I met my husband at our beloved church a year and a half ago. We are both recovering alcoholics/addicts. I had a previous 7 year long relationship with a sex addict and 5 years with a crack/herion user. I've been sober for two years. I hit my bottom a homeless and destitute crack/speed addict living in a broken down van in a Ralphs parking lot. The Lord saved me through my church. I was a singer in my former life and the church lifted me up and put a choir robe on me. I have never known such joy! I have grown enormously in these two years. My husband was thrown in Folsom prison for DUI (4 of them). He says he suffers from alcohol, marijuana and sexual addiction at the Celebrate Recovery meetings we both attend. When we met it seemed like our lives ran in a parallel. We both distroyed our lives around the same time. His prison was Folsom and mine was the van, and we both found salvation around the same time through our church and the Celebrate Recover program. He and I love each other very much. We are best friends. We were married last July at the church where we met, before all of our friends and family. We flew his estranged daughters out from Alabama and his father and step-mother from Tennessee and everyone was so happy for us. Soon after the wedding, (like a week), he started acting funny. Going to take out the trash and never coming back, sitting in his truck for long periods. Then I found my cat playing with a "knot" in the living room. I knew what it was instantly. I've cut off plenty of knots. He didn't know what I was talking about and didn't know what or whose it was. Then I found two more in his change thingy on his dresser. He started losing all kinds of weight. The money started dissappearing and I had to keep transferring money every day into his account to save it from $34.00 overdraft charges. Then I stated checking the cell phone bill. Weird calls. Lots of them - one minute calls to the same number over and over and over. I know what that is because I used to do it. Still he denied and denied. Well, the cat is out of the bag now because I started calling the numbers. There was a woman - oh my Lord the pain of talking to her- but she told me about the cocaine. He couldn't lie anymore. I can't believe my beautiful Christian husband has succumb to this incidious drug. I can't believe that, knowing what landed me in the street, he would bring that stuff into our home. I am beyond knowing what to do, except that I hear the Lord telling me to get out of the way and let him fall. For a couple of days I was driving him to and from work and I changed the pin on his atm card and put all the money in an account he has no access to, but, really, I know this is only a temporary deturrent and it is hurting me more than him. I pretty much know he is not going to stop. He was given a company truck yesterday and a company phone that I have no control over. He's been doing this for 5 months and it all came down last Sunday. 5 days. There is no way its over. I'm so frightened, so hurt, so angry. I loved him and was so proud and happy to marry him. I hadn't been married for 17 years. I'm 50 years old. How much more time do I have to devote to sick men? But I promised him - in sickness and in health. My God - help me! How can I go through this again -- and with THIS MAN?? GOD, PLEASE NOT THIS MAN!! He is a beautiful person and a gentle and kind spirit. I simply cannot bear it. He told me he was snorting in the church parking lot and that that woman was smoking crack with him in his truck. He said he didn't smoke it, but he knows that's what took me down. Maybe he can't admit it. I NEED HELP REALLY REALLY BADLY!

As you should know from your Recovery program, most don't make it, and go back, You were one of the lucky ones that made it though and did not go back.

Get into a program to help with spouses of addicts and see if you can get him back into a program. If not, get your name off his account and don't give him more money to keep his habit up.

Get rid of him and get to a 12 Step Meeting. You are suffering from "stinkin" thinkin'".

Best wishes going forward,

We are supposed to be at our Celebrate Recovery meeting at 7:00. Its 5:26 p.m. and he's still not home. I wonder if he would have the audacity to go there high! Even my junkie ex-boyfriend had enough respect for others in recovery not to go near the place loaded. You know what? I'm not going to let him take me down too. I'm proud of my recovery. I pulled myself up out of the street and nobody, NOBODY, helped me. And to this day, when I think back on that time of my life, I am struck with fear of repeating it. I hope I never forget where I came from. I was a legal secretary with a beautiful home in Palmdale, CA and a really pretty little Honda Civic. Lovely furniture, beautiful diamonds... a 700 FICO score, until I took that first hit. I sold the house and netted 37,000.00. When that was all gone, I charged up 3 credit cards to 30,000.00 and pawned everything else, except for what I lost when I couldn't pay the storage bill. The worst thing was that I have 4 really great kids and they didn't know where I was or whether I was dead or alive. My sister told me later that whenever she would hear on the news that some lady was found dead in a car, she would always listen in fear for a description of the body. I remember that the light from the streetlights would shine in through my blankets I had up on the windows and sometimes there would be a menacing shadow of a man upon them. Why am I still alive? I got westnile virus and spinal meningitus at the same time while I was living in that van. I was nearly dead. Somebody called 911 for me and I spent 4 days in the hospital. They sent somebody into my room from the county to discuss the cocaine they discovered in my blood. When I could walk again, they turned me back out onto the street. I have told him these stories, so he knows them well. But he has no fear. So be it. He's all yours, God. Father, I thank you for bringing me into your fold. I am so grateful that you loved me enough to pull me out of the pit I put myself in. Father, I ask that your will be done in my life and that you would use me and my testimony to help others who are still suffering in the bondage of addiction. I know that you are the Way, the Truth and the Life and I have life now because you heard my cries in the darkest lonliness I have ever known. I pray in the righteous name of your Son, Jesus. Amen.

And you know that you can tell him all the stories you want, I can tell him of the 100's of street people I have helped and worked with,
But you know that until he is ready to change and stay changed this is always his choice and we can not make it for him.

You may have to move on from him and be strong in yourself and your victory. Get help and support for yourself first and be safe from the drug life.

There you go girl... get that backbone and insert it back in!

What you have to do is stay away from addicts, and look what you went and did!! YOU MARRIED ONE. Like I first said, get rid of him and go to a 12 Step Meeting.

You know people the success rate of people changing for anything but themselves is extremely low? Have you thought about going to meetings for Codependence? This might not fit you but take a look at the Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. They say getting clean clean from drugs is just one step( a major one, but just one none the less) in the process in healing. We must find ways to fill the voids that years of adiction have left, both physical and mental. I have been clean for 5years, 7months,and 26 days evrytime I have a dream about using I be over joyed it was just a dream when I wake. Remember the bad times, and embrace the good times. Keep sharing your story and taking in the feed back you will be OK. Your no victim anymore stop feeling like one!! No one can pull you down, if you go down it is because you allowed it. I hope to hear from you tomorrow.

He went with me to the meeting. After worship, he went to his group with the men and I went with the women. We both do the chemical dependency groups. I pretty much fell apart while sharing (dumping) my troubles to these lovely women. They had to sit on their hands to not "cross talk." When we got home, I wanted to share some things with him -- some scripture I found and a particularly beautiful picture of us from our wedding with a prayer that wrote today for him. It went like this: Father God, This is a picture of my beautiful husband, Michael on our wedding day. Lord, I pray for your Grace and Mercy in his life. I pray for his deliverance, Lord and for your hedge of protection around him, Father. Shield him with your armor and give him your strength, God. Fill him with your Holy Spirit. Lord, I trust in you and know that you will restore him, God, and that when you have built him up I will see my husband again, whole and beautiful as he is in this picture. Thank you, Father, for hearing my prayer. In the Holy and Righteous name of your Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.
He read it. Nothing. No comment. His attitude sucked. He knows I've wanted to be close (intimate) with him all day. He picked a fight to avoid it. I was infuriated. I have been a good wife, a loyal friend. Trustworthy, kind and loving. (sounds like a cocker spaniel.) Frankly, in light of recent events, I'm sick of being nice. This marriage has not been what I expected and its certainly not what I want. Its all about him and what he wants -- to get high, irrespective of my need to not. You have no idea how much I respected this man. He really was a wonderful, loving, caring and giving man. Now he looks and acts like just another junkie to me. I have lost all respect for him and, of coarse the issue of trust, I need not even mention. I wanted a godly man and I thought I had found him. I cannot even express the level of my dissapointment. I want to be a godly woman. I want to be a gracious, kind woman. I am a gracious and kind woman. It feels so good to be worthy of respect. I want a husband who is worthy of mine. This man has destroyed it. And I don't know if it can ever be restored. This level of anger probably doesn't sound very godly. As a Christian woman, I'm supposed to be a quiet, gentle spirit. I am. This is just a really hard pill to swallow. Your thoughts?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by meem50

He went with me to the meeting. After worship, he went to his group with the men and I went with the women. We both do the chemical dependency groups. I pretty much fell apart while sharing (dumping) my troubles to these lovely women. They had to sit on their hands to not "cross talk." When we got home, I wanted to share some things with him -- some scripture I found and a particularly beautiful picture of us from our wedding with a prayer that wrote today for him. It went like this: Father God, This is a picture of my beautiful husband, Michael on our wedding day. Lord, I pray for your Grace and Mercy in his life. I pray for his deliverance, Lord and for your hedge of protection around him, Father. Shield him with your armor and give him your strength, God. Fill him with your Holy Spirit. Lord, I trust in you and know that you will restore him, God, and that when you have built him up I will see my husband again, whole and beautiful as he is in this picture. Thank you, Father, for hearing my prayer. In the Holy and Righteous name of your Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.
He read it. Nothing. No comment. His attitude sucked. He knows I've wanted to be close (intimate) with him all day. He picked a fight to avoid it. I was infuriated. I have been a good wife, a loyal friend. Trustworthy, kind and loving. (sounds like a cocker spaniel.) Frankly, in light of recent events, I'm sick of being nice. This marriage has not been what I expected and its certainly not what I want. Its all about him and what he wants -- to get high, irrespective of my need to not. You have no idea how much I respected this man. He really was a wonderful, loving, caring and giving man. Now he looks and acts like just another junkie to me. I have lost all respect for him and, of coarse the issue of trust, I need not even mention. I wanted a godly man and I thought I had found him. I cannot even express the level of my dissapointment. I want to be a godly woman. I want to be a gracious, kind woman. I am a gracious and kind woman. It feels so good to be worthy of respect. I want a husband who is worthy of mine. This man has destroyed it. And I don't know if it can ever be restored. This level of anger probably doesn't sound very godly. As a Christian woman, I'm supposed to be a quiet, gentle spirit. I am. This is just a really hard pill to swallow. Your thoughts?

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I am thinking, are you reading or listening to any of these responses that you are receiving? You ask for thoughts but you have them already, now it is time to take action. You said yourself you expected things might be this way. You are a 50 year old recovering addict, both attributes usually come with learning, understanding, and applying the info. Gained from ones experiences(wisdom). I am going to make it simple, time for thoughts should be over( you have thought about this everyday for the last 6 months) it should be time for action NOW! I can not make your choices for you, but I can offer you a format that I use to help me with mines. It is like this if you are going to stay and try to work it out; stay and work it out. If you you are really tired and want to continue making progress in your life without dragging someone else kicking and screeming, then it might be time to move on. Simply put "Do or Don't" you know the drill. One step at a time. But please stop the "woo is me". Either way you will lose something, but you will find some pease with yourself. By the way you are doing fantastic by staying clean, I respect you for that!

Exactly, all the thoughts and advice are plain and clear, want a good life, move on, he's a lost cause, and only he can save himself. If you don't want to do back down that road again, go a different way... alone. God forgives, he also only helps those who help themselves... so go to alanon and take care of yourself.