Relationship trauma, break up killing me. Have I made right decision?
I've only been with my boyfriend seriously for 2 months, and we progressed very quickly, took everything too seriously and its left me in a mess!
I'm 19, he is 22 next month. From the first date he warned me he had a high sex drive, I freaked out as I had never been in a relationship before and told him to stay away. A week later we were texting again and he said he would take things slowly for me, so I gace it another try and it lasted 2 weeks, as he was constantly talking about sex, trying to get me to send dirty messages etc.
We met again on a night out about a month later and ended up getting into him, hen the texts started again, but this time I told him nothing could happen and he backed off. This time and fair enough maybe it is classed as leading him on (although it does take two to tango!) he got nasty, he threatened me, was horrible to me in work (we both work part time in a clothes shop) tried to get people against me, told me I was a bunny boiler, etc etc
A few weeks later we met again on a night out, he can't stay away from me, and as I was extremely drunk, ended up getting into him again, all this was because he forced it upon me I did try and back away, we texted again and again I said nothing could happen, but never did he want to know why. He told me to stay away and get out his life!
After this I started to miss him, at the beginning over November, he had a job interview, and from the kindness of my heart, I sent this message, "good luck with the interview, i hope it goes well, and always wish the very best for you" he text back and said it meant a lot and that he still really liked me because I was so thoughtful and by sending that message proved why he liked me so much. I decided that I would try it again and stick it out longer, we had a huge chat and said we wouldn't be sexual until I felt comfortable.
This time we spent 3 weeks getting to know each other dating, going out, cuddling, kissing, and I had very strong feelings very soon for him, after exactly a month I slept with him, and still to this day I don't regret it and I don't think it was too soon, what came after I regret...
After I slept with him (I lost my virginity) and this happened for the first time at mine when the parents were in, I told him I couldn't do that but it happened. After that night, he changed he started asking for dirty messages again, saying he still had a high sex drive and wanted it everyday. Foolishly as he is a moody type and because I find it hard to express my opinions I gave him sex everyday. On xmas eve he expressed his fanatasies to me, which horrified me (dressing up, ejaculating on face/in mouth, bondage, filming sex, pornographic photos, anal sex, stocking, sexy lingerie, sex toys, dirty talk, noises, groping myself etc) I said I didn't feel comfortable, but the more we had sex the more he would say let me do this and let me do that. After another week and a bit he had started to ejaculate in my mouth every time after sex, and had me in sexy lingerie and stockings.
He started to get more specific saying my messages weren't good enough, they needed to be more descriptive, and that porn was pleasuring him more, when we weren't having sex all he could talk about was sex and what he wanted from me, how I could make it better, when was going to be the next time we could have it, how horny he was etc
This weekend just gone, we went away, as soon as we got in the room he said right get on your lingerie and do a dance for me, I told him to wait and he went funny with me, so I did it, we had sex, he asked to come in my mouth, but "by accident" let it go all over my face, he also holds my head down during a blow job, which is upsetting as it hits my gag reflex and I find it hard to go right down for a long period. Then during the next day all he could talk about was that night and having sex and asking for anal sex, me to dress up, be really dirty, talk dirty. I just was not horny, I did not want it, I felt trapped and was dreading going back to the room alone. We left his friends who we had been with during the day and I wanted to cry going back to the room. As soon as we got back he said come on get into your lingerie, he tried to put his penis in my and it really hurt and started to bleed, but he said just hold on it will get easier and I'm enjoying it. I told he to get it out immediately and he got annoyed and shoved it in my vagina, which hurt like hell as I was not lubricated at all, that too started to bleed. He must have felt a bit bad and started saying hope your OK, and we won't have sex later (As in after the meal and night out) but then he got annoyed as he hadn't come, because I was bleeding everywhere. We went out for the meal, and had a few drinks but all the time he was sying I'm getting naughty thoughts, I'm really horny I want to be in you can we go back now, I felt so trapped again, we went back and we hadn't even stepped through the door before he was like come on into lingerie and stocking and heels and he was like be REALLY dirty I want the best sex yet. You put on a brave face and tried so hard for him, I was still bleeding and the pain was horrendous for me, it didn't really bother him at all. That night he took photos of my in linergie, he wanted to film sex on his phone but I refused that
Once we got home, I knew I had to end the relationship, basically I was his sex toy (object) who paid for everything (hotel, petrol, food, shopping etc)
To add to it all, he didn't like me spending time with the family or my friends, he wanted to be with me (or more like in me) 24/7. if I wasn't with him he was texting and I felt like I never had a life other than him. But after out awkward silences on the weekend away it made me realise that looking back over the two months we never really spoke, texts were always about sex or dirty messages. If I text him aksing if he had a good day and how was he, he would reply with something different like when can I see you, or miss you.
That's another thing, despite me making him out to be sex obsessed, he did always say he loved me, and couldn't be with out me, needed me, told me nice things like I was beautiful, good looking, lovely, caring, thoughtful, but that's all our convos really stretched to.
Today I called him and tried to explain and he begged and pleaded not too, told me how much he loved me, and that he made me promise I wouldn't dump him, how much he needed me etc. then when I tried to explain about sex and money he hung up. I later received a text saying "thanks for making me out to be a fool, jus wait to see what the lads in work think of ur naked pictures!" I replied (even though I was petrified) I replied saying if your image is all you can think about and threatenin me it proves what you are really like. I then text him to explain why I broke up with him, he replied saying if its all about sex ill change my ways ill do anything to be with you trust me etc etc. I text back saying id had all the chances I wanted, I missed my friends, I missed my family, I want to focus on my uni studies, I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, the threats proved what he was really like. Id made my final decision but I also said I had no hard feelings and wished him success for the job and future. He then replied saying please can be chat, we can make this work, ill do anything, trust and believe in me, I love you so so so much! (basically I'm so glad I never let him filmed sex as judging by his photo threats he would probs show them that and possibly put it on the net? )
Now after all I've explained I feel really sad, I remember the good times (Few) and think well am I throwing away a good guy here, maybe every guy is this obbsessed with sex. I cannot cope with the fact and thought that I have broken his heart and devastated him, and its making me sad. I keep thinking maybe he can change, but look how many times I've been there before, I KNOW HE can't but I can't live with myself knowing I'm killing him, as that thought kills me inside. My friends hate him as do my family and my family know none of the sexual content, their opinion is based on the money and moodiness aspects of him.
Basically I'm really down and depressed, I know I shouldn't get back with him, but him begging is breaking my heart even more. Please help give me advice, should I get back with him? How can I get over him? Basically once he accepts NO for the answer he will turn horrible on me, like he has with past relationships, he's slapped a girl and all his ex's have strong feelings of hate towards him, one girl beat him up and bottled him and got a knife on him.
He's making me feel bac, but surely I shouldn't feel this way, I miss the kisses and cuddles and affection, but I know he can't change, and even if he tries I know ill never be able to give him what I know he wants deep down, its so hard and I feel so depressed and heartbroken, I really could do with some advice and support as talking to my mum is upsettin her beyond belief which gets to me even more!
Sorry its so long, but I needed to explain everything!
