Hello everyone,
Rhis is my second post on this matter. Recenetly found my husband has been spending quite a bit of money with no explanation of where it went = no receipts and nothing to show for it ($600 in a weeks time). Found credit card receipts for everyday purchases, which by the way accounts were opened without my knowledge. Admitts to deleating phone calls from cell phone. Lost interest in me and our home. Lengthy grocery/gas trips. Hidden pay stubs.

I have began keeping track of things I never used to due to suspecions. I have asked about an affair and he says no. But I have caught him in lies about other things recently. All of this is not typical behavior ob his part.

Been married for 25 years with 2 grown children and 1 still at home. Thaught our marriage was pretty sound until the past few months.

In an argument a week ago, asked him the question "her or me?" First reply was "I don't know" second replay was "I don't want her and I don't want you". Has since apologized.
But why would he even say this if there isn't another woman?

Would very much like to hear your thaughts - affair? Also, how do I find the truth when I don't feel he is telling me?

Well, seems to me if you would stop getting bent out of shape long enough for you and he to have a quiet conversation with him, you may get to the truth.

I don't have any magic wand that will hold your fears at bay while you are struggling your way through this quagmire his statement or misstatement has plopped you into. I can say this, do not talk to you children about this, for the present time. Talk to your husband, alone. Might I suggest that you start by refreshing his mind by telling him the offending comment.

Then ask him to wait, hold his answer to you are finished. Now tell him you fears about what this response meant to you. Please try to keep this very much first person without letting the panic and fear slip into your voice.

Let him have his turn to answer you. Prepare yourself for the worst possible response .

If it is as bad as you suspect ask him what you did or did not do to make him abandon his wife, children and throw-away his home. All for what pitifully little difference this other woman offered him.

I suggest you do nothing with anything he say while you think your way through to a plan

I think the argument speaks volumes...

Can't say what has happened, if anything... but clearly you two are on the ropes. Time for some talk without the bull$hit, cause I think its now or never.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hurt and confused

Hello everyone,
Rhis is my second post on this matter. Recenetly found my husband has been spending quite a bit of money with no explanation of where it went = no receipts and nothing to show for it ($600 in a weeks time). Found credit card receipts for everyday purchases, which by the way accounts were opened without my knowledge. Admitts to deleating phone calls from cell phone. Lost interest in me and our home. Lengthy grocery/gas trips. Hidden pay stubs.

I have began keeping track of things I never used to due to suspecions. I have asked about an affair and he says no. But I have caught him in lies about other things recently. All of this is not typical behavior ob his part.

Been married for 25 years with 2 grown children and 1 still at home. Thaught our marriage was pretty sound until the past few months.

In an argument a week ago, asked him the question "her or me?" First reply was "I don't know" second replay was "I don't want her and I don't want you". Has since apologized.
But why would he even say this if there isn't another woman?

Would very much like to hear your thaughts - affair? Also, how do I find the truth when I don't feel he is telling me?

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Im taking it that you are in denial about what's going on because the answer is staring you in the face plain as day. You need to come to terms with this. You need out of that situation. I'm pretty sure things aren't doing so well financially with him forking everything over to his mistress so you might want to start saving up for a lawyer.

It does sound to me as if he is or was involved in an affair. Try to sit down and CALMLY discuss things with him, without arguing. See if you can find out what is bothering him. In the meantime, start making some plans of your own against the time when/if the marriage ends.

Hey there. Firstly, he wouldn't admit to having an affair for (one if not more of) the following reasons:
He doesn't want to hurt you/isnt ready to finish your relationship
He doesn't want to be found out and made the 'bad' guy in your children's eyes
He's getting his cake and eating it... he has a home with you and feels he can still have a 'single' life without committing himself to leaving!
He's enjoying the honeymoon period with another female... without the stresses that 'normal relationships' (ie:arguments, bills,children) are under.

Has he cheated on you before, or have you had suspisions before? He seems to be acting cold... is he trying to find fault with things you do or picking arguments? This is often a tactic cheating spouses use to justify their affair (to themselves).
If he wasn't having an affair he wouldn't have said he 'didnt know' when you asked him the question... why would he have said that if 'her' didn't even exist?
What men who cheat don't understand is that you need to know the truth, now you are in no mans land, you don't know where you stand or what to do. If you are doubting that he's having an affair then you don't want to end the relationship wrongly. If you knew however that he was having an affair you could decide how to act and what to do... its the not knowing that's a big problem. I would say trust you instincts... have you asked him why he deletes calls? I am sorry to say that I think he is cheating.. otherwise he wouldn't be deleting calls etc... can you check his bank statements (I don't care if this is illegal,this is your life) or his phone when he's not looking or sleeping? He has now put doubt into your mind (through his behaviour) and its up to you to remove this doubt or confirm it, only you can put your mind at ease!!
It could be that he is having a mid-life crisis and is just gambling or doing something else, but you know your husband best and I'm sure you have thought about all of the other possibilities before drawing your conclusions, because that's what we do, we try to rationalise when the answer is as clear as day.

(a bit of a messy post but I hope its helped)

hurt and confused wrote: "Thaught our marriage was pretty sound until the past few months." Your relationship was on cruise control and look what happened. Not just your fault or his, but you are both responsible. Do you have a source of income, in addition to his? I believe you should start with a counselor, alone. See what happens.

I agree with previous people! Obviously there is a "her" somewhere, but it may not be as serious as you think because you really don't know what is going on! You need to sit down and tell him flat out "I need the truth, or I'm through with this grief." I'm not saying that you should tell him your leaving him, but just be straight about it----IF YOU DON'T GET THE TRUTH, IT WILL END SOON! You can't have a happy relationship with someone that is lying to you.

I think you should start splitting up your finances, bank accounts that you share and so on. If he is set on spending his money on someone else, at least it won't be your money! And you should plan for the worst... even though it could not even be the situation, never hurts to be prepared.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

hey there. Firstly, he wouldnt admit to having an affair for (one if not more of) the following reasons:
He doesnt want to hurt you/isnt ready to finish your relationship
he doesnt want to be found out and made the 'bad' guy in your childrens eyes
He's getting his cake and eating it...he has a home with you and feels he can still have a 'single' life without commiting himself to leaving!
He's enjoying the honeymoon period with another female...without the stresses that 'normal relationships' (ie:arguments, bills,children) are under.

Has he cheated on you before, or have you had suspisions before? He seems to be acting cold....is he tring to find fault with things you do or picking arguments? this is often a tactic cheating spouses use to justify their affair (to themselves).
If he wasnt having an affair he wouldnt have said he 'didnt know' when you asked him the question...why would he have said that if 'her' didnt even exist?
What men who cheat dont understand is that you need to know the truth, now you are in no mans land, you dont know where you stand or what to do. If you are doubting that he's having an affair then you dont want to end the relationship wrongly. If you knew however that he was having an affair you could decide how to act and what to do...its the not knowing thats a big problem. I would say trust you instincts...have you asked him why he deletes calls? I am sorry to say that i think he is cheating..otherwise he wouldnt be deleting calls etc...can you check his bank statements (I dont care if this is illegal,this is your life) or his phone when he's not looking or sleeping? He has now put doubt into your mind (through his behaviour) and its up to you to remove this doubt or confirm it, only you can put your mind at ease!!!
It could be that he is having a mid-life crisis and is just gambling or doing something else, but you know your husband best and i'm sure you have thought about all of the other possibilities before drawing your conclusions, because thats what we do, we try to rationalise when the answer is as clear as day.

(a bit of a messy post but i hope its helped)

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More than a messy... well, I got your point anyway. But thinking about the poster and her stress, the way she explains us her situation, etc, for her it will be even harder to get the point. Kiki, be more carefully!
Lets see this thing from another point of view. I hope the lady in there, the one who seems confused, gets my point too. I make you a question, which I made first to myself, long time ago. What is an affair? Why do we call it affair? Also, are we allowed to call it an affair, if our partner finds him/herself in a emotional and intimate situation with someone else? What makes you believe that his/her intentions are just simple and selfish? How can you be absolutely 100% sure that what your partner made, wanst just a reaction to your actions? Our mind as humans, works in dualism... we see white or black, we see good or bad.. but life doesn't go like that. Life is much simple. If something is done, it isn't important if its good or if its bad. It isn't important if its black or if its white. Now, to come back to our situation. We, as humans, because of our self esteem, our ego, when we feel hurt, abandonated, cheated, or whatever, we try to find a good in ourself, so that we can justify our actions, and judge the partners actions. Me, as an ex-"hurted", and as a different thinker from most of the people in here, I think and I have always thought, we need to find the reasons of an action or reaction, in ourself first. If we do, and find ourself guilty even less than 10%, than, I can guarantee you that that 10%, in your partners eye was more than 100%. I hope you get my point. To make it short, our actions get reactions from our partners. Good or bad, that's not important. So, original poster, I think that, like a human, also a relationship has two hands. One is yours, and second one is that of the partner. Can you say that your hand is really clean?? Don't get me bad, but from what I saw, you are a dependent person, someone who worries too much, someone who makes the wrong questions, and even plays with fire. You can't ask someone if they cheated. What are you expecting in here? A better way to get and answer, is to see the reactions. What would happened if: you see your partner is acting weird, distant, etc, and you do the same, and see his reactions??

First, the OP hasn't been here since February 3... she isn't reading these threads or updating.

Second, she started several threads within a very short time... short of it is after this post she found out there's a woman chasing him at work that he isn't interest in (thats the supposed woman) but he hasn't confessed about her, his coworkers told the wife he's been bothered by this unwanted attention that's been disruptive, and also he has a past gambling addiction that he is acting on again (there goes the money).

His statement he didn't want either woman is still bothersome, even if the other women is pestering him, but until she comes back to the boards and at least reads posts, I'm not spending any more time on this one.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...nd-172909.html