Why do I still hurt over my cousins death? It was in 98 such a long time ago. I remember one day my aunt and cousins visiting us when we lived in fayetteville. My step mom and cousin got into a religious argument over a song. Finally my aunt said she was sorry that they would just have to leave and so they left. Well I didn't see my cousin for years after that and then he was put in an institution. I was so angry. I felt like they took my cousin away from me. I was about 14 or so I guess. Then the last time I saw him we spent the night at their house and he asked me if he could kiss me but I said we are cousins( actually step) and it would not be right to do that so he kissed me on the cheek. I guess he needed to feel loved by someone. Then 98 comes along and I get a phone call from my dad that my cousin committed suicide. While our other cousin was getting married he was at home killing himself. I feel so angry sometimes. I know I should be over it after so long but I cant.

You will never get over something like this - you just have to accept that it happened and move on. I can empathise your pain and aunguish - but really there is nothing you could have done and you must not blame yourself.

I am sure he is watching over you, making sure you are happy & safe. I am sure he knew you cared for him greatly - you just need to let go of the past and move forward - so don't beat yourself up. Try and remember him when he was at his best rather than when he was at his worst - it may help you to deal with it.

It seems to me that the reason why you have a harder time dealing with his death is that deep down inside you wished that you showed your cousin love, and showed him that you cared about him. Maybe if he was shown more love from the people around him that he would have not committed suicide? Am I right? Something like this rips at our souls because many people blame themselves when this experience happens and why could that person do that and if I only did this and that maybe this would have not happen.

My stepfathers mother, uncle and uncle by marriage all committed suicide. The last person My stepfather actually found. It has a profound effect on everybody and it is not easy to get over something like this. I do not think you ever get over it. Even though I was not close to my uncle by marriage I had several dreams of him and also was in shock and disbelief of what happened.

It is understandable you feeling anger. It is understandable for you to still feel so much hurt for what has happened. To be able to share it with others and talk about it is an important step and does help.

Joe

Thank you guys for your responses. Yes I do feel sometimes like sometimes I am to blame. I don't know why because its not like I was there everyday so what would I have done? I was shocked to hear of the things that went on in his home when we weren't around. Ive told my dad that David was my favorite cousin and he was kind to me when no one else was. My dad said that he was a troubled kid and he probably felt for anyone that went through pain as he did. I remember once me and him were sitting in his room talking and then the next thing we looked at each other and were about to kiss :eek: My step mom walks into the room and yells at us about the door but she never told my dad or anyone what she had seen. I still think its kind of funny. That was almost my first kiss. Lol. When I first found out about my cousin dying I was discouraged by my husband from grieving because of his insecurities. I had so much stress because of my husband that I shut it out of my mind. My favorite brother ( don't tell my other brothers. Shhh.) has my cousins skate board. My cousin by the way made Tony Hawk look like a nobody. My brother talked to me a few years after his death saying that he wanted to kill hisself so he could be with cousin David. He is still alive so I guess he doesn't feel that way now. I did not realize how badly I was about this but my dad keeps forgetting and he will say to me" Did we ever tell you cousin David died?" and I will start to cry and feel so angry that he was taken from us. I never mourned I just kept it locked up inside. I ought to know better than that. LOL. Thank you guys.

I rekon like someone said remember the good and funny points.