Ask Me Help Desk - My Moms Death

Im 14 years old and my mom died on July 21, 2005. She and my dad were both alcoholics and she died only a couple months after my sister and I moved into my grandparents and my dad started his recovery. My mom lived in South Carolina and I lived w/ my dad, brother, and sister in California. She had moved there when I was 9 and hadn't had much contact with my brother and sister since then. I was the only one unaware of her alcoholism (and my dads) and visited her on vacations and every summer. I found out about her alcoholism when I was 13 but still visited her because we were very close and I didn't want her mad at me. I was also very close with my dad and tried to please them both. My moms alcoholism got worse and so soon after I was moved into my grandparents I had a huge fight with her about it. That was in June, I didn't go there for the summer and we stopped talking. My sister and I found out she was sick on July 20th and took a red- eye flight out there. We arrived around 10 in the morning and she was in a semi-coma. Around 6 that night she started having seizures and she died. I am having problems getting over it. I found out from her psychiatrist that she was quitting drinking and planning to move back to California. I often feel guilty and sad that I never got to talk to her again and that our last conversation was a fight. I get really sad and upset that I am stuck at my grandparents house and am not allowed to live with my only living parent. I often get depressed and cry easily when something reminds me of her, a song or a phot or a memory. I am just having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that she's gone and always think about her. I don't feel like I can talk to my dad about it since he still loved her even after 10 years of divorce and fights. And my brother and sister don't want to talk about it and I don't want to talk about it with any of my other family.I don't know what to do I just feel like I'm never going to be truly happy with out her. She was the only person that REALLY understood me, she could tell exactly what I was feeling just by looking at me.

Oh sweeetie, everything will turn out okay. You lost your mom, anyone in the situation that your in would feel the same way. You only being fourteen and the decision you made to not talk to your mom this past summer, was a completely normal reaction for a kid. You have been hurt, dissapointed and in sure you feel that your parents let you down. And in a sense they did. But parents are'nt perfect and Im happy to hear that your dad is taking the necessary steps toward recovery for his alcoholism. That does show that he wants to improve his life as well as you and your sister's. Don't loose hope, there is always the possibility of living with him again.
It sounds as if you are harboring a lot of guilt as far as your mom is concerened. Please don't. There was nothing you could do and for a child of fourteen to have to carry that guilt with them is not good.
Listen, your mother always loved you no matter what. No matter what you did or the decision's you made she always loved you. Being a mom myself, you never loose the love you have for your children. Nothing can tear that apart. Your mom more than likely understood why you decided not to talk to her, she may not have been happy about it But her love for you never left.
If you are'nt seeing someone now, I would highly recommend you see someone, a family counselor or a berevement counselor, to help work through your grief, dissapointment and guilt. By coming on here and discussing this with us you are talking about it and that is a huge step in the right direction. Hope all works out for you:o

I am sorry about your moms death and I know this may not be what you want but you said you don't want to talk about it with anyone else in your family but what about a councillor or maybe some of your mates or someone else when you go back to school

Hi,
What you are feeling is normal. I lost both my parents many, many years ago. I still think of them, and they will always be in my memory.
At 14 yrs old, you really do need to talk with someone about it.
Since both are (were) alcoholics, I highly suggest looking up Ala-Non meetings in your local area. They are in just about every town/city in the world.
Maybe your Grandparents would take you to a meeting, and drop you off. They are fee meetings, and for loved ones, family members, others, of alcoholics. Your first meeting will be wonderful, talking with others who have had the same experiences as you. You will make friends the very first meeting; take my word for it.
You do NOT want to live with your Dad. He has problems of his own, that could make things much worse for you. Only an Ala-Non meeting can convince you of this. It's wonderful that your Dad has started Recovery, but it's strictly up to him, if he does or does not want to drink. I pray that he will stay with it, but there is always a chance he won't.
I do wish you the best, and eventually, things will look a lot brighter to you.
PLEASE get your Grandparents to take you to an Ala-Non meeting!!
Happy New Year!

Im so sorry to hear of your loss of your mother at such a young age.

The way that you are feeling now is 100% normal and all people, adults or young people feel the same way as you do when you lose someone so special from your life. I know that you said that you don't want to talk with family about this matter, you never know they could be feeling just like you and are not sure what to do either...

I would say that you really do need to deal with your loss and would say talk to friends and family, if not them then have you looked into speaking with your doctor or maybe someone at your school that could help you ! Most doctors have got special programs that will help you deal with your feelings and the things that you are going over and help you come to terms with this big loss.

I bet your mother loved you always and would be happy that you are missing her, but I also know that she would always love you and want you to carry on with your life, and keep on living. You will always hold her dear in your heart always, and that is something that you should always do.

Ok at this point.. get a boyfriend/girlfriend... that should cheer you up (also they will help you a lot to get over this).

Quote:

Originally Posted by spyyder

Ok at this point.. get a boyfriend/girlfriend... that should cheer you up (also they will help you a lot to get over this).

You must get yourself straight 100% before you go after things like the above, as you will find that you may just end up getting a lot more hurt and upset and very very unhappy...

I agree with nwsflash if the g/f or b/f you wanted was with someone else and you asked them and they said no it can be even more upsetting