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Just a thought, but I think you are trying too hard, perhaps? You are looking for reasons for this, such as the business situation, and I do not see any connection. Your son, like others folks, does things for strange reasons. Some years ago, when my first child became about sixteen, I decided to no longer hold parents responsible for the actions of their 'older' kids. I would like to extend that to you, also.
Just curious: how far away are you from you son? How far away are you from your grandson? Do you have other children and grandchildren? What kind of work does your son do?
Threats are not a good thing. Don't make threats.Quote:
Originally Posted by Reecie
There is no connection.Quote:
My son saw me having to be the man of the house and I'm afraid that emasculated him. I'm afraid that could be part of the problem.
Reread what George_1950 said and please answer his questions.
Thank you so much for your response. My son is my only child. He lives about 18 miles from me and the grandchild lives about 22 miles from me. My son's father left me when he was 18 months old and was married four weeks later. I might say he has now been married six times. His natural father never saw him from the time he was three until he was about twelve. I remarried when he was eight and a half. My present husband had two children about the same age. One being a boy six weeks older than my son. My husband was not interested in my son nor was my husband's family. That family was very resentful of our marriage. All of this was a real struggle for me. I adored my son. I felt very bad about all of this, eventually I wound up hating my husband's family. My son struggled in school and only received a G.E.D. My son is self employed. He started his own business in his twenties and is a very hard worker, basically a workaholic. I might say, he does quite well. He is quite independent. Never asking me or anyone for anything. He is not totally put together. He cares nothing about furniture in the house, etc. He is very messy but he is a great business man. He idolizes this son of his. He is a wonderful father. Maybe more protective of his son than I was of him. He leans toward being a loner. I tried to give him every advantage I could. He was very rebellious starting around age 12. He did poorly in a private school with only about 15 children. At the request of the school, I put him in a very controversial place. The headmaster had three of her sons there. It was a place where the kids lived, in my eyes like animals, worked on projects, such as building the campus where they lived. The kids had therapy sessions everyday. That school eventually was sued for millions for various and sundry reason. After my son got out of that place, I put him in a private boarding school in North Carolina. He was so far behind in school he could not keep up. That's because for the two years he was at the rip off animal house he was not allowed to go to school, not to mention he had A.D.D. That's why he was in a private school to start with. When he got home from one year of the North Carolina boarding school my husband was losing everything we had, house and all. I might add my husband was a spoiled bratt, he had twelve cars in our yard, from Farraris to rusted out pick up trucks and no furniture in the house. That's when I had to take over. My son saw me as an overbearing, tough nosed person. I had to first, fight my husband then I had to act. My husband went in complete denial of the mess he had made. I HAD to handle this. There were lawyers, banks etc involved and someone had to be responsible, it had to be me. My husband stays in denial. I had to close that business and start another business in my name just for survival. I had only been a secretary while single. My husband had to be my only salesman in this new company I started. My son lived in torment through that. He saw me have to be the tough one. I had to handle the creditors, lawyers, etc. That is why I said what I did in the first message about emasculating him. We were eventually put out of hour home. I found a house to rent. My son moved out when he was 18 years old. I am torn between feeling guilty about all of the above. I had to do something. I did not plan any of this but I had to try and keep body and soul together. In the midst of trying to survive I think I lost my son. I don't know if his resentment for me is from not having a father or whether it's from staying in a bad situation with my present husband of 33 years and what this husband has put me through. My son has never shown any compassion for me. He has not been appreciative of anything I have given or done for him. I had an accident when he was in his early twenties. I had a broken hip and shoulder and my son did not even come to the hospital to see me. He has never cared anything about me. If he has, I have not been able to tell it. The only reason I threatened to see my grandchild through the child's mother is because it is clear he does not want me around that child, that way he won't know when I see him. I don't know if I should just leave all of them alone and forget I have a grandchild. This keeps me depressed all the time.
Your son is an adult now, who can take care of himself. Everything that has happened to you, you survived. You did not ask for the life you were given, but you made the best out of what you had. The task in front of you now is letting go of your son. Let him be. You can no longer make choices for him. You can not fix his life.
Grandparents can be very helpful to parents. If a parent does not want their help, the parent "rules." However, your son is divorced/ing. Your daughter-in-law can use your support, so can your grandson. Let it come around on its own. You are not able to control what feels like yours. It is not yours. Let it go. Love them as they are.
Sounds like your son has a lot of anger and resentment towards you. Maybe he feels like he was rejected and he is doing the same thing to you. But he is an adult now and he really should be more respectful. He maybe angry, but you are his mother. Just leave him alone. I know it's hard because of your grandchild, but let your son go. He has issues he needs to deal with and it may not be a bad idea for you to get a bit of counseling to deal with this rejection.
You wrote: "This keeps me depressed all the time." You are plenty smart-enough to know what to do about depression.
You wrote: "The only reason I threatened to see my grandchild through the child's mother is because it is clear he does not want me around that child, that way he won't know when I see him. I don't know if I should just leave all of them alone and forget I have a grandchild." It is natural and wonderful for a grandparent to want to enjoy a grandchild. But, you remember that saying, something like, sugar draws more flies that vinegar. I don't think you will ever be the one to forget your grandchild, but over time you should have plenty of opportunities to help with the baby's care. Be a friend to the mother of your grandchild; try to find some ways to help her. My guess and hope is the action will begin to come your way, if you are free and available.
I appreciate every one of you who responded to my post. It gives me something to think about.
Thank you very much
It never hurst to do some research, say at amazon.com or in a local bookstore, or library; look for books on being a grandparent. A librarian can be a good resource for tough questions; I have always noticed that they have a lot of curiosity about things.
It may also be a good idea to go to your son and tell him that you feel you put your husband ahead of him. If you have not already, let him know that you understand why he feels the way he does and you'd like to make it up to him, you'd like to be a part of his son's life.
He maybe does not want you to give his son what he thinks you didn't give him.
Also, try and develop a relationship with the son's mother. She may be the only link to your grandchild for a while.
I wish you the best.
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