Ask Me Help Desk - Another man has stolen my daughter

I am the divorced father of 3 children ( girl 16, boy 15, and girl 12 ) see my previous post "parental alienation 10/4/07". About 10 months ago, my ex allowed another man, the Sunday school teacher of my 12 yr old daughter, to take over my role in her life. In the last ten months he has dominated her life. He has taken her to her ball practices and ballgames; he takes her to movies and out to eat (alone); she goes to his home and stays overnight (he is married by the way); he goes to her home just to hang out and spend time with her; he has gone to her parent/teacher conferences at school; he sees her almost on a daily basis and has essentially became her surrogate Dad. He has only assumed this role with her and not my other two kids who are teenagers and don't seem to need or want his attention. Since he has assumed this role, I have on two occasions expressed to him my concern and asked him to back off and he has refused. He says he was "called by God" to offer his love and support to my daughter and he takes orders from no man. My daughter and I have always been very close, even after the divorce yet, in the last 10 months she has refused to see me or communicate with me. I have discussed this with my two older kids and they too think it is very odd relationship and disapprove. My ex however does approve of it and says he has been a blessing to them. I did some research on pedophiles and found he meets many of the criteria. I called DSS and they said there was nothing they could do unless he does molest her. I am incredulous. This man has and continues to block me from having a relationship with my daughter, yet there seems to be nothing I can legally do about it... Can anyone offer any suggestions?

I would consult an attorney. If you have joint custody and court ordered visitation, you may be able to force some intervention here. While you can't force your daughter to participate in the visitation, you may be able to get some psychological evaluation of her.

I agree this guy is sick. Some may object to this but In my opinion anyone who claims he was called by God to become a surrogate parent has a screw loose. I wouldn't be too quick to call it pedophilia though.

You might also try speaking to the Sunday School administration and see what they think about this odd behaviour.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NCDad

I am the divorced father of 3 children ( girl 16, boy 15, and girl 12 ) see my previous post "parental alienation 10/4/07". About 10 months ago, my ex allowed another man, the Sunday school teacher of my 12 yr old daughter, to take over my role in her life. In the last ten months he has dominated her life. He has taken her to her ball practices and ballgames; he takes her to movies and out to eat (alone); she goes to his home and stays overnight (he is married by the way); he goes to her home just to hang out and spend time with her; he has gone to her parent/teacher conferences at school; he sees her almost on a daily basis and has essentially became her surrogate Dad. He has only assumed this role with her and not my other two kids who are teenagers and don't seem to need or want his attention. Since he has assumed this role, I have on two occasions expressed to him my concern and asked him to back off and he has refused. He says he was "called by God" to offer his love and support to my daughter and he takes orders from no man. My daughter and I have always been very close, even after the divorce yet, in the last 10 months she has refused to see me or communicate with me. I have discussed this with my two older kids and they too think it is very odd relationship and disapprove. My ex however does approve of it and says he has been a blessing to them. I did some research on pedophiles and found he meets many of the criteria. I called DSS and they said there was nothing they could do unless he does molest her. I am incredulous. This man has and continues to block me from having a relationship with my daughter, yet there seems to be nothing I can legally do about it.....Can anyone offer any suggestions?

Thanks ScottGem. I have joint "legal" custody and the ex has primary physical custody. I had no other choice than to settle for this after a nasty (year long) custody battle in which the kids ultimately declared they would not be made to do anything and would not adhere to any set visitation schedule. As it is, visitation with me is at their discretion. My attorney as well as DSS advised there was nothing I could do since the ex approved of this relationship. As I have learned from experience, anything I do to force anything (i.e. counseling) is used against me (look what your dad is putting you through now, he doesn't love you).

Joint custody, with no set visitation schedule?? You need a GOOD lawyer, that ain't supposed to happen and I can't believe you signed that. That's where the corrections need to start.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NCDad

I am the divorced father of 3 children ( girl 16, boy 15, and girl 12 ) see my previous post "parental alienation 10/4/07". About 10 months ago, my ex allowed another man, the Sunday school teacher of my 12 yr old daughter, to take over my role in her life. In the last ten months he has dominated her life. He has taken her to her ball practices and ballgames; he takes her to movies and out to eat (alone); she goes to his home and stays overnight (he is married by the way); he goes to her home just to hang out and spend time with her; he has gone to her parent/teacher conferences at school; he sees her almost on a daily basis and has essentially became her surrogate Dad. He has only assumed this role with her and not my other two kids who are teenagers and don't seem to need or want his attention. Since he has assumed this role, I have on two occasions expressed to him my concern and asked him to back off and he has refused. He says he was "called by God" to offer his love and support to my daughter and he takes orders from no man. My daughter and I have always been very close, even after the divorce yet, in the last 10 months she has refused to see me or communicate with me. I have discussed this with my two older kids and they too think it is very odd relationship and disapprove. My ex however does approve of it and says he has been a blessing to them. I did some research on pedophiles and found he meets many of the criteria. I called DSS and they said there was nothing they could do unless he does molest her. I am incredulous. This man has and continues to block me from having a relationship with my daughter, yet there seems to be nothing I can legally do about it.....Can anyone offer any suggestions?

**Update**
Last March (07), the ex allowed another man to take up with my 12 yr old (11 at the time) daughter . He was her Sunday School teacher. He essentially became her Dad. He took her to and from ball practice, attended her ball games and was with her almost daily.I have since learned he was even picking her up from school and taking her back to his home. He was allowed to take her home after church on Sundays where she would spend the afternoon. He and his WIFE became very close with the ex and my kids. Against my approval, the ex allowed my 15 yr old daughter to carry on a dating relationship with his 20 yr old son. The two families went on several vacations together. I voiced my disapproval of the man's inappropriate relationship (with my 12 yr old daughter) to the ex, but she said he had been a blessing to them and how dare me to object. I confronted him twice and asked him to back off. He refused, he said he had been called by God to this minsitry and if I had a problem with it I would have to take it up with God. I called DSS and reported this inappropriate relationship and was told nothing could be done as long as the mother approved. Several people from the church and community confronted both my ex and this man about the relationship, but they ignored the warnings. My ex's own mother and my other two children voiced their concern and dissaproval of the relationship with no results. Two weeks ago my 12 yr old daughter finally admitted this man (who is 49 yrs old) had been sexually molesting her. He had raped her four times. He was arrested and is now in jail. My twelve yr old had been so brainwashed, she felt she had done nothing wrong. When interviewed by the authorities, she said he was her boy friend, they were in love and they were going to get married when she got old enough. There is also evidence that he was planning to kidnap her and take her to Texas and have her name changed. All of this transpired while my ex was supposed to be in charge of my children. She in fact promoted the relationship and refused to see what were obvious huge red flags to everyone else. I am still not allowed to see my daughter even since this came out. I talked to her for maybe 30 seconds on the phone, she refused to see me or talk to me. Is there anyone out there with any advice? I have seen several lawyers, but they all have said I am on shaky legal ground to try and go after the ex for neglect since she was not the perpetrater... Please, I need help!

Whatever it takes, get your daughter into therapy. Then go to your district attorney. Sorry for your circumstances.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NCDad

**Update**
Last March (07), the ex allowed another man to take up with my 12 yr old (11 at the time) daughter . He was her Sunday School teacher. He essentially became her Dad. He took her to and from ball practice, attended her ball games and was with her almost daily.I have since learned he was even picking her up from school and taking her back to his home. He was allowed to take her home after church on Sundays where she would spend the afternoon. He and his WIFE became very close with the ex and my kids. Against my approval, the ex allowed my 15 yr old daughter to carry on a dating relationship with his 20 yr old son. The two families went on several vacations together. I voiced my disapproval of the man's inappropriate relationship (with my 12 yr old daughter) to the ex, but she said he had been a blessing to them and how dare me to object. I confronted him twice and asked him to back off. He refused, he said he had been called by God to this minsitry and if I had a problem with it I would have to take it up with God. I called DSS and reported this inappropriate relationship and was told nothing could be done as long as the mother approved. Several people from the church and community confronted both my ex and this man about the relationship, but they ignored the warnings. My ex's own mother and my other two children voiced their concern and dissaproval of the relationship with no results. Two weeks ago my 12 yr old daughter finally admitted this man (who is 49 yrs old) had been sexually molesting her. He had raped her four times. He was arrested and is now in jail. My twelve yr old had been so brainwashed, she felt she had done nothing wrong. When interviewed by the authorities, she said he was her boy friend, they were in love and they were going to get married when she got old enough. There is also evidence that he was planning to kidnap her and take her to Texas and have her name changed. All of this transpired while my ex was supposed to be in charge of my children. She in fact promoted the relationship and refused to see what were obvious huge red flags to everyone else. I am still not allowed to see my daughter even since this came out. I talked to her for maybe 30 seconds on the phone, she refused to see me or talk to me. Is there anyone out there with any advice? I have seen several lawyers, but they all have said I am on shaky legal ground to try and go after the ex for neglect since she was not the perpetrater....Please, I need help!

NCDad, do you really care about treading on legal groud? I mean do you? You don't get to talk to her already, so what is it going to hurt, I would tread till I found my way out of this mess. ;) Go after her in a loving peaceful way that makes her feel comfortable. I could only imagine how she is feeling after now everyone knows about this awful man. When you go to pick up the other kids, she does not come with you? Or what is that situation?
When and how do you get to see the kids? Is her mother crazy or did she really just NOT understand that these were signs of a wacko? I am so sorry, I am just really sorry. I say talk to as many people as you can till they give you good ideas to get you and your daughter healthy again. Counseling would be the best thing right now but you say you can't even get her to talk to you... I suppose that is something you and your ex-wife need to work on. Maybe you can take her out to lunch and tell her (not yell at her or get angry), but just talk, tell her you need your daughter and understand that you need her help to make things right again with your daughter... what do you think about that?

1. I don't get to see any of my kids, the ex has successfully alienated them from me. Yet I live no more than 200 yards away from them.

2. The ex is a psychopath who is all about manipulation and control. You can not talk to her, you can not reason with her at all. She needs to be committed.

Ok, now that we got those questions out of the way... Time to tread on shaky ground... huh?
Talk to a lawyer that will be willing to do that, I would love for you to make a list of EVERYTHING you know form the beginning of your marriage to the end and so forth... the kids, how she was with everyone, how she is now... time to get busy, you have to be the bigger, smarter, stronger one here. She has made a hell for you but there just has to be a way out. Let's try and find it.;)
Start your list and get it all organized so when you present it, some one will take your case. I am not sure about the laws, but maybe you out of just go file for full custody...
Unless it is too late it is worth looking into.

NCDad,
I am completely shocked after reading your ordeal and I feel your pain, for real!I am in the middle of trying to see my daughter after not speaking for 6 years and not seeing her for 10 years.

Ex-psychopaths use our kids as tools to break our spirits, to hurt us in every way that we can be hurt, and then pay a pseudo-voluntary mandatory salary to an improperly appointed custodian out of our sweat and tears for the ability to not see our children; ultimately robbing the very innocence of our children. On a human level and as a human being, not being with my daughter deepens the void beyond what human words can describe. I have been living in an altered state of consciousness of pain and emotional anguish without my girl; I merely exist and do not truly live.

If either parent understands really what love is, it must be understood that a child needs the emotional reinforcement and approval (and much more) of both biological parents. As parents we must constantly try to purify ourselves; as ourselves are projected in every act and everything we say. Everything I just mentioned even on the smallest psychological level is educating our children in what they should or shouldn't do, we give them ideas in addition to their own thoughts.

As in my case, the moral anchor has been paid out beyond the line of sight because of what my ex has fed my child. My child's baseline of truth was intentionally shifted away from what is and what was towards a re-fabricated history in such a way that behind the scene, the professional victim became the victimizer. I, through lack of physical presence, have unequivocably become my daughter's source of pain, hate and embarrassment. (physical presence was impossible during periods of being homeless after the military, during the military deployed in another country and having no family for support)

In my experience, life became less about a child's total well-being and more about entitlements & money, vicious emotional paybacks and the obstacles put in place to setback and keep us dedicated to the struggle that has our children in bondage.
I truly feel you pain NCDad - thepurpose

Quote:

Originally Posted by NCDad

I am the divorced father of 3 children ( girl 16, boy 15, and girl 12 ) see my previous post "parental alienation 10/4/07". About 10 months ago, my ex allowed another man, the Sunday school teacher of my 12 yr old daughter, to take over my role in her life. In the last ten months he has dominated her life. He has taken her to her ball practices and ballgames; he takes her to movies and out to eat (alone); she goes to his home and stays overnight (he is married by the way); he goes to her home just to hang out and spend time with her; he has gone to her parent/teacher conferences at school; he sees her almost on a daily basis and has essentially became her surrogate Dad. He has only assumed this role with her and not my other two kids who are teenagers and don't seem to need or want his attention. Since he has assumed this role, I have on two occasions expressed to him my concern and asked him to back off and he has refused. He says he was "called by God" to offer his love and support to my daughter and he takes orders from no man. My daughter and I have always been very close, even after the divorce yet, in the last 10 months she has refused to see me or communicate with me. I have discussed this with my two older kids and they too think it is very odd relationship and disapprove. My ex however does approve of it and says he has been a blessing to them. I did some research on pedophiles and found he meets many of the criteria. I called DSS and they said there was nothing they could do unless he does molest her. I am incredulous. This man has and continues to block me from having a relationship with my daughter, yet there seems to be nothing I can legally do about it.....Can anyone offer any suggestions?

This isn't normal and I agree with your kids I wouldn't approve of this either. Something seems unstable. And have either parent went and maybe got her looked at just to see if she had been touched? I know this sounds weird but I would! As his statement "called by god" I'm sorry but god I don't believe (not that I can say for him) would have him called into ruin a mother daughter relationship and have him OBSESS over this 12 year old girl. She has two parents who both love her two other siblings and I'm assuming she has other family. And where is her social time for friends if she is spending the night and hanging out with this guy? Have you check his background. Its not that much money but if you are that worried I would. I didn't read other posts so I'm not sure anyone has suggested that but I would. And not only I would get a lawyer or at least talk to one and see how they feel about the relationship. 12 is a hard age for most girls but its also the time they need there mother. This makes me uneasy

Thanks for all of the suggestions. I have spoken with several lawyers and have gotten the same feedback from them all. I have a very weak case to try to prove the ex an unfit mother in court simply because my daughter was a victim of a crime. This is in spite of the fact that the ex allowed her to be victimized. I could petition the court to force the ex and children into another round of in depth counseling to explore the parental alienation, but it would be very expensive and I just don't have the financial means to pay for it. It would also add more trauma to the situation and I just don't feel my kids need any more trauma in their lives. Thus my only other option is to continue to do what I have done for the last two years and that is to maintain as much of a presence in their lives as I can and continue to reinforce my love for them and let them know I am here for them.

Forget lawyers, a case like this one is for your district attorney. Just speak with him.