Ask Me Help Desk - Ok I need some outside input

Hello, I really think I need some help. I am with my boyfriend whom we have been together for two years now. I am 7 months pregnant and he just asked me to marry him on christmas. Sounds sweet huh. Well I am still with him because he was supposed to quit smoking pot, and he wasn't going to play sooooo much hours of video games everyday. So I move in and then he asks me to marry him, and then he starts getting high at least two or three times a day and playing hours and hours of video games and I feel that he is a complete looser when he does this. Sometimes I am happy when we spend time together but I feel like I am taking up his precious video game time and I hate hanging with him when he's high. I do not want this. Please someone give me some advice.

Congrats on the baby - but you don't need two at the same time. And this is exactly what you'll get unless he seeks therapy and stops using pot. You'll need to be strong and give him an ultimatum because the money he is wasting right now will be needed for diapers, food, and more. If he's not willing to stop, then you and the baby would be better off going it alone with help from your family and straight friends or even a home for single moms with a stable structure. If you need help and advice about your pregnancy, you can also contact us. Ask him what kind of future he sees down the road, and tell him to look at the entire picture - just as with an alcoholic, unless the problem is admitted and help sought, he'll not be truthful and will only stress you out more. So please hold off on the marriage, and see if he's willing to 'earn' this family. I sure hope he chooses his family instead of the pot. Good Luck and Happy New Year!

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Take it from someone who dealt with a loser like that for a husband. You got a baby and no one else matters not even him. You don't need the stress. He needs some sort of drug rehab or something. People don't just stop using drugs and quit forever. Hell need some help. If he's willing to get the help for you and stick with it fine but I don't believe he's mature enough to. Send him packing for you and the baby.

While many pot smokers grow up, ( you did not say the age) awhole lot slowly move on to other drugs also. Some of the most successful business people I have known smoked pot and/or drank all the time.
And some did coke ( crack was not there in those days)

So what you have is someone who is lazy and smokes pot.

Next second hand pot smoke can also make you show a positive drug test if you are working someone. Next the baby can get effected from this.

If he wanted you and really cared, he would change. You may sit down and explain this to him, since he may not be taking you seroiusly, since you knew most likely he was doing this, and for some reason, though you waling in the door with your suit case would change him.

Some men, ( not many) will change if you walk out the door. Most will merely find another lady who will take a tote with them.

If he loves you and really wants to marry you, talk to him, if he stops, goes to counseling and works on his problem, then it may be worth working on. If not ( and most likely not) I would not let the door hit me on the rear on the way out.

A bad and/or lousy husband and father is worst than none, and never marry just because you are pregnant, that is the worst reason ever to marry

Ask yourself one question:

If he never changes do you want him raising your child?

Only you can answer that question. I don't say this to be snide at all. I have known guys that have smoked pot and played video games but have been kind-hearted and loving and eventually grew out of those habits. But I have also known guys that have become so completely self-involved that they lost all their friends and loved ones because of their "hobbies". I wish you the best of luck and a healthy and happy baby!

You guys are in a fairly big predicament, however, I have to be honest, so forgive me if I sound a little harsh. Ca79girl, didn’t you know that this guy was a pothead loser who wasted what little brain he had left on video games before you decided to sleep with him??? And if you did, didn’t it occur to you that risking a pregnancy with this guy was probably not in anyone’s best interest, much less a baby’s. Birth control or no birth control, this was 100% avoidable. As women, we have the responsibility and obligation to choose who we get involved with wisely, not just base it on how cute or nice he is. Love's not enough and I think you’ve just realized that. Intentions won’t pay the bills or raise a baby responsibly. I know it’s not always the first thing we think of and we aren’t out there trying to get knocked up but we have to be out there with our eyes and ears open to everything about this person we’re getting involved with. If we don’t, who will??

I will give you one very HUGE commendation and that is that you were moral and ethical enough not to just get rid of your baby because the pregnancy was unplanned and the father is not responsible enough. Your character in that regard is remarkable and I thank you for that.

My recommendation may not be a popular one but I tend to focus on the innocent one here and that would be the baby. Ideally, I believe that a baby deserves an intact, loving home complete with mom and dad under one roof. A baby needs mature and financially stable parents. This kind of stability would allow mom to stay home and raise this newcomer. Since you are dealing with a pretty irresponsible guy who will not be changing his behaviors and traits anytime soon, I would consider one of two things. Adoption is one. Women don’t adopt their children out because they are selfish, quite the contrary. It's a difficult decision that requires in incredible amount of motherly love. In the middle of a heart rendering crisis, these women love their children enough to realize that raising them alone is not in their best interest. Moving back home with your mom and dad is another option. This will allow you to receive help from them and more importantly, give this baby the chance to grow up in a home where there are two parents in the background. They can help you provide structure, care and support that a single parent, or worse a home with an immature, drug addicted father cannot provide. I feel bad that you find yourself in this situation. The levels of sadness and frustration must be insurmountable, but please, whatever you do, don't marry this guy for the sake of the baby. He's had 7 months to clean up his act for the his child and hasn't done so. An ultimatum at this point would really serve no purpose other than making you look desperate. The best thing really is to move back home with mom and dad and tell this guy if he's interested in creating a healthy, loving enviroment for his child, he needs to go to rehab and be clean for at least one year solid! Nothing less. He also needs to put the video games away or throw them out all together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momincali

You guys are in a fairly big predicament, however, I have to be honest, so forgive me if I sound a little harsh. Ca79girl, didn’t you know that this guy was a pothead loser who wasted what little brain he had left on video games before you decided to sleep with him??? And if you did, didn’t it occur to you that risking a pregnancy with this guy was probably not in anyone’s best interest, much less a baby’s. Birth control or no birth control, this was 100% avoidable. As women, we have the responsibility and obligation to choose who we get involved with wisely, not just base it on how cute or nice he is. Love's not enough and I think you’ve just realized that. Intentions won’t pay the bills or raise a baby responsibly. I know it’s not always the first thing we think of and we aren’t out there trying to get knocked up but we have to be out there with our eyes and ears open to everything about this person we’re getting involved with. If we don’t, who will??

I will give you one very HUGE commendation and that is that you were moral and ethical enough not to just get rid of your baby because the pregnancy was unplanned and the father is not responsible enough. Your character in that regard is remarkable and I thank you for that.

My recommendation may not be a popular one but I tend to focus on the innocent one here and that would be the baby. Ideally, I believe that a baby deserves an intact, loving home complete with mom and dad under one roof. A baby needs mature and financially stable parents. This kind of stability would allow mom to stay home and raise this newcomer. Since you are dealing with a pretty irresponsible guy who will not be changing his behaviors and traits anytime soon, I would consider one of two things. Adoption is one. Women don’t adopt their children out because they are selfish, quite the contrary. It's a difficult decision that requires in incredible amount of motherly love. In the middle of a heart rendering crisis, these women love their children enough to realize that raising them alone is not in their best interest. Moving back home with your mom and dad is another option. This will allow you to receive help from them and more importantly, give this baby the chance to grow up in a home where there are two parents in the background. They can help you provide structure, care and support that a single parent, or worse a home with an immature, drug addicted father cannot provide. I feel bad that you find yourself in this situation. The levels of sadness and frustration must be insurmountable, but please, whatever you do, don't marry this guy for the sake of the baby. He's had 7 months to clean up his act for the his child and hasn't done so. An ultimatum at this point would really serve no purpose other than making you look desperate. The best thing really is to move back home with mom and dad and tell this guy if he's interested in creating a healthy, loving enviroment for his child, he needs to go to rehab and be clean for at least one year solid! Nothing less. He also needs to put the video games away or throw them out all together.

Very thoughtful and caring advice, as usual.. Thanks M3

Happy New Year to you and yours. M2

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifWISHING YOU ALL A PEACEFUL, PROSPEROUS,SAFE, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if your boyfriend is ready for marriage or fatherhood. It's admirable that he wants to do the right thing by marrying you but he seems oblivious to the responsibilities that lie ahead. You way want to give him an ultimatum in that you'll agree to marry him on the condition that he get off the pot and cut way back on the video games. Provide a window of time, say 6 months, for him to get his act together. If he does by the end of the 6 months, then marry him. If not, then move on with your life without him. I realize that you'll have already had your baby by the end of 6 months but I think that he needs that much time so you'll have to resign yourself to the idea of being a single mom for a while. Of course, if you and he don't end up together he'll still be obligated to provide financial support for the child and you'll have to honor his rights as a father concerning visitation, etc. Are there any other issues, besides his addiction to pot and video games, that need to be addressed? Is he steadily employed and able to provide financially for a wife and a child? If not then that's got to be addressed as well as part of your 6-month ultimatum. You have a long and rugged road ahead so good luck.

Hi, cagirl,
You have had some awesome answers here already!
You might already know that over half the marriages in the US end in divorce now... many of those started with "no problems" between them.
Please seriously consider about marrying this guy. I agree with the answer about "he's not ready", and really believe that if you do marry him, he willl not stop smoking, and will not stop playing so many video games.
When two people get married, there are many, many issues they have to face everyday, as a married couple. Why put yourself in the situation, with making it worse, when you already know he has problems like this.
I'm 63 yrs old, married first time for 7 yrs, divorced, then remarried. This second marriage to a very wonderful lady has been for 28 yrs, and hopefully will be a lifetime for both of us. We have learned a lot over the past many years about each other.
It's your choice of what to do. Personally, I would suggest you and he living separate, give him some time, and see if he is really serious about making some changes in his life. Whatever you decide, I do wish you the best.
Happy New Year.

Thank you all very much for your opinions as they are very helpful. I appreciate being able to get input on my situation as it is not easy to see what to do when you are in the relationship. I guess I have a lot of work to do.
Thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by ca79girl

Thank you all very much for your opinions as they are very helpful. I appreciate being able to get input on my situation as it is not easy to see what to do when you are in the relationship. I guess i have a lot of work to do.
Thank you

You are welcome dear, and any time you need further help, let us know. HAPPY NEW YEAR!