Hello

I am having trouble with an ex girlfriend. When I was 17 I went out with this girl for about 18months and it was our first love, it ended when she went to university and I was getting jealous about her being out all the time, and I suppose I was a bit obsessed. It took me quite a while to get over her, but I've never had a serious girlfriend since. She has a new boyfriend and has been going out with him for years and lives with him, she says that is because she lost her mum and did not want to live with her step dad or dad. Whenever I have ever seen my ex out we always used to flirt and chat, but about 6 months ago we ended up kissing and swapping numbers, things eventually went further and ended up sleeping together occasionally and speak on the phone daily, I really want to be with her and she says she loves me, and is going to leave him once she finishes university this summer and gets a job. The situation didn’t really bother me too much, I think she will leave him whether its for me or not, however over xmas I seen her out with him and things really got to me and we ended up arguing, then she went away with him at new year, but was saying she wished it was with me. My head is all over the place though thinking what is she up to while she's there, I feel really down and I know things will not work out if I can’t stop feeling depressed. I don’t know what to do, don’t know whether I'm being a fool for doing what I'm doing and believing she will leave him for me soon?

Hi,
I think this was posted in another category, where some have answered it.

Fred

Yes I posted it in the 'relationship' forum to, in hope of other peoples views to. Thanks anyway.

Certainly in any relationship you want to be #1 with that other person. Right now it doesn't seem that you are. You need to let her know, whether by direct words or actions, that you expect to be her #1 and will settle for nothinbg less. If she balks at that, then it's so long sweetheart and you find yourself a girl who will make you her #1. Of course, have fun in the meantime with whomever you like and whenever you like ; just don't encroach on someone else's territory. By that, I mean that if a potential female interest is in the company of someone else, back off whenever he's present. Other than that, have a blast and don't let the pursuit of success in romance be the central focus of your life.

Hi s cianci

Yes your right, I'm letting this situation rule my life, the thing also is I don't think this girl fully realises how much its affecting me, I don't think she would intentionally hurt me, she isn't always the most affectionate person anyway, and I don't think this situation is bothering her as much as it is me, whether that's because she is playing me or just she doesn't easily get bothered? I think most people would be upset in this situation but I think I maybe letting it get to me way too much. Well hopefully things will work out OK.

Thanks for your reply

You need to pull away from this gal - let her know where you stand. Don't put up with anythng less.

She is using you - and I am sure her current guy wouldn't appreciate HER CHEATING ON HIM.

One BIG problem here - she is CHEATING ON HIM WITH YOU.

Once a cheater - always cheater. Something to think about. This gal isn't so great.

You need to learn to build barriers with woman.

I am sure she is fun gal - but not a serious relationship gal.

My suggestion is give this girl some space. If she is really interested in you and you leave her alone she will come around. I'm not talking playing games here. You obviously are seriously into this woman and the reason you are so depressed is that deep down you are hurt and insulted that she is not with you even when she tells you she wishes she was. I know its difficult but play a little hard to get. Trust me. She will seek you out if you avoid her a bit. You have a problem as someone earlier stated though. Your intended unfortunately is a player. Some people find a thrill in dating multiple people. It's power to control peoples' feelings. And some girls love this game. She is also young and may grow out of this behavior down the line but don't count on it. If she knows she can be with more than just you and you keep coming back it will continue. Avoid her. She will become intrigued and come see you to find out what is going on. Don't give in at that point. Keep her at arms length and she will be all over you. If you throw everything on the table at once nothing will change and she will continue to see saw on you with the other guy. Play it cool like it doesn't bother you and even suggest that you may start seeing other people while she finishes school.

Jebbard

I agree a lot with what jebbard has said.

Your interest level from a guys stand point should NEVER be greater than hers... if it is... back off immediately... do other things. Keep your head clear!! Workout, hang with friends, DON'T CALL!! work harder at work/school.

Woman, espcially when you are NOT in a serious relationship tend to NOT enjoy men who have TOO much interest in them.

As I always say - woman want mystery, challenge, confidence, a guy who is independent.

You sound a little TOO needy of this woman... women are repulsed by that.

Thanks for those comments, although I know deep down that women hate a man to be insecure and too keen, at the moment it needs someone to give me a kick up the arse, start playing it cool and realise what really is going on, Im actually a fun kind of person and hate being serious in relationships but this situation has got me down lately, got to snap out of it. Thanks.

Go to the gym, hang out with your friends, travel - go somewhere - it helps a ton. Remember what's important in life - family, work, health.

When you put too much importance into one woman - this happens.

DATE other woman. And if she finds out you see other woman, then she might come back, although gal seems like a lot of trouble, is very selfish, cheats, plays games with you.

I think you should move on and forget her. You never want to be second choice, and if she truly wanted you she would have moved in with you by now. The right girl will come along when you least expect it.