Ask Me Help Desk - Ex Girlfriend wants to move back in with kids but were still separate

I have two kids with a girl that has a kid with another man. We split up because of her being unfaithful and many other reasons. I left her and moved a couple of hours away a few months back and haven't been able to see my children as much as I would have liked. She lives with her mother and stepdad. I'm buying a house back where they live and will have a very nice place for the kids to stay. Her mother is kicking her out when I get back in a couple of weeks because of the stress she causes her, and she wants to stay with me with my two kids and her other kid. First of all I am not getting back together with her and I don't want her son living with me either. I don't dislike the kid but he has a father in town and I don't want to be responsible for him. He's more than welcome to stay sometimes but I don't want him living with me and having to care for him all the time. I'm thinking about telling her to tell his dad to make room for him to move into his place, and letting her rent a room for really cheap in my home so she can get out in a couple of months. The only stipulations are her son live with his dad while she stays with me and her not bringing anything besides her bed and her clothes so if she doesn't have a job and can't get her own place in a couple of months, I want to be able to get her out hassle free. I love her but I'm not in Love with her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her but she takes advantage of every situation she gets into. Should I let her move in for a couple of months or tell her no? I want my children to be able to stay with me and I don't want to pay her child support anymore because she doesn't deserve it. The money doesn't go to the kids, it goes to drugs a lot of times. Can anyone put this into perspective for me?

No way!! She better get her act together. You make it sound simple and logical, but it can never work with you two under the same roof. You couldn't live together in the first place, so what has changed? I think your asking for trouble, and getting rid of her, and her drugs a second time is just too much. Keep your child, but leave this female to get her own thing going. Sorry, but I can see no good coming, with her back in your life, and that's essentially what will happen. If she doesn't work who pays her rent? I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. Let her help herself, and you have the child.

Well you see I left her in the old house we lived in and didn't help her with any of the bills even though I should have. I did this because she would leave at midnight, and not get home till 7 or 9 am. Sometimes she wouldn't come home at all and she would go straight to work from there. A handful of times she was so messed up, she didn't even go to work and that's why she lost two of her jobs. So I was really angry at her and I just left and said she can deal with the bills herself. I feel bad about this now. That's the reason her mom wants to kick her out of the house, because she's causing lots of stress in her new marriage. Her mom loves her grandchildren but doesn't want to raise them. I understand this so I'm getting a house where they'll have their own rooms. She'll leave while the kids are asleep at her moms, and not come back till later that night if at all. She calls me selfish for leaving and says I abandoned them but I knew they would stay at her mothers. I'm 24 and I have two little boys. I will be the first to say I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying and I don't want to be away from my boys any longer. I feel like I'm not the good guy here either for leaving and I don't want to make myself sound like the angel that's coming back to mend everything and make life perfect but I'm in a SITUATION. So I really shouldn't let her stay a while?

Why should you help her with the bills.. she could have easily moved out of the old house, gotten a smaller apartment where she could have handled the bills easier.

I dated a girl like this back when I was a freshmen in college... she sucked at school, she barely worked, and when we moved in together (I know... stupid)... all she did all day was get on the internet, go out with her friends, and just... do... nothing. Never worked. Never went to class. Never paid the bills. Nothing. After 6 months, I kicked her out. She moved back in with her parents.

Got to give them "the fear" to get their act together. She's not your responsibility. The kids are, she isn't.

Oh and the child support doesn't go to drugs and alcohol every time. She does pay her bills when she can. She gets drugs for free a lot of times and alcohol too. I'm not condoning this and I don't drink or anything but I wanted to set that a little more straight because I'm not trying to make myself sound like a saint in this situation.

How... do you get drugs free?. tell her to give me a call? Not, for me... just for resale.

As I said. She's not your responsibility. The kids are. She isn't. She's technically an adult. She can do whatever she wants with her life. Seeing as you two aren't together anymore... she makes her choices, she lives with them. I know it may be hard to accept that as you still love her, but, trying to take care of her only hurts you more.

I wouldn't let her move in. Fight to get custody of your kids ; that'll avoid you having to pay child support. Come up with as much evidence of her drug use as you can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by blstbeatrge

Well you see I left her in the old house we lived in and didn't help her with any of the bills even though I should have. I did this because she would leave at midnight, and not get home till 7 or 9 am. Sometimes she wouldn't come home at all and she would go straight to work from there. A handful of times she was so messed up, she didn't even go to work and thats why she lost two of her jobs. So I was really angry at her and I just left and said she can deal with the bills herself. I feel bad about this now. Thats the reason her mom wants to kick her out of the house, because she's causing lots of stress in her new marriage. Her mom loves her grandchildren but doesn't want to raise them. I understand this so I'm getting a house where they'll have their own rooms. She'll leave while the kids are asleep at her moms, and not come back till later that night if at all. She calls me selfish for leaving and says I abandoned them but I knew they would stay at her mothers. I'm 24 and I have two little boys. I will be the first to say I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying and I don't want to be away from my boys any longer. I feel like I'm not the good guy here either for leaving and I don't want to make myself sound like the angel thats coming back to mend everything and make life perfect but I'm in a SITUATION. So I really shouldn't let her stay a while?

Don't let her stay. And don't feel bad for leaving ; you did the right thing. Next time just make sure you take the kids with you and let her deal with what's left. Otherwise you'll only end up enabling her.

Thanks for all the replies. Her family and her are looking at me as an awful person but I think her mom and stepdad just want to boot her off on me so they don't have to deal with her anymore. I guess I shouldn't let her move in then. This is going to be a rough battle. I wish I didn't have to take her to court and we could work it out responsibly ourselves. I appreciate all replies but I would also like a woman's point of view if any are reading. Thanks everyone.

There is no negotiating, or helping a drunk, dope head, who rather get zonked than take care of their responsibility. Your doing her a favor letting her get the reality of her situation, by staying away from her, and getting your kid.

A lot of individuals will not change if people continue to cater to them, and always come to their rescue. She needs to deal with the issues she has at hand and get a job to help support the children she has. It takes two to be a parent! I would suggest you try to get custody of the children and allow her time to get her life back in order. If her own mom wants her out then she is obviously still causing a lot of trouble, so it will not change if she moves in with you. If anything, the two of you will be fighting a lot and that is something the children do not need to be involved in or hear on a regular basis. The feeling I'm getting from you is that you feel some kind of guilt... understandable but you must remember that she needs to have some responsibility as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by blstbeatrge

I have two kids with a girl that has a kid with another man. We split up because of her being unfaithful and many other reasons. I left her and moved a couple of hours away a few months back and haven't been able to see my children as much as I would have liked. She lives with her mother and stepdad. I'm buying a house back where they live and will have a very nice place for the kids to stay. Her mother is kicking her out when I get back in a couple of weeks because of the stress she causes her, and she wants to stay with me with my two kids and her other kid. First of all I am not getting back together with her and I don't want her son living with me either. I don't dislike the kid but he has a father in town and I don't want to be responsible for him. He's more than welcome to stay sometimes but I don't want him living with me and having to care for him all the time. I'm thinking about telling her to tell his dad to make room for him to move into his place, and letting her rent a room for really cheap in my home so she can get out in a couple of months. The only stipulations are her son live with his dad while she stays with me and her not bringing anything besides her bed and her clothes so if she doesn't have a job and can't get her own place in a couple of months, I want to be able to get her out hassle free. I love her but I'm not in Love with her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her but she takes advantage of every situation she gets into. Should I let her move in for a couple of months or tell her no? I want my children to be able to stay with me and I don't want to pay her child support anymore because she doesn't deserve it. The money doesn't go to the kids, it goes to drugs a lot of times. Can anyone put this into perspective for me?

I talked to her today and told her I didn't want her living with me. sunnyMI, you are exactly right. I feel guilty. Her stepdad is abusive to my kids and hers. I really want all of them out of the abusive situation so I am getting my kids out now. I don't want her and her kid to be there either so were looking for a place for her now too. I'm thinking about asking her to sign the kids over to me and let them live with me. I won't keep them from her ever. She can see them every day if she likes. If she doesn't agree to that then I'll get a lawyer and get it done that way. I don't like having the courts decide things about my children's lives. But if I have to I will. I have a huge battle coming up. Thanks everyone.