Ask Me Help Desk - Just trying to handle a brand new fragile situation.

I've been with my boyfriend and father of my child for about 5 1/2 years now. My story is about my bf's father. This man is someone that I would never wish to be with any woman but unfortunately my bf's loving, caring mother is the one that is with him. I wish she would just leave but she doesn't have enough confidence. This man never comes home on the weekends and occasionally comes home on the weekdays. My boyfriend was raised as an only child but between him and I, especially since his dad was never home, we would always joke around about him having brothers and sisters somewhere out there. The sad thing is... this came about to be true about 4 months ago. My boyfriend is 23 and he found out he has two sisters 24 and 22 and also a brother 19. It's unbelieveable but believeable that this can come about because this means that his dead beat dad was screwing around before and after he was married as well as before and after my boyfriend was born.

So with that being said... I'm already so angry with his dad... I know it's not really my problem but I sympathize for his mom which still does not know. But my main issue is trying to be able to adjust to my boyfriend having siblings. He never knew about them but they all knew about him from a very young age and have been extremely excited to meet him so there is a lot of pressure on him. At first he didn't want to meet them until his dad told his mom and now he's had a change of heart. It was nice with him being the only child that way there was never anyone to jugde me. I have all sorts of terrible stories that have to do with relationships with in-laws and I don't want that to be me. It's going to be especially hard because even though I am the one that's been in his life longer than these "new" siblings... they are still blood... and blood is always thicker than water. Anyway, just asking for advice to help cope with the situation. There is so much to say but I don't want to bore anyone with more details.

I can understand his not wanting to meet them until his mom knows because once he meets them then his mother will feel even more betrayed if and when she finds out.
You are right that her not leaving him isn't your problem mainly because there isn't anything you can do about it without having people end up turning against you.
It is up to your boyfriend if and when he decides to meet them all you can do is be supportive to him.

Even if you try and convince her to leave it would end up turning people against you no matter how bad the situation. If she brings up to you that she wants to leave ask her questions and tell her you will do whatever you can to help her when she decides to leave but don't say things like "yeah you need to leave him" and "he is no good" cause I have seen many times where a girlfriend or wife goes back to the guy and then hates you for bad mouthing him.

Just curious: how do you know your bf's siblings are so excited to meet him? Though they are 'family', there are no shared experiences between your boyfriend and the others. There doesn't appear to be much to be concerned about. What else?

Quote:

Originally Posted by George_1950

Just curious: how do you know your bf's siblings are so excited to meet him? Though they are 'family', there are no shared experiences between your bf and the others. There doesn't appear to be much to be concerned about. What else?

Well my boyfriend has been communicating with them via telephone. They have known about him as far back as they can recall even though my boyfriend only had a hunch about them. My concern is that the type of connection with blood being thicker than water... I'm afraid of there one day being conflict with that. Since we are very young... I've just been able to pull my boyfriend away from most things he does that are immature and he's trying to grow up to be a better dad and a better man to me... however... these new siblings have no life path and they seem like they will pull him right back to square one.

I am sympathetic to his Mom's situation; she needs the facts, right? Perhaps you should trust your boyfriend more? Is he mature?

I sympathize with her as well. It's not about trusting my boyfriend it's just... hmm I don't know I actually feel like all the feelings I have sound selfish and even jealous. They are constantly talking to each other. They have nothing really good going on in there lives and I'm tired of him being surrounded by people like that. Now this is family so they will be in his life more so than just friends. I try to be supportive but most of the time when he talks about them I kind of tune him out or half listen to him. I feel it's almost because I resent his dad so much I want to resent them to. I still don't know what a good way to handle this is. I want to be the best person for him, stand by his side and help him in every way so that this goes smoothly. HELP PLEASE!!

No matter what you feel, stay out of this, as something's he must decide for himself. Give love and support but keep silent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Why Am I Here

I've been with my boyfriend and father of my child for about 5 1/2 years now. My story is about my bf's father. This man is someone that I would never wish to be with any woman but unfortunately my bf's loving, caring mother is the one that is with him. I wish she would just leave but she doesn't have enough confidence. This man never comes home on the weekends and occasionally comes home on the weekdays. My bf was raised as an only child but between him and I, especially since his dad was never home, we would always joke around about him having brothers and sisters somewhere out there. The sad thing is...this came about to be true about 4 months ago. My bf is 23 and he found out he has two sisters 24 and 22 and also a brother 19. It's unbelieveable but believeable that this can come about because this means that his dead beat dad was screwing around before and after he was married as well as before and after my bf was born.

So with that being said...I'm already so angry with his dad...I know it's not really my problem but I sympathize for his mom which still does not know. But my main issue is trying to be able to adjust to my bf having siblings. He never knew about them but they all knew about him from a very young age and have been extremely excited to meet him so there is alot of pressure on him. At first he didn't want to meet them until his dad told his mom and now he's had a change of heart. It was nice with him being the only child that way there was never anyone to jugde me. I have all sorts of terrible stories that have to do with relationships with in-laws and I don't want that to be me. It's going to be especially hard because even though I am the one that's been in his life longer than these "new" siblings...they are still blood...and blood is always thicker than water. Anyway, just asking for advice to help cope with the situation. There is so much to say but I don't want to bore anyone with more details.

Meeting family you have never met before is always very strange and especially in these circumstances.
My partner had a child in his 1st marriage but his children in his second marriage never found out about this until their mother died and my partner met me. This was mainly because his 1st wife left him before the child was born and did not tell him until he was being asked to support financially.
Your partner is very lucky he has you behind him.
My partner had a lot of problems at first meeting the son the first few times especially as they don't live near and the sons mother had died. It was his son that made the first contact. There was also the loyalty to his family that he has been father to over all their life.
The 2nd family of four have had problems accepting their father has a new partner and now having another son who already has a family of their own. So of course there is the jealousy factor of them not being first with the grandchildren.
There are still conflicting emotions which are still being dealt with and they are still dependent of their father.
Your partner is lucky that the other siblings are looking forward to meeting each other. It won't be easy because at the back of this is his mother, who has been betrayed and your partner feeling guilty about this meeting his siblings behind his mothers back.
No matter what he chooses it will not be easy, take one day at a time and it will be emotional up and down as the joy is there in meeting new people and guilt because of the circumstances.
I find the father a coward for not being straight with his wife, he is probably waiting for the son to do the dirty work for him because he won't have to deal with the initial anger. If I read it right the father was away a lot so maybe the mother inside herself knows what has happened but does not want to confront her fears and admitting this may have happened.

You will yourself be feeling a lot of mixed emotions as you said you boyfriend is now concentrating on something new in his life and you are put in the background.
Don't be afraid to talk but it is possible in his situation he may not be listening properly.
If you have a good female friend that can listen that helps.
Don't shut yourself off completely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alexanderrh

I find the father a coward for not being straight with his wife, he is probably waiting for the son to do the dirty work for him because he wont have to deal with the initial anger. If I read it right the father was away a lot so maybe the mother inside herself knows what has happened but does not want to confront her fears and admitting this may have happened.

You know I haven't put it in those terms... He is a coward especially because it has been 20+ years. He should have confessed from the get-go. I know for a fact that my boyfriend will not do his dirty work. He was away the majority of the time and you're right, I've tried to talk to his mom about things like that without prying into her business and I do feel like she has some idea of what this man is hiding. I wish I could tell her but it is not my business. I have talked to a close friend of mine... at the same time she was very helpful she said some things that in my mind she is not in a position to say but overall she was helpful. I would rather talk to my boyfriend but for this particular situation I've kept quiet. I honestly want to talk to him but I don't know the right way with out him getting upset with me because this subject is touchy.

Thank you... you've actually been the most helpful anyone has been for this.

Good luck with everything.
Remember even though we know what's going on sometimes we can't change what's happening in other peoples lives we can only change what is happening in our own.
We can either accept or not accept it letting it affect our lives.
We can worry about what is happening to someone but if it is not life threatening and we can't help by calling for emergency help or anything like that then do we need to carry on worrying about it.
1. How many years has he been working away from home
2. If your boyfriend had an inkling of this has happened before he was told maybe the mother knew.
3. If the mother had an inkling why did she not do anything about it. That meant taking charge of her own life.
We make ourselves ill and nervous by worrying too much about someone else than if we wooried about ourselves.
:eek: :(
We can make ourselves unhappy or smile as much as we can.

I have mixed feelings about your situation. Normally I would say emphatically to stay out of someone else's marriage. In this situation though, this man has three other adult children and is introducing his son from his marriage to them and their mother without first discussing it with the son's mother? That is such a huge series of betrayals I can't begin to absorb it all. Now they want you to join in the complicity and keep secrets from her, too. I mean this is not a small thing and the father has chosen to bring you and your boyfriend into the situation by orchestrating this meeting of the children.

In this situation, I would spill the beans. Whether it was my "place" would be irrelevant if someone I loved was being so grossly betrayed and was the last to know about it. My respect for the person who I love would come far, far above any desire to keep a secret for a real A@#$% of a man.