I've had issues with my parents all my life. My dad is a drunk (24/7 drunk) and a drug abuser, mostly weed. Mom is an alcoholic too, but not as bad. She was pretty bad when I was young, but now is a few glasses of wine at night type. I have 2 brothers, one is a major drunk just like my dad, the other is the total opposite, he's in a good college and is doing very well. I'm the only girl, I'm the oldest.

OK, so on with the issues... first issue, I was sexually abused (mildly and only a few times) by a helper of my dad's at the age of about 7. My parents knew about this and did nothing. In fact, they made fun of me, they said "oh, is "Mr x" your new boyfriend". He worked with my dad until we moved away. That hurt big time.

I was never a real bad kid, the most trouble I got in was skipping class in HS and smoking. No drugs, no boys, no sneaking out, no drinking, no trouble with the law. Big deal, when you look at what other kids do really. So because of this, I got berated every day. My dad would say horrible things to me, and my mom did nothing. In fact, she silently agreed with him. She would also do something despicable. She would love to have something on me, like a call from the school saying I skipped, and bring it up at dinner in front of the whole family, when my dad would be out of his mind drunk. He would scream and belittle me in front of everyone, and mom would sit there enjoying it like it was her fave TV show. One time, after I had been caught smoking, a pack of my mom's cigs came up missing. My father was sure I took them, and called me every name in the book. I swore I didn't do it. He made me write a letter of apology to my mom. Right when he was done yelling and all, my little bro (3 at the time) came in the room and went into his toy box and brought out the missing cigs. He said he had taken them so that I couldn't find them. My father refused to take back anything he said, and insisted I put a 3 yr old up to that. How is that even possible? So I was still guilty in his mind, even though he had been proved wrong. In all my years, I have never stolen from my parents, not once. I have told small lies, but not about anything important. If I did something, I would always take responsibility. They don't have/didn't have any reason ever to distrust me as they do. I hate that they treat me like a criminal when I've NEVER done anything to deserve that.

I was not allowed to get my license at 16. I could not be trusted, I really don't understand that. My brothers got their licenses the day they turned 16 (yet my one bro got into the same trouble I got in at that age, smoking and stuff, oh yeah... he was allowed to smoke! ). I was encouraged to drop out of school at 16 because they were tired of me skipping class and getting bad grades (?? ). I ended up getting my GED and later going to college. I was berated for taking out college loans (?? ). What was I supposed to do? They were not helping me in any way at all. Yet, they are doing everything to put my bro through college, taking loans for him, making sure he has a car, money, and everything.

OK, on to cars. My bro is a drunk as I said. My parents know this, I'm sure. He comes over and gets out of his vehicle with an open beer. He is never without a beer. He has got a few DWI's. So what does my mom do? She co-signs for a $20k truck for him and lets him be on her insurance policy (he's 26). I was in a bad spot once and asked to borrow her second car, a real hooptie that was given to her for free, and she said no. I don't drive drunk, I don't have a bad driving record, nothing. I needed a favor, so I could get to work. Not like I was going out to party.

I used to live nearby them, but moved far away 4 yrs ago. I used to call once a week to talk and see how everyone was and all. Never once in this 4 yrs have my parents called me. I decided last Dec (2006) that I was not calling anymore, I was going to wait for them to call me. So far I am still waiting. I have had a new baby with my husband and they don't even know about her.

There's so much more I could add, but maybe this gives you a good enough idea of things. What do I do?? Why are my parents like this? I truly don't understand why. How do I move on, it seems impossible. I really want to know why I am treated like I am, but I guess I'll never know. I also wonder, what are they thinking now? Do they miss me? Do they even notice? Any thoughts?

First let me say how sorry I am. The situation sounds like it's awful.

Both of your parents are alcoholics. Whether you like it or not, that makes them insane. Their overt preference to your drinking brother is a good indicator of who they feel close to. The unfair treatment of you makes no sense at all. Insane people do not make sense.

It's a good thing you have put some distance between you. Calling them at this point to tell them about their granddaughter would be nice of you. It would probably cause you more pain than not calling at all though.

The problem is expectation. Your expectation that they will treat you as a daughter, part of the family. I would leave them alone, even though it hurts you. Get some counselling. You have some big issues to put behind you, some horrible inequities to forgive. Take care of that now. If you don't, in spite of your best intentions, your own kids, in some way, will feel what you felt. You can not be raised by alcoholic parents and totally know how to have a healthy family. What's that saying? "Living well is the best revenge."

I can only tell you that I admire you strong will and your sense of survival. Waking away from your mother, father and brother is sad, but it is the best thing you could have done for the sake of your child. I speak as a mother. I am sure you don't want the same to happen to your child. I learned a long time ago that you can't feel bad for people that don't feel bad for you. Therefore, continue with your life and protect your child from those crazy people. Be glad that you are out of there and in regards to your question as to why they don't love you. Some people don't know how to love! The reason they are that way with you is because they recent the fact that you have certain qualities in you that they wish they had. Let me put it to you this way. When they talked angrily to you and criticized you. They attacked or cricized not your legitimate weakness or misdeed, but instead they attacked your greatest strength, or gift, to hide that very wrong or flaw in themselves. I hope this make sense to you. Focus in your new life and give your husband and child all the love you had never received. Good luck and Happy New Year!

They aren't happy with their life and want to feel that someone else is worse than they are so they try and make their life feel better by making yours out to be awful. You don't 'fit in' because you are trying to do something with your life.
I never understood why a mother will sit back and watch the dad or boyfriend abuse her kids.
I think it is mostly fear of not knowing how to handle doing something about it. Also they
Put themselves in denial because they get scared of how they would be able to raise their kids without him. These aren't excuses but irrational thoughts to justify not doing anything. Dr Twerski from Gateway Reh teaches that an addict is only emotionally mature up to the age they started their addiction and that is how you need to see your parents.
If you look at it like that you will understand that it is their addictions that make them who they are. It is their life choice and not your doing.

You are best to do like you are doing and move on with your life. They would never do you any good but drag you down if anything. They most probably can't deal with you in their life because then they have to take a hard look at their own.
Leave them in the past and be thankful for what you have now.

You cannot be anymore than you are. What your parents were and are, is not your fault or doing. It lies solely on them. I am glad that you have moved away and have your husband and child. Your direction and priority in life are your husband and child. If that sounds harsh, it is because I have lived with an alcoholic parent and distance is sometimes the best thing.

What I would ask of you is that you seek counseling for yourself. You have a lot A lot of hurt inside you and nowhere to let it go. You have many questions about why all this happened to you - honest questions. But to be honest, I am not sure there is a good answer. You were born into one of the worst families a child could have. But you have come out of that and deserve to move on.

I would not waste another thought on your parents and family. They have their pit to live in. You have a new life, a better life, and you know that making a safe and healthy home for your child is a number one goal.

When I went to Al-Anon one of the things I was asked to do was to write a letter to my Mother describing my feelings and hurts and then forgiving her. I was told I could never go past the past until I let it go. Holding onto it was unhealthy and damaging and causing me to be sick inside. It is easy to hold that resentment but not so easy to release it. That is why I suggest you see a counselor. Someone to facilitate your emotional health. Someone who will tell you it is all right to cry, be angry, ask questions, but also to be there to help put pieces back.

Take care.

So why do you still have any contact with them, why do they even know you had a college loan, Move on without them, not with them. It also sounds like you could sue some professoinal counseling

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So why do you still have any contact with them,

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She said she hasn't had any contact with them in over a year. They don't even know she had a baby.
I think she is just feeling guilty like she abandoned them or she wants a life with them and feels bad that she can't.

Thanks for all the responses. So, my parents really are messed up, huh? For a while there I was thinking I was blaming them unfairly, but you all seem to agree that they are pretty bad people.

I have forgiven them a long time ago. What's eating at me is that they think they are good people. They actually think they did everything right with their kids. Neither admit to any fault at all. I have 2 girls, and I love them so dearly. I can't imagine allowing any harm to come to them, I couldn't imagine going one single day without seeing them, and when they're adults, I still want to see them or at least hear from them every day. Because I love and care for my girls so much, I just can't comprehend how my parents could do what they did to me. I cry when I think about how much I love my children, and how I would like to have my parents have the same love for me. I can't understand how someone could not love their child. I'd just like to understand! Maybe it would be easier to move on. What makes it worse is that my parents planned me, they wanted me, I wasn't a mistake... and then they just basically threw me away. My husband tells me he thinks they wanted a boy, which is possible, as they treat their sons like gold.


I don't regret not having contact with my family, I think it's been good, and it doesn't really affect me so much. I just wonder if they notice. If they miss me, or if they wonder about me. I just can't believe that they have no desire to contact me at all. How do they know that I'm OK? I guess they just don't care, because if they did, then they'd call. How can a person go on with their life not knowing if their child is OK?

Sadly that is the way so many people are anymore. They are in denial and they justify their actions by putting the blame on others then they don't have to deal with who they are or things they do.
It is best to concern yourself with healthy relationships. If they want to be bothered with you they will call otherwise live your life. You have done all you can.

A couple of meetings of adult children of alcoholics CODA may help you understand their bizarre, uncaring behavior. You are not alone as a victim of this baffling disease, alcoholism. It makes me smile to hear you talk about your girls. I know that they will have your love and support.

You could be right in that you were a disappointment, being a girl. That does not explain their behavior however. They are suffering from untreated alcoholism. They have a problem. Be very grateful that you do not.

Thanks again, guys! You really think alcohol was the key factor the whole time, even when they first started drinking and weren't so bad? I also realized that both of my parents are totally non-confrontational with anyone outside of our family. Esp my dad. He lets people just walk all over him and he's so nice to others because he doesn't have the "balls" to say anything, but when he got home, he would take all the frustration out on us. I think that is why he allowed the sexual abuse to go on with me, simply because he was too embarrassed or shy to say anything to the guy.

I'll see if there's any meetings that you mentioned that I could attend. I need to make some friends anyway! Thanks!

It really saddens me to hear your story, but on the other hand I am happy for you for being able to go on with your life. Enjoy your new life and love your daughters... That is all that you can do right now. There is this awsome book that I picked up at the airport a couple of months ago and the title caught my eye "The Glass Castle" from Jeannette Walls. It is a memoir from this woman, how she and her siblings survived her "crazy, drunks parents". It is based on a true story and the author has become a famous journalist.
The book is so intense and well written that I could not put it down and had it almost read by the time I flew back home.
That goes to show you that there are other adults out there that have gone or are going through the same thing that you were... This has made you a better, stronger woman.
Good luck!!

There's a great organization called Adult Children of Alcoholics and I think you could unravel a lot of hurt and grief and move on from it little by little by joining them. They are nearly in every community, just like AA, and are also anonymous.

While you did not inherit the drinking, you did your emotional learning in a really terrible environment, and need to know that no sexual abuse of a 7 year old is "mild".

You will probably never get from your family what you crave, except the sober brother who's in college. Perhaps together you can get some help to heal from the past and start new family traditions. One day you will have your own family, where you can set the tone you wanted and did not get as a child. To do that, I think it would be really helpful to get some counseling and support now to get through your hurt.

God bless!

I'm sorry you have gone through this. Everyone with the label "parent" is not a parent. Your father was a sperm donor and your mother a facilitator. You owe these people nothing.
Congratulations on making it and not becoming what they are. Enjoy your husband and daughter, be the best mom you can be.
Shake the dust from your feet as far are those others are concerned.
Hat's off to you, young lady!

First I really have to applaud you for getting to where you are today. You are strong and independent and nobody can ever take that away from you!

I think you're parents are jealous of you in their own sick and twisted way. I think they are envious of your ability to withstand their abuse and make it on your own. They wish that they could have your stregnth of character. Your troubled brother makes them feel better about themselves. They continue to set him up for failure because it validates their own troubles.

I think that you need to focus on a healthy relationship with your husband and child stay out of the toxicity of your parents/brother. It is really their loss that they are unable to have a relationship with you and their granddaughter. If they should contact you, I would take steps to initiate a fresh start, but it needs to come from them this time. Good luck!!

I am so sorry you had to go through this! You must be a very strong person. Be proud of who you are.

I think you did the right thing by cutting off contact. I too had to cut of contact with people in my life. I always wonder if they miss me and all; I totally understand how you are feeling about that.

Your parents didn't deserve a wonderful daughter like you. The fact that they knew about the abuse and didn't do anything sickens me. Some people have no business having kids!

I agree that counseling might really help you. I went to counseling, and still do on occasion, to deal with the similar situation in my life. I went every week for a while, I still go during times when I'm likely to feel lonely, like holidays. It really helped me work through all the emotions and issues I had because of what happened.

Good luck and God bless!

You guys are really great! I truly thank you for all the responses, you all have really lifted my spirits and given me some great tips and insight. I hope you all know that I really got a lot from posting this and getting all your caring and supportive responses, you all helped me tremendously! THANK YOU!!