I have a 31 yr old daughter who has developed a hatred for me . She only knows me as a Bi.. ch. Whereas not one of my other family members have ever called me that. I have 2 children and my younger one loves and respects me . There is a lot of history behind the 31 yr old, as I suffered from depression when she was growing up and she was raised by her grandmother who basically put her on a pedistal beyond my reach and allowed her to be disrespectful towards her. She told me once that I slapped her for not eating her hamburger but after trying to remember that incident I do remember her calling me a bit.. before I slapped her which I felt was deserving. But not a mark was put on her as it was a slight slap. It just made me angry to have my 15 yr old at the time call me a bitc.. Now we haven't spoken for over 4 months and her last words to me was that I was a miserable lonely old bit... which hurt like hell. And that was because she had asked if she could keep her plants for her on my porch which would have left me tripping over them and unable to get out my back door so I suggested putting them in my greenhouse, well needless to say that's when those mean words came out. I have tried for several years trying to make things good between us and I just can't do it anymore. My biggest fear is I will die knowing she hates me so much. Any ideas out there on what I should do? Should I let sleeping dogs lie or be the grown up one and try again?

Well will try this again, J9 deleted the other post as I was in the middle of answering it. Quess OP asked question twice, and I picked the wrong one to answer.

So she hates you, you can not make her like you, and have to go on with life. She may never like you, but you need to like yourself. If she will not treat you properly, cut off ocntact unless she does.

So you messed up the past, you can not change it, or make up for it, just live today and tomorrow properly

Of course you should try again. Reallize that she might be using that word a lot more freely against you than you would like when she doesn't get her way. Sounds like she is pretty demanding or manipulative in trying to get her way... Might be that there are some issues going on with her based on the grandmother raising her... any animosities there?

Maybe she is somehow still trying to make you pay for the past?

My mother was a complete B but yet even if I was thinking it I would have never said that to her. My son got mad at me once 'cause I wouldn't let him use my car so he called me crazy. I made him get out of my car and walk home. When he got home I let him know if he ever disrespected me like that again he'd be looking for another place to live. It doesn't matter if she hates you or not, she shouldn't be calling you that and defiantly not in your own house. On the other hand you been letting her get away with it for at least 15 years so you can't expect it to stop now. I would suggest family counseling (if she will go) to work through past issues.

Well chuck I think your right maybe let sleeping dogs lie and get on with my life, as I'm tired of being the mother for a 31 yr old who should try just once to take the initiative to make things better. She probably doesn't want to. She would not go to family counceling as she knows the issues would have to come back on her and she doesn't want to know she may have faults also. She is very demanding and manipulative and she learned these things from both her father and grandmothers tactics but to answer the question, no I do not hate her grandmother after all she helped me raise her. But I'm not in favor with how she did it. The B word is just totally disrepectful and I won't tolerate it anymore thank you all for your support

I believe it is the mothers responsibility to make the initiative of trying to make things better. Obviously there are things that are in the past that she is having a hard time letting go. Trying to push yourself on her, might just make things worse but not making an effort might do more damage. As far as slapping a child in the face, that is not a good situation even if words led up to that, You had no right to hit her. As far as 15 year old. Teenagers can be emotional and if depression actually runs through the family it is possible that your daughter is going through this as well. Was your depression treated properly, was there family counseling. I do believe, that eventually there can be meeting of the minds but it will take love and patience, even if it does seem to take forever.

Your right hitting your child is wrong and I did appologize to her prefusously when she brought it up and the past is the past I can't fix it. Yes I have been and still am being treated for my depression and I never hit my second child after treatment. She does suffer from depression and I have suggested she get into therapy too but she refuses to believe she has any issues that require help, so its in gods hands now I guess. I have as a mother tried so many times and it keeps coming back as I'm the bit.. so I have been hurt so badly from her calling me stupid and ugly and a b that I can't take the initiative anymore abuse is abuse and I can't take it anymore I had enough of that growing up.

While hitting her may be wrong many kids are hit and beaten and still love the parent. Your daughter obviously has deeper issues than thinking you are a B. The greenhouse sounded like a better option so I take it she might even be looking for things to pick about.
She is the one with the attitude and she needs to learn to grow up and deal with things rather than project her miserableness on to you.
I would back off and when she asks why you aren't calling tell her that while you love her you don't see the point in putting yourself in the front line of her attitude against you.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

While hitting her may be wrong many kids are hit and beaten and still love the parent. Your daughter obviously has deeper issues than thinking you are a B. The greenhouse sounded like a better option so I take it she might even be looking for things to pick about.
She is the one with the attitude and she needs to learn to grow up and deal with things rather than project her miserableness on to you.
I would back off and when she asks why you aren't calling tell her that while you love her you don't see the point in putting yourself in the front line of her attitude against you.

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Thank you for that support that made me feel much better. I know I've tried hard with her to show how much I truly care for her and yet she still finds reasons to call me a b... so I think you hit the nail on the head ty

Let the sleeping dog lie. If she can't or won't talk to you respectfully then she doesn't talk to you at all, period.

It's a two way street. Maybe she is getting back what she has dished out. Who knows right? Depression effects everybody not just one person.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Let the sleeping dog lie. If she can't or won't talk to you respectfully then she doesn't talk to you at all, period.

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I agree. Its just hard telling myself its time to let go, but like birds its time for her to leave this nest and wish her the best