My girlfriend often asks me to hit her. I feel very uncomfortable doing this as it feels like she wants to be abused. Also it seems to be an underlying or subconcious manifestation of actions that have occurred during her life which she has not openly expressed to me.

She is a very nice girl. And I care for her dearly. But her desire to be struck is emotionally unnerving. It's not playful slaps she's asking for. Rather bruising beatings. And it is something I'm just not comfortable with.

Any thoughts or helpful insights on this will be most appreciated.

Thank you!

1. If you are actually doing it when she asks, you have just abused her and can go to jail ( and sorry should since there is no excuse even being asked)

2. You should know she needs deep mental health treatment and be getting her help, not physcially harming her.

Yes it is basically the same as 'cutting' except they do not want to self inflict.
They feel unworthy and undeserving of anything positive and feel the 'need' for pain to numb them to their hurt or even the feeling that things are going too good for them. It is their way of adjusting to the conflict within them. They say the abuse is a form of release.
Most likely it is past issues she hasn't come to terms with. Usually stuff like negative parents always telling you you are worthless.
She needs counseling. This is not good.

This book is about cutting but same thing only different.
Inside A Cutter's Mind - Jerusha Clark

What you're doing is the same as abuse. No offense, but you actually hitting her when she asks you to, its equally as messed up as what she's doing. The first time she ASKED you to hit her, should have immediately signaled a red flag. At that point you should have realized she needed serious physcological help, and got her the help... not hit her.

She does have some deep seated psychological problems that need addressed as you know that her behavior is inappropriate asking to be hit.

b,

You have to make amends for the terrible thing you have done...

Apologize to her and tell her you want *both* of you go to a psychiatrist... make an appointment right away. Go and talk to the physician about what happened. Let the doctor advise you both.

She could be a masochist. Some individuals enjoy pain as sexual pleasure. I would ask her why she wants to be hit. Is this something that is sexual? I would explain to her that you are not going to hit her because you feel that you are abusing her, even if she says she wants you to. I don't think that a psychiatrist is your best option but a psychologist is better suited to help with your counseling needs. Consult with a psychologist first and after a diagnosis has been made he/she will recommend weather or not to seek the services of a psychiatrist. Remember, not all psychologists are the same and have different backgrounds and influences. Also, a psychologist is a cheaper option. A Psychiatrist tends to use the medical model of treatment as they are M.D.'s and a psychologist tends to use a counseling model as they are M.A. Ph.D.'s, MSW etc. DO NOT APPROACH THIS AS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER as most people will get defensive and clam up. Talk to her first about this sitiuation and ask her to go to counseling WITH you if need be. Insurance will typically pay for about 20 sessions of counseling. I hope this helped.

Tony J,

Thank you in particular for your response. As it was the most applicable to our situation.

And thank you all for your responses, as they are both helpful and insightful.

As a couple we have discussed this desire, as well as my concerns openly. She has been very forthright and honest in her response to my concerns.

Given the reaction of this forum to my inquiry, I will continue to stick to my resolve and openly discuss my concerns. And certainly not do anything I do not feel comfortable with.

I was very nervous about writing to a random forum for advice but am very glad I did.

Thank you!

Just an update... It's been a little while since I posted my concern. And things are going great. We've discussed my feelings in depth regarding this subject. And spent most of that time discussing her feelings on the subject. We've decided to be careful. Yup Careful. On her end this is a sexual urge. The history and manifestation of which I won't divulge. (Read your psych reviews if you want to be imaginative). The abusive nature of my concern is now null and void as we have agreed on the important matters of the playful actions. Such as safe words, (for both of us!! ), limits and extremes etc etc... And indeed it has become quite fun for us both. ;-) And has certainly taught us a great deal about ourselves and the nature of our relationship. And brought us closer in many many ways. It is really amazing how being open can bring two people together. Especially when it comes to the things that trouble one the most.

Thank you all for your honesty and concern.

Peace and Love

-Ray-

And in talking we have learned things we never wanted to share... but feel more whole having done so.

It sounds like she's a masochist. Don't buy into it as you could get in trouble. Encourage her to get professional help, that's what she needs.