https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-166149.html


That was my story. I have been alone to think about it for days and days (I'm a high school math teacher, it's winter break), and I think I just figured something out.

She loved me. I know this to be true. She went out of her way for me and showed me affection every chance she got. I'm the one that pushed away and I didn't know why because she's everything I ever wanted: Smart, Funny, Kind, Warm, Pretty and she smiles a lot. I'm a sucker for a girl that smiles a lot. :P

Anyway, here's what I figured out: I kept nit-picking and nit-picking at everything she did or everything she said. I kept correcting her and tried to make her perfect (in my eyes). As a result, I had her walking on egg shells. She was too worried or nervous about making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing. As a result, she assumed I didn't love her or feel deeply for her, and she broke up with me and asked for space.

I never even realized I was doing this. I never realized that I've always been this way in every relationship I've ever been in. Then I looked at my family history, and everyone in it is the same way. It was like walking on egg shells as a kid growing up. I never felt accepted, and I felt that I could never do anything right. It looks like I adopted this pattern as my own!

It's been 2 weeks of no contact. With that time, I've had so much reflection on myself that I think I've walked a perminant pace pattern in the carpet! Haha! I really feel that I've found something with my nit-picking. I've also come to accept that I'm not perfect. I have flaws, and many of them. I am not the all-knowing, always-right-never-wrong individual I thought I was. I couldn't just let things go, I had to say something. I was so up-tight. I'm working on being humble (it's my new favorite word!). I have to accept the fact that I have short-comings, and I need to work on them everyday. It's going to take practice, it's not something I can change over night. My way isn't always the right way, it's just "my way" because it's my point of view. A different person will have their way of thoughts and motions, their way of digesting a situation. I have to stop thinking that there is a right or wrong for everything that exists in this world.

Even though I didn't want this break, I'm glad I had it now. I really do miss her, more than ever now that I feel I can be more open with her! But I also feel I've found something about myself that I've never seen before, and it's really opened my eyes, and actually gave me a feeling of which I've never felt before. Something that said "omg, there is hope for you yet Mike!"

So do you think my brain is on the right track? Am I missing something? What should my next steps be?

PS - you guys on this board have been the best! <3

I think you've learned some valuable lessons here and experienced a lot of personal growth and that's a good thing. Keep working on yourself. Even if you don't get back with your recent ex, you'll be all the more ready for a successful relationship with the next one.

"It's been 2 weeks of no contact." Congratulations; it's working, ain't it? Sometimes I feel that I am on a circle of some sort, and all the feelings (love, hurt, anger, sadness) are just repeated; but they are not as intense for me as they were. A key is coping strategies. I read with interest your comments on "...all-knowing, always-right-never-wrong individual...". A new TV show for me is "According To Jim". I guess it is romantic comedy in 30 minute episodes. One of the themes is, who is going to be right. It is a constant contest, and humorous. Cheryl, Jim's wife, is (to me) the 'wife-in-love'. I have just checked: the show has new episodes in January 2008; and it is not yet out on DVD. But I recommend it to you for some fun and laughter.

Good afternoon EuRa...
I just needed to type you this message to say, thank you. You see, I have very much been like this girl you are talking about. In love with a man, who made me feel in so many ways this same way at different times. Though these are your words, and would never be ones he would say, think, or even imagine himself being like, he was and is. I've always believed if I were just smarter, maybe if I were witty or more sarcastic, and the list continued. It went on to more extremes like, trying to learn French because he could speak it and was impresssed with it (Never got that one accomplished) and many more little things, that looking at it now seems almost funny.

We can do that to ourselves, all of us, at some point, turn ourselves inside and out for another. Your letter, though I wished had been written for me, by him, was as close as I will ever get to understanding or having any sort of reason as to why. For that I thank you.

We all play a part when we go through a relationship. We change, and as we change we learn, grow and hopefully find the place that fits for both of us, like a warm fleece blanket on a cold winter night. I didn't get that but I, like you, learned a lot about what was missing, what I needed and what was right for him didn't mean it was right for me.

Thank you for sharing your learning experience, I just became an adult student of ours, who passed with flying colors...

If only others could soul search and figure out what they do that makes others feel like they are in an uncompatible relationship! Too many are in denial and just want to do the easy thing and point fingers at the other. Knit picking partners will make you feel like you are walking on egg shells, make you feel like you can't do anything right and make you feel unappreciated and what's the use.
Now that you have figured it out work on yourself improvement and catch yourself when you start old behaviors. IF you want the girlfriend back talk to her and ask if you can start back as friends. Tell you you soul searched and realized these things about yourself. Many girls like a guy that can own up to their faults and get in touch with their inner self.
Even tell her that you would even appreciate if she helps catch you and point out when you start falling in an old pattern.

Hate to rain on the parade and all,but...

IT's a normal thing for people to "realize" what they lacked during the relationship right after it's over. I think its you convincing yourself you can and will change so you have some hope of a future. Kind of, like denial, so you think of all the things you did wrong and insist they not happen again, then will she like me better?

I hope you have found yourself in a weekend, I really do, but to me it sounds as a coping strategy, whether you realize this or not. IF you call her and tell her you've changed, she would probably not believe it and I doubt calling her at this point is good advice. This stuff in your head will clear in a couple of weeks.

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Originally Posted by BMI

Hate to rain on the parade and all,but...

IT's a normal thing for people to "realize" what they lacked during the relationship right after it's over. I think its you convincing yourself you can and will change so you have some hope of a future. Kinda, like denial, so you think of all the things you did wrong and insist they not happen again, then will she like me better?

I hope you have found yourself in a weekend, i really do, but to me it sounds as a coping strategy, whether you realize this or not. IF you call her and tell her you've changed, she would probably not beleive it and i doubt calling her at this point is good advice. This stuff in your head will clear in a couple of weeks.

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Actually, she's already moved on to someone else. Only took her 2-3 days to do it too. I just found out because she messaged me to tell me. I don't see how she could move on so fast, but she did.

Either way, I still feel like I found something I need to work on. I really do think that this is a BIG find, and that I can work on it and make myself a better person through it!

I doubt she got over you in 2-3 days, its called a rebound.

Also, why did she message you to tell you she was with another guy?

You sure she's even worth all the effort you are going to put into changing yourself. I mean changing yourself in order to look better for her. The changing you do for YOURSELF is the one I'd invest in.

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Originally Posted by BMI

The changing you do for YOURSELF is the one i'd invest in.

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Yes. I shall do just that!

Good afternoon guys...
BMI, I disagree with you. Why is it that it's always assumed to be a rebound if a guy/girl meets another shortly after a break-up? Consider what the young teacher said to begin with. He admits to making her feel as if she couldn't do too much right, he was the one who had all the answers and she was forced to walk on egg shells, to name just a few things he said.

This young lady, for all we know had months, to slowly pull away. And guess what BMI? Rarely does love die in a heated moment, it dies slowly over time. In most cases you don't even realize it is happening. I'm not ignorant and understand that rebound relationships happen all the time. However, give this girl a little credit and the benefit of the doubt. So she sent him a message saying she had moved on? Do we really not think it's human nature for her to be hurt and angry and just maybe want to share with him that he messed up? That she's a girl who can be treated right and loved, just the way she is? Look at some of the posts from other people and the revenge they take into their own hands because of the bitterness they had. All she did was tell him she moved on, let's cut her a little slack guys.

She may well be on the rebound BUT I have known of guys that HAVE realized they were the root of the problem and DID change.
I am sure she quite likely did as life1973 said and slowly pulled away emotionally but was too afraid to take the steps to break up and once it was over she probably felt relieved and couldn't wait to find somebody else. Then messaged him to let him know in so many words that she found somebody that DID make her feel worthy.
So I agree with life1973.

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Originally Posted by life1973happened

Good afternoon guys...
BMI, I disagree with you. Why is it that it's always assumed to be a rebound if a guy/girl meets another shortly after a break-up? Consider what the young teacher said to begin with. He admits to making her feel as if she couldn't do too much right, he was the one who had all the answers and she was forced to walk on egg shells, to name just a few things he said.

This young lady, for all we know had months, to slowly pull away. And guess what BMI? Rarely does love die in a heated moment, it dies slowly over time. In most cases you don't even realize it is happening. I'm not ignorant and understand that rebound relationships happen all the time. However, give this girl a little credit and the benefit of the doubt. So she sent him a message saying she had moved on? Do we really not think it's human nature for her to be hurt and angry and just maybe want to share with him that he messed up? That she's a girl who can be treated right and loved, just the way she is? Look at some of the posts from other people and the revenge they take into their own hands because of the bitterness they had. All she did was tell him she moved on, let's cut her a little slack guys.

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This is it in a nutshell, quoted above, excellently.

Here's how it happens, girl dates man, man acts like boy, girl starts to lose interest, fights start, girls starts looking for another man, boy and girl break up and get back together, in the background girl has eyes on another man who fits her mold, boy and girl break up again, girl starts dating new man right away, boy confused as to why she jumped so quick.

Women are much different then men. Here's how it works with men. Man starts dating, Man gets bored or tired of her BS, man overreacts and tells her to hit road. Man thinks he will get new girl soon, doesn't happen, man calls old girl and get back together, still doesn't work breaks up again, man alone for a while until someone new comes along.

Notice the difference between man and boy. Man = financial security and maturity.

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So do you think my brain is on the right track?

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A brain that is working is on the right track

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Am I missing something?

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No, it just hasn't come to you yet, but it will, just keep thinking.

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What should my next steps be?

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Just keep thinking, and your next step will appear.

Life is all about changing and growing, and learning. It's a journey, so pay attention to the path your on, and make sure that's where you want to go.

Hi EuRa
First let me say Life1973 has hit the nail on the head in my opinion , very well said.

Secondly when Ex's move on so quickly and find someone new in a matter of days/weeks and we can't figure out how they could do it so fast , the answer a lot of times is the other person was in the picture before the breakup.

I disagree with what you are saying Life1973 in this circumstance.

Firstly, your portrayal of the situation is tending towards her side and she sounds so much more lovely reading your re-cap rather than the OP's.

She did not message him to say she HAD to move on (unless I missed something, the OP only stated that she messaged him to tell him she was with s/o else). SO, with that being said, representing the situation while tending towards her and her heartbreak will make her seem like a very nice girl, doing what she had to do.

The information provided suggests she did it out of anger, to get back at him or make him jealous. If coupled with the fact she was with someone 3 DAYS latter makes me believe that she is not as innocent as she seems (well at least to you and those who agree with you).

How can this girl date 3 days after her relationship? Furthermore, how can you say that's not a rebound? Unless you suggest that she was planning this for some time (which would be wrong of her) OR that she learned so much about herself in 72 hours that she did indeed find her knight in shining armor and she is ready and willing to make this a long term meaningful relationship OR it's a rebound. I choose the latter.

Be careful getting caught up in forgiving everything and everyone. After a break-up most tend to glorify their other half, they can do no wrong because deep down there is a valid reason for doing what they have done. If you cheat on someone? Should we take a deeper look into their "position" to better understand the motive behind it, I bet one could persude another to actually feel sorry for the person who cheated, if creative and depressing enough. So, sometimes reality is reality, and this girl appears to be on the rebound with little or no care for the feelings of someone she professed to care about. To me, nothing justifies hurting someone.

Hmm. EuRa and I are in the same boat. Weird.

My ex and I have been together for 3 years. No fights. No breakups. We just ended it 3 weeks ago. She got with someone within 3 days.

As soon as I read your post, it hit me. I'm the same way!! I think SO highly of myself, and I think I'm SO smart and right every single time. I never put my ex down, ever, but I did always try to somewhat correct her. I would hint that her friends weren't good enough for her (and I still stand by that).

However, I'm not so sure that she felt that I didn't love her. I think she knew how I felt... but perhaps... she wanted someone that was more laid back.. . hmm. Thanks for that.

Good afternoon BMI...
Are you serious? All I posted was that we should understand that rebounds are not always the case, yet most often used as one. I don't know this girl or this guy but to say what she did was wrong and hurtful to him there is never a reason for, I disagree with! Was it mature, no. But she had been hurt and hurt badly by the sounds of it. Calling him and saying I've moved on is mean and hurtful? Think of all the things she could have done that are mean and hurtful after the relationship she had just been in.

He hurt her, he admits that. He goes on to post what he did to this girl and only during his winter break did he come to realize what he had done and why. Which is great on his part. However, it does not take away from the fact that he sounds like he really hurt this girl.

We are all human as I have stated before and I'm sorry to you that she was not a saint and just walked away picking up the pieces as she went. She made a call, big deal. If she is on the rebound so be it but you and I will not know that is the case at all.

Try being a little more open-minded about both sides.

This topic got revived? Weird :)

But something happened that none of us thought of. We're back together actually. If you care, here's the story:


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-167299.html

I agree with life1973happened.

You ever watch GOOD LUCK CHUCK? Every girl who ever sleeps with chuck, marries the next guy she dates.

My best friend has a similar curse. He'll date a girl... whether it be for 3 months or 2 years... they'll end things... and the next guy that she dates, she will either be in it for a LONG time, be engaged, or marry the guy.

.. weird huh?

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Originally Posted by EuRa

This topic got revived? Weird :)

But something happened that none of us thought of. We're back together actually. If you care, here's the story:


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-167299.html

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Wow, that is an awesome story. I would love to have the opportunity to get back with my pregnant ex. I am taking things quite well, and had similar realisations that certain aspects of my behaviour were undoubtedly a contributory factor to things suddenly no working out.

I have addressed every 'flaw' in my behaviour and tried to learn from it and grow into a better person.

I hope she sees this, as it would be fairytale to get the chance to be back with her. If she never wants it again then it's her prerogative but I know if she ever did want it back I would want to do my best for things to work.


Great to hear your story. :)