Ask Me Help Desk - Insecure boyfriend has me feeling lost and hurt

Before I begin, I'm 25 yrs old, full-time single mother to a beautiful 2 yr old girl, full-time student, and full-time employee. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He went through a bad divorce and I was with him during the last of it. He has a son that's turning 4, so we both know about parenting. I met my boyfriend at my workplace, I work on the 2nd floor and he works on the first floor. The beginning of our relationship was great until the jealousy, insecurity, and trust issues began. He often accuses me of cheating on him with one of our coworkers. Our coworker when I first came into the company did hit on me but I never spoke to him outside of work, met him anywhere, NOTHING. After he hit on me I felt really uncomfortable. My boyfriend and our coworker were single bachelor's that used to hang out and party, play basketball, and so on. As soon as I came in the picture the friendship ended, no clue why. As time went on my boyfriend began accusing me of cheating with our coworker. I have never even had the thought to be with another man. I love my boyfriend so much and i've done everything to prove how wrong his accusations are. I've recently even took a lie detector test and of course I passed but he didn't think the test was accurate because the examiner looked like a conartist. So I have agreed to go take another test and he can choose the place or examiner but now he chooses not to. I go to a private university and anyone that has gone to college knows that reception is bad in the classrooms. Yesterday while I was in class he called me a few times, but I can't answer or even get up and walk out of class, it's not a community college, and not all the calls came in. So he accused me of being on the other line. I was in class and as soon as I got out I called and he started insulting me, calling me names, calling me a hoe...etc.
He constantly accuses me of being on the phone when i'm not and of cheating. I have never been unfaithful at all or even thought about it. He constantly breaks up with me because he says his gut feelings and instincts are very strong and he thinks i've cheated. I feel so emotionally drained. I cry everyday more than you can imagine.
One reason he believes I have been unfaithful is because I've had bruises on my thighs and I have no idea how I get them but he says its "fingerprints", meaning another man has left his fingerprints on my body....this is all overwhelming. I don't know where the bruises came from BUT I DO KNOW NO OTHER MAN HAS TOUCHED ME AT ALL. I've done everything to prove my loyalty, respect, honesty, faithfulness, everything to him.
I'm to the point that I'm so sad. I have a beautiful daughter to live for and I'm weak right now.
He's walked in and out of my life for the past year for his own reasons which has no reasoning. Its so hurtful being accused by the one you love for something that has never happened. I'm devastated :( He constantly breaks up with me, we get back together and he's great for 2 days and starts again with this emotionally draining drama.
Should I keep trying to prove my innocence? How do I get back up on my feet?

UPDATE:
As soon as I got off of work I did call him. We broke up again yesterday over him thinking I was on the other line while I was in class. I tried talking to him so I can get closure and it didn't work. He did listen to me but as soon as his thoughts of me being unfaithful go into play he started being rude. I truly find it so hard to get away from. For some reason I want him to see that I've never done anything. He has even gotten to the point to say that everyone at work already knows about my secret affair, at that point I want to laugh but I get so angry that I cry so much. How and why would he possibly think I had any sexual relations with a coworker? I am trying to find another job because I can't stand knowing that we are in the same building. I realize I'm losing myself in all his thoughts.
I'm stuck on the great qualities he has shown me, he's a great family man, father, hard worker, very affectionate, but why does he lose control when it comes to me?

YOU NEED TO RUN!!

Head for the exit now before it is too late. A man who is jealous will likely remain so for the rest of his life. Unless he acknowledges the fact that he is very jealous and insecure, he will not change, NEVER.

He has been toying with your feelings. Breaking up once or twice could be forgiven if it was a sincere mistake. But CONSTANTLY breaking up with u? That is a big red flag... Please free yourself of this misery.

He is not only insecure. He is jealous, possesive, controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. Do not let him accuse u of anything else. He has no such rights. Explain once or twice, if he does not accept it, fine! U are better off without this man.

Your daughter will thank u for making the right choice. Imagine the trauma she has to go through if she is old enough to realize that this man accuses her mom and makes her mom depressed. U already know that sticking with this man will only give u more tears than smiles, why waste yourself on him? Why risk your daughter's happiness?

One more thing... why do u need to prove yourself to him? The more u try to prove, the more he feels u are hiding something. Let him go! Let his head burst with his ill thoughts.

Jealousy and insecurity is one thing, but to the extent of him telling you to take a lie detector test and calling you names like hoe?

You don't have to stand for that crap. So why do you? You don't have to prove $hit to him. You shouldn't have taken the lie detector tests. That is messed up. Tell him to take a hike.

A lie detector test?? Wow... Honey, you have the power here... Get out of this situation. You don't need this kind of person in your life.

I agree with lavenderly, your daughter is your main prerogative right now. She is observing your relationship - granted, she's little and doesn't understand, but you need to set the example to her. Like Lavenderly said, "Why risk your daughter's happiness?"

By staying with him, you are relinquishing your power. Don't let him control you or take that power away from you. Take control of your life and confront this problem.

(BTW: I bruise easily too and constantly find bruises I have NO idea where they came from... but I don't have to be afraid of explaining them to a jealous, over-possessive boyfriend... Honey, RUN!)

This guy is whacked.

You do not need to prove anything. Its not going to work. Ever.

Get past one accusation and there will always be another.

I appreciate your position. I understand how hard it is.

The truth is this... you are in an abusive relationship. Tell me all you want about all his other great qualities. He's a controlling jerk. If that's what you want, jackpot.

Here's the litmus test. If the person you are with is treating you substantially worse now than they did when you were first dating, then maybe that's a bad, bad sign. Instead of growing in trust and respect, the relationship has become about control and power.

No love is worth this.

I'm married to a wonderful woman. If I asked her to take a lie detector test to prove her love and her faithfulness shed tell me where the nearest hotel is. Period.

You will NEVER be able to do enough to prove you are faithful.

I've seen jealous guys and girls, but your man might just be the valedictorian. He's a control freak and likely will always try to manipulate you.

Any chance he's been unfaithful? Sometimes the first person who says there is a stink in the room is the person that created it.

Thank you so much to everyone that has responded to my post... I never thought just reading other's thoughts and opinions can help lift my spirits a bit. I've known or at least tried to realize that I'm in a emotionally abusive relationship but for some reason it's been hard for me to let go. He's called me so many names from slut to whore, I've even let him look at my detailed phone bill so he could get over his false accusations. And I have looked at my daughter and cried while she's asleep thinking that I would never want her to go through such a painful relationship. He just emotionally ruined me and I have become very very weak. I need to lift myself and rebuild my strength and I don't know how.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lavenderly

Your daughter will thank u for making the right choice. Imagine the trauma she has to go through if she is old enough to realize that this man accuses her mom and makes her mom depressed. U already know that sticking with this man will only give u more tears than smiles, why waste yourself on him? Why risk your daughter's happiness?

ughts.

I never actually thought of this, I've just looked at her and I would never want her to go through this. But, your right I can't let my daughter go through this. I am definitely more depressed than anything else. I want to try to get strength to let go. The problem is that when he finally feels bad about the things he has said to me he will call in a couple of days. It's hard, I know what I have to do but I don't do it.

Insecure = Jealous = Controlling = Abusive. I see clear signs of the first 3, and the 4th one is never late. He's being verbally abusive... physical abuse is next.

And what about your daughter? She's young now, but she will grow up and see this, and her life will be greatly altered in a negative manor. Do you want her to see you constantly upset and depressed? Do you want to see her perspective father as controlling and abusive? If she sees him now, she will try to find the same man in her future. You don't want that, do you?

You need to get out. It will be hard, because this guy will chase and claw his way back in if he can. He will go to great lengths. He might call 100 times a day, visit you unexpectedly... I can see it happening. You might even need to call the police. Guys like these are bad apples.

You have received some very excellent advice from all responders here Hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VERY HURT817

I've recently even took a lie detector test and of course I passed but he didn't think the test was accurate because the examiner looked like a conartist.

Think about this. Long and hard. If you saw this statement on this web site posted by someone else, or if a girlfriend of yours told you this, what would your reaction be?

Quote:

Originally Posted by VERY HURT817

Should I keep trying to prove my innocence? How do I get back up on my feet?

Your boyfriend has some major control issues and no matter what you do, you will never be able to prove your innocence to him. In his eyes you are guilty. Now he is looking at your phone records. What's next? His controlling behavior will only escalate and you may find yourself eventually at the end of his fist. If you are a heavy sleeper, those bruises might be due to him doing something to you while you are asleep. His apologizing to you when you start pulling away is a classic abuser tactic.

You get back on your feet by cutting yourself off from him. I know it will be hard, especially since you work with him, but you have so much more to lose in your life than merely dumping this guy. Find as many negatives about him as you can to focus on. There is a reason why he went through a divorce. Are you sure you have the full story? Or did you only get his side of it? Your boyfriend has issues and he needs to get some help. You have a responsibility to your daughter and to yourself, not to him. This is his problem and there is nothing you can do to help him through it. You already have a full plate. You are depressed because you do love him yet you know you have to cut him loose, but don't know how to take that first step. My suggestion is to call this number now 1-800-799-7233. That is the number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Someone there will give you the one on one help you need to begin to get your life back on track. Take that first step and call them now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

Your boyfriend has some major control issues and no matter what you do, you will never be able to prove your innocence to him. In his eyes you are guilty. .

U are absolutely right, no matter what I am guilty in his eyes. I have received great advice. I am happy I posted my feelings on this site, it's very helpful. I actually have always wondered what the other side of the story is about the divorce. I want to be able to wake up tomorrow with some strength to get through this. I am also thinking about seeing a therapist.

If I told my friends or family about taking the lie detector test they would all be so mad at me and I'm sure want to scold me. I know in the back of my mind that I didn't have to go that far to prove anything but I did thinking it would change his thoughts.

Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.

Shed all guilt about the past. This is a new day.

You did above and beyond what is reasonable. And you are still being treated poorly.

Don't think of any of this as your failure. This is his failure. You gave him so many chances to make it right. He failed to be good enough for you.

Don't be ashamed. *poof* see... I say it and it magically happens right? Or not? OK.

So you've got an ugly stretch to get through.

I don't promise a lot of things. I do promise leaving him will be worth it. I really believe that. Just as I love my own son with all my heart, I think you need to escape this.

And I think you need to feel good about leaving. It is a first step toward being in a better place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VERY HURT817

I want to be able to wake up tomorrow with some strength to get through this. I am also thinking about seeing a therapist.

Call that number and you will begin to feel some strength. This is all about taking back control of your life. Right now, you feel weak because he has taken so much control away from you that you can't think for yourself anymore when it comes to this guy. A woman who has not been emotionally abused as you have been and is in complete control of their lives as you once were, would never agree to a lie detector test. They would have told the guy where to stick his test! I believe the reason the guy was divorced was either due to his doing the same thing to his ex, or she cheated on him and now he is making you pay for her mistakes. He needs help and you cannot give it to him. You need to help yourself now before his behavior escalates from emotional abuse to physical abuse. And it will. Please believe me. It will. So, get off that merry-go-round now before you are physically hurt. It is going to take you a while to get your head back on straight.

When you call that number I gave to you, those people will help you find a therapist in your area that specializes in working with victims of abuse . The therapist will help you to find your footing again. If you are on a limited income, they will give you the name of someone who will work with you. All you have to do is ask. Please VH, make that phone call now.

I'm going through a similar thing, I don't know where to begin, I want to leave and I have a 4 year old daughter with him, I am terrified that he will go crazy on me, he can be so sweet but then again he gets mad when I talk to me and threatens me... I feel depressed and I'm missing out on my life. I can't do this anymore, I need to break free, and you need to do that aswel its easy to tell somebody else to di it, but dammit its hard and frightening. Good luck...