Ask Me Help Desk - Force him to give up rights

My daughter is two years old. Her father in not on the birth certificate. He has no court order for anything. He does not support her in any way. Hasn't seen her in about a year and half, he's been in Iraq. He has never sent her a birthday card, christmas card... or anything else. He has had no contact with her. He can't use the excuse he's been over seas because he's been back to the states twice and put forth no effort to see her. He was about to send letters and phone calls to his other friends but not to her. He does however have a DNA test. He will be back in the states around April and recently sent me an email asking if he could have joint custody and be put on her birth certificate. My current boyfriend has been there since she was a few months old. She calls him by his name and knows he's not her "dad". When asked where her dad is, she says she doesn't know. She doesn't even think she has one. I don't want my ex in her life now. I think that would disrupt her life. When I was pregnant he was very physical with me, even to the point of choking me against a wall when I was 8 months along. He doesn't think that hurt the baby. Anyway, is there a way, other than threatening to make him pay back child support pay to get him to sign away his rights? I want, eventually, my boyfriend to be able to adopt her.

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Originally Posted by patricia_-_2006

My daughter is two years old. Her father in not on the birth certificate. He has no court order for anything. He does not support her in any way. Hasn't seen her in about a year and half, he's been in Iraq. He has never sent her a birthday card, christmas card...or anything else. He has had no contact with her. He can't use the excuse he's been over seas because he's been back to the states twice and put forth no effort to see her. He was about to send letters and phone calls to his other friends but not to her. He does however have a DNA test. He will be back in the states around April and recently sent me an email asking if he could have joint custody and be put on her birth certificate. My current boyfriend has been there since she was a few months old. She calls him by his name and knows he's not her "dad". When asked where her dad is, she says she doesnt know. She doesnt even think she has one. I dont want my ex in her life now. I think that would disrupt her life. When I was pregnant he was very physical with me, even to the point of choking me against a wall when I was 8 months along. He doesnt think that hurt the baby. Anyway, is there a way, other than threatening to make him pay back child support pay to get him to sign away his rights? I want, eventually, my boyfriend to be able to adopt her.

File for support, and then see what happens. If he really wants to be in her life, that won't phase him. If he doesn't, then that may be the opening you're looking for to get him to sign away his parental rights.

This question seems to get posted a lot. I answer in the same manner almost each way. However, this time my answer is going to change slightly based on the information you gave.

First and foremost you do not have the right, regardless of his past, to take away a father's right to visit his child, or relinquish his rights, as he is the father. It's lousy he has not been a part of her life in the manner he could have. I also agree that being in Iraq does not give him an excuse to try to reach out to her.

I'm always amazed when I hear parents not wanting to be a part of a child's life. I've heard so many excuses as to why they don't but none of them have yet made sense. However, they still have rights as parents that none of us can take away.

She seems to be lucky to have a man who accepts her as his own. That is a wonderful person that can do that as it's unwavering kind of love. You can only respect a person like that.

Because he is in the military I can't help but to play devils advocate here. I was in the military and saw this quite a bit. It's unfortunate, but common. A military member is paid quite a bit more if they have a dependent. Not only that they are given many more privileges. Example; living off base if under a certain rank without exception and then reimbursed for the expense. Rarely does the military as if the child lives with them or not. However, regardless if his daughter lives with him, the military will add her as a dependent if he provides a birth certificate. I bring this up because of the sudden interest he has in being added to the birth certificate and interest in her.

Though that might be the reason he wants those changes to take place, you cannot change that. It is his daughter. You can however, file for child support and the court system will see that you have raised this child on your own and all that you have done. At the same time I think this country has a soft spot right now for all soldiers fighting in Iraq.

Please try to remember as much as the two of you may not like each other, or respect each other right now, you both have this little girl. She deserves both parents. I recently saw one post where the reader reminded the mother that her boyfriend was once the same way and he just needed to grow up. I think we have to remember that. At the same time, as a mother, I can appreciate where you stand. As mothers when we have a child, life does not wait for us to grow up or get it right, before our child needs us. When they are born we transform into the parent they need and we need to be for them.

Keep doing what you are doing please just don't turn into somebody you are not because you are bitter. Do what is best for your daughter and remember it is about her. And give a extra hug to that man in your life that has stepped in and chosen to be a father when he doesn't have to be.

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Originally Posted by life1973happened

This question seems to get posted a lot. I answer in the same manner almost each way. However, this time my answer is going to change slightly based on the information you gave....

Wow, I did not expect an answer like this. I'm grateful for your time in answering me. However, (and I'm going to blame this on the fact that you don't truly know the person her sperm donor is) I am going to take his rights away. There is no doubt about that. Just because he offered his sperm to me and created a child does not mean in any way that she is his. I just wanted to know if there's any other way to take his rights away other than threatening back pay. I do not want child support from him nor does he want to pay child support. I'm sorry, but he has no right to her. And I'm going to make sure of that. I'm not bitter for no reason, he's a bad person and a worse "father".

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Originally Posted by patricia_-_2006

However, (and I'm going to blame this on the fact that you dont truely know the person her sperm donor is) I am going to take his rights away. There is no doubt about that.

I'm not bitter for no reason, he's a bad person and a worse "father".

Sorry but there are some very big doubts about that. Termination of parental rights is a serious business. A Family court judge is unlikely to involuntarily terminate unless it can be proven that the parent representsadangerto the child. I don't know what makes you so confident that this will happen, but it appears misplaced.

You say he is bad person, but there is no evidence of it in your posts. Unless you can prove he is a significant danger to her (i.e. he is prone to violence or is a pedophile) then your best option is to entice him to relinquish his rights so your husband (once you marry) can adopt. And your best bet to do that is to file for child support.

No, you are going to spend 1000's in court but unless the bio father is willing to sign his rights away, you are not going to force him to give up his rights, just don't happen,

The idea that your husband ( many states still want husband, not boyfriend) to adopt, then the bio father will not have to pay the child support.

I know you want, but in today's legal system, taking rights away is hardly ever done and normally there has to be some very serious issues. And even then they are still often given supervised visits.

Depends on the state where you live. In my state, all it takes is no support and no contact for a period of one year, and someone willing to step in and take over his rights.

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Originally Posted by Momma to three

Depends on the state where you live. In my state, all it takes is no support and no contact for a period of one year, and someone willing to step in and take over his rights.

Its rarely that easy. But even those three requirements are hard. But they clearly don't apply to the OP. The father is asking for joint custody, so even if there had been no support or contact, he's initiating it now and a judge is unlikely to grant termination in that case.

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Originally Posted by patricia_-_2006

I am going to take his rights away. There is no doubt about that. Just because he offered his sperm to me and created a child does not mean in any way that she is his. I just wanted to know if there's any other way to take his rights away other than threatening back pay. I do not want child support from him nor does he want to pay child support. I'm sorry, but he has no right to her. And I'm going to make sure of that. I'm not bitter for no reason, he's a bad person and a worse "father".

As the others have stated... you can't take his rights away unless he is willing to sign them over. And even then, you would have to have someone waiting to adopt the child in his place... and, again, as the others have said... that person is a husband, and most states require you be married at least a year before even allowing that.

You are somewhat right with your statement

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Just because he offered his sperm to me and created a child does not mean in any way that she is his.

Sperm doesn't make a father but it most definitely makes the child his.

If he doesn't want to relinquish his rights... there is really nothing you can do about it.

I just reread the original post. You referred to his being very physical with you, even choking you. Were these incidents reported? If they were then you may have some grounds for terminating rights.

As for your remark about "offering sperm". Unless this was an artificial insemination, that's a crock. You had sexual intercourse with him. He didn't just offer sperm to help you get pregnant.