I have 3 boys and looked forward to being a mother in law and grandma.

My daughtner in law is very rude, outspoken, LIES , if my son says up she says down.

I have let them have money, time ( I took a week off when she returned to work after our grandaughter was born) I was with the baby from 7 until 5 daily. I loved it but when my daughtner in law doesn't need anything she is a different person.

There has always been tension with her and my husband because he will not put up with her.

I am very easygoing, and do not like conflict. I will avoid conflict at any cost. But I am now losing sleep over this.

Any Suggestions

Hey Cardmom,
It's a hard situation when someone we may not like much becomes a family member, especially when she holds the power over you seeing your new grandchild. If I were in your shoes I would keep my eyes on the prize, access to the grandchild. You're son is grown up and he picked her so what is between them is between them and I would work very hard never to show an opinion or take sides in their relationship issues.

It may make it easier to remember that your daughter-in-law isn't rude because of you, she's rude because that's who she is. You didn't make her rude and you don't have the power to make her nice. Her actions reveal her character, not yours. You didn't choose her, your son did and all you can do now is stay neutral to keep the door open to the grandchild. I know she's not the daughter in law your hoped for but she's what you got and she's not going to change to please you.

I don't know if these things will help you sleep better tonight but if your actions help maintain an unruptured relationship with the new baby, I'm willing to bet you'll sleep better over the upcoming years.

I agree with rachel but wanted to add that to avoid conflict with her if you feel there is going to be a problem with something, (ex: like she wants something and you don't want to do it)
Politely tell her you will sleep on it and then when you are ready tell your son your decision or talk it over with him.

Whoa... she's rude about WHAT, exactly? And when?

Is she rude when you do something with her child that she doesn't like, but you feel is your prerogative as a grandparent? Is she rude when you show up unannounced?

There are two sides of the story here, and we need to know what exactly the conflicts are over before we can advise you.

One thing I will stress here--it's your grandchild, but it's HER child. And it's your son--but HER husband. My husband (and his family, by extension) and I had issues when we were first married, because I felt that as his WIFE, I came before his parents. Period.

Is this something you can talk to your son about?