I ended my engagement with my fiancé after dating him for 3 years. Is it too late to get him back? I realized right after we cancelled the engagement, that it was more about the wedding and the commitment ( I was married before). I was worried all the guests were getting excited about our destination wedding and so I thought I should cancel soon since I was confused. However, a month after we ended it, I realized I wanted to spend my life with this man and it was not about the wedding but about the MARRIAGE. He says that he was very hurt and now he is not in the same place as I am. He does not want to date anyone, but he needs time. He has moved out and doesn't want to see me right now. He keeps saying he needs time but doesn't know what the future holds. Should I just wait and keep myself busy? Should I try to get over it now instead of prolonging the pain... what should I do? I finally see what real love is and how lucky I am and now is it too late? Why were we not in sync about our feelings for each other? Is this a sign? Help! :confused:

Go talk to him, if an engaged couple don't consider cancelling the wedding two or three times they are not normal.

But then sadly at times, one party does break or causes problems that cn't get over, see if you can try to just "date" again and go from here.

Thanks Chuck... and I have tried talking. But he said no WORDS can convince him. He said he needs to feel it again for himself. Honestly, after reading this board, I am realizing he will never come back. I tried texting him sweet things and calling him, but I am really coming off as needy. Crap. This sucks.

I was going to suggest exactly what fr_chuck said , however if you have already talked to him probably best to give him his space.

He knows how you feel so give him time to reflect and he may just start to miss you , just don't push him cause you will just end up making him pull away more.

Good luck!

Thanks so much Friend4U178. I read your "what to expect when you get dumped". It was so well written. It was just what I needed to read. Thought I was losing my mind. My problem right now, other than trying to stay strong by not calling anymore ;) , is simply wanting to know if I should be wasting my time & mind hoping that he will come back. I know, no one is a fortune teller, but this really sucks. Just seems like a waste of 3years. Everything was so great... till I freaked out. I mean, it has been 3 months since we called it off. Maybe he has already gone through the bad part and now I don't think he can get back. Also, I just had a thought... is it true, regardless if someone loves you, I don't think it necessarily means they will come back. I think, sometimes, if it really is love... it might stay away? Anyway, he says he needs time to see if it is what he wants but my frustration comes from thinking 'out of sight out of mind'. I hope to God I am wrong.

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Originally Posted by littlem

Thanks so much Friend4U178. I read your "what to expect when you get dumped". It was so well written. It was just what I needed to read. .

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Thank you , I'm glad it helped you a little bit.

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Originally Posted by littlem

My problem right now, other than trying to stay strong by not calling anymore ;) , is simply wanting to know if I should be wasting my time & mind hoping that he will come back. .

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Well you made the original choice , he would have been hurt obviously so I suppose you need to try and understand his position as well.
Do you hang on , well it would be my suggestion not to. By doing so you won't start to heal , at least if you let go now the healing starts , then if he comes back you will have moved on and will be more emotionally able to decide if it really is worth getting back together.

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Originally Posted by littlem

I know, no one is a fortune teller, but this really sucks. Just seems like a waste of 3years. Everything was so great...till I freaked out. I mean, it has been 3 months since we called it off. Maybe he has already gone thru the bad part and now I don't think he can get back. .

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It sucks yes , and maybe he has.

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Originally Posted by littlem

Also, I just had a thought...is it true, regardless if someone loves you, I don't think it necessarily means they will come back. I think, sometimes, if it really is love...it might stay away? .

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I would say if it is true love it will prevail , and yes if he truly loves you he will return when and if he is ready.

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Originally Posted by littlem

Anyway, he says he needs time to see if it is what he wants but frustration comes from thinking 'out of sight out of mind'. I hope to God I am wrong.

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So you need to give it to him , like I said before he knows how you feel. I hope your wrong as well , for your sake though I would suggest you move on for now.

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Originally Posted by littlem

I hope to God I am wrong.

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I hope you are too. Meanwhile, get involved in work or church or hobbies (start to rug-hook or oil paint) or volunteering or take a class at the local college. Meet people and do things. Put a smile back on your face and be an interesting person.

I too had gotten cold feet and had dumped the guy I had hoped to marry. We unfortunately, because of physical distance, didn't talk about it. Within a year, he married on the rebound, and I too got married. After almost 40 years, we connected via email a few years ago and figured out how miserable we both had been back then, and that, had we made the effort to talk about it, we probably could have gotten back together.

That said, I suggest you give him space but, become interesting and fun and be open to him if he seeks you out, or if Fate puts you together again in the same room. Forty years from now, don't have your own version of my story.

Thank you so much for sharing your story wondergirl. I feel so much better speaking to all of you. I actually am looking into yoga classes and was just looking to see where I could take a painting class! Thanks again. :)

It sounds like you found a flashlight and are moving out of the dark tunnel. Yoga will be great for stress-busting and for getting your mind centered. The painting will be lots of fun and will pull the creative side of you into the light.

I wish you well. Please let us know how things are going.

You guys have been so great... and I am now on day 3 of NC. Not easy AT ALL. But, I have gone to the gym everyday, I got a cute haircut yesterday :) and now cleaning out my closet because I need some serious new work outfits.
I feel numb every morning, but need to get out of bed to take my dog for a walk. I just keep having the same thoughts... and rather than ask him (I already made a fool of myself begging for him to come back) I wanted insight from you guys. So before I started the NC, I poured my heart out 3 times. I explained that it was the best feeling in the world that I finally knew what I wanted and how love feels. All the last 3 months or anxiety and not knowing if I was doing the right thing, etc. finally fell into place. I told him that if I never called off the engagement, I would have felt too much pressure and would have always thought I got married for the wrong reasons. I asked him "doesn't it make you feel that I am here 100% on my own. And now I am here to stay?" I was so happy to know what love is with him, etc. Anyway, with all that said, he started crying. All three times? Why? When I asked him, he said he didn't know where it was coming from. I was thinking this morning; I know that he told me he had 2 1/2 months to start thinking differently about me and to get over me. But should I take this as he never really loved me to begin with? I mean, if he cannot be strong enough to put up with my freaking out, is he not the man for me? He knows all about my other (non-related freak outs) and he has always talked me through them patiently. He said to me the day he moved out (3 weeks ago) that he knows he can get back there again, but he needs time. But time for what? I mean if he loved me, wouldn't it have never gone away? Isn't it already there? I am sorry for all these questions. I just don't understand. If I am finally HERE, why is he not excited? If it were me, I would be pissed and punish him (for like a week), but then be so happy that we can finally enjoy life together! See, if it wasn't for me obsessing over these thoughts, I think I would much better. :) Someone please role play and tell me what he is thinking!!

Wait wait wait... I see a flaw in this.

The instruction booklet for dumpees states, go nc.

But now, the instruction booklet for dumpers says... go nc?!

I see a design flaw.

Just kidding, littlem. I think you're doing fine. You poured your heart out to him and told him everything you felt before you went nc, and that's OK. If I were the dumpee, then that's exactly what I would have appreciated.

Right now, I think he would feel hurt and rejected. I've never been engaged, but I'm sure if I were engaged, I'd question the marriage every time the wind blew.

You've told him how you felt... and then you went nc. Then I'd give him time.

Okay ISNEEZEFUNNY, thank you and I get it. Time; I get it. How much time? I know, I know... If I love him I will just wait and do my own thing.

Thing is, what would you do if you were him? Anybody? Be honest. He is a decent, genuine guy, who never lies, never says anything bad about anything, even bought me something before he left because he cares. Maybe I need someone to tell me the truth-- to give up, so I will stop obsessing.

I think I'm a decent genuine guy... but sadly, I can't say what he'll do. I can tell you... my situation.

I wasn't engaged, so my situation's a bit different. But I dated a girl for 3 years... and out of the blue, she needed time. Granted, I have no idea how she feels. I haven't seen/spoken to her in over a month. But if she felt the way you felt... my response would be... that you hurt me. And right now, I just need some time to make you realize how much you hurt me. I feel rejected and I feel alone, and I have no idea why you would hurt me that way.

I would tell you that I just need some time so that I can get over the idea that you hurt me so much... and that I'm just not ready to get into anything with you because I'm afraid you'll hurt me again.

Thanks so much. I really appreciate it and have trouble putting myself in other people's shoes. Thanks again.

Ok, here's what I think. When he says he needs time, it certainly does not mean he needs NC. You dumped him, and as crappy as you feel now on day 4 (or whatever it is), he had to feel crappy for 2 1/2 months. Did you ever call him during all that time, or did he just have to spend it wondering what there was about him that you didn't want to spend a lifetime with?

If I were him, I'd be glad you still love me, but I'd be wondering if out of the blue you'd pull the rug out from under me again. I'd also be wondering if you were a person who thinks more of your emotional needs than mine - engaged should have earned him the right to not be dumped, but to work out your fears together, with him involved. So if I'm this guy, I'd want you repeatedly giving me verbal reassurance that you have matured, that you'll never cut and run again but that a marriage is a close partnership and you'll work out problems WITH him. Just telling him you're now sure of your feelings may not be enough. He may need to hear that you have become more compassionate, more generous in worrying about his feelings, less likely to ditch him the next time a feeling comes upon you. He needs reassurance that you've changed. The message that you are the same, but now you are clear about your feelings can hardly give him any reassurance, and is a little insulting. He was very clear about you before, and found out the sudden way that you weren't so sure about him. Poor guy deserves better explanation and proof of true maturing in you. Then I think indeed you will get him back. But you owe it to him to make it a true partnership this time around.

Wow. I'm in the SAME boat. I called off my wedding (9 months out) and a month later realized it was a huge mistake. We had been together for 5.5 years. When I went back to him, he told me he didn't want to be together anymore and was "over it". I sent him emails/texts pouring my heart out for 3 weeks... but he wanted to be left alone. I'm on day 14 of NC. It's torture. There is just so much more I could say to him. I thought the same thing... if he is willing to lose me now... did he never love me? I don't really believe that love just goes away. I'm telling myself its just him upset and lashing out. I'm hoping in time, he will come back to me. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. It's a constant pit in your stomach and ANYTHING can trigger tears. I too, have gone to the gym every day for the past month, re-arranged my room, and I have filled every minute of my days to keep busy. It's always there though in the back of my mind. It's hard to fall asleep and it's hard to wake up. I have had dreams about him almost every night. It really is just plain torture. I am so mad at myself! I tell myself I'm trying to move on and am taking all the right steps, but honestly, in the back of my mind, I know that I am just waiting for him to come back to me. Soooo frustrating.
Anyway, I hope things are getting easier for you and I hope he comes around soon!