Ask Me Help Desk - Got cheated on

Recently, me and my boyfriend broke up and I'm so lost and Don't know what to do. The situation was kind of messed up... I guess I should explain, so here it goes... This might be long but please bare with me... I really need help!!

I met him at work at my new job about a year and a half ago... at the time he had a girlfriend who he didn't have feelings for anymore.. he used to tell us co-workers that she treated him like sh*t and that he wanted to end it with her... After time, we became good friends, we were the two youngest ones working there so we had a lot in common since we're both 21.

One day him and his girlfriend got in a fight and he came to work depressed.. Him and a couple guys started drinking at work and by the end of our shift he told one of our co-workers that he wants a girl like ME... a sweet, innocent, smart, very attractive good girl who hasn't been in a relationship with anyone before. He knew that I was a virgin and that I don't believe in sex before marriage so he knew what he was getting himself into especially since him and his previous girlfriend had sex all the time.

So he asked me out, and I said No because his friendship meant the world to me and I didn't want to go out with him and risk it in case things didn't work out between us. He would ask me constantly to be his girlfriend and I kept saying no until one day I told him how I felt and he said even if things don't work out, we would still always be friends. So I went for it. I was always scared of getting hurt but I told myself there's a first for everything and that I need to take a chance especially since this was my first relationship.

We dated for about 7 months... Within the first 6 months, there were times where I would call him after work and he would never answer or call back until the next morning. He would call back and be like his phone was broken, or he was sleeping and that he will see me in a couple hours at work... we would hang out after work for an hour at the most and then he would be like he has to go since I lived close to our workplace but he lived about 45 minutes away. He forgot our 1 month anniversary.. I thought to myself, I guess this is just the way he is and I need to adapt to it. I never asked him what his problem was or anything.. Sometimes on his days off, I would receive a call from him in the morning and then never again for 2 days.. I would try calling but he would never answer. He would say he was busy working with his dad. This went on for 6 months. At one time, our workplace was going under renovation and it was closed for a month.. I saw him once in that month for about half an hour while he was drunk. He was always too busy for me. Whenever we were together, he would treat me good. I would never say anything to him because I didn't want him to feel hurt :confused:.. I don't know if that's normal. That was pretty stupid of me...

One day, his ex girlfriend gives me a call from his bedroom at around 330 am. I was so excited to answer his phone call since he never once called to say goodnight. I answered the phone with excitement... until I hear her on the other end. She told me that I was sending him text massages and that she wanted to know who I was... I asked her who she was, she said she was his girlfriend. I hung up.. The next day at work, I see him and he comes up with a stupid excuse that she came to his house since she's still friends with his sister and went through his phone since it was left in the living room and decided to call me just because she got jealous. I cried at work claiming that he still has feelings for her, or is still seeing her.. he swore to me that he wasn't, and that he would never do anything to hurt me ever again. So I gave him another chance.

At this point, people started telling me he was still seeing her because she has sex with him and I don't. I still didn't say anything because I didn't want to lose him, but I also didn't want to have sex with him so I had to pay a price. So my birthday came around, he went all out, got me a hotel room... threw me a big party. The next day, I had posted pics of my birthday on my Facebook page, Some how she saw the pictures and messaged me asking if I was his girlfriend, I said yes... she said that the night of my birthday he didn't answer any of her calls and that he lied and said he was at home sleeping... I told him she had messaged me, he said she was crazy and that he hasn't talked to her in almost a year. I knew he was lying but I believed him because I'm an idiot... After this incident, I was able to call him anytime I wanted and he would answer... He would always want to be with me (because she broke up with him and he had no one else left but me)

So I thought its finally over between them, now it will start working out between me and him until one day where she contacted him after a month.. ( I don't know what she said or what they talked about )... The same day, I tried calling him and he wouldn't answer.. the next day at work he comes up to me and says we need to talk... So at lunch, he tells me that he's not ready for commitment and that he's in his party stage and he wants to party before settling down and that we should take things slow but in the end he wants to be with me because I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and that if he ever did something bad, he wouldn't want me to find out and be hurt. He didn't want to hurt me...

Long story short... A few weeks later, I see him at a club with her... What I don't understand is that I did everything I could to be with him but in the end he went crawling back to her... I was such a good girl, every time he needed something I was there for him.. he could call me whenever, I was there!. I bared with all his bull... and in the end, I get left shafted! A few mutual friends of ours tell me that he chose her over me because she has sex with him and I don't... I don't know what to do now I feel used and abused... a few words of advice will really help me out... thanks!!

Oh and by the way, I quit my job and don't talk to him anymore...

Yeah... guys are idiots. Sorry... there's really nothing you could do except move on. This d-bag treats girls like trash, and hopefully him and his new girl'll get married... and if karma exists, they'll end up cheating on one another. Once a cheater... right?

You deserve better. You'll find better. Trust me.

I think you have learned a very valuable lesson, and can take this with you forever. Don't be so hard on yourself, as you have still done the right things, and will be a lot more careful in the future. Sometimes we learn the hard way, but the important thing is we learn. You will be fine.

Thanks guys, I'm so over him! I saw him at a party recently and he came up to me and wouldn't leave me alone, but I just gave him the cold shoulder. I made him feel like complete for what he did... and it seems like he really regrets it now and he misses me because he wouldn't stop trying to make conversation and kept trying to hug me... and he said he's shocked that I never once called him or texted him and that I should. I never thought I would say this but I'm so happy I went through this because it's only made me stronger :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carebear99

Thanks guys, I'm soo over him! I saw him at a party recently and he came upto me and wouldn't leave me alone, but i just gave him the cold shoulder. I made him feel like complete for what he did... and it seems like he really regrets it now and he misses me because he wouldn't stop trying to make conversation and kept trying to hug me....and he said he's shocked that i never once called him or texted him and that i should. I never thought I would say this but I'm so happy I went through this because it's only made me stronger :)

He's only wanting what he can't have dear, move along, you did the right thing.

I always see things in a different color. Let me tell you what I saw in your story.

His G/F treated him like crap but they had an active sex life
He breaks up with his crappy G/F and starts going out with you, a nice girl, his friend
You tried to resist since you valued his friendship and didn't want to lose it, he didn't feel this way and pursued you until you gave in
While you were supposedly together, days and weeks could go by with no contact
His ex G/F isn't gone from his life, friends confirming she's still around, calling from his house (he had an excuse you clearly didn't believe but "gave him another chance" anyway)
Friends try to warn you, you believed them but chose to ignore it "because you didn't want to lose him"
Contact with his not-so-ex-G/F on your birthday and you don't believe him again but "believed him anyway cause you're an idiot"
He finally mans-up about his true partying ways and tells you to your face
You see him with her and think that's not part of his partying ways, so he must be lying more
You were a nice girl and got shafted because of it

That about sum it up?

That guy didn't do much to you that you didn't give him full license to do. You were not only completely ON that ride with him, heck, you were driving the friggin' bus of denial.

You were not shafted, you were rewarded for your ignoring of all the clear signs. You chose to give him chance after chance that I'd bet dollars to donuts he wasn't begging for THAT hard. You're a nice girl, so any semi-nice guy would want to keep from hurting you, but not enough to change their nature.

So, what did you actually learn from that story of yours. Your tale tells me that you have a pretty good internal compass and that you over-ride it at the drop of a hat. Cut that out!

Dating is about learning who people are. It's not about your "feelings". Sheesh, I have feelings for a puppy I've never seen before. Feelings are irrelevant in the dating game, you wouldn't be going out with someone you didn't "feel" something for. Everyone feels... blah blah blah!

But the dating game is about intelligent research. You failed every oral exam your relationship had and should pretty much blame only yourself for it. You could have seen what he really was/wanted early on and not only saved yourself ALL this grief, but even kept the friendship you SAID you valued at the very beginning.

By ignoring your instincts, later ignoring your conscience and good sense, you STILL lost the guy and are trying to figure out why HE did it? Sweetie, he was probably more consistent than you realized and this was never going to work out, but you were working overtime (why! ) to delay the truth.

So, if you stop the melodrama over this doomed-from-the-start relationship, and examine it based on who you were to start with, this result was not only predictable, it's also GOOD for you in the long run. Stop fretting it.

There are guys out there that VALUE good girls and don't need sex to stay interested. Not a lot, mind you, but if you're a rare bird you'll attract the rare bird-catcher. Make sure you don't initiate future relationships by "giving in" on your own beliefs. That's lying to HIM.

Oh Darlin, it sounds like you had the classic case of bad-first-boyfriend-itis. I'm so sorry. For a first boyfriend, he was not a good representation of the good ones.

Yes, it sounds like this guy wanted a relationship with you, but wasn't ready for your level of commitment to the relationship... that being, you were interested in him as a whole person and he was interested in you for not just your "sweetness." I'm sorry.

But hon, its good. You got your "bad relationship story" out of the way early and now you can only get amazingly better! The good ones are out there, don't stop looking simply because of this one bad representation of men. Don't sell yourself short - you know that you are committed to no sex before marriage. Find a guy that has that same commitment.

Don't worry. You'll make it. He was a bad egg... Move on, move up, and go on into your exciting relationship future! :)

Good luck, Doll!

Thanks for the support guys.. It has helped me out a bunch!! And Jbeaucaire... I do understand that I was the root of the problem for "giving in"... But how I see it now is that I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't gone through this. So now I have learned that there are good guys out there as HistorianChick mentioned... and those guys wouldn't take advantage of my "giving in"... (even though I have learned not to do that ever again)... I could have confronted my ex at the very beginning of our relationship but I deserve someone who will respect me enough, not to even THINK about cheating on me... Someone who I won't have to confront about doing this type of stupid stuff... Someone who doesn't take advantage of how laid back I am but Someone who Respects me for who I am.

Your attitude is great, and your so right, as there is someone out there who will give you what you deserve, and you can share happiness with. Most people don't learn what you have.

Hey guys, Recently I haven't been able to get him out of my head for some weird reason. I told myself that it would be hard to forget him in the beginning of our break up but it's almost been 4 months... and recently I just can't stop thinking about him. I don't really miss him, I just remember the times we spent together. When the weekend comes along, I tend to miss him and hate him at the same time. I Don't know what's going on, I was doing so well!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carebear99

Hey guys, Recently I haven't been able to get him out of my head for some weird reason. I told myself that it would be hard to forget him in the beginning of our break up but it's almost been 4 months.... and recently i just can't stop thinking about him. I don't really miss him, I just remember the times we spent together. When the weekend comes along, I tend to miss him and hate him at the same time. I Don't know what's going on, I was doing so well!!!

I think it's just a case of being lonely. He's pretty much your only pt of reference, so when you're lonely you think of him, yet at the same time, your relationship wasn't quite pleasant so the negative feelings are there. Try hanging out w/ your friends more on weekends, and better yet, hopefully your friends can introduce you to a nice guy! Best of luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carebear99

Hey guys, Recently I haven't been able to get him out of my head for some weird reason. I told myself that it would be hard to forget him in the beginning of our break up but it's almost been 4 months.... and recently i just can't stop thinking about him. I don't really miss him, I just remember the times we spent together. When the weekend comes along, I tend to miss him and hate him at the same time. I Don't know what's going on, I was doing so well!!!

Once again, don't over-react. If your mind plays back good tracks of your times together, hey, let it. If your heart tries to get involved and convince you there's something there, then MAKE your mind play back ALL THE TAPES... including the crappy times.

If you have to, write down a brief bullet-list of all the things he did that ended your relationship. Read that list when you start to lose it for whatever reason. Give that info to a friend and give them the job of "snapping you out of it" if you start to waver, like a 10-steps buddy.

You're doing fine, even loneliness can be viewed as a positive thing, it means your ready to have that next relationship... well, maybe it can mean that.

Hahaha thanks you guys are awesome!

OMG GUYS...
So I was doing so well... I've moved on.. It's been about 6 months.. with no contact... And all of a sudden he calls me Friday morning... I wouldn't have answered it but I deleted his number and when he called me, his number showed up instead of his name... And I didn't realize it was him until I accepted the call... He' was like Hi.. Do you know who this is? I was like umm Yes. I didn't know what to do.. He asked me how I was and stuff.. and I asked him why he's calling me.. And he said he always wanted to call me but always thought I wouldn't answer but this time he's like I just decided to call and see how it goes... He's like I don't want you to keep a grudge against me... And now he's been calling/text messaging me non stop for the past couple of days... I don't know what to say or do?? I want to ask him what happened to his girlfriend but I don't know if I should or not... Please help.. What do I do...

I'm assuming the girlfriend's gone... or the magic at least is, and now he's missing you.

I say this because my ex started a regimen of calling me once a day... of course, I have yet to pick up.

Just quit picking up all together... if you just don't give a flip. If you do give a flip, explain to him why you think not talking would be a good idea for you.

Oh I didn't mention that the first time I talked to him.. On Friday... He also asked If I wanted to go to the mall.. 7 minutes after talking to him... I said no...
Why would someone have the decency to call their ex 6 months later and ask if they want to go to the mall... Doesn't he have any self respect.. Something is definitely up with the girlfriend situation!

Yep. He's in an awkward situation as well... because he wants to instigate contact with you but is unsure how to. My ex sort of got mad at me for not wanting to fix the situation... something along the lines of "How do you think we can fix things if you won't pick up my calls?"... left on my voice mail.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carebear99

OMG GUYS....
So I was doing so well... I've moved on.. It's been about 6 months.. with no contact....And all of a sudden he calls me Friday morning... I wouldn't have answered it but I deleted his number and when he called me, his number showed up instead of his name... And I didn't realize it was him until I accepted the call... He' was like Hi.. Do you know who this is? i was like umm Yes. I didn't know wat to do.. He asked me how i was and stuff.. and i asked him why he's calling me.. And he said he always wanted to call me but always thought I wouldn't answer but this time he's like I just decided to call and see how it goes... He's like I don't want you to keep a grudge against me... And now he's been calling/text messaging me non stop for the past couple of days... I don't know what to say or do??? I want to ask him what happened to his girlfriend but I don't know if i should or not.... Please help.. What do I do...

As Dr. Phil puts it "you don't just say no, you say hell no". I don't think it should matter what happened, although I have to admit, if I was in your position, curiosity would be killing me and prob get the better part of me as well.. lol. You have to remember what he did in the beginning, and if he's done it once, he could do it again right? I would assume since you've moved on, your life has been better, not worrying, not grieving, none of that right? Unless you lay it straight to a guy, we have a nasty tendency to read into things, sometimes more than we should, and sometimes we read what we want to read and not the truth of the message. I would think if I was in his position, and that you picked up my call and gave me the time of day to talk to me, that there's still something left. When you don't pick up his calls/return them/texts etc, I would just think you're busy, so I'll keep trying, because after all, you did pick up my call. Hope this helps :)

Well, it's just okay... at least you don't lose your virginity at all... even he lied at you and became an idiot to your eyes... upon your story... he definitely can't lose her girlfriend but not just because of having sex all the time.. maybe, he can't stop loving his girlfriend for some deep reason... life is good... we still some time to find someone else out there and I'm sure you will find better person than him... learned something for it and don't ever trust someone whom you don't know well... unless he's really a good guy... :D

Go back to NO CONTACT with him, as he is already weasling his way back into your life, and already making you dredge up questions, and causing confusion. Don't go that way with him, as your curiosity will lead back the way you came, emotionally. He is trying to keep his foot in the door, and all you have to do is keep it closed. Don't answer his calls.