Please help me out here:

(Sorry for the long post)

My wife and I are in our early thirties with a young kid. Our sex life has never been adventurous or fiery just bog standard and pretty infrequent. However, I’m really open minded but we’ve never discussed sex openly with each other for some reason.

Nowadays though we simply don’t have sex any more. I’ve managed to convince myself that my wife just isn’t interested in it and trying to approach her about the subject is virtually impossible (in my mind anyway).

Is it really likely that my wife just isn’t interested in having sex? I’m happy not to have regular sex with her but I would like to show her how much I love her by going down on her regularly (I’d do it every night if she wanted) but I’m too scared of being rejected. Is it something that most or all women enjoy and would like their partners to do often or do you think women prefer to masturbate themselves in private, like I suspect my wife must be doing.

I’ve managed to create this mental block that’s preventing me from plucking the courage to just go down on her one night and make sure she’s satisfied.

I really want to put her needs before mine from now on. I fear that I’ve been too selfish in the bedroom up until this point and that’s why our sex life has gone sour.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks for your answer Brown Eyes.

I guess there's no other way of tackling this other than to just talk about it.

You said... "maybe she doesnt enjoy oral". That's what I'm worried about (even though I have no idea if she does or doesn't) but it could make things difficult if she doesn't because oral to me seems like the ultimate way to pleasure a lady and show her how much you care.

Without being able to pleasure her orally I'm kind of stuck for options to satisfy her and risk never having a decent open sexual relationship.

So... if (and I'm still talking worst case) she doesn't want me to go down on her it's most likely to be because she's a little embarrassed about "exposing herself" so intimately as oppose to just being turned off by me being down there do you think?

Actually... until I got someone who was willing to TALK to me about sex--I hated receiving oral. A lot. It was uncomfortable, too much pressure here, not enough there, timing off--and I was too embarrassed to speak up, since we just didn't talk about sex.

Sounds kind of stupid, huh?

But--it IS very exposing (to me, at least). I feel very vulnerable every time my hubby goes down, until I get lost in how good it feels.

Really, though, the best advice I could give you is to TALK to you wife--maybe she has ideas on what she'd like!

Hm, your married sex life is off in a ditch. The problem is between each of your ears(your mind), not anywhere else.

I would suggest that you get to the heart of the matter. Ask her if she would go to couples counseling with you. A therapist can help you to know what the real problems are and how to best approach a solution. It is quite likely your wife is holding resentments against you for her to give up sex; you will need help bringing these dark thoughts to the light.


Good Luck in 2008,

I agree with what Choux said. It's impossible to know if your wife will enjoy oral unless you ask her. It's a personal preference and to say that all women enjoy it is a generalization. Even if you don't have sex anymore, do you still have at least some form of physical intimacy like kissing? If not, start slowly by hugging her more and see how she reacts.

Thanks for your feedback, we're still intimate and caring and obviously in love with each other, it's just that as far as sex goes... well it doesn't go anywhere!

You're right the problem is totally in my own mind and I've let it become an issue without doing anything about it. I'm not great at communicating but I will talk to her, I understand it's the only way to make things better. Thanks for your help.

My wife before we got married didn't want me to go down on her... took over a year before she relented and let me... when I gave her the first orgasm she ever had, and she has strong ones, she will literally wake me up straddling my face these days... proof positive in don't knock it till you've tried it. She frequently says she was sorry for ever fighting against it.

I told her on the day we got married... that anytime she feels the need just ask... anytime of the day or night. And trust me its usually her waking me up at 3 am with a BJ or asking for oral. This from the woman that at wanted nothing to do with either at one time.

I suggest you just do it without asking her. You know, once you too are in the heat of the moment. Don't ask just go for it. She'll be glad you did. And so will you.

Note: Try to be more creative than the alphabet game.

I suggest you just do it. Be aggressive, and commanding, but yet respectful in every aspect. Here's a tip, take a cough drop and put in your mouth. Let it stay in your mouth for a while, if you go down on her with that cough drop in your mouth, the vapors from the cough drop will definitely get her attention. Im talking MAJOR Orgasm...

A few problems...

First, women are more complicated than men sexually. With men, you pretty much know where the main errogenous zone is... blindfolded with oven mitts on. Pull, push, repeat.

Women's bodies aren't that simple. I've been with a woman that could get off in tight jeans or with a strong tongue thrashing at the cl!t... and I've been with a woman who needed the softest frickin butterfly kisses orally. Thrash her and shed smack you upside the head. Not to mention half of the sexual positions don't hit her cl!t with any decent pressure...

So...

Is it normal for her to be uninterested? Well, it is if you've given her no reason to be interested.

That's not a slam against you... it just might be the reality. And you've mentioned you've been a selffish lover. OK.

So... start again.

The suggestion about going down on her in the middle of the night is good... of course you can change this depending on if she's a "morning" or "night" girl when it comes to sex...

Chances are you go too fast, aren't willing to spend time on her... buddy, it'll pay off.

Get a woman hot orally or with foreplay and shell be better lubricated for you pleasure later. If all sex has been in for her to be a receptacle... well, no wonder she's bored with it.

Also, communicate. I'm guessing if you honestly get her to think you are wanting to satisfy her, shell tell you what she needs. Al it takes is one or two "wins" to turn things around.

Here's a thought. Go to barnes and noble and buy "she comes first"... its mostly about how to get a woman off orally... my wife and I stumbled upon it and she thought immediately there were some good points... this is even though I was getting her off orally pretty well. Read it, then give it to her to read.

Point is... it does a few things for your situation. It probably teaches you both some things about the female anatomy you didn't know (wasnt in my college anatomy course for sure) and it shows that you are interested in her.

And buddy, good sex is quid pro quo. You give her something to look forward to, and shell likely take care of you back.

Sex with a kid isn't easy. Sex without talking about your needs is driving blindfolded.

And don't be afraid to take the lead. I was way too laid back for one girl... and what did it get me? Nothing. She liked aggressive men and I was trying to be all understanding. Oops. Couldve been laid, instead I got laid off from the relationship.

Likewise, I have a great sex life with my wife, but she desires to be chased. She likes to be pressed for sex. Yeah, it sucks if she's not interested at that time, but man... you don't have to bat 1.000 to get into the baseball hall of fame.

So take some initiative. Talk to her. Listen to her. Chase her. Chances are, shell do you right in return.

Just remembered from a previous post you had read she comes first.

OK.. if she's not comfortable with oral you need to get her more comfortable with sex and sensuality.

If waking her up with oral in the middle of the night doesn't do it, what about a long, warm massage after a warm shower? One where you take a lot of time on her? Focus on her?

My partner needs to be relaxed if she's going to get off... not saying she isn't willing to take risks sexually. But if I'm going to get her off, she needs to be in it mentally, and I know what she needs to get there. I know because I've talked to her.

So... think less about sex right now. Think more about sensuality. You need to get into her head before you get into her pants. At least if you want her to be interested.

And look... so you've been, by your own words, a selfish lover. OK. Our memories can be short. All it takes is some wins by you.

So you need to find out what she needs and wants. Open up the dialogue and then make sure she knows what you need and want.

But connecting sensually is a good first step before you connect to her sexually. Sex is experienced in our minds, even though out bodies do the deed. If your head isn't in it, it isn't really happening.

So... be a lot more patient than you want to be, take some time to focus on her, and be willing to fail and be denied.

Again... if you make it worth her time, shell likely be willing to make the time to make time.

Good point about getting into her head before getting into her pants.

How about trying sensual things (backrubs, footrubs, brush her hair) with absolutely NO plans on getting into her pants? As a matter of fact--turn her down if she offers you sex, but offer to please HER, if she wants, in any way she directs you!

If you do this a few times--and SERIOUSLY expect NOTHING for yourself out of it--that may make a HUGE difference too!