Ask Me Help Desk - Emotional support for a neglected child

I am a single woman with two daughters, although my older is grown up and has her own life in a different country. We are in Europe.

My sister has a beautiful daughter but she has neglected her since she divorced her husband five years ago. The child was four at the time. They had joint custody, but soon enough both of them were too busy to look after the child. My sister abandoned her four times by going oversees. Her husband started to drink and neglected the child.

I took her in, because I couldn´t say no. I got her through pre-school and the first years of school, paid for all the extra lessons, fed her and took her to the doctor - in short, I treated her as if she was my own. My other daughter is twelve and was happy to have a younger sister.

Then it changed when my sister came back home and took her. That was a year ago. We had a long talk and she promised to better herself and keep me in the picture. Sadly, I soon found out my sister still neglects her. I did speak to the school and Social Services, even took it to the father, who has been on my side, and suggested adoption and joint custody. He said no, as he wants to keep my sister "good" so he can go abroad himself to study in Japan.

My niece is now nine years old. Her emotional pain is almost too much for me to bear. Now she is losing her father. She is clinging a lot to my sister, as she dreamt about her coming home for so long, but now she is siding with her and is pushing me away - and all of us in the family who criticize her mother, practically all of us.

I try to be there for her when I can, but sometimes she hurts me too much and is spiteful and downright hateful, but if she wants toys and clothes, she tries to manipulate me.

My daughter is so hurt because she has left us and won´t have anything to do with her.

I have decided to speak to the Child Division of Social Services again and evaluate what can be done. My sister is drinking again and the child is covering up for her. The school has reportedly sent statements about her neglect.

I have also an appointment with the school psychologist next week.

In the meantime, can anyone suggest how to handle her? She pushes me away, but it´s obvious she is in terrible pain. All advice would be most welcome.

Being a mother is tough, but this is worse than all the problems I had with my own daughters. I love her just as I love my own daughters and I I cannot turn my back on her.

Thanks,
Lily

That is difficult because she could either be resenting you for wanting to take her back off her mother OR she could be scared that IF you got her back then she might be taken back off you. Since she is pulling all the things she is pulling even if you did get her back she may not be the same kid as when she left and she could end up dragging your daughter into problems. When she tries to manipulate you tell her that she is with her mother now and she has to go to her mother for whatever she wants. If you help her out now you are only enabling her and making her think that is how to get her way all the time. It is also enabling your sister because if you are paying for things for her then your sister doesn't have to bother and she will be able to neglect her since she has the best of both worlds. As long as you are in the picture helping her why should she want to choose you OVER her mother?
At this point it may be better to just let her go.

Nohelp4u,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. This is a really frightening situation and I have thought about letting go of her. Before she came into the picture, I wanted to adopt a Russian girl, but put that on hold because she came to live with us. I am in my late forties now, so it will be tricky if I still want to adopt.

"When she tries to manipulate you tell her that she is with her mother now and she has to go to her mother for whatever she wants. If you help her out now you are only enabling her and making her think that is how to get her way all the time."

Good and valid points. The problem is however, that my sister is not doing anything with her life. She is estranged in many ways from the family and is drinking and abusing prescribed drugs. She is on welfare and has no money to even care for her daughter. There is no money for anything, I pay for everything. Otherwise she would be even more neglected.

The child comes to school hungry, without lunch, dirty, her hair not combed, her teeth not brushed. The school calls me and asks if I would please pay for her lunch. I do pay it. I´m not about to let my niece starve because her mother can only lie in bed and drink. When it´s my turn to pick her up from school, the first thing I do is to take her home for a bath and get some clean clothes for her. I keep food and emergencies in my car.

There is no one else who can take her. I know she is covering up for her mother and is afraid to lose us both.

Her father deciding to leave for Japan was the last straw. This is an abandoned child. Social Services will hopefully help me to come up with some plan.

I need some more feedback about how to handle her. I am lost here. Do I withdraw from her while she´s behaving this way or is there some other way to help her?

Thanks again,

Lily

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilywhite

I need some more feedback about how to handle her. I am lost here. Do I withdraw from her while she´s behaving this way or is there some other way to help her?

You said you had a lot on your plate, and I have to say you're a master of understatement. I can barely imagine how hard this must be. It seems almost presumptuous to give you any concrete advice based on what we can know of each other through this tiny peephole in cyberspace. But oh well, here goes anyway.

Honestly, I have nothing of substance to add to what you already know and are doing in what has to be a gut-wrenching situation. All I can do is agree with and encourage you to focus as exclusively as possible on your NIECE and what's best for her, and to devote as little attention as possible to your sister. If there's a victim here, it's your niece, so all you can do is try as best you can to keep her from being destroyed in the vortex of your sister's addiction. Of course, the fact that she is blaming you and pushing you away makes that SOOooo much harder. At the moment, I have no inspiration on how to deal with that. I'll bear it in mind.

Your sister is an addict that has yet to walk through her own personal "valley of the shadow of death" and decide whether to stay there or come back. At this point any attention you devote to her and any material support you give her just enables her to delay the inevitable. But you know this already, and being an only child myself, I can only imagine the power and complexity of sibling relationships.

To you, I would say thank you for truly loving and caring for your niece. It is almost certainly the only experience of being loved that she has had so far in her life, and it could turn out to be the only real love she'll ever know, so whatever happens, rest assured that your love of her is not in vain, whether she knows or acknowledges it or not. Keep your love for her as utterly unconditional as you can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilywhite

Nohelp4u,

The child comes to school hungry, without lunch, dirty, her hair not combed, her teeth not brushed. The school calls me and asks if I would please pay for her lunch. I do pay it. I´m not about to let my niece starve because her mother can only lie in bed and drink. When it´s my turn to pick her up from school, the first thing I do is to take her home for a bath and get some clean clothes for her. I keep food and emergencies in my car.

I need some more feedback about how to handle her. I am lost here. Do I withdraw from her while she´s behaving this way or is there some other way to help her?

Thanks again,

Lily

That is what I mean by her having both worlds. She sees that right now she can be with mom and come to you to rescue her out of the lifestyle she has with her mom. You have to do sort of like tough love to get her to realize that things with mom aren't what she is trying to make others believe. She needs to come to the realization that if she wants you to help her she has to come to you in an honest way not by manipulating you. Maybe next time she wants something from you tell her to come over and sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her. Talk to her about how you feel she has changed and ask why she feels that is the way she has to act and so forth.
If she refuses or acts rebellious or manipulative and will not cooperate then tell her that she made her choice and you don't want to be manipulated. I am not saying to just cut her off but make her face up to some things and get her to realize consequences and so forth. Also evaluate each thing in what you are doing in helping her, like is it really a need, are you enabling her or her mother, is this making you feel like a doormat,.
If you jump every time she says I need then she is going to grow up being ungrateful and have an everybody owes me attitude.

"To you, I would say thank you for truly loving and caring for your niece. It is almost certainly the only experience of being loved that she has had so far in her life, and it could turn out to be the only real love she'll ever know, so whatever happens, rest assured that your love of her is not in vain, whether she knows or acknowledges it or not. Keep your love for her as utterly unconditional as you can."

Thank you for the input, Ordinaryguy. I truly appreciate it. At the moment, it is difficult to see anything but chaos, but maybe something good will come out of all of this. I know I will love her no matter what, because we had true mother/daughter bond.

I had a long talk with my mother during dinner this evening and she told me my sister has a new boyfriend, who is an alcoholic. I try not to get to involved in her life, but I know she is not in a good company. The strange thing is that he has a close relationship with his mother and her boyfriend, who are both living on Social Security and are hard core drinkers and drinking buddies of my sister and her boyfriend.

These people have been influencing my niece and painting black pictures of us, saying we´re over-protective of her, work too much (wish they would work - if only moderately) and have too much money, so we spoil her.

Might my niece feel at a disadvantage when she is with my family and her cousins, and feels comfortable with these people? I have a feeling that is so. Her anger at us is probably in parts influenced from them, as she keeps quoting them.

The school authorities told me before Christmas that my niece is a co-dependent. She covers up for her mom and everything is a big secret, except she makes up stories telling the school that her mother lives in a beautiful place and has a wonderful garden. Sadly, it´s not so. She lives in a dump. Most of the time she is drunk on the sofa. The head-master talked to my sister before Christmas and said she had been repeatedly reported to the authorities and would probably lose her custody if she doesn´t stop drinking. She had a screaming match with my mother, thinking she told on her. My mom didn´t want to spoil our Christmas by telling us.

"Also evaluate each thing in what you are doing in helping her, like is it really a need, are you enabling her or her mother, is this making you feel like a doormat,.....?
If you jump everytime she says I need then she is going to grow up being ungrateful and have an everybody owes me attitude."

NoHelp4U, that´s what I will be stopping. We have been all walking on egg-shells around my sister in order not to disturb the child even more, but now this has gone too far. Yes, of course I feel like a doormat when she takes everything out on me because she is covering up for my sister and afraid to lose us both. I sometimes wonder why my sister bothered to have her.

The picture is getting clearer, thanks to you both, and I also talked with my therapist earlier today. She advised to withdraw a bit but act lovingly but firmly, except when she is rude. No extra money, no allowances this week, because of her behavior on New Years Eve. She has to learn that her actions have consequences.

Next week I will meet with the school authorities and the Family programme organized by The Child Division of Social Services.

She is supposed to come with us to India on a three week tour where we will for instance spend a week in a houseboat in Kashmir this summer. I need to book it now, as prizes go up with time. Will I include her or not? She has certainly not earned it. Last summer I took her to Morocco where I rented a house and she went on all these wonderful excursions. I don´t know what to do about this. Any thoughts?

Thanks again,

Lily

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilywhite

She is supposed to come with us to India on a three week tour where we will for instance spend a week in a houseboat in Kashmir this summer. I need to book it now, as prizes go up with time. Will I include her or not? She has certainly not earned it. Last summer I took her to Morocco where I rented a house and she went on all these wonderful excursions. I don´t know what to do about this. Any thoughts?

When you say she is "supposed to come", does that mean you have already invited her to come or promised her that she could? Did she agree to do or not do something specific to "earn it"? I don't think it would be a good idea to try to change or renegotiate any terms and conditions you mutually agreed on earlier, especially if she has held up her end of the bargain. If, on the other hand, the invitation has just been kind of assumed or expected based on past practice, it may be a good opportunity to sit her down and put her on the spot about whether she really wants to go or not, and if she does, what you expect from her in terms of attitude and behavior, both on the trip, and between now and then.

Quote:

My daughter is so hurt because she has left us and won´t have anything to do with her.

If your daughter is as hurt and angry as you suggest, how will she feel about having your niece along? Maybe part of the process of deciding whether she goes or not should involve your daughter and whoever else is going.

Thanks, Ordinaryguy.

I have included her in all our family trips and this is no exception. We have planned it for a long time. I talked with her briefly and she says now she prefers to be with her mother and her entourage. That is probably the boyfriend, his mother and her boyfriend, all hard core drinkers. She prefers to be with them when they go in a trailor somewhere. I find this situation almost unbearable.

Yes, we are all upset and terribly sad, my daughter, my brothers, nieces and nephews, and my mother who is getting old and frail.

I don´t know what to say today. I got hold of a friend of mine who is a child psychologist. I have a meeting with her tomorrow. Until then I will put the thoughts of the child in the care of my Higher Power. I already asked a group of nuns to pray for her. They give a really strong and positive energy with their prayers; although I´m not a churchgoer I believe strongly in the power of the prayer.

Thanks again, you really do help.

Lily

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilywhite

I talked with her briefly and she says now she prefers to be with her mother and her entourage.

This is probably just as well. I know how hard it must be to see her make these choices, but it's probably best to let her follow this path to it's inevitable conclusion. Just make sure she knows you will be there for her when the sh!t hits the fan, which probably won't take too long, really. But when it does happen, don't let her manipulate you any more. Let her know that the limits and restrictions you place on her are because you love her and want her to be healthy, not to punish or control her.