( real one) will make them cry.

2. taking the toys away is a good thing as is no TV, and so on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

1. if you are spanking and she is laughing, you are not spanking hard enough, never abuse of course, but a spanking ( real one) will make them cry.
.

I swear you could have spanked/beaten my sons with something that would be enough to make a grown man cray and they STILL would have laughed.
I have seen MANY kids like that in the past 15 years, NOTHING whatsoever phases them.
Many kids any more have this adrenaline strength that defies all else especially when they are proned to getting themselves worked up
Then you have to consider people yelling child abuse if you do hit to the point they don't laugh.

Laughs at spanking? You must not be spanking correctly. Talk to my father. He invented his own spanking methods.. . the idea of it makes me want to cry.

I personally wasn't a "bad child" but my brother did act up a bit. My dad was against spanking when he was growing up (... sadly) so he did what he thought was the next best option.

No food until he figures out what he did wrong and apologizes for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by motherlove83

thanks MycheleXoXo
I really liked your answer alot of people have told me about the consistant!! How can i be when i get so frusterated and all she does is yell and say horrible things to me when i try so hard to be calm and act as im trying to tell her in a resonable way??? How do i know what punishment (hate the word) is working?...time outs really dont but i am doing it over and over. i want a different idea for the time out thing where do i put her when its time out?....for how long?...please help

That is the question... how do you maintain your calm when nothing around you is calm? It is NOT easy... I've been where you are ( I have 3 boys) When I finally decided I had to be the adult things really changed... it didn't happen overnight! I had an especially difficult time with my soon-to-be 16 year old... He went through a huge phase of being extremely obnoxious and rude... he started yelling and throwing things, cursing... it was awful. The more I "fought" him, the more he "fought" back... it's sort of the same with your daughter. This could be her way of getting attention from you... since you're a single mommy you might not have much time with her... nothing to be ashamed of!! You have to do what you need to! But she may not understand that... also, what NoHelp4U stated could be a possibility... getting her checked for ADHD wouldn't hurt...

One other thing... is the acting out recent? Just a BAM and she as acting completely differently then before? Or was it a gradual loss of control on your part? I ask because at times children who are being "abused" in some way can start acting out... It's not meant to scare you only! It's just something else you need to be aware of...

Set up a place in the house for a new "reward" system as well as a new "time-out" system. Introduce her to these things... tell her what she'll earn for things like not throwing fits, hitting, cleaning up, etc. as well as when she does misbehave that this "new chair" or whatever you choose is where she'll spend the time out until she apologizes to you in a nice way.?

Let me know if you want more suggestions :)

Keep me posted!
XoXo
Mychele

Yeah if she sees you reward her with making time to read to her or do something special with her because the day went smooth she might eventually relate the two to the fact that since there weren't problems taking up the day you have that time for something special.
And point that out too.

My son also has a hard time staying in time out. We are very consistent and physically take him back to time out when he moves. Some days are better than others and some days I feel as though my back will break from dragging back to time out over and over again. But slowly he is getting the picture and sometimes and even sends himself to timeout. As a general rule, timeouts should be one minute for every year of age. But that should be adjusted for each individual child. I used to work in a residential treatment facility for behaviorally and emotionally disturbed children. There the rule was half a minute per year of age.
As far as the toys go, we've done modified versions with my son. For example, he got really antsy around the holidays so we removed all of his presents from under the tree. Every day he got through without a timeout he was able to go to the closet and choose one gift to put back under the tree.
We also use a lot of reward charts for completing chores, using appropriate behavior, etc. He loves stickers so we let him choose and post all his own stickers on the charts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom22

As a general rule, timeouts should be one minute for every year of age. But that should be adjusted for each individual child. I used to work in a residential treatment facility for behaviorally and emotionally disturbed children. There the rule was half a minute per year of age.

Yeap needs adjusted for each child. It takes longer than two minutes to get them to sit for two minutes and then you need to add time for the time wasted on them not doing it.

I never used spanking with any of my three, who are now 22, 18 and 15. My middle child was a very difficult one, much like your daughter. I agree that consistency is VERY important. When it comes to tantrums, my best way of dealing with them was to ignore them completely whenever possible. In the case you described in your post, I picked her up off the floor and put her into the car, pretending not to hear the screaming and crying, talking to her about where we were going and why. The point was to let her know that I was the mom, I was in charge, and she wasn't going to get her way. Most of my discipline techniques were specific to the situation at the time... I tried,whenever possible, to make the consequences apply directly to the misbehavior. For tantrums, that meant going to their room until they were finished with it, so as not to disturb anyone else in the house.. and then having to apologize when they were finished. In the beginning, that meant carrying them to the room, often more than once, until they got the message. Taking away toys was only used when they left toys out and refused to put them away. I took them for one day the first time, and then added more time for repeated instances.

Hi, It was recommended to me to get the book "Boundaries for children" it is very helpful. Remember you are the boss. You are the parent not the friend... hang in there