Ask Me Help Desk - Emotional Affair or just a Lonely guy?

Hey guys,

I just wanted to share my story to really get it off my chest. I've not told anyone about my EA, or what I think is an EA... so... here goes:

Awhile back, not too long ago, I met a guy online. We were both in a romance chat room, so I figured we were probably both looking for someone to connect with. I've been having problems with my boy for awhile, but I don't usually wander into romance rooms, however, that night I was feeling lonely. We started talking, and really, really hit it off. We talked for hours when we finally discussed "others" in our life. I am living with someone, and he told me he was married. I was a bit surprised, but figured the conversation was good, so what's the harm. Nothing will happen. Just someone that night to talk to.

Day after day, though, we'd start talking until early into the morning hours. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. We had so many things in common, uncanny things, that most people just don't have... just odd things. We finally started talking on the phone, but when we continued with our online conversations, they became more and more flirtatious. We skimmed a bit on the sex topics, but never crossed the line into the lust factor. We joked about kissing each other, things like that. I talk a lot about things in my life, and know a lot about him, but he really doesn't mention his wife hardly at all. I never hear about any problems they have, (if any) and he brings her up in conversation, but only from time to time. Still, we talk 3-5 times a day, at least. Mostly over the phone now, but occasionally online.

We both really wanted to meet each other, so I went to see him. (We don't live in the same city) Once we met, it felt as if we had been friends for years. We hugged for what seemed like hours and seconds at the same time. We held hands, we linked arms, and it wasn't only me reaching out for his hand... he reached out for mine as well. He hugged me, and put his arms around me... and I would stop midsentence and just throw my arms around him. Because I was from out of town, I had a hotel room. We held hands and he came up into my room and just laid down with me. He stroked my arm, and I ran my fingers through his hair. It was the perfect day. He would look at me like I was the most amazing thing in the world and I'd ask him what he was thinking and he'd say nothing. I just wanted him to open up to me so badly. I knew what he was thinking, I just wanted him to say it. As he left, I really wanted to kiss him, and I thought he would kiss me too, but kissed me on the cheek instead. I know we're attracted to each other, I just don't know what to do about it.

I'm so confused, we still talk everyday and I miss him more than ever. We're getting together after Christmas again, and I long to see him. He has talked about coming up to visit me for the weekend, and says he's going to do all he can when he gets the first opportunity to visit. The next breath he tells me he'd never hurt his wife and that he's in a wonderful marriage. I don't get it, though. If he's so happy, what's he doing with me? He says he just loves the conversation, but when we get together, it's usually more physical, and just basic touching, than it is conversation. Is he lying when he says he wants to see me? If he is, would he still call everyday? He knows it's not "the best situation" but "nothing is wrong with what we're doing."

Any advice anyone? I need to get some perspective on this. My head says walk away, and my heart is falling for him.

Help.

If he says he has a wonderful marriage and he would never hurt his wife, he's probably being honest. This is tough because the way you describe yalls relationship, its as if though you two are 18 years old again and in love. What's even more baffling is that this obviously isn't based on sex either. It's a very tough position your in... I would continue to keep in contact with him, don't push the issue, because you don't want to push him away. At the same time, he can't keep you in emotional limbo forever.

I would only disagree with him in the fact that he's doing nothing wrong. If he's happily married, and carries on a relationship like that one he has with you, he's doing something wrong. Its almost even worse than having an affair based on sex with you, because it involves your emotions over anything else; it isn't based on a sex fix that he isn't getting from his wife. Continue on the conversations with him and I'm sure sooner rather than later, it will work itself out. If he continues to make his stand that he will never leave his wife and that you are "doing nothing wrong", then you need to let him know that this can't go on until he gives you some sort of concrete solution to the situation, because it will eventually be an unhealthy one if you continue to leave things the way they are.

Good luck, and hope it works out!

"If he's so happy, what's he doing with me?" This is the key question. There is a reason for him to be exploring a relationship outside of his marriage. I suppose cynics will say that he is just being a man and all males do this. Perhaps he should make the next trip instead of you. You do understand that both you and his wife cannot have all of him at the same time.

How old are you and how old is he? Do you know his wives age? Do they have kids together?

What is the name of the chat room? Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by TxCowgirl

If he's so happy, what's he doing with me? He says he just loves the conversation, but when we get together, it's usually more physical, and just basic touching, than it is conversation. Is he lying when he says he wants to see me?

What's he doing? He's having his cake and eating it to. He has a wife at home, and he's not going to leave her. And he has you, who will meet him in hotel rooms and it's pretty exciting compared to his normal husbandly routine. And like you said, the conversations are overridden by the physical stuff now. So yeah, it won't be long until he wants to get down and dirty with you. I would suggest to remove your heart from this because I'm guessing his isn't in it. He wants excitement and sex, like what most cheating men want.

You say you have a man. I would suggest that it's time to look into what's wrong with your current relationship and start working on yourself.

Perhaps, but at the same time, the physical contact is MINIMAL. I'm talking holding hands and snuggling together. There is no kissing, no sexual based touching at all, and we still talk when we're together, we just have a great time, be it out in public at lunch, or falling asleep together.
Our relationship is still very much based on conversation. It has to be, because we're both so far away from each other. We talk for hours a day, and I believe we both really miss each other. I don't know if this relationship will ever be sexually based, he doesn't want to kiss me or have sex, and there in lies the confusion. If he was just after sex, I could handle that, it would make much more sense, but he's NOT. It's just conversation, we're filling an emotional need in each others lives, and when we get together, it's even more emotional. I do agree that he needs to come and see me, and when I see him after Christmas, I will tell him that.
I just wish I could pinpoint what I'm doing in his life. I know what need he's filling in mine, and to be honest, while my heart is in it quite a bit, I'm NOT looking for him to leave his wife, or pursue any sort of dating relationship with him. I mean, that's what I feel like I'm in now, a long-distance dating relationship with this man.
I can't explain it, it just feels right to be with him, and he's not pushing me away. I wish I could be the bigger personal and walk, but I think if I did, he'd come find me.

I do believe you and he are exploring mutual needs; it just gets a bit confusing if his wife is needing him too. As far as we know, she may have him in the deep freeze. But then he said his marriage was OK. I think that is where I begin having some questions.

TxCowgirl: what is the chatroom? Thanks

Quote:

I wish I could be the bigger personal and walk, but I think if I did, he'd come find me.

He is exploiting your need for attention, and drawing you into him very slowly. He knows that's how to get you and convince you, it was meant to be. Don't fall for that. You already are thinking its wrong, but you need someone now who is doing just what he is. He is married and your helping him cheat, maybe not physically, YET, but eventually for sure. His patients is his best weapon. If he is so happy why was he on a romantic chat line? He was trolling for someone just like you, who are so unhappy with their own lives, you can be lead into something wrong and unhealthy. Also you are so thrilled with him at the moment, are you putting anything into your own "boy"? NO, YOUR NOT! Stop this unhealthy adventure into adultry, and cut contact now. If your confused now, you will really be confused, and hurt later.
I give you credit for asking before this went to far though, just listen to that inner voice.

Foolishness if you ask me.

He'd never hurt his wife right?

I doubt she knows he spends time on the computer in singles rooms, also that girls from different cities are driving to meet him, I think she'd have questions.

I have no clue why he would do something like this, although I'm sure he's not that desperate for a friend. Whatever it is, you're the one filling whatever it is he needs, very willingly for that matter, unfortunetly you haedeveloped feeling and so it is you that stands a lot to lose.

Get out!