I lost my mum when I was 10, it was a very sudden illness, and in my family we absolutely acted as if nothing had happened a few days afterwards. We stopped mentioning her, we never talked about it with family. It hurt too much... No one ever approached me and my brother to see if we were OK. They were really there for us providing us with everything we needed, but they never ever mentioned that subject.

I was actually in denial up until a friend of mine started talking to me about it when I was 16. That's when I actually realized that she was gone. And it was even worse when I came to collage and had some time alone with my thoughts. It was very hard and it is still growing up in a family where this has never been discussed.

I still have trouble crying in general, or opening up. I kept things inside for too long. Im afraid I'm... messed up:confused: Should I go see someone or should I just not bother 11 years later?

Thank you!

You need to grieve. You need to talk about her. You need to talk about the good parts of her as well as the bad parts--and the silly parts and the smart parts and all the other parts of her. You need to celebrate her life.

You're around 21 now? I strongly suggest meeting with a grief therapist and/or join a grief support group.

When my father died in 1994, we four kids and our families put together a memory book about him. I typed everyone's stories and funny or sad or silly memories. My sister went to a copy place to have enough copies made so each of us and our mother could have one. Oh, and we put a plastic spiral binding on themt, one granddaughter made the cover, and a grandson drew a picture for the back cover. It's a nifty looking thing and is fun to read.

We always made a point to talk about him. We'd say stuff like, "Father would have loved that golf joke on page 36 in the new Reader's Digest" or "If only Father were here. He would have really enjoyed that pork roast."

We planted a tree in his memory. We all donated inscribed bricks in a walkway at the church where he had been a pastor. We all tried harder to be nicer and more helpful like he always was.

Yes, it was tough. We all missed him terribly, but thinking about him, talking about him, and doing things in his memory all helped us get through the worst of the pain and loss.

You need to do things like this in memory of your mom. Start writing things down, your memories of her. Like I said earlier, celebrate her life. You started already just by posting this question here so now anyone who reads about her is thinking of you and her and relating it to their own lives.

Yes but how can I do this on my own, when everyone else in my family won't mention a word on her? Her own sister just starts crying like a baby when she hears her name. I look at my brother and my father, and I realize that there's a huge gap because we never ever talked about the most important thing that ever happened to us. I don't think I can change all that alone.

fisk,

You are grieving and it is a long, slow process which has been made longer because you were unable to share your thought with others. Talking it out with a grief councillor will help a lot. The sooner the better. It's never too late to talk to a councillor about grief. If you find one that doesn't seem to be very sympathetic then look for another one.

Wondergirl's suggestion is a very good one. My daughter and I did something similar when her baby died. I never had many toys as a child, I never had a doll or a teddy bear, at least not one that didn't end up being broken by one of my siblings. I bought a teddy bear in my granddaughter's name. Now I have around twenty teddy bears, other people buy them for me in her name. My daughter collects beautiful angel ornaments and displays then on what we call Jessica's Shelf. Since my mum died in 96 I used to buy some roses on her birthday and place them in the centre of the dinning room table in memory of her. Now I buy them whenever I think of it and place them on the table saying "There you go mum, just for you." My grandparents (on my mum's side) were my saving grace while I was growing up, they were very generous to me with their time and their money. I often drop a few coins into a charity box in their name. These are symbolic acts and they can be very healing. I suggest you do something like that to help your own healing process.

You are not messed up. This is normal for what you have been through. Due to being so young when this happened, you probably have questioned yourself " If I would have done this or that would it have made a difference" What you have done is build a wall up to hold out the feelings or even more so blocking others to let feelings in. It would not hurt to go talk to someone, not due to being messed up but to tear down that wall. No matter what sex, size, color, etc a person is Crying is a natural emotion it is a part of sadness and healing. It is the beginning of dealing with something that has hurt you greatly. Than comes blame, and anger etc. With out being able to express yourself and being able to rid yourself of the sadness you will hold it deep with in yourself all your life, and will effect others around you, unless you talk to someone and have them help you break down that wall to let your feelings out. Just because you seek help doesn't mean you are messed up it means you need answers to a problem you can not solve yourself.