I don't know who I married.
Hi,
I've never written in for any sort of help, but I desperately need it. It's a long story, but I'll do my best to relay my point without making it too lengthy.
When I was 17, I met Tom at a college party. He had a girlfriend of 5 years, but regardless, we hit it off and continued talking for several weeks until he broke up with his girlfriend (Lily) to be with me. We got serious very quickly, and within 6 months I was pregnant. We moved in together immediately, and that's when his controlling behavior got bad. He'd take my car keys with him to work so I couldn't leave the house, unplug phones, and get mad over everything I did that wasn't with him. Needless to say, I was scared, and one day just got up and moved back home with my mom. It sent him into a scary, violent rage, punching the side of our house and breaking many bones in both hands and wrists. Tom didn't hit me, he said he was "too smart" to do something like that.
Months went by, I had our baby girl, and nervously invited him to the hospital (if his mom came with) to meet her. He came to see her a few times, but after an argument on the phone, he hung up and we didn't hear from him for another year. He had hired an attorney for visitation, which I had no problem with. We agreed on that, and he began every other weekend visits with her.
For the next 2 years, he had a serious girlfriend, Penny, who lived with him and was very involved in our daughter's life. We all got along great, I thought we had a perfect arrangement, as far as I could tell, she was loved and well taken care of with them.
At this point, I was 22 years old, he was 23. I had gone out for drinks one night, and knowing he was out as well, called to see if he wanted to meet up at some point. I thought we had a great co-parenting relationship, and why not? But it turned out, I had way too much to drink and spent the end of the night pouring my heart out, telling him I'm in love with him again. Ohh... but I meant it! So things got messy with him and Penny, and again, left his girlfriend to be with me. But things between he and I were great, we had our "little family" that we had both always hoped for. The only problem was his ex... she called constantly, and I was always suspicious about him talking to her, and even seeing her. He talked me out of every suspicion I ever had, telling me I was paranoid and crazy. I thought I was! But when I decided I needed to see a therapist, he refused to let me. He said they just put things in your head that aren't true. This went on for nearly a year, and along with suspicions of him and Penny, Lily was also in his life as a great "friend."
We got married and I figured all my stupid jealousies and gut-feelings would go away. We got pregnant with our 2nd, and I was happier than ever... but I still always suspected he was lying about things. And every time I'd seriously accuse him of lying, he'd threaten to commit suicide, so then of course I'd back down.
Okay... so this is getting long (SORRY!)... but needless to say, I decided to get to the bottom of all my concerns, 3 months after our son was born. What I learned devastated me! Not only had he been cheating on me (with both of them), everything he had ever told me about everything (ex-girlfriends, money, jobs) was a lie. I have NO IDEA how I could be so niave! I consider myself to be a pretty smart person, but gullible, none the less. I cannot believe the one person that I've ever truly loved, trusted with my whole heart, the ONE PERSON I honestly thought would never cheat on me... I feel so stupid.
So, he says the sex stopped when we got married (I believe him), but I know for a fact that inappropriate conversation did not. Oh, and to add to it... a week before our wedding, he signed a piece of paper with Penny, saying he'd pay her $5000, in return, she wouldn't show up at our wedding and tell me he'd been cheating and lying about everything. In addition, he'd asked for naked pictures from both of them, etc...
For the last 6 months (since I discovered Tom's lies) he's shown incredible remorse. He's admitted he has been a pathological liar, and wants help. He says he's always been very insecure (true) and depressed. At first, I was supportive of him, and needing help, but he hasn't gotten it, he says he's just found the "New Tom" on his own, and he is better without counseling. Whatever...
In turn, I have become incredibly depressed. He makes me nervous, angry and sick to my stomach. I grind my teeth 24/7 now, I have headaches all the time, and all I want to do is sleep. I've left twice now, for 2 days at a time, and when I'm away, all my symptoms subside, I'm happy and relaxed again. I know Tom is a manipulative man, he even told me a long while back, if I ever cheated on him, he would seriously murder me, and he would go to jail, and our kids would go to grandma's. He said he'd use an ice pick, and stab me through my eyes, because any woman that would cheat, is not a good role model for his kids, so it'd be better if I were dead. He was all incredibly serious during this conversation, and to this day, the most scared I've ever been in my life. Little did I know, he was the cheater. Ugh!
My problem is that Tom is begging me to give him a chance to redeem himself. I haven't mentioned, he's also a very decent, selfless man. He cleans the house when I'm too depressed to get up, he gives me foot rubs, buys me spa packages, and cooks dinner sometimes. And aside from slightly manipulating our daughter to think "poor dad," he's a good father. He says he would do anything for me, he has just been so afraid of losing me in the past. He at least wants me to try marriage counseling, now that I told him I want to separate.
Should I stay for one more month, and give counseling a shot? I feel like I have fallen completely OUT of love with him. I care about him as a person very much, and will always be a friend to him, and a good co-parent, but I cannot live with him anymore. His touch makes me cringe.
From this message, it may sound obvious that I should leave, but it's not to me. We have 2 great kids, a nice house, and everything is just how it should be, expect for my happiness. Am I being selfish? Because that's how I feel. My mom's advice was to stay, because I don't need the financial instability. I don't care about money though, I was a single mom for 3 years and did just fine without him, even put myself through college. And I was happy then. Am I being ridiculous to think I'd be happiest ALONE??
Please!! Good, bad or otherwise... I need advise, I'm lost in a whirlwind of thoughts.
THANK YOU.