Hi !

I would like to introduce myself to the community and I am very happy there is a site like this this in existence. I am here to discuss the possibility of a personality disorder, perhaps bi-polar disorder.

I know you can't diagnose someone with a mental disease just through a post like this, but any answers in the right direction would help. Even if anyone can just give me an idea if there is possibility that the cause of my very recent ex's behaviour is due to any type of mental condition. Any advice is welcome.

I am writing because I recently had a breakup with a man with intense personality qualities I have never dealt with before, and due to some research I have done, I am starting to wonder if the cause was some form of Bi-Polar Disorder or some related personality disorder.

I think that if I can describe some of his traits and someone can give me some idea as to whether his behaviour is caused by this disease, I will at least be able to have some more closure. I hope someone can help me.

I have been suspicious for some time and I know that one of his siblings had told me that they suspected that the cause for their mothers mental and sometimes psysical abusiveness was bi-polar disorder and another sibling had a serious mental disorder and was normal once under medication, I believe I was told this sibling had shciztophrenia.



Here are some traits that I am suspicious about:

- Bad temper, but at other times can be very loving and generous

- Can be very friendly and sometimes so difficult

- Goes shopping on some level on pretty much a daily basis

- Started a whole new way of dress/ New Look / Gets on a "kick"

- Is really into drinking high energy soda pop like red bull etc...

- Aggressive but can be so sweet

- Self righteous

- Claims to be religious, but is into dark loud non-christian music (I am not christian)

- Has exploded at family members (his family member warned me of his bad temper)

- Seems to always want to be busy doing something

- No friends, a few aquaintainces

- He experienced some family trauma and deaths to those very close to him about 15 years or so ago, and I wonder if these experiences caused extreme behaviour

- Myself and others found aspects of his behaviour a bit strange/ out of proportion. He sort of pushed me before but it wasn't in a super abusive way, but kind of inapropriate. Then he cursed at me !


What really came to a head for me was the EXTREME and abrupt nature of our breakup. Our relationship was very passionate and close for the year that we were together.
We were starting to buy household items and make plans for our future to live together in a house. He was affectionate to me the last night and then we had one of our fights and he wanted to break up and there was NO WAY of turning around the situation. It was literally here today, gone tomorrow. I even asked him a few days prior if everything was OK with us and he said yes but then, after the break up (this could also have to do with pressures from his family to be kind to me) he wanted to hang out as a "friend" a few times as if nothing happened.

This was a very dramatic switch to the loving couple we were just right before. Now, in terms of getting back together, it seems all bets are off?!


Sure, writing more details would help but I don't want to put all of you to sleep anymore than I might have !
(Although please feel free to ask anything you like)

I have experienced a great deal of deep depression since this sudden shocking ending of the future I was building for over a year with this man I shared such beautiful love with.

If anyone could help me in any way, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks so much for your help,

Betty :confused:

The sudden break up makes me want to say yes it may be bipolar. I am no expert. I have bipolar but I am not on any medication because I react violently to them and with being pregnant I can't be on them anyway. He seems to have some of the symptoms but they could also be a coinsidence and the only real way to tell is by a doctor. Be very wary though that bipolar disorder is often misdiagnosed as depression and other things. If it runns in the family chances are he has it. I would try to get him to a doctor. There are many places that will check someone in for a week to ensure proper treatment but I am strongly against these places for bipolar people because it causes suicidal tendencies in many people with bipolar because it can cause them to bottom out. <been there done that>

Many people live with bipolar happily with out medication though once they are educated as to what it is and how to control it.

Just because he has a temper doesn't point out to bipolar, Just because the relationship ended does not mean that he has bipolar. I think that your trying to reason and come up with reasons for this change because YOU are unable to except the change in relationship. That is a good step him just wanting to get together as friends. Obviously this person does not have a good way of handling stress, and would probably benefit in counseling of learning better ways of approaching stresses in his life. I do not think it is good to label anybody. Whether it is depression or bipolar, because people like to explain certain peoples behaviours they think it is necessary but it does not always mean that somebodys behaviour is actually the cause of those conditions.

You also can not control somebody else's behaviour, their stresses and thoughts eventually need them to lead themselves to get the help they need. For approaching life in a different way. Some peoples coping mechanisms are different.

You need to know that just because you thought you had a future with him does not necessarily mean it would have been a good situation for you. Maybe he feels that your better off without him. He is giving you the out, maybe to find somebody better.

These are just my thoughts and opinions.

Joe

Jesus helper has some good points you cannot jump to a conclusion but ending a relationship abruptly then acting like nothing happened is one of the signs of bipolar that is how I was diagnosed. My issue was that I had no recolection of it. If he seems to be completely aware of what he is doing then he may just not want to be in a relationship. The only real way to tell is to have him agree to go to a psychologist.

I would ignore the religion thing though. I don't know a "christian" that doesn't listen to rap or metal or something that would be anti religious. But on that thought I don't know any christians that are virgins till marriage or any of the other cardinal rules- hence I'm do not claim religion.

Thanks to both of you. I appreciate it.

I can see sides to different points you both have but honestly, I didn't just "think" there was a future he was acting on building a future with me and talking about it. I really think that I have some valid reason to question, whether his abrupt behaviour might be medical. The family stuff, and the change of dress style for the 3rd time within a year... okay this part may not be bi-polar, or boderline personality disorder, but maybe... midlife crisis. Yeah, maybe he thought there were problems, but every couple has that, and once you have invested a certain amount of time and gotten close, you work things out together. People have trouble with their kids... I mean you can't just give up that easy and not warn people or try to give them a chance to work on it, unless you are selfish or crazy !


Marriage would even come up as a subject too. We talked about how we felt about it, yes or no. We had had fights before. I just can't believe that someone would do something so abruptly... if everything was good enough just right before to be buying things for the future together ! At least if I knew it was medical I could maybe accept it better. But I want the truth, really.

Stuff could be a co-incidence, sure, but don't you think its wrong to just break up with someone with no warning and you have lead them to believe everything was fine and you are moving in together ? We were literally buying things together and figuring out color schemes and what was going to go where.

It's got to be wrong, I mean... people get mad about less serious stuff, like bieng stood up for the prom. This wasn't the prom, it was my life with my loved one !

Do you know how many couples end it abruptly? Many more then you think. I know your thinking that this is not right, and that you might think you're the only one that has experienced. After hearing stories after stories. People a lot of people end things abruptly.

As far as the change in clothes and styles. Is it possible this person had interests with somebody else. These are all possibilities. Your looking for a reason by looking and picking at everything but it still does not point to bipolar.

I do agree that he needs to see somebody, maybe he is willing to go. Has it ever been recommended?

You need to stop looking at the possible reasons and learn to except that he made that choice to end it. Not saying there is no hope at all but I do not want you to always look for things that explain something away, although it might make you feel better, right.

He told me there was no one else. He's a really direct guy. He said he was still in love with me, but that there was financial problems and he got annoyed with the jealousy, fighting and how different we were. Why didn't he tell me that earlier. Why did he say everything was fine in the relationship just days before ? He said I was too jealous, but I had some kind of iffy reasons to be jealous. Still, if you are in love with someone, your body and mind naturally makes you stick it out. I've seen it a million times.

In what way are you jealous, Maybe you need to work on a lot of things before getting into a relationship yourself. These are learning experiances for both of you. You also need to look at his reasons for his decision to end it. I am not going to say anything more though because it seems each time more and more of the story comes out at the same time it seems like you already say that you know what is happening and you know the answers. Even though you're here asking everybodies thoughts.
You might have seen it a million times, in your own mind that is.

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Originally Posted by Brit Betty

At least if I knew it was medical I could maybe accept it better.

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It very well may be "medical", in the sense that his brain structure, function, or biochemistry is to some degree, and at certain times, abnormal, dysfunctional, or out of balance. If that is the case and HE WANTS TO get the medical and therapeutic professionals involved, it might help. But that's not your decision to make, and you probably aren't going to be successful in convincing him to do it if it wasn't his idea in the first place.

I know this is a hard saying, but ultimately, for you and your future, it really doesn't matter why he couldn't follow through, make the commitment, focus his attention, and build a stable and happy home with you. Whether he couldn't do it because of an untreated medical condition, or just out of simple immaturity and selfishness, you have to accept the fact that right now, and for the foreseeable future, he can't do it.

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Originally Posted by Brit Betty

But I want the truth, really.

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He can't do it. It doesn't matter why.

It is normal to feel very sad when a relationship ends... grieve and move on. It doesn't matter if this man had a major mental illness, his behavior is totally unsatisfactory for a long term intimate relationship. He seems to have mood swings, grandiose ideas about himself, and anger issues. Big Trouble.

Often partners don't see that if they have an ill partner, they start going down hill mentally slowly but surely. It is not so easy to come back from this kind of madness. Your responsibility is to yourself in life. You must do the best you can to make a happy life for yourself so you, and those close to you, don't suffer needlessly. That is your goal in case you lost track of it. :)


Very best wishes in the coming year,

Thanks to you all ! You're advice is helpful. Its just hard to get through. Waves of missing him, feeling better, then deeply hurt and in fear that he gets with another woman. I hate feeling like if I only would have done things more his way, whether I was happy about it.
I know that's silly mentally , I know that emotions are not logical. What's the best way to get over someone ? I haven't had to do this in a while and I am experimenting with different ways of coping. I feel like I am never going to get over this, or be this attracted to a man again and have him love me back.

You will get over this. It takes time. You will be attracted to a man again. Sometimes you have to close doors behind you in order to open more doors in front of you. Believe me that in the future you will look back at this experience and be thankful that it did happen. Best wishes for your future. Do not rush things let it happen naturally.

Joe

Well... I (a gay man) was in a relationship a few years ago now that I will never forget. I am not making any suggestion whatsoever that he is or isn't bipolar or have some sort of mental imbalance, I am no doctor... just can offer experience in dealing with a bipolar person in a relationship. I was with this person for about 3 months before I ever even got a hint of anything off, from there it was just, always a whirlwind, a roller coaster ride best describes it, mood swings to the absolute extreme. Big ideas, going places, everything is so happy and wonderful, high energy, then half way through what ever that venture may have been (and there were many) it would take an extreme turn and for no apparent reason. The good upswings were so great it kept me in it, and it takes awhile for a person to realise, or even want to think there is a problem when your in love you tend to try to ignore these things. It was months in, when I made my own "uneducated guess" that he may be multiple personality, wonderful person to demon in a flash. I never made any such suggestion to him, just kept trying to cope constantly confused about... everything... shopping, was one of the "things he did", fashion, cloths, cars, household items, you name it, he saw it and had to have it, within days, no matter the cost he might throw it out or give it away, meant nothing to him anymore. 18 months in to it he admitted to me that 7 years previous he had actually been diagnosed as bipolar and had been in counceling for years. I made it till about 2 years at which time life had become so difficult I had completely lost my own identity trying to follow and keep up with him and all the drastic changes on a regular daily basis I was absolutley exausted and didn't care about anything anymore, always waiting for "the next turn". It is an inherited triat passed along in the genes, it does "run" in a family. So, bad temper, absolutely charming at times, but never "keeps anybody to close" , no long time friendships, high energy, self righteous, loving, generous, unstable moment to moment, getting on a "kick" of any/many sorts, all things that were absolutely present in the person I delt with that was diagnosed as positively bipolar (manic-depressive) I actually think that is a better description of it as it is condusive of the extreme mood swings. What does any of this do for you if anything? Maybe nothing, just my experience with the disease. Many people that are bipolar are very highly driven individuals and extremely successful in business, but oh so difficult to cope with if untreated. Good luck.

Bi-polar tends to be extreme mood swings cycling high great moods to miserable low antisocial and/or abusive moods.
He could simply not know how to deal with many things. He could be miserable with himself and taking it out on others.
Drugs can also make a person act like this, is it possible he was hiding a drug problem?
I agree with Jesushelper many guys will drop you at a drop of a hat with no explanation because they do not know how to face up to things.
It could be a combination of many things with him but nothing can help him except for his desire to realize what makes him do the things he does.

I always hear people saying they need closure but often the best closure is looking forward and leaving the past in the past.

I am almost like you described but I am not bipolar I'm just a little bit severe to the others but not with my girlfriends.I have very strict rules witch guide my life.I keep friends only if they worth it.I'm ussualy could as ice but now I'm scared like a child because my girlfriend left me in the dark after a hole year of telling me how much she loved me.Your boyfriend is just different and he has problems of his own,too much pressure breaks a guy.

Judging from your post I think you're bi-polar. I should know... it runs in the family.

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Originally Posted by EIFS EXPERT

Judging from your post I think you're bi-polar. I should know...it runs in the family.

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Don't you speak english who's family?Yours?

My family.

Smart arse.

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Originally Posted by douapuncte

Don't you speak english whos family?Yours?

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I agree with JesusHelper's disagreement. Your post was not needed. We are here to give people advice. We are NOT here to criticize people. And FYI, you shouldn't be pointing people out for their english when obviously you aren't so great at it yourself. Your sentence was worded and punctuated in such a poor manner that I had to read it a few times before understanding it. The correct way to write your sentence is, "Do you not speak english? Whose family does bi-polar disorder run in? Do you mean yours?" Also, I read the post you were referring to and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Anyway, if you are not going to give people the advice and respect they deserve, then this is not the right place for you to be. (Notice that all your advice has received NEGATIVE feedback.)

Now to answer the post, I think he may have Bipolar disorder-type 1 (mania). I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 (depressive). I have a lot of the traits you described, but the difference is that I don't want to do anything. My step-dad is, also, bi-polar. He is type 1 and always has to keep busy. The best way to find out for sure whether he is or not is to talk to a psychiatrist. If he is Bi-polar, then he will need to be helped. Bi-polar people can go without meds for a certain amount of time, but it is very dangerous and should be avoided. I hope this helps. Good luck and Best Wishes! Keep us posted.