My mother has always been causing problems in the family, she left us as children at christmas time for my fathers brother. All she does in get drunk and call family relatives starting arguments. She has caused so much pain and damage that none of her family talks to her. She only has three daughters left to talk to. I am 24 and have a boyfriend, she found out we had sex and many other things, and she rang my preacher to tell him what I had done! This woman is not a christian and had harassed my dad all practically all his living days because of his religion, yet she felt justified in ringing my preacher to tell on me. She never goes to church, and when I found out my preacher knew I was embarrassed, but I still swallowed the shame and went to church. She ruined another christmas this year, and today sent me a message saying she hopes that there is a passage in the bible to forgive me for hurting others. How is me having a boyfriend hurting others. And what has the Bible got to do with it at all? Not to mention she was drinking wine the day she rang my preacher.. can anyone tell me how to handle her after she doing this to me?

Your mother is an alcoholic and mentally unstable going by your description. All you can do is separate yourself from her as much as you can. Other people will know her for what she is. I'm sorry she is making your life hell.

Love her if you can or do, she is not making the task easy for anyone it seems. She may or may not realize how her actions are driving wedges between herself and others. People who are like that seem to cause their own misery, and then moan about how bad everyone is to them.

It appears that she doesn't have many people around her for which she can pull their strings. She may be doing this to you in an effort to somehow pull you closer to her way of seeing the world.

You basically have two options. Let her do this to you, or separate yourself from her with the knowledge that she will probably continue to try until she understands that her actions have no effect. You'll have to decide what each option will cost you in terms of both physical and mental things. Physical reasons might be any money or support she provides to you, or if there is some inheritance... Mental would include your feelings about what she might say to others about you. She might hook others into her way of thinking so that thry form opinions about you, as part of her antics, but you can choose to listen and respond extensively or only say that the two of you don't share the same views... thus refusing to discuss it with the public.

The bible is apparently her chosen tool, perhaps because she thinks it holds some leverage with you.

She sounds like my mother. She found out I had sex and called the grand dragon of the kkk. Lol When she told him my boyfriend was white (I'm white too)he called her a fruit cake. After years of her doing things like that I just stopped talking to her. Four years later she died and I felt guilty that I didn't try one more time to have a healthy mother daughter relationship with her... it would have never happened. You can't help her, she's got to be willing to help her self. Sometimes you have to forget what you want,even if it hurts and do what's best for you.

Stonewilder, are you black? I'm just trying to figure out why the kkk was your mother's choice?

I like that story, and it does seem that the guy from the kkk made the right diagnosis??

I would have liked to have actually heard that conversation, and seen the looks on people's faces.

I have learned to never burn your bridges but at the same time only bother with her as much as is necessary or as much as you can handle. I can't handle being with my mom more than a few hours a month so that is the most I tend to go around her.
Also don't let her know any of your business since she can't respect your personal life.

You might ask her how she can have the nerve to be a pot calling the kettle black.

My ex was like that always going around spreading exaggerated stories to people about others to make them look bad; yet made his evils come of smelling like roses. I asked him why he makes his crap smell like roses and other peoples roses smell like crap.

Don't be a doormat that is what she expects and why she figures she can pull what she pulls. The Bible never said to be an enabler and that is what you do when you let people get away with things.
Make her own up to the things she pulls. As long as you allow her to by not confronting her she will continue and be in denial that she is in any wrong herself.
I would remind her that she is the one that hurt you and your relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with her. Ask her how she can judge you when she obviously has done the same and hers was done in adultery. Tell her if she wants Bible quoted she won't like it and you can start with the verse about casting the first stone.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I have learned to never burn your bridges but at the same time only bother with her as much as is necessary or as much as you can handle. I can't handle being with my mom more than a few hours a month so that is the most I tend to go around her.
Also don't let her know any of your business since she can't respect your personal life.

You might ask her how she can have the nerve to be a pot calling the kettle black.

My ex was like that always going around spreading exaggerated stories to people about others to make them look bad; yet made his evils come of smelling like roses. I asked him why he makes his crap smell like roses and other peoples roses smell like crap.

Don't be a doormat that is what she expects and why she figures she can pull what she pulls. The Bible never said to be an enabler and that is what you do when you let people get away with things.
Make her own up to the things she pulls. As long as you allow her to by not confronting her she will continue and be in denial that she is in any wrong herself.
I would remind her that she is the one that hurt you and your relationship with your bf has nothing to do with her. Ask her how she can judge you when she obviously has done the same and hers was done in adultery. Tell her if she wants Bible quoted she won't like it and you can start with the verse about casting the first stone.

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I'm not disagreeing with anything you've said but if her mother is like mine was, conversations like this would give my mother a feeling of triumph. I learned that acknowledging her behavior only encouraged her to continue it. It's almost like they have no life of their own so they need to feed off making someone else's life as miserable as possible. I can't even comprehend why anyone would want to alienate everyone who might other wise love them…..?

stonewilder I agree with you but she needs to find some way to get across to her mom that she isn't doing her right and she is the one with the problem. I know many people that as you say find a way to manipulate the problem being you rather than them. If she can't get her mom to own up to things it might be best if she does have somewhere between very little to nothing do with her.

Well, you are in a difficult situation. As much as you love your mother, you can't deal with her behavior. It seems to me that you have a love/hate relationship. You need to confront her. Ask her why she is doing that. Ask her if she is aware that when she is hurting you - she is actually hurting herself. Part of the problem is that she sees some aspect of your personality on her and that drives her crazy. If you don't feel like confronting her, then walk away from her when she gets like that and tell her "I love you Mom, but I can't deal with you like this." Tell her how you feel otherwise, you will be allowing her to hurt you and you can't do that. Take care and don't forget to set boundaries.