Okay, this is the beginning to my newest story. I'm 14 and I don't know how good or bad it is but I've never let anyone read my stuff, flames are welcome just be honest, constructive criticism would be helpful and praise would be nice.

Start
How did I ever get into this situation? Oh, I know, I DIDN’T, my oh so loving and caring father who thinks he’s god did. I mean I know he’s cruel but this cruel? He’s reached a new level of sadistic nature. Seriously, I think a new level of hell needs to be made just for him. I mean, what kind of sadist father, simply goes and says one awkward and silent dinner “Oh, and by the way Hana, I’ve set you up an arranged marriage.” God, I just about choked on my food, I went purple before my darling elder brother decided that my choking was interrupting his meal and uncaringly stated just that after he pounded harshly on my back.

My family’s like that though. We are completely and utterly insane. We’re one of the richest family’s in the country thanks to my father running a prestigious private school that I myself go to, and let me tell you this, that place is just as insane as it’s owner, it’s like a mad house. I swear in that place I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if the walls started talking or the ceiling decided to drop light bulbs from it’s beautiful and elegant accessories onto unsuspecting students heads. Actually, that happened last year, twice, I’m still glaring at the ceiling for that bump on my head.

Sentences tending to be a bit long. Nice first sentence, as to the 'situation'; but I don't see any development. You need to recall the relationship between the first sentence and the remainder of the paragraph. All in all, not enough here to assess your idea.

It's a good beginning, both creative and capable of catching the attention of an audience. Some corrections need to be made, though. Would you like for me to point out some of the obvious corrections that need to be made?

What is the title of your story, please? Do you have some sort of synopsis for it in order to know where you are going with it in terms of the plot?

I would like for you to point them out please. The title of it is 'Blissful ignorance' I'm intending to make it go like this, Hana's dad sets her up for an arranged marriage, she doesn't agree and so her father reason's with her that if she spends an entire year with him and still resents the idea he will give up. There will be lots of insane stuff going on, arguments and brief moments of peace between her and the boy as they are complete opposites and both too stubborn in not wanting to wed the other. However the boy will slowly become friends with her and begins to open up to her, eventually he falls in love with her but she remains ignorant to the fact that she's falling in love too, hence the title. I'm not sure how I'm going to end it yet, it'll be a happy ending but not in that ridiculously sappy way, just content, I don't think I'll make them get married at the end, maybe just engaged so it's on their own terms when they get married.

Okay. Thanks for the great thoughtful answer! Cool! :) Please give me some time to look for the obvious things that need to be corrected.

What is the reason that you are writing this? Is it for school? If it is for school, are there certain rules or guidelines that you are needing to follow? Knowing those things will aid in knowing better how to help you. Thanks!

I'm just writing this because I love to write. Plus the plot bunnies won't leave me alone! So, yeah, it's a free range field for this story. If you could help me improve it the that would be great, thanks!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by iluvkitsunes

I'm just writing this because i love to write. Plus the plot bunnies won't leave me alone! So, yeah, it's a free range feild for this story. If you could help me improve it the that would be great, thanks!

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Hey, that's really cool! You're following what you want to do in your heart! :) You must really have a passion for writing. Are there any other things that you have written?

If you are in school, would you mind saying what grade you are in?

I just made a few revisions in your story below. I hope that they are okay. Please let me know. I'm sure that things will get further revisions before you have completed your story. Perhaps someone who is a published writer will come along and also be able to help here.

Blissful Ignorance

How did I ever get into this situation? Oh, I know, I didn't! My oh, so loving and caring father who thinks he's God did. I mean, I know he's cruel. But, how could he be this cruel? He's reached a new level of sadistic nature.

Seriously, I think a new level of hell needs to be made just for him. I mean, what kind of sadistic father, simply goes and says at one awkward and silent dinner, “Oh, and by the way Hana, I've set you up an arranged marriage.”

"God, I just about choked on my food!" I said. And, I started to turn purple before my darling elder brother decided that my choking was interrupting his meal, and he uncaringly stated what I had already, after pounding harshly on my back.

My family's like that though. We are completely and utterly insane. We're one of the richest family's in the country thanks to my father running a prestigious private school that I myself attend. And, let me tell you this, that place is just as insane as it's owner.

It's like a mad house. I swear in that place I wouldn't't be surprised in the slightest if the walls started talking or the ceiling decided to drop light bulbs from it's beautiful and elegant accessories onto unsuspecting student's heads.

Actually, that already happened twice last year. I'm still glaring at the ceiling for that bump on my head!

Hello I:

I loved the story. I want to find out what happens to the little rich girl, and her BAD old dad. I want to know how family's like that think. Write more!

excon

Interesting story... How old is Hana? What country are they from? Where do they live now? Where is Hana's mother?

Thanks for your suggestins george_1950!

Thanks for your help clough, I really appreciate it! Yeah, I do love writing I dream of becoming an author one day or maybe just a historian, but no matter what I do when I grow up, I'll still write, I just love it! Well, I live in the UK so we don't have grades, just years. I'm in year 10 at the moment and I'm 14, one of the youngest of the year so I don't know how grades work over there.

Thanks for the praise excon! It's nice when people like my stuff.

Also, bushg, thanks for reading! Hana just turned 17 which is why her father chose this time, as she could have some word over him in her marriage when she turns 18. It's also the reason why at the end I'm not getting them married and everything's only content, they're too young to REALLY understand their feelings and aren't responsible enough to be in a real relationship, therefor they are only engaged until they mature enough years later to marry.

They live in New York, in a mansion, that's unusual I know but my story is meant to twist nomalalacy into just plain weird so it fits. Hana and er brother were born there and so was their father though theirmother comes from tokyo. Because of this, she owns a company in tokyo, so she's gone a lot, though comes back every few weeks for a while.

Very adult reason for a 14 year old to not let them marry... hopefully some younger kids will learn something from this couple. Are marriages arranged in Toyko.

Grades in the USA are based on A,B, C D, F, According to which state you live in determines what percentage out of 100 gives you a particular grade. Like 99 percent would be an A grade which is excellent 8 percent would be an F which is failure. But I said there are variations for the states. I went to high school in the south and here is a list as I remember
96 to 100= A+
92 to 96= A
88 to 92= B+
84 to 88= B
80 to 84= C+
76 to 80= C
72 to 76=D+
68 to 72=D
Anything below would be a F
I believe this was the grading system we used... it's been awhile.
Hope this helps.