Ask Me Help Desk - Why do I?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for the last 5 months but in the last 2 months he has had to work away but is back at weekends, his dad and brother don't even work just him and his mum, at christmas he came back for 2 weeks and the only time we got alone was in bed whenever we wanted to go out his mum wanted to come it really annoyed me he has to give all his money to them so we can't do a lot but have sex. What should I do should I tell him to tell his mum to back off or should I just wait for him to realise?? Ppllllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeee help!! :mad:

Hi, cazzey,
Being in a relationship means learning about each other; how each other feels, their attitudes, their needs and desires, and how they act in general.
Your boyfriend has close ties to his Mom and family. He feels that he has to "support" them.
The only thing you can do is to have an honest and open talk with him. If after, he still wants to give away his money to his family, there isn't much you can do.
Starting a relationship with someone also means you are starting a relationship with his family! When two people get married (I know you didn't mention marriage), they also are marrying each others' family in many ways.
Is this a family you want to have a close relationship with?
The only choices you have are:
Talk with him.
Accept things as they are.
Start looking around for a new boyfriend.
I do wish you the best of luck, and hope things change for you, for the better.

Sounds like his family is very important to him. It's GREAT he takes care of them if they are down. I am sure he'll taker care of you.

That's kind of selfish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fredg

Hi, cazzey,
Being in a relationship means learning about each other; how each other feels, their attitudes, their needs and desires, and how they act in general.
Your boyfriend has close ties to his Mom and family. He feels that he has to "support" them.
The only thing you can do is to have an honest and open talk with him. If after, he still wants to give away his money to his family, there isn't much you can do.
Starting a relationship with someone also means you are starting a relationship with his family! When two people get married (I know you didn't mention marriage), they also are marrying each others' family in many ways.
Is this a family you want to have a close relationship with?
The only choices you have are:
Talk with him.
Accept things as they are.
Start looking around for a new boyfriend.
I do wish you the best of luck, and hope things change for you, for the better.

Dear, I have to agree with this advice, as it's exactly what you will have to endure no matter who you start a relationship with. Just make sure that when you are in bed, that you are responsible enough to think of the consequences in case you are not using protection, or you'll be stuck with the entire family whether you want to or not. I also think that you are still a little too young to be tied down to this type of life - you have not even begun to live life to the fullest and sex is not everything. By all means, talk to him, but don't expect a sudden turn-around, as he is family oriented and probably will stay that way. You should concentrate on your education, your own independence and your future and ask yourself if this is what you really want. Again, sex is not everything, you need to find out who you are and what you want in life first, then think about a steady boyfriend. No matter what choice you make, I wish you a lot of luck and a happy futue with no regrets.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Sounds like his family is very important to him. It's GREAT he takes care of them if they are down. I am sure he'll taker care of you.

That's kind of selfish.

You're right Wildcat, it is selfish, but some families are that way and we can't change them. I only hope that this young lady will take a second look and realize that they will not change for her either and that her life will be a pattern of the same if she stays with this young man, unless he's willing to leave them for her - which I doubt at this point.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_20.gif

You say his father does not work. Why not?

Is it because he is lazy, or perhaps ill from a stroke and cannot work?

You say brother doe not work. Why not? Is it b/s brother is only 7, 14 yrs old? 20 and in college?

More information is needed to asses whether if he's doing a good or bad thing.

Assuming his father is ill and that is why he is not working, yes it is crappy for you and he, but he is trying to take care of his father/family who took care of him for many years.

If it is just that his Dad is lazy or whatnot, then I don’t think he should be giving them money.

If my Dad got sick, I would definitely help him out, but if my Dad simply was lazy and wouldn’t get a job, then no.

Chery - meant she was being selfish - my family is soooo important to me. I would take care of any of them and I do - my Dad did very well for himself, but he is getting older and needs help sometimes... I will always be there for my family.

She needs to understand the importance of family.

YOu never did say how old you are, but by your thinking I can tell you are very young. You are only his girlfriend so its really not your place to have him tell his mom to back off. Of course he helps his family. Its really not fair of you to be like that. His family obviously needs the help and for you to act that selfish is beyond belief. There are hundreds of things you can do with you man that don't cost a dime and it doesn't have to involve sex. Why don't you use your imagination? ANyway you did leave some things out so why don't you fill us in. It would help us to help you better.

He doesn't have to tell his mother to back off ; he should back off himself. He has to make up his mind to build a life with you and get out from under his family of origin. They've obviously grown dependent on him and for some reason he's allowed that to happen. Perhaps you can try and persuade him that now's the time for him to pull himself out from under their grasp. Unless he's disabled, his father is the one who should be supporting his mother. If his brother is a legal adult, then as long as he's living there he should be contributing to the household finances as well. Just one thing ; are you ready to make the commitment to your boyfriend and give him the love and security that he seems to need and want, in a home of your own? Are you prepared to make it worth his while to leave his present home? If not, then don't expect him to give up his current family and, as long as he's living there, naturally he feels compelled to contribute to the household finances.

I agree with the answers here. Chery and Crankie I was trying to rate your answers, but it's telling me to pass my reputation around. Cazzey, you are in no position to go between him and his family. If you were married to him, perhaps, things would have been different. But you are just his girlfriend so you need to respect his close nit relationship with his family. Try and understand that each family are accustomed to their own ways of social behavior and issues, and it takes time for one to be able to have mutual acceptance. Have good open communication with your boyfriend, and maintain the good relationship with the family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Chery - ment she was being selfish - my family is soooo important to me. I would take care of any of them and I do - my Dad did very well for himself, but he is getting older and needs help sometimes....I will always be there for my family.

She needs to understand the importance of family.

I well understand that there is selfishness on both sides. The Mom is selfish by not giving them time together and always wanting to go along with them, but she is also selfish for wanting him to give up his family just for her after such a short relationship. I still think she needs a good education, a good job, independence, and then re-assess how important just the sex is to her first before getting involved in his family and their relationship - no matter what.

"Mom is selfish by not giving them time together" - I agree. What's up with that? I think he wants her there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

"Mom is selfish by not giving them time together" - I agree. What's up with that? I think he wants her there.

If he does not mind Mom going along because she also works and he enjoys helping her getting out of the house and having some fun, that sounds like a cool and caring son. But this also means that he only reserves his bed for the girlfriend - which should tell her a lot - in that case he wants his cake and eat it too, and is just using her, which is not that fair, and maybe that's the reason she feels left out of everything else.
If this is the case, then she needs to hit the road and leave them to their happiness and seek her own.