Ask Me Help Desk - What next.

It's a potboiler story. But then since I come from India, it is possible that such things happen here. Keep that in mind when you read ahead.

I met him 2 years back, everything was a bed of roses till we got around to talking about getting married. In India, getting married without your parents permission is still a novelty (I'm not saying we live in the stone age, but customs and traditions are a BIG thing).

So he talks to his folks. They say no. I'm from a different caste, and since he dared to fall in love, {his father and the whole family has ego the size of Eiffel Tower }(and only 30% of those who fall in love get married to the same person, rest are forced to marry someone their parents have chosen. The statistic is made up, but just to give you and idea)
They vehemently opposed, and opposed for the next 8 months. And he kept fighting, kept pleading our case to them. Still no!
He pleaded to all the elders in the family. If he married me, his whole family would be banished, shunned, outcasted from the community, not to mention anything that would go wrong would be blamed on me.
And they wanted him to see the girls they liked for him. The fights went on back and forth.

Finally he got tired of fighting and he gave up. Within 5 days of his giving up his decision to his family, they got him engaged and in 3 days he got married to someone he doesn't' know.
She was an orphan so her uncle was in a hurry to get her off his expense list.
So he's married to this orphan who can't leave him and go. She has no where to go. They're not on talking terms, they sleep in separate rooms, yet they live as husband and wife for the sake of that term.

And all this so that he could say that he did his duties as a son. That he didn't abandon his family. His mother had threatened to commit suicide if he didn't marry the girl. To this day, if his wife knows he's talking to me, she calls his mother and his mother begins another round of wailing and cursing her womb for giving birth to a son like him.

And I still love him. He is still in love with me. We talk on the phone. But I can't move ahead. He still says he needs me as his strength. I love him too much to walk away.

I even have my answer, but I need to hear it. Maybe rudely or nicely. I don't know why I can't walk away from him.
He didn't cheat, I didn't cheat. Our love didn't die. Now where do I go from here.

I know I will meet some one better, but how do I kill all the feelings I still have for him.
I still care a load for him.

Will being friends with him hurt? Should I completely sever relations? Even the thought of not talking to him gives me an ache, a vacuum inside my heart.

Would love some advice

This sounds like a love story you hear in the movies in a depressing sort of way. I truly feel for you in this situation and I hope I help.

Can I ask one question, what did your parents say to the marriage to him?

This reminds me though about in North America parent - in - laws who try to break up a marriage because they didn't like who their daughter or son married. If a parent can see that generally the marriage they dislike are happy together, they should put aside their opinions and let the couple be happy together. Most of the time though, they put their noses where they shouldn't and create misery.

Freewill is a big thing. If your guy truly wanted to be with you, truly wanted you to both be happy together, truly wanted a life with just you. He should have agreed to his family, "okay, you won't accept my future wife, than you don't accept me as your son. " Picked you up and made a life with each other. Maybe, you wouldn't of had his family in his life anymore but it would have been the right decision. I know it sounds easier than actually making the decision in shutting out his family but it's about freewill.

I agree with crista about the in-laws... but I'm asian, and although our tradition is a bit less strict than that of india's... I know where gal from india's coming from.

I'm not "allowed" to marry a non-asian... seriously. People think I'm crazy... but it's true. If I do, then it brings "shame" to the family...

In asian/indian (I know india's in asia... but just for emphasis) cultures, marriage isn't an act of two people who are in love, but more along the lines of a union of two families. Rich families marry rich families to keep the wealth + power. Something like that. We try to keep our cultural bloodlines (and sometimes financial bloodlines) strong by marrying those who are within our culture/caste.

Granted, I have dated many non-asians before... but when it comes to marriage, I should NOT marry a non-asian. Sorry ladies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crista

This sounds like a love story you hear in the movies in a depressing sort of way. I truly feel for you in this situation and I hope I help.

Can I ask one question, what did your parents say to the marriage to him?

.

My parents were OK with it even before meeting him. They were even ready to help out financially for us to set up our house in case his parents threw us out..
Thanks Crista. I just needed someone to listen to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

i agree with crista about the in-laws...but i'm asian, and although our tradition is a bit less strict than that of india's...i know where gal from india's coming from.

i'm not "allowed" to marry a non-asian...seriously. people think i'm crazy...but it's true. if i do, then it brings "shame" to the family...

in asian/indian (i know india's in asia...but just for emphasis) cultures, marriage isn't an act of two people who are in love, but more along the lines of a union of two families. rich families marry rich families to keep the wealth + power. something like that. we try to keep our cultural bloodlines (and sometimes financial bloodlines) strong by marrying those who are within our culture/caste.

granted, i have dated many non-asians before...but when it comes to marriage, i should NOT marry a non-asian. sorry ladies.

I understand where your coming from but why live life like you are owned by your family. It almost sounds like slavery to me.

I know cultures are taught to us while we grow up and it seems normal but if someone told me I couldn't love and be with my partner anymore, it would be a nightmare. I feel sorry for people who have no freewill.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gal From India

My parents were ok with it even before meeting him. They were even ready to help out financially for us to set up our house in case his parents threw us out..
Thanks Crista. I just needed someone to listen to me.

Your Welcome! I hope you can move on somehow. You deserve a man who will cherish you!
:D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crista

I understand where your coming from but why live life like you are owned by your family. It almost sounds like slavery to me.

I know cultures are taught to us while we grow up and it seems normal but if someone told me I couldn't love and be with my partner anymore, it would be a nightmare. I feel sorry for people who have no freewill.

Crista, that's what happens in Asia/india. You are supposed to repay the debt to your parents by doing what they ask of you. They've raised you, fed you clothed you, educated you, so in return you have to sacrifice your love and future life on their whims and fancy.
The official explanation given is that they know better, they're more experienced in matters such as this, and we're too immature to decide what we want!

I always say, since they had arranged marriages, they take out that angst on the next generation. And the cycle just goes on. I hope someone has the guts to break it.

To put it simple, your guy is now the husband of another woman!
That is a BIG RED FLAG, my dear. No matter how much u love him or how much he loves u, there are signs that u cannot pursue further. And this sign is that marriage vow.

If deep in your heart u are wishing for him to divorce his wife or to have him runaway with u to an unknown land... then I think u really need to wake up. It is already such a pain for him to live up to the expectations of others to be a good son. If he divorces, remarries, or elopes... what will the society think of him. Worse... what will the society thinks of u?

U may think that u do not care what others say, but if u really love him... spare him this torture. In fact, you should learn to let go so that he can start treating his wife right. You know u can find someone better or someone who is just as good as this man. So cut all contacts with him now and start towards your new goal.

P.S. Yes, being friends with him WILL hurt. Both u, him, his family, his wife. Be smart, gal.

I get the point move out. But (isn't there always a but) he's drinking like a fish, trying to drown the fact that there is another woman in his house.

I can't let him drink himself to his death. Am I still stupid caring for him??
He's lost all hope of a future, his career is going downhill...
I'm still confused.
I feel I should take a hike to another continent to get away from this mess!

He chose to play by the rules, and he has to live up to it. He is no longer available to you, and unless you accept that you can't help him, then you will only share his misery and pain. Seek your own happiness without him. Not a lot of choices, I know.

He has made a choice to go the path of least resistance. As long as you are an option that he would have liked to have taken or still could, that pain will be with him. It is ultimately his decision, but who knows if he would continue to drink or not if he chose you instead of the other woman. If the two of you decide to get together, you'll do so without his family... You staying in the picture won't make his decision any easier, but for his sake I hope he decides soon, and that you won't keep tempting him. It seems as if he made the decision already, and now has that temptation from you... right or wrong, he may have made a mistake or feel that he has, but he has to decide what to do soon or it will only be misery for both of you... if he can't decide, then you should decide for yourself to let him go. You don't need a man who won't commit 100 percent to you...

I am slowly resigning myself to the fact that he didn't chose me. He chose a girl who he'd met 4 times, only because his family pressured him to. What if I was married to him, he still would have been a puppet in his family's hands.
Today the woman he chose to marry, is the darling of his family and she and his family pull the strings on him.
They went on a honeymoon, and they are in separate room, only so that she could tell everyone they went on a honeymoon.
No matter how many excuses I make, the fact is fact... He is married to someone else.
His Loss I must say!
Just one more thing, I have a pal who's already started hitting on me, because he too broke up.
And I don't want a rebound at this time.
How do you know when a rebound's good and when it's a bad idea?

I am not going to ruminate over my ex-bf's fate. He chose that road himself. It's his misery now.

Thanks all you guys! And gals!

In my opinion, a rebound is never a good idea. Yes, he may eventually be the love of your life, but the fact that you two met WHILE you were thinking of someone else... just doesn't seem to work ever.

If he is interested in you, keep it light and keep it shallow until you can get over your current guy. Once you are over the current one and ready to move on, and the new one's still available, good for you.

You'll know when your ready to move on. When your healthy, it won't be a rebound.