Hey everyone interested...

I am new, and this is my first post to a site like this...

I have just been thinking to myself about how I feel I guess, and I am getting kind of angry because I have no answer's. I am 23 years old, and a few years back, I was told I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't exactly know what this is, but I do know I am depressed.. or am I?

See, I always contradicting myself, one minute I'm OK, then the next I'm not. I don't have good relationships with people, because most of the time I feel I hate people, because they are shady and you can't trust anyone. So, if that's the case do I have a right to be like this or is it depression? I'm confused.

I have been on meds, (prozac, trazadone, paxil, celexa) at all different times in my life, and I never felt it did anything. I have not taken anything or seen anyone in a few years now, and I am kind of debating on going back to talk to someone, because I don't talk to anyone about anything.. people don't care.

I feel stupid now because I am going on and on, and I guess I am just venting and saying what's on my mind... I just don't know what to do.. I want to know what's wrong so I can fix it.. but is there really something wrong? Ugh..

Anyway, sorry this is so long, I just thought maybe talking like this would maybe help to figure things out.

Thanks for reading.. God Bless!

Borderline Personality Disorder, I believe that is a kind of multible personality disorder? Where you feel the need to get away from people. You also have delutions about, just everything you can think of.
Am I close?

Anyway, Hating people because their shady, everyone does that from time to time, but if you find yourself doing that all of the time, that is not good.

I don't know exactly what can help you, but I understand what you are saying, It makes sense so to speak.

Maybe you can explain more about what you think is wrong with you?

Regards

ketch84,

To begin with let me congratulate you on seeking advice for this disorder, believe it or not that is a very good sign. Understanding this disorder is half the battle in being able to deal with it. There are some really good forums on the net full of useful advice and others to share your thoughts with. I'll look up a couple for you if you like.

This disorder can be tough to deal with but it doesn't have to be. All the things you speak of the depression, the confusion, and the contradicting yourself is all a part of this disorder. One of the main things you can do to help yourself is to stay calm and not imagine things are worse than they are. You might be right and it might be time to go back and see your doctor. Prozac is good and has the least side effects, it takes about 3 to 6 weeks to get into your system, so if you could stick to taking them for a month or so I know you will begin to feel much better and more able to cope with this disorder.

Welcome to the board by the way. I hope you will stick around and share some more of your feelings. You are not alone.

Thank you very much for your caring responses! This makes me happy.

I think your right about BPD.. I guess I just never cared to look it up. And also about the prozac, I don't stick with anything for more than a week, so I never really gave it a chance to work, and if/when I go back to see the doctor I will work harder on that.

Again, thank you so much for writing your thoughts, opinions, and advice I really appreciate it. :)

That is the real issue with various mental health problems, people don't see the good that the medication does, so they stop, and then when they get back to their old self, they can't see any difference while normally there is.

Please see your doctor and see if treatment is needed still.

Spartan112,

If I may, BPD (borderline personality disorder) is not a multiple personality disorder - DID (dissociative identity disorder). Though, yes, you do feel the need to be on your own a lot of the time. And when not taking medication, yes, you may be a little delusional. But it is controllable with the right meds. And there is so much information on the net that can also be quite helpful.

I'm just confused... Thats the first and most word I use over and over again in my head. As I said, one minute I'm OK, the next I'm not. I'm sad, I'm not happy with my overall life. I feel like I can do more, I see how I should be living my life and what I want from it, but in the moment when I try to better myself, I get into the, "F" it mind set.

I set goals for myself and they sound amazing and I'm happy, then I go to do it and I get lazy or just don't care anymore. I understand I should probably get back on meds, and that I should stick to it, but I'm afraid, as I do with everything else.. I will have 1 good day and say "F" it.

It's weird.. about the being alone thing... I do prefer to be by myself.. but when I think of what would make me happy, its when I think of my family on christmas or having cook-outs, just being together and being happy, and that's what I want.. but yet, I still prefer to be on my own... CONFUSED.. once again, haha.

Preferring to be alone is nothing wrong with itself, I to prefer to Be alone. Offcource I am there for my friends and I contact them when I don't want to be alone anymore but, I like being alone :)

WHat are those goals of yours Ketch?

I looked up BPD on the net because I don't think I have ever known anyone with this problem, don't know anything about it.

I guess I would say that you are *not powerless* to make a life for yourself! Medications and therapists are only there to help you make your own life through your own effort.

The first think you have to focus on is working full time... try Wal*Mart, it is a fun place to work. Once you accomplish working regularly, you can add other positive things to your life that make you happy!


Best wishes in the coming year,

ketch84,

The mood swings can feel a bit disturbing but once you read up on this and realise that they are a part of the disorder it will help you accept them more and simply go with them. Do what needs to be done when you feel okay, and rest if you can when you don't. Once the Prozac kicks in you will be able to deal with it all so much better. As for dealing with goals, try this if you like, make the decision to do something towards the goal at 3pm the next day and every day at 3pm until you reach that goal. Going on as you are nothing gets done. By breaking it down into smaller tasks and having a set time to deal with each task at least gets you a little closer to your goal.

Being on and off the meds is normal with this disorder, but not really very helpful. We begin to feel okay and something in us tells us that we don't need the meds because we are fine. BUT.. We are only fine so long as we take the meds. Try writing some rules for yourself now, rules telling yourself that no matter how good you feel you will keep taking your meds. Write that it is only by taking them that you are able to feel good. And so when you do begin to feel like you are okay and don't need the meds read what you wrote and try to see that you are right.

Being on your own and being with family. With a little planning you can have both. Your probably on your own most of the time, so when you want to be with family and friends all you need to do is pace yourself, you don't have to stay too long, maybe a couple of hours depending on how good you feel. It's all about taking control, accepting the disorder, and learning to compromise with yourself. Be as good to yourself as you would be to a sick friend. :)

Thank you all, for all your advice. I will try setting smaller goals for myself, and sticking to it.
I do work full-time now, but I gave my 2 week notice today, because I am getting burnt out. I work 9 hours a day, I work with children and I don't get any break during the day, maybe 10 min. I love my job, but it's a hard job. I will be done with this in 2 weeks. I have never kept a job longer than 6 months.
My husband is leaving for 6 months in April.. (he is in the military) and I am moving back home to my parents house, until he gets home. I have A lot to do, in preparing for driving cross country, and getting storage, canceling insurance, changing doctors, getting house clean so other renters may look, and much more.. so I am hoping that I can stick to my goals. I just have a lot on my plate right now, and my husband is such a great help, but because he is leaving he has been away a lot to train for what he will be doing. I miss him.

So anyway.. I will study up on BPD and try to see why I am feeling what I'm feeling.And get some help!

Again, thank you so very much for everything!

You are very welcome. I just hope some of it was useful. Good luck with everything. Take care.

Hi Ketch,
I'm glad you wrote and shared what you're feeling! Blue Rose has some very good advice for you. I also suffer from depression and want to be alone a lot. Over the past year or so, I have a hard time just leaving my home to run errands and small things that used to be just routine for me. I have had a very hard time dealing with this, since I used to be a very friendly outgoing person that was always out doing something. I do understand when you say that you don't trust people, and that people don't care. Well, there are some of us out here that do! I don't want anyone to feel like I do sometimes, and if I can help in any way I will. I know I appreciate it when someone takes the time for me.

Everyone wants, and needs, to set goals... but when something is wired wrong in your head and you don't know how to fix it, it can be very very frustrating, which in turn makes you more depressed. If someone told you your leg was broken, you would know exactly what to do. But when someone talks about "mental health" there is still such a stigma attached to it. There shouldn't be! The brain controls everything we do and think right? So when someone says to me... just pull yourself up by your "bootstraps", and get out there and set those goals and stick to them... well it makes me angry! It's not as simple as going to get a full time job at Walmart. No one would tell you to do that if you were laying in a hospital bed with a bunch of broken bones now would they?!

You are young girl! I hope you can get to a Dr. that can fully evaluate what is wrong so they can get you on the meds that will control whatever it is that is going on so you can be happy and not alone!

Take care of yourself :)