My boyfriend and I are intending to get married. He is 13 years older than me.

We both intend to have children but we cannot decide when to have them. In fact, this has become such a great issue that I can't be sure if he is the right man to start a family with.

He is a motivational trainer who earns a comfortable amount and works mostly on weekends and sometimes on weekdays, but his job has peak seasons and low seasons. I have a full time job as an accountant and my job requires me to work overtime on some days.

If we have children early, I am on my way to build my career while the children will be under his care (since he does not work everyday). He is not agreeable with this as he believes mothers should always be there for the children. I agree too. That is why, I intend to have kids later in life when my career is stable.

However, if I have children later, my husband-to-be would be very old when our children enter university. Tertiary education is very costly and I cannot afford to pay the sum if my husband is retired by then. He is also self-employed, meaning there is no employee funds etc. Worse, if he is sick and needs expensive medication while I am already struggling with the children's funds, what and who should I depend on?

P.S. I told him about the financial problems but he does not believe in monetary investments and taking loans etc.

You mention that you are not sure that he is the right person to start a family with. Then why are you getting married. You need to be one hundred percent certain that this is the person for you. As far as the financials, you should set up a college fund under the child's name. I think you need to look in the mirror and decide what is best for the future. A child is all consuming and will perminently change your life forever. Really think this through and don't worry about his age.

I started a little tirade but deleted it... I need to know some things first...

Your potential mate doesn't believe in monetary investing? Or loans?

Has he life and health insurance? Has he placed money aside for retirement?

What exactly did you mean about doesn't believe in monetary investment?

His lack of interest in monetary issues concerns me. Children are very expensive no matter what time of life you have them!
I'm glad you're seeking answers before you dive into parenthood though. Unfortunately, its something that only you and he can decide for yourselves. If you can't come to an agreement... it may be a good indicator that a marriage between you may not be right.

Good luck to you. Its not an easy decision for any couple.

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Originally Posted by Gregisteredtrademark

You mention that you are not sure that he is the right person to start a family with. Then why are you getting married. You need to be one hundred percent certain that this is the person for you. As far as the financials, you should set up a college fund under the childs name. I think you need to look in the mirror and decide what is best for the future. A child is all consuming and will perminently change your life forever. Really think this through and don't worry about his age.

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As what LearningAsIGo mentioned, it is because we can't reach an agreement as to how to finance the children in future, that is why I am concerned that a marriage is not a good thing between us. Besides this, all else has been taken care of and we are doing fine.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

i started a little tirade but deleted it... i need to know some things first...

your potential mate doesnt believe in monetary investing? or loans?

has he life and health insurance? has he placed money aside for retirement?

what exactly did you mean about doesnt believe in monetary investment?

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He has health insurance and some other unit trust funds. But they are in very small amounts and he invested due to convenience as his mother was investing at that time and asked if he wanted to do so.

He is saving money now but I can't be sure if he intends to use up the money for other purposes other than his retirement. He has cash now and wants to buy a house. But how much he is willing to draw out from his savings is still dependent on the offers he gets.

As far as I know, he believes that money must be earned and earning interest is not a smart move. Whenever he wants to spend on assets, he will ensure that he has enough cash as he does not want to take loans. He calls it "Living in Debt".

I wold say that you should not now, and maybe not latter, once you try to decide job over kids, then you should not, If you really want kids, there would not even be a discussion, you would want them more than anything.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I wold say that you should not now, and maybe not latter, once you try to decide job over kids, then you should not, If you really want kids, there would not even be a discussion, you would want them more than anything.

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Of course I would want to have kids. In fact, I think so much of them that I know a job and a stable source of income must be available before I bring any new life to earth. I must be a responsible parent and ensure that the children would be given the best. How can I decide between job and kids? A job without kids is incomplete. Kids without a proper job is plain stupid. I just need to know when to have them if I want the best for my children.

I never give a short answer so sorry for rambling in advance.

His financial position seems more reasonable than id thought to some degree. It is why I deleted the rant I was writing about financial responsibility. While I believe there is such a thing as good debt, such as loans used to buy an asset that generates income (and for most people this Isn't their residence) like investment properties, or small debts that can quickly be paid off and in turn generate a strong credit rating, thereby allowing you the option of getting a loan for investment purposes... clearly living in debt is often a needless waste of money, and a reflection of poor financial discipline. His attitude about debt isn't without some good points.

Before I get hammered on that, I'm not saying all debt is bad... and I'm not saying all consumer debt is bad... I'm saying too many people don't understand what they are really costing themselves, and living debt "free-ish", if not free, should be a priority.

If he intends to retire and live completely off his cash, the man must plan on having lots of it. That's OK if its happening. But if its just an idea that sounds good, but he's not really putting money away and he's thumbing his nose at the effects of investment gains compounding over time, id be worried.

Yes... all the money in my 401k might take a hard hit if the market turns... still, a substantial amout of it was employer matched ("free money") and even if I lost half of it, id be farther ahead than if I didn't invest at all.

I'm rambling...

Children cost money. Period. Its his right to believe a child, when older, should pay their way, even with school. I tend to be middle ground, expecting my children to bear some burden, while I also take on much of the debt.

You need to have a detailed talk about a couple of things.

First, how will retirement (including medical issues) be funded? Its not good enough to say it simply will happen. How is he going to intend on funding living potentially 20+ years beyond retirement? Will he keep working? What's the plan. Its not something that is unreasonable to ask, and its not something he should be defensive about. My wife and I talk about this. If he intends to live without debt, how will this be accomplished during the time when he will have a lower earning ability (without investments) and the highest medical risks?

Second, you both need some agreement on children and education. Should the child be fully responsible for their education? Are the parents responsible for all or some of their education? Most kids cannot come up with 30k a year to pay for school without taking out loans... which he is against. And right now there are schools that cost that much. In 20 years it'll be a lot more... and that's the shortest horizon if you had kids now.

So again... what are the financial obligations of the parents to the children's education? If he seems to think they should find their own way, and that's not acceptable to you, then you know.

If you are debating it than you are not ready. It is as simple as that.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

first, how will retirement (including medical issues) be funded? its not good enough to say it simply will happen. how is he going to intend on funding living potentially 20+ years beyond retirement? will he keep working? whats the plan. its not something that is unreasonable to ask, and its not something he should be defensive about. my wife and i talk about this. if he intends to live without debt, how will this be accomplished during the time when he will have a lower earning ability (without investments) and the highest medical risks?

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Thanks for your long advice. I like reading long advice as I give some lengthy ones myself.

About the children's education funding method, we've agree to bear almost 90% of it. It is only if we really have shortage of funds will we allow our children to work while studying.

About his retirement and medical issues... hmmm... it is a tough one. I've asked him how will he fund his retirement. He said he will continue working, which he can, given the field of work he is in. But when asked about his health issues and medical expenses, he told me he grants me the authority over his life to end it if he becomes a burden to the family.

I think he is being defensive and ignoring the issue at hand. I do not know how to pursue further without arguing and hammering him with my intense words. Every time I bring up the issue about him using his money to buy assets without taking loan (thereby eroding his savings), he will say I do not trust him. What should I say to him that will not make him feel so sensitive about the issues?

So if he's is willing to bear a substantial burden of debt for the children's education, then I'm not sure I understand the conflict about children.

Saying you get the burden to end a commitment to his well being in late life isn't exactly comforting.

Do you not trust that he will be able to financially support you and himself later in life?

So maybe you feel like the "burden" of financing your children's education should happen sooner than later, as if it happens later it will be something only you can effect, since you will be working?

I don't know.

Your concerns are real and honest, but it seems like you are searching for a reason to back out. Or that you just aren't on the same page mentally.

I'm not going to try to convince you to marry this man. If you are uncertain, then you know there are issues to resolve or issues that make a break needed.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

so if hes is willing to bear a substantial burden of debt for the childrens education, then im not sure i understand the conflict about children.

do you not trust that he will be able to financially support you and himself later in life?

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He is willing to bear the burden of debt for the children's education. But I am not sure whether he knows how much exactly, or how "burdensome" it really would be to raise a child. I have tried to tell him that tertiary education will cost a bomb in 20-30 years time. It seems that he is not much affected by the fact. Perhaps he is thinking that he has enough, or perhaps he is thinking that he will not be around to handle those issues since he would "be in heaven" by then.

There is no conflict about wanting kids. It is just WHEN to have it that bothers me. Like I said, if I have them when I'm young, it will jeopardize any potential I have in career and I can't provide much for the kids should the need arise. If I have kids when I'm older, my husband would be gone and I will be left alone juggling the bills.

I told him my concerns and he said I will probably die before him since my job is stressful and I have not much time for exercise. He also mentioned that if we have kids earlier, then he will use his money to raise them and by the time he retires, my money will not be touched--so it can be used for the tertiary education fund.

Actually, to answer your question, I can't really trust that he can provide for me and himself later in life. Not to mention there will be a family to feed too. His job earns large sums but is dependent on business cycle, i.e. there is no stable income.

Well I don't completely agree...

If you are earning more now and have kids later, you have an ability to invest now, plan now, and time is your friend.

Seems your biggest concern is tied to the age difference. Were he closer in age, would this be such an issue... you are worried he will pass far before your finances are set, especially if you have children.

I don't know.

I have a daughter just finishing up a four year degree at a public in state university. Costs for her education are about 14K a year. This is straight up cost before grants and scholarships. We've taken on loans, as has she. I also have a son who is 4... by the time he gets into college the average cost of going to a public institution (in state) should be about 35-45K a year, with a 4 year degree costing about 160K... for a private education or attending school out of state, the cost today is closer to 25-30K a year now, and will jump to approx high 70s to low 90k per year...

Again, this is straight up cost, following a trend that shows college ed prices increase roughly 5-8% a year, or about double the inflation rate.

For our son, we are pushing money into a 529 college fund that is funded with tax free money, just like a 401k plan, and it grows just the same with the money invested.

You stated he doesn't like earning money by interest, and I took that to mean he didn't care for investment in stocks, mutual funds, etc. but then you said he had invested some, so I don't know where he is exactly on this.

If he is not interested in putting money into investments you know his dollar today is going to be worth so much less in 20 years. A thousand dollars today that isn't invested and gaining through the markets is going to be worth less than 600 dollars in 20 years, assuming a 3% inflation rate.

And just to make it all seem worse, in 20-30 years the baby boomer effect will be rippling through our country... with a huge movement of people out of the workplace and into retirement, needing more medical attention when prices are likely to be skyrocketing. If our govt doesn't address this issue soon, its going to be an ugly time in our country as far as the economy goes.

Not trying to scare you... I'm telling you my own personal concerns about the next 30 years. Gold prices have shot up 200% in two years. That means people aren't trusting the dollar. The fed again is begging for a stimulus package to stim the economy, but ignores that it means it wants people who are already too in debt to go more in debt (this is where you guy is correct in worrying about debt)... I hope I'm wrong, but it could get really ugly if we don't cut back our spending, individually and as a country.

Which seems off topic, but its not. If you work now you have time now to prepare for the future. Living without debt and living within your means is a great thing. You just need to know you are doing everything you can to prepare for 20-30 years down the line.

That said, my wife raised a daughter on one income as a single mother for years, and she was able to live a great life, spend time with her daughter after school, and build up investments. Financial planning is important, but so is living your life while you can. We aren't guaranteed anything. Even having kids. A woman in her 20's has more viable eggs than a woman in her 40's. Just in case you weren't feeling enough pressure.

Look... financial planning is important, but, like I said, so is living. You don't have to do one without the other.

I have to say, I'm quite impressed that you are willing to deal with this in a responsible manner now, before its too late.

Many couples (we see a lot here) would have kids first, worry later. Kudos to you!

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Originally Posted by kp2171

which seems off topic, but its not. if you work now you have time now to prepare for the future. living without debt and living within your means is a great thing. you just need to know you are doing everything you can to prepare for 20-30 years down the line.

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Being an accountant and majoring in finance, I totally agree with your predictions about the future changes in the money and capital markets. That is probably why I am so concern while my partner is still quite laid back. Perhaps he is what LearningAsIGo said, worrying only after a child is born.

I don't want to see my child living in constant fear of not having enough cash. I am working now. But I still need at least 7-10years before I can steady my job and start some meaningful investments. Yet, if I have a child in 5years' time, I will not be able to start my financial plans. Time is not my friend in this matter.

U are right about the worrying over our age difference. Were he any younger, I would probably trust him more and feel more secure to have a child with him. Not so soon, but at least when I have kids, I won't feel so pressured to care for both kids and an old man at home in future.