Ask Me Help Desk - Should I change who I am for his love?

Hey everyone,
Its been a long time since I've been in contact. :P
Anyway, there was this guy in my school who tried to be with me for a long time then when he got to be he moved on to my friend. After messing around with her for a while he came back to me. He tried getting with me but it didn't work because he had hurt me too much. Now we stuck to being just friends. My friend has his number, and he calls her many times. I'm still stuck to playing the part of the girl he can't get all the time. I thought we were all just friends and everything was cool but for the last week he has been looking at me in the same way he did last year, he has been trying to be alone with me a lot and has been holding my hand, and acting extra funny and extra nice to me. The thing is, I'm enjoying it, but whenever my friend sees us together she comes to me and tells me he was hitting on her a little while ago. I get so confused, I know my friend craves attention and makes up stories, but sometimes I do catch him acting strangely with her. And whenever he does a special and sweet move to me I feel I'm special but then I see him doing it to her and I forget it. But the last week he's been doing things to me and hasn't been doing them to her. It is messed up I know, and I have managed to keep myself safe from getting hurt. But now I'm really curious, does he like me? Did he ever like me? If he does, how come he's on the phone with her and not with me? I don't want to fall into the same whole twice. I know he wanted to get with me, but at that time I was quiet, shy, spoke very little, probably because I didn’t have a lot of friends. But now I do, and now I feel more comfortable, I’m laughing with everyone and I’m showing my carefree side a lot now. I used to be the quiet girl sitting in the corner, sometimes talks, never loud, never outgoing. But now I’m funny, I’m active, I’m outgoing, and always talking to someone and laughing with them and being myself and enjoying my time. I can't help but sometimes feel like that is what made him change his mind. I began to question whether I am truly funny? Whether I should be the quiet girl who never talks or the girl who is funny and enjoys her time and tries to live every minute of her life. I began to think I should go back to being quiet and shy. I began to question who I really was and that made me end up in depression. I lost myself. Was I shy or outgoing? Was I funny or quiet? Should I go back to being shy and quiet for his love? Am I changing or going back to who I am? I am enjoying myself a lot now and I have friends now, but should I go back?

From what you saying I think he is a player... and as a player they always flying around and flirt with girls and causing attentiion... and I am sorry but I think you should stay away from him... just like the old saying there are more fish in the ocean for u to catch ^^...

and I don't think you should change at all... you enjoy it you happy and why you have to change right ^^ ?

best wishes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simple Asian

From what you saying i think he is a player.....and as a player they always flying around and flirt with girls and causing attentiion ....and i am sorry but i think you should stay away from him.... just like the old saying there are more fish in the ocean for u to catch ^^....................

and i dont think you should change at all ...you enjoy it you happy and why you have to change right ^^ ?

best wishes

First thanks for answering my question! And I guess he is, but as I said I sometimes feel helpless... I really forgot who I was.

Don't change. Stay who you are! NEVER change yourself for a guy. If you do, it won't work out, because eventually your real self will come out, and if he liked the old you it will cause problems, and well you get the picture.
He sounds too complicated anyway. Stay away from him, be yourself, and find a guy who likes you for who you are.
Yes, it is difficult, cause you like this guy! But it's the right think to do.

I think you will find its not worth it to change who you are, to attract someone's attention. Be yourself, and it will serve you better than being someone your not.

Don't change who you are, be happy... and I think it would be great if you and your friend got together and pulled the guys chain a little bit... such as both of you going to hold his hand at the same time... you'd have to work it out with your friend, and if they agreed you and your friend could make him so uncomfortable that he might quit trying to play two girls like he has been... If he thinks two girls is fun, include a third friend, and so on, but don't let him single any of you out to feed his line of bull...

You sound like a wonderful person.

Here's some thoughts for you.
I will address you first and him second.

First, you say, "Was I shy or outgoing? Was I funny or quiet?"
I say, Why can't you be both of those things? As people, we are very multi-dimensional, and have lots of aspects to our personality. You are young and growing and exploring who you are... so please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some space to BE-COME who you are. Some days you may feel like the quiet girl in the corner. Other days you may feel more outgoing and funny. You have all this qualities in you. If you didn't, you wouldn't be able to express them. The worst thing you can tell yourself is, "I need to be one or the other"... which is what you are doing. Give yourself space. And know you can be both.

Second, to address the guy. Do not "change" for him... which is also saying, "Do not pretend to be who you are not for him.....or for anyone for that matter." It will only hurt you in the long run. And it's also giving him a false impression of who you are... which is lying. A relationship built on lies will not last.

And on that same note, it sounds to me as if HE is not being totally straightforward in how he expresses himself, to either you or your friend. I don't know him. I only know what you wrote, but it sounds like he wants you and your friend both without really wanting a real relationship with either of you... and you don't need that... unless you don't want that. Don't let him devalue you. You are worthy of someone who wants to give you want you want.

So, here's what I'd like you to do. This may sound silly but it will help... and no one has to know if you do it or not.
Sit down with a piece of paper. Write what you like about this guy. Everything. His looks, his smile... and also, write the things he does, the actions he does, that you like. What makes you feel good.
Now, write what you don't like. Again, write everything. Perhaps he starts to ignore you and gives your friend more time. Maybe he runs hot and then cold. (These are just examples). Read them over so you know them... because this is him and is what he is giving you.

Now, write down what you want from him. Be honest. Of couse you want all the good stuff, but do you want more? Do you want a relationship? Or do you want him to just like you and leave your friend alone but don't really want a relationship? When you decide what you want, then you can simply ask yourself, is he doing it or isn't he on doing it, then you have a much easier decision. You only have to decide whether you think it's a good idea to let yourself settle for less than what you want. And that, my dear, is truly, you're call.

Hope this helped you. It's a lot, but I know how it feels to be confused and lack clarity. You'll make the best decision for you, I'm sure of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessica x

You sound like a wonderful person.

Here's some thoughts for you.
I will address you first and him second.

First, you say, "Was I shy or outgoing? Was I funny or quiet?"
I say, Why can't you be both of those things? As people, we are very multi-dimensional, and have lots of aspects to our personality. You are young and growing and exploring who you are...so please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some space to BE-COME who you are. Some days you may feel like the quiet girl in the corner. Other days you may feel more outgoing and funny. You have all this qualities in you. If you didn't, you wouldn't be able to express them. The worst thing you can tell yourself is, "I need to be one or the other"...which is what you are doing. Give yourself space. And know you can be both.

Second, to address the guy. Do not "change" for him...which is also saying, "Do not pretend to be who you are not for him.....or for anyone for that matter." It will only hurt you in the long run. And it's also giving him a false impression of who you are...which is lying. A relationship built on lies will not last.

And on that same note, it sounds to me as if HE is not being totally straightforward in how he expresses himself, to either you or your friend. I don't know him. I only know what you wrote, but it sounds like he wants you and your friend both without really wanting a real relationship with either of you...and you don't need that...unless you don't want that. Don't let him devalue you. You are worthy of someone who wants to give you want you want.

So, here's what I'd like you to do. This may sound silly but it will help...and no one has to know if you do it or not.
Sit down with a piece of paper. Write what you like about this guy. Everything. His looks, his smile....and also, write the things he does, the actions he does, that you like. What makes you feel good.
Now, write what you don't like. Again, write everything. Perhaps he starts to ignore you and gives your friend more time. Maybe he runs hot and then cold. (These are just examples). Read them over so you know them....because this is him and is what he is giving you.

Now, write down what you want from him. Be honest. Of couse you want all the good stuff, but do you want more? Do you want a relationship? Or do you want him to just like you and leave your friend alone but don't really want a relationship? When you decide what you want, then you can simply ask yourself, is he doing it or isn't he on doing it, then you have a much easier decision. You only have to decide whether you think it's a good idea to let yourself settle for less than what you want. And that, my dear, is truly, you're call.

Hope this helped you. It's alot, but I know how it feels to be confused and lack clarity. You'll make the best decision for you, I'm sure of it.

I don't know how to thank you. You have really helped. I still didn't try it yet, but I'm sure it will help. I will post what happens between the three of us. Your advice really helped and it shows that you are posting because you truly care.
Again, thank you so much. Wish me luck.
P.S I'm going to work on it and I'll post the next time something important happens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessica x

You sound like a wonderful person.

Here's some thoughts for you.
I will address you first and him second.

First, you say, "Was I shy or outgoing? Was I funny or quiet?"
I say, Why can't you be both of those things? As people, we are very multi-dimensional, and have lots of aspects to our personality. You are young and growing and exploring who you are...so please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some space to BE-COME who you are. Some days you may feel like the quiet girl in the corner. Other days you may feel more outgoing and funny. You have all this qualities in you. If you didn't, you wouldn't be able to express them. The worst thing you can tell yourself is, "I need to be one or the other"...which is what you are doing. Give yourself space. And know you can be both.

Second, to address the guy. Do not "change" for him...which is also saying, "Do not pretend to be who you are not for him.....or for anyone for that matter." It will only hurt you in the long run. And it's also giving him a false impression of who you are...which is lying. A relationship built on lies will not last.

And on that same note, it sounds to me as if HE is not being totally straightforward in how he expresses himself, to either you or your friend. I don't know him. I only know what you wrote, but it sounds like he wants you and your friend both without really wanting a real relationship with either of you...and you don't need that...unless you don't want that. Don't let him devalue you. You are worthy of someone who wants to give you want you want.

So, here's what I'd like you to do. This may sound silly but it will help...and no one has to know if you do it or not.
Sit down with a piece of paper. Write what you like about this guy. Everything. His looks, his smile....and also, write the things he does, the actions he does, that you like. What makes you feel good.
Now, write what you don't like. Again, write everything. Perhaps he starts to ignore you and gives your friend more time. Maybe he runs hot and then cold. (These are just examples). Read them over so you know them....because this is him and is what he is giving you.

Now, write down what you want from him. Be honest. Of couse you want all the good stuff, but do you want more? Do you want a relationship? Or do you want him to just like you and leave your friend alone but don't really want a relationship? When you decide what you want, then you can simply ask yourself, is he doing it or isn't he on doing it, then you have a much easier decision. You only have to decide whether you think it's a good idea to let yourself settle for less than what you want. And that, my dear, is truly, you're call.

Hope this helped you. It's alot, but I know how it feels to be confused and lack clarity. You'll make the best decision for you, I'm sure of it.

I don't know how to thank you. You have really helped. I still didn't try it yet, but I'm sure it will help. I will post what happens between the three of us. Your advice really helped and it shows that you are posting because you truly care.
Again, thank you so much. Wish me luck.
P.S I'm going to work on it and I'll post the next time I see him.