Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend criticizes, analyzes, nit picks so much!

Hi OK, I have a huge similar situation! My boyfriend nit picks really bad! He gets bugged out if I put the sponge on the sink after I wash dishes instead of in the sink. He got upset because I put the toilet paper downside to grab instead of upside. He'll start cleaning and then gets mad because I am not helping him so I feel every time I clean I have to just start cleaning because when he wants things done he wants it done on his timing. He reminds me of everything I forget and puts me down about it constantly. If I don't do something right away, I get put down and he keeps on and on. He'll get mad if I leave 1 dish in the sink and not wash it right away. He'll tell me "when are you going to clean your car!? He's the worst. It's getting to me so bad that I am about ready to pack my and leave with his baby. I feel so unhappy. He doesn't say things in normal mature ways but in a sarcastic kind of a way. I tell him how I feel and he gets really really upset and says I'm not doing sh*t, it's all in your head. Then raises his voice. He'll bring up somethign out of the blue that is negative that will cause an argument. It's absolutely hell. He's got a anger problem on top of it, he takes anabolic sterioids, he does cocaine every other weekend for 2 days in a row. He gets irritated with people at work, on the road, at the store, with me, his family....etc but claims it's everyone else that's stupid and they are the reason he gets upset because they do stupid sh*t. Etc. I'll cry because I"m sensitive and I want him to stop and he will mimic me, and ask " are you crying?!" but then when he calms down he acts as if nothing happened and I should just give in to his affection, etc. He's got two personalities. I feel emotionally neglected... when I express my feelings maturely and calmly he states "whatever" "your a liar" and acts like a little 16 yr old saying "blah blah, etc"... he's 32! He still has the mentality of wanting to get ed up. He criticizes me for making plans that I don't follow through with them, etc. I don't know why I am still with him. Why? I have a child with him but I don't think that is what is keeping me with him. It's the person I get when he's affectionate, loving, thoughtful, etc.

Every time he pays dinner or something he tells me next time to pay and if I don't I have to feel like a worthless girlfriend even though he has 10x's more funds than I do. Wants me to pay 1/2 the rent though I don't make as much. Always does but wants in return. What is wrong with me?

Can someone help me! I feel so stupid. All my friends hate him, my mother hates him, my sister, he's done some really ed up to me. He cusses at me, calls me idiot or says "R u retarded". If I ask him where a hwy is... "he'll say... we go down that way all the time, you should know and follows up with comments. I don't get it. I'm doing so much to try to work this out and he just doesn't seem to care. I'm a complete mess!

I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel. He says everything is in my head. Blames everything on other people. I feel like I'm just not worth anything. I'm never enough no matter what I do. I don't know if he knows what love is or if he's just got emoitonal problems.

prbrowneyz,

"He gets irritated with people at work, on the road, at the store, with me, his family....etc but claims it's everyone else that's stupid and they are the reason he gets upset because they do stupid sh*t. Etc."

I hate to say this, and I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he has a personality disorder. And if that is the case it can only get worse. Imagine when your baby is older and playing and making a mess, it's going to drive him wild. Sorry, I wish I had something more positive to say but I don't. I can't even say that if he gets help it might work out. I hope I'm wrong but if I'm not, you would be better off out of there if not for your own sake then for your baby's sake. He will ware you down to where you won't know if you are coming or going. Read up on personality disorders on the net, I think you will recognise his behaviour on there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by prbrowneyz

I feel like I'm just not worth anything. I'm never enough no matter what I do.

I wasn't going to respond to this post when I first started reading it, but after reading that you don't think you're "worth anything," I had to say something.

Honey, NO ONE should ever make you feel worthless. You are giving him power over you - power that he is obviously reveling in... power that is YOURS. You are worth something. Don't let your man (or anyone, for that matter) make you feel inferior, worthless, or insignificant.

Take your power back, girl! Stand up to him and tell him that you don't appreciate being treated this way. See what he does.

Good luck! :)

A fav saying...

You get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that...

Meaning you know you deserve better than this. You know your child deserves a life better than this.

Yes... the drugs and steroids can easily play a role in his behavior. That's no excuse.

You need to let yourself believe you deserve better and can get better. You need to believe that how you are treated will impact your child. You've done nothing wrong here. You don't need to be ashamed or feel guilty.

But you should not accept this behavior for one second.

Its scary. Its tough. But you know that this isn't sustainable. You know the longer you stay and settle for this, the harder its going to be to back out.

Sorry that you are going through this.

I dated an "angry" girl years ago. Was with her almost 7 years. She had some emotional issues that just had never been addressed and we were young, so its not like we thought "hmmm... maybe some therapy could help"... my situation was nowhere near as dangerous as yours (yes, I think yours is dangerous), but after we broke up, all the noise and frustration just washed away.

Yes... I was lonely for a time. Yes... I was scared to start all over again. Yes... it was worth it not to have that drama in my life.

I hate to see the parents of a child separate, but sometimes it has to happen. I just don't see how this can get better with your staying.

You can't save someone who doesn't want help. You can save yourself and your child.

Please leave him now. He has issues, most of which have nothing to do with you. Yet you are getting the brunt of it. You can not make him pleased with you by doing stuff his way. You are living with a guy who doesn't see who you are or what he is doing to you. LEAVE.

I feel sorry for him. I feel like he needs me right now. He's already said if I wasn't in his life he wouldn't get help and he's going to anger management and counseling and we are going to do couples counseling. I just feel there is so much he needs to work on and don't know if I can be patient enough. He says everything I say about him I'm exaggerating. I wish that I could video tape him one day so he can see himself in action. I know I deserve better and I don't know why I'm still around but when I'm not with him I think about him, I went on dates, still thought about him. I have this level of love still embedded in me. He was raised really messed up. Nobody is supporting him or encouraging him. I feel like I was put in his life to help in some way but I am getting pain in the process.

Again, I cannot make you believe it, but you cannot let yourself be the reason he fails. Its not your fault.

Staying with a person who treats you poorly does not help them stop.

And yeah, you are going to hurt and feel like crap if you leave. Yeah, you are going to think about him.

Just like the rest of us who have been through this before.

This is my last post here, because I don't have anything new to say. I've told you the truth. You can do something with it or not.

Id you choose to stay you need to accept the treatment you get... you are choosing this. I hope you don't.

Quote:

"I feel sorry for him. I feel like he needs me right now. He's already said if I wasn't in his life he wouldn't get help and he's going to anger management and counseling and we are going to do couples counseling. I just feel there is so much he needs to work on and don't know if I can be patient enough. He says everything I say about him I'm exaggerating. I wish that I could video tape him one day so he can see himself in action. I know I deserve better and I don't know why I'm still around but when I'm not with him I think about him, I went on dates, still thought about him. I have this level of love still embedded in me. He was raised really messed up. Nobody is supporting him or encouraging him. I feel like I was put in his life to help in some way but I am getting pain in the process."

This man sounds emotionally abusive, and with the way you described his behavior-it will probably get worse and most likely become physical.
I was with my man for 7 years, had two children with him, and that is exactly what had happened to me. He used cocoain, drank, he became a major drug dealer. He left us at home wondering where he was at for weeks at a time. Lied every single day, he cheated, he physically, and emotionally-just like your man is doing to you-abused me. And his kids. My family and friends AND co workers hated him.

Men like this are sick and will bring you down so low as to make you feel worthless and as if you are not good enough for 'him'. Or anyone else. WRONG. Take your baby, and get away. In some cases they are incapable of loving someone else because deep down they feel shame in themselves. That's why he makes others feel this way, so he can bring himself up. Men/Women like this rarely ever change. If you want to learn more about these people, I have a very interesting article that can help you. Let me know.

-TJ-

Quote:

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

"I feel sorry for him. I feel like he needs me right now. He's already said if I wasn't in his life he wouldn't get help and he's going to anger management and counseling and we are going to do couples counseling. I just feel there is so much he needs to work on and don't know if I can be patient enough. He says everything I say about him I'm exaggerating. I wish that I could video tape him one day so he can see himself in action. I know I deserve better and I don't know why I'm still around but when I'm not with him I think about him, I went on dates, still thought about him. I have this level of love still embedded in me. He was raised really messed up. Nobody is supporting him or encouraging him. I feel like I was put in his life to help in some way but I am getting pain in the process."

This man sounds emotionally abusive, and with the way you described his behavior-it will probably get worse and most likely become physical.
I was with my man for 7 years, had two children with him, and that is exactly what had happened to me. He used cocoain, drank, he became a major drug dealer. He left us at home wondering where he was at for weeks at a time. Lied every single day, he cheated, he physically, and emotionally-just like your man is doing to you-abused me. And his kids. My family and friends AND co workers hated him.

Men like this are sick and will bring you down so low as to make you feel worthless and as if you are not good enough for 'him'. Or anyone else. WRONG. Take your baby, and get away. In some cases they are incapable of loving someone else because deep down they feel shame in themselves. That's why he makes others feel this way, so he can bring himself up. Men/Women like this rarely ever change. If you want to learn more about these people, I have a very interesting article that can help you. Let me know.

-TJ-

Def want the site!

You are thinking of videotaping him, to show him that you're not exaggerating? Do you believe that you are exaggerating? Does listening to him for a while make you wonder? Love him all you want but love yourself and your child too. He is very sick. I recorded my abusive partner. He denied that it was his voice. Get out of there!

It's all somebody's fault regardless. You can take the blame and responsibility upon yourself if you choose. It's a free country. And what does it matter if it is all in your head? Obviously there isn't much going on in his, and just because it is in your mind, that doesn't mean it is not true.

Girl, you are ALWAYS enough. YOU are good enough and you're worth WAY more than all those harsh words you get. It's hard, I know. Especially when you guys were probably close at one point. Though he has money and can support you, I'm sure you can find a place with your family. Don't feel to dependent on this guy. Just because your family doesn't like your boyfriend doesn't mean they've stopped loving you. There are people who care about you and love you and this guy doesn't seem like one of them. In then end, just do what feels right and what makes YOU happy. You deserve that.