Ask Me Help Desk - Break to reconciliation.can lessons be learnt?

I am 3 months split up from my ex.She ended the relationship.I initially tried to get back with her,told her I loved her,then walked away and have done total NC since.3 days ago I got a text from her out of the blue,saying she regretted the decision to end things,had thought a lot about her attitude and wants to start again with me.She did have a lot of insecurity issues which built up over our 31/2 years,which led to the split between us.

My question is,could the time we both had for reflection,help us to learn from our mistakes and build a better relationship than we had? We did have a great relationship but at times rowed over trivial,stupid things.I do love her and I do want us to be together,but some people seem to think if a couple split up,they are doomed forever more.I don't believe this,as I believe we all learn things from our mistakes and I don't see learning from a breakup any different.

I would appreciate any opinions/views

Quote:

Originally Posted by bustertypsy

I am 3 months split up from my ex.She ended the relationship.I initially tried to get back with her,told her I loved her,then walked away and have done total NC since.3 days ago I got a text from her out of the blue,saying she regretted the decision to end things,had thought a lot about her attitude and wants to start again with me.She did have a lot of insecurity issues which built up over our 31/2 years,which led to the split between us.

My question is,could the time we both had for reflection,help us to learn from our mistakes and build a better relationship than we had? We did have a great relationship but at times rowed over trivial,stupid things.I do love her and I do want us to be together,but some people seem to think if a couple split up,they are doomed forever more.I don't believe this,as I believe we all learn things from our mistakes and I don't see learning from a breakup any different.

I would appreciate any opinions/views

Wow, this explains what I went through to a "T"... she all of a sudden got insecure about everything which in turn led to her questioning herself and the relationship... then ultimatley her love for me.

So, I ended it. Which totally sucked cause what we had was perfect beyond any measure.

Did she say what made her contact you? Also, how many times did you try and contact her in the beginning stages of the break up?

I would say this... (cause this is what I will do if my girl comes around and I haven't found anyone else and still interested in her... which this NC is really detaching me) I would sit down talk to her, ask her what her motives are for getting back with you. I wouldn't dive into a relationship right off, but walk in REALLY slowly. Don't always be available to her, let her know subconciously that you have moved on and it is HER that has to WIN you back (don't be insane about it, but just give a little of yourself at the right time). I would really feel her out too, make sure you FEEL the love from her before you take her back. Ask her what steps you two need to take to prevent this from happening again. When and if you get back with her make sure the lines of communication are there, make it clear that you want open communication about anything and everything.

Please keep us updated cause I am really interested in how this will turn out for you- whereas I am in the same position.

To be honest I haven't replied to her text.I have had a lot of time to think,reflect,heal and I don't know if I will reply to her.It's so funny,but I had always been hoping for the day when she would call me and tell me she made a mistake.Now that day has come I am not so sure it's what I want.She hurt me a lot,discarded me and my 31/2 years of investment in her.Just because she decided she made a mistake doesn't give her an automatic right to get me back.

You asked how many times I tried to contact her when she finished with me? I tried to contact her by phone and text at least once a day over the following week.She replied to only one text saying "no calls,no text,no letters,you and me are finished".So after a week I went to her workplace and waited for her to finish.She was shocked to see me.I asked her for 5 minutes.She got into my car,I apologised asked forgiveness etc etc.She said she loved me but couldn't forgive me for what I did.

Briefly,she was out in my place,15 miles from her home,we had a row,I said"you can stay in Peters tonight if you are going to go on like this.Peter is my pal,lives 50 yards from me and was with us that night.She went ballistic,threw her watch and bracelet at me,stormed out and got a taxi home.This was ironic,as she had thrown me out of her house 5 times leaving me to sleep in my car as I would have had drinks.Basiclly she treated me like a dog,but when the tables were turned she was having none of it.By the way I am not trying to justify my actions.I should never have stooped to her level.

Anyway I am now having serious doubts about contacting her.I have done total NC since I spoke to her 3 months ago.I found NC so hard at first,now I am afraid to break it,don't know if she is worth it.I think I might stay in NC and see how far she is willing to go to make amends.I don't want her to get on her knees and beg,but if she thinks a text message will make everything right,she'll have to think again.

So right now I am happy to let her go.I don't want her back unless she has grown up and learnt from her mistakes,her insecurities.I have had time to think too,and I know I'm not perfect either,but I didn't end things,I loved her regardless.So I'll carry on in my healing that thankfully NC has helped me with.I will keep you posted.

One thing good is your not willing to just get back to the same grind as there is no evidence to show that things have changed. As long as your undecided, do nothing. I think any contact now would only bring more questions, than answers or solutions. NC is hard, but jumping back into a situation your unsure of is going to be harder. But, don't play games or string her along. You must be honest with yourself, and her.

Well, right now you have the power and I think being in the "driver's seat" makes it too easy... thus making you aloof on giving her what she wants. That is to bad (for her) that it turned out this way, but good for you cause that shows that you have moved on. I will say, expect her to beg you back since your not giving her what she wants. It may start to annoy you and push you further away.

Part of NC that I like is it lets you step back and look at the old flame in a different light... seeing things so differently sometimes will spark a reasononing to not want to be with them again.

Keep us posted still!

I don't think a relationship is "doomed" to never re-connect after a break up, but its difficult. After splitting up with someone, doing the NC thing, and trying to move on with your life, you tend to grow - spiritually, emotionally, etc. You are in a different place right now than you were when you and she split up... essentially, you've grown stronger/bolder/wiser, however you choose to describe it.

I agree with talaniman... be honest with yourself and her. You both miss each other, but realize that you're different people. If you decide to get back together, recognize that and don't fall into the same "rows" and insecurity issues you both fell into before.

Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK! :)

I just have a general question here so anyone that knows feel free to respond. Many times on this site I've seen the dumpers make contact at 3 months of N/C. What is that? Is 3 months some kind of magical time frame? My ex has made it almost 6 months without contacting me so I guess he really means it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brandino747

Well, right now you have the power and I think being in the "driver's seat" makes it too easy... thus making you aloof on giving her what she wants. That is to bad (for her) that it turned out this way, but good for you cause that shows that you have moved on. I will say, expect her to beg you back since your not giving her what she wants. It may start to annoy you and push you further away.

part of NC that I like is it lets you step back and look at the old flame in a different light... seeing things so differently sometimes will spark a reasononing to not want to be with them again.

keep us posted still!

I still have not made any contact with her.She hasn't contacted me since either.I'm not too surprised to be honest.She is stubborn as old nails.It doesn't overly bother me whether she contacts me again or not.All I know is if she isn't prepared to pick up the phone and call me then she can just leave me be.

I am moving on with my life right now.I have a date tomorrow night which I am looking forward to.I am not putting my life on hold,trying to gauge what she will do next.She is at a stage where she may lose me forever but doesn't know it.I honestly think she thinks I am at home moping over her.If she only knew.

Your situation sounds similar to mines which is a relief I haven't seen too many my ex contacted me after 4 months and I broke NC as I had already decided before hand that if she did try to contact me I would be cordial and keep the conversation short and sweet. I myself think what you are saying is right on. Sounds like you have moved on I too have been on a couple dates nothing major and I do think about my ex but I am starting to get a little annoyed now. She has started emailing me daily good morning things like that and she is acting like we never had a break which has aggravated me. 1 of the major issues I had with her is communication and she doesn't seem to have changed. So I will probably end up just going back to NC to keep me from getting caught up again. Good Luck!