Ask Me Help Desk - I'm So Confused!

Hi, my name is Allison. I'm 26, I hold a bachelors degree and I live on my own. I had been dating a guy a couple years older than me for almost 2 years, I'll call him "Dan".

It started good in January of 06, and we were having the time of our lives! But he broke up with me in May, saying he just wasn't "feeling it". I've honestly never been single for more than a month, and this was no exception. I started dating right away. During the time we were broken up, Dan kept calling me, and we kept talking. He dated someone else as well, but we eventually got back together after a month separation.

After that, we were together for about a year straight. I would occasionally catch him talking to other girls, but there was never any cheating going on, however this still hurt me. I was also unclear as to his real feelngs for me. This year in August, he dumped me again. I was so distraught! He broke up with me for the same reason... he just didn't "feel it". So I started dating once again, and after a few days, he would call again. The same pattern would occur, we would talk a lot on our break, then eventually get back together.

This time he swore would be different. He said he only cared about me and nobody else, and would NEVER break up with me again! He said he loved me, and wanted to be with me forever! He said I was the girl he was looking for, but that he just has a hard time admitting his feelings, and a harder time committing.

Well the next few months were up and down. Some days I would feel loved, other days I wouldn't. I wanted to know once and for all his true feelings for me! He said he wished he could take back his "I love you". Not because he didn't mean it, but because he wanted to wait until he was engaged to say it. But he also said "we should break up" every once in a while. He never said he hated me, though.

My family also isn't fond of him, but they've never really liked any guy I brought home so this was nothing new. But Dan hated going to my parents house because he felt so hated. He was literally scared of being rejected right to his face. My family is jewish, he isn't. I think that had a lot to do with it. He honestly never liked my family, and they never liked him. That was a big problem.

Anyway, last month my grandfather was on his death bed. My family was there, and I asked Dan to come with me. He said no, so I let him stay at my house. 2 days later, my grandfather passed away, and it REALLY upset me that he didn't go. He told me he wanted to, but was afraid of my whole family being there... most of which he hasn't met... but he assumed they would hate him and not want him around. He cried for a few days after that. He also said he was a changed man, but didn't specifically tell me what that meant.

This month, I was upset everyday. I wasn't sure of his true feelings for me. I broke up with him, and asked for space. He told me he was shocked, and that this came out of nowhere. He said he wanted to move in with me when his lease was up in March, and even propose next year. I didn't believe him right away, but his Mother (who I called right after) told me that he shared those same thoughts with her.

Why didn't he talk to me about any of this? Why did he discuss it with his family but not with me? He even bought an engagement ring! I had no idea about any of this. Apparently he was ready to move in with me, and propose over the Summer.

Sooo... we've been on a break for quite some time now. What should I do? :<

Allison,
You should take this opportunity and think really hard whether this is the kind of man you'd be willing to spend a lifetime with. In your short post, you mentioned several times you didn't know where you stood and what he felt. He said he was a changed man, yet he doesn't/can't say why. It seems to me there is a fundamental break down in communication. Also, however strained his relationship might have been with your family, he should have been by your side at your grandfather's funeral. End of story. We can never really know how someone will react to any given situation in the future, but past behavior is often a good predictor. He should have been a man, sucked it up, and been by your side, damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. He didn't exhibit a lot of character, and that in my book is a red flag. Hard time committing? Another flag. Plenty of people have a tough time committing--I am one of them. But I work on it, internally, and if I can't get past a hurdle with someone, I let go. I'm not going to waste my time or someone else's, much less advertise the fact that I have commitment issues. I am not even going to address the ridiculuous "I wish I had taken back my 'I love you' situation because seriously, that's a big slap in the face to you and I am angry on your behalf.

I also don't like this "I'm not feeling it" business. What? He comes back to you because he hasn't found anyone better suited for him? I know this sounds harsh, but both of you seem to be just making do--until something better comes along, for either one. And WHEN that happens, it won't be pretty.

Just because someone wants to marry you doesn't mean they are a good match. I am sure there will be plenty of men who will entertain that idea with you. Just be careful, take your time, and make a decision you are comfortable with. I think you already have your answer, but we all know that admitting something out loud and putting it into effect is much harder than it sounds.

You guys should break up once in a while?. ok...

... where can I find a girl that's willing to sleep with me for a while, and when I get bored.. I can sleep with someone else for a while... and then come back to her..

Any takers? No? OK. That's prolli because that's an insane idea. Yeah.

This guy sounds like a d-bag. Find a guy that'll love you, and keep loving you. Guys like that exist. Really. And there are also guys out there that'll fight to keep you, no matter what the family says.

You could benefit by premarital counseling in which all of these facts are on the table. My suggestion is zero contact for 90 days, a reassessment of your feelings, and trying to start over. Ordinarily I would say you have already had a beginning and an end, but you have expressed some unanswered questions.

He may as well marry you, since you can't say no to him. Young lady, if you have learned nothing learn this, You have never been single more than a month. That tells me that through your confusion and feelings, you are not one to be alone. This also tells me that you are not in love at all, but dependent on a man to be happy and secure. Not exactly my idea of marriage material, but the killer is after playing make up to break up, a few times all of a sudden its time to get married? That you were shocked indicates, you never conceived of it and now you are because he has told his mama. Again, the idea of being with someone is overiding your good sense at this time. Say no, not now, and take time to get to know and love, the single, alone YOU! Before you get locked into something, you give no indication of feeling.

You know what's hard, is that this guy donates so much of his free time and money to less fortunate people, yet nothing of the same to me. He grew up poor and from a broken home. He always gives what he can to help people. I once saw him give all he could to a poor Amish family up where I live. He has such a big heart. There's nobody I know that volunteers so much of his time to help people, yet gives me nothng in return, yet I've earned it!

The only problem is that he doesn't show the same courtsey to me! Why does he go out of hs way to help a complete stranger, but not for me? Even if he was slightly attached, shouldn't he be giving more time to me to help me with my problems? I deserve respect! I deserve emotions and caring! This guy doesn't show me a damned thing in return!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

you guys should break up once in a while? ...ok...

...where can i find a girl that's willing to sleep with me for a while, and when i get bored..i can sleep with someone else for a while...and then come back to her...?

any takers? no? ok. that's prolli because that's an insane idea. yeah.

this guy sounds like a d-bag. find a guy that'll love you, and keep loving you. guys like that exist. really. and there are also guys out there that'll fight to keep you, no matter what the family says.

He's never had sex with anyone else since we've been together. Nothing more than a kiss. I've seen his myspace messages, so I know he's not lying to me. He said now-a-days he can't even talk to another girl without feeling guilty about it. He used to though,

He may be a good guy, but you need more than just to be eye candy. I'm just glad you see that as a mate, he will leave you wanting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I'm just glad you see that as a mate he will leave you wanting.

Im sorry, could I just have a small explination as to what you mean by this? Ty!

Shortly after I ended things with Dan, I met someone. I didn't plan it and I wasn't looking for a relationship, because I'm not even close to being over Dan. But despite all that I really feel like there is a potential for a future with this guy, and I need to see where it may lead!

I think a more fundamental issue to be addressed is your constant need to be with someone. This isn't healthy and if you can't be happy by yourself you'll never be happy with someone else. At this point I really have to question your feelings for Dan ; is it him or just the idea of being with someone? Ultimately what your family thinks isn't important but I know that Jews tend to be endogamous in that regard and it's relatively rare for a Jew to marry a non-Jew. Your family's apparent reservations may be raising red flags in Dan's eyes. Anyway, in all honesty I really think you need to be alone for a while and not be with anybody. Learn to love and live with yourself before you expect someone else to do so.