Ask Me Help Desk - He is triing to get my daughter, What do I do?

I am 17 and have a 2 year old daughter. Her biological father wasn't there for her at all so I left him when my daughter was 4 months and I was 15. Now I am dating my fiancée and have been for a while, he is very close to him. Although I don't allow her to call him daddy, she does call him poppy and in her mind he is her father. The Bio dad is an alcoholic, and might be an addict of cocaine. He is going to take me to court for custody, but I am afraid that the environment that he lives in might effect my daughters safety. And I am also afraid that her seeing him might emotionally hurt her because my fiancée is her dad. I would like to get his rights taken away and let my daughter have the choice later in life if she wants to see him and if she does then I will allow it. He hasn't been there for her since she was about a year old. What can I do?

If he does try to get custody tell the Judge all of your concerns. Tell him you feel it will be disruptive and confusing to her since he hasn't bothered with her in over three years and she was too young to know him. If you have a way of knowing what he is doing write it all down. Like if you know he drinks a half a case everyday or he has drug addicts or dealers friends visiting him.
If you can't prove any of that then tell the Judge you feel he should be drug tested and have supervised visits if he is going to grant him visitations at all.
How was he with her the first 4 months? If he ignored her you could bring that up.

FIrst of all, he won't be able to get custody unless there has been a change in circumstance. I'm assuming you are providing her with all that she needs. You have a stable home life, etc. right?

Next, you won't be able to take away her bio-fathers rights unless he willing gives them up.

And last, you can't keep the bio-father from seeing his daughter. You need to go to court and get some court ordered visitation. IF you can show that he COULD put your daughter's safety at risk, you could try for supervised vistation for awhile so your ex can be observed with your daughter.

If your ex really is a bad guy, then that's why you would have supervised visits. MY fiance' had to do it and it proved to the court that he was in fact, very good with his daughter despite what the ex thought. Then after that, visitation was started slowly. For the first couple weekends, he only had her during the day. Then it went to one overnight. THen it went to 2 overnights for the whole weekend. We had a homestudy and everything. Prefessionals looked at our house and we had to answer 100's of questions about how we lived. YOu can ask for the same thing. But it DOES cost quite a bit of money.

Your daughter will find out about her bio-father someday no matter what. Do you want her to resent you for not letting her get to know her dad? I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything. I'm trying to tell you what happened with my fiance's daughter in this same situation. His daughter is in counseling twice a week to deal with all of this. Your situation may not be the same but you owe it to your daughter to give her a chance to have a relationship with her bio-dad.

If he takes you to court, there really isn't anything you will be able to do to keep him from her. And when you go to court, if you sit there and tell them you just don't want him to be around your daughter, they will not look kindly on you. All they care about is what is in the best interest of the child. And keeping a child from their father is NOT in their best interest most of the time. YOu need to show that you are taking personal feelings about your ex out of this. This is all about HER.

First, we need to get some more facts here.

Is the bio father on the birth certificate?
Were you awarded custody by a court when your daughter was born or any time afterward?
You say he is going to take you to court over custody. How did you find out about this? Did anything change recently?
Was there ever court ordered child support? Did you ever receive public assistance?
Is your fiancée willing to adopt?

To really be able to give you accurate advise we need to know the answers to all those questions.

If the bio father does petition for custody, I think it unlikely he will get more than joint custody unless he can prove you unfit. I think, if you can prove his alcoholism and drug activity, then its unlikely he will get more than supervised visitation.

First, please do not use PMs for followups. Just reply to the thread. I've copied your PM to me here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostandcunfused01

Yes he is on the B/C and me and him never went to court it was just recently that he turned 18 and he is waiting to take me to court when i turn 18 in october. I found this out because one of his friends told me about his plan. Nothing changed and the reason i don't want him to be in my daughters life is because he used to get her on the weekends but when he had her he would just drop her off at his moms or friends house and never spent time with her. I know that because his friend and mother had told me. he used to abuse me infact i have a scar from it. He realy isnt fit to be a parent. I don't have hard feelings over him infact i wish him well. But i believe that what is best for my daughter is to stay away from him until she is of age that she can understand what happened and if she wants to see him then, then I will find the bio dad and let them meet. Am I wrong? Or what do you think will happen?

Do the paternal grandparents want to see their granchild? Maybe that's what's spurring things. I don't understand why he wants to wait until you are 18. In fact it makes more sense to go after you now while you are still a minor.

Frankly, I'm not sure that what he is doing is just idle talk or just posturing for his friends. But, as I see it,you have two choices. You could wait until he actually files for custody. You could use the time to try and build up and document a case for his unfitness as a parent. The other choice is to beat him to the punch. File in court for Full custody, file for child support and ask for nothing more than supervised visitation, preferably no visitation.

Either way, I think you stand a good chance. Waiting for him to make the first move will be cheaper, plus it gives you time to marry your fiancée which will work to your advantage.

He has the right to contest you for custody. Whether he gets it is a different issue. Gather as much evidence as you can to substantiate your claims about his unhealthy living environment. Generally, getting him to surrender his rights is only permissible if there is someone waiting to adopt the child. Your fiancé may want to consider adopting her. However it probably wouldn't be permitted until you've actually been married for a time. Then the bio dad has to give his consent. If he does then he no longer has to be responsible for child support and that can be a bargaining chip for you to use if it comes to that. But until then he's still the father and has the same rights and responsibilities as any other father.

Your daughter is adorable! Good luck with all of this by the way. I hope, for your daughters sake, that he can step up and be a dad for his little girl.

Another factor in this is the bio father's age. If he is much older than you, the fact that he got a 15 yr old girl pregnant is also not going to work in his favor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Another factor in this is the bio father's age. If he is much older than you, the fact that he got a 15 yr old girl pregnant is also not going to work in his favor.

She said he just turned 18 and waiting for her to turn 18. She is 17 and their daughter is 2 so
That would mean that he was around 16.

Like I said document that he hasn't bothered with her in all this time and things that concern you.