Hello... I am not sure what to do here but was hoping I could get some sort of advise, guidance, or help for my girlfriend and myself. My girlfriend is once again staying with me after leaving her abusive husband for the 4th time now.. she had lived with me before but after talking with her husband on the phone he somehow always gets her to come back. There are children involved and they have been taken into care by the Ministry and will not be returned as long as they are together or she continues to have almost constant contact with him even while she is here. I have told her that she has to stop contacting him and also has to stop accepting calls or anything from him and to go through the lawyers instead. She insists that she has to keep in touch with him because of the kids.. 3 of which are not even her husbands but he has raised them as such for quite a few years.. I am torn on what to do because I can't handle this too much longer, but do not want to loose her as I do love her very much.. even with the troubles we have had. I don't want to give her an ultimatum because if I do she has no where to go and would be afraid that she would just go back to him again. She is trying to find a place of her own, which is the reason she is with me again. I am trying to get through to her and know I am but still have to keep working on it as she seems to be drawn to him for some reason and then he just fills her head full of his lies and deceit.

Please, if you could give me some advise on this matter I would greatly appreciate. I know my topic was fairly long, but I do not know where else to turn for advise. Please, if anyone can.. please give me some advise on what to do. I do not want to let her go because I love her very much and don't want to see her be in that abusive situation again and also want to see her get her boys returned to her.

Thank you very much for listening and I hope you can respond to my topic.

There are groups and even shelters for abused women.

There is an addiction ( for lack of a better word) that some women seem to have for an abusive husband. They are almost brain washed into believing that the abuse is their fault and if they could just do better or if they would just change then it would stop. Most have lost all self assurance, self diginty and self worth. Just telling them it is not there fault will not help, since they have been told for years and years that they are not worth hitting at times.

They "need" this abusive husband to have some since of being, a reason to live and a purpose to go on, because he has taught them this.

We have sent husband after husband to jail, only to have the abused wife spend their rent money to bail them out.

Getting her into a progrm for abused women and the counseling that goes along with it is the only hope.

Next she does not "NEED" to ever talk to him again, so what that they have kids together, they don't have custody of them now just for that reason.
She just has been told for years she can not go on without him, so she believes she "NEEDS" to talk to him.

A pastor, a lawyer or some nuetral party (not you) should be a mediator for any matters about the kids.

Best thing for her, move to a new town, ( perhaps even use an assumed name for a while) don't have any contact with him for a long time and start a new life.

Only when she is in control of her own life, can she start raising kids again.

And she does not need another man to merely replace the old one, since that is merely a crutch to lean on not solving her real problems.

But in the end she "HAS TO" get professional help.

If she really loves her children she will do exactly as she is told and stay away from that man. I don't give a care if he is the daddy or not he is a danger to them. When someone is harmfull to your child blood or not they need to be kept away from you and your child. I have been through the whole abuse thing with my ex husband and I had to go through dss to get my children back because a sc judge was idiot enough to give him temp custody after his parents kidnapped my children. He physically abused his girlfriends child and now I have custody of my kids thanks to someone finallly listening to me. If she thinks they aren't being harmed in all this she needs to open up her eyes. She does need a lawyer and she may want to seek some counseling to help her deal with the abuse. Let us know about anything else.

Hi there.. I want to thank you for your commments. I would like to say that she does have a lawyer for starters. She is exactly that "brainwashed" and after 12 years with this man it is going to be very hard for her to get away. She somehow believes that he is right and no one else and if she can just keep talking to him that maybe he will change. I have tried to tell her he won't ever change and have asked her in the 12 years she has known him has he ever done so.. of course the answer is no. He is in the Military so it is much harder to get him in jail than people think, for whatever reason they have just seemed to protect him and not believe her. She has told many people what he is like but she keeps in touch with him so all those people she tells think "well he can't be that bad", but believe me he is that bad and even worse. I am not just trying to be another man in her life, but when we first met I did not know any of this and she did not tell me for a couple weeks and at which time (I know you may not believe in love at first site) but I did become very close to her in a very short time. I want to help her in whatever way I can.. I have to get her to believe she is hurting her children more and more the longer she stays in touch with him.

Thanks and I would like to try and keep posting if you don't mind.. just to let you know how things have gone.. I don't know if I can take much more of her not listening to people and only believing him.. I have proved him to be liar to her and she even knows that and after talking to him it usually takes me a good couple hours to calm her down and come down to earth.

Thank you again

I am no expert but your g/f is seriously in need of professional help,and very soon.I also know you are torn by her sad situation and probably feel pretty helpless to do anything about it.If she will not seek help herself I don't know if you can make her go.If it were me in your shoes I would have to show her tough love and refuse to give her a safe haven in the hopes that it will make her think about what she is doing and her next move.I know you love this person but do you think you may be enabling her not to face the reality of her situation.Maybe you should seek the advice of a professional yourself just to get a fresh veiw of things and see if you have more options you can use.:cool:

Im afraid that if she doesn't" see the light" soon she will lose her children and I hate to say it but if she can't understand then maybe she doesn't need her children because she will always put them in harms way. She needs to understand when it comes to your children its your children's safety and not how she feels that matters. If I love someone I don't care if I would crawl across ten thousand miles of broken glass for this person. If he is harmfull to me or my kids then ill never see him again because I love my children more than myself or anyone else. I hope she will understand how serious this really is because her children need her to be there for them. Her children's safety comes first. Keep us posted please.

I will definitely keep you posted.. she will be back tonight actually after seeing her boys but it was with him as well without the Ministries approval. I did not agree with this but I won't stop her from seeing her boys during xmas, she was suppose to have a visit with them tomorrow but it was taken away (which I didn't think the Ministry should) when the Ministry found she went to his work to get his van for her visit which she sometimes does but only after picking up his van.. I know she shouldn't have gone to his work with the boys but she never seems to see the consiquences... now if the Ministry finds out they will both loose their visits which may be a wake up call for her, I certainly pray it is and I will once again tell her the damage she is doing.

I am going to let her read these posts if you don't mind so she can see that other people see the harm she is doing to herself and her children.

We wouldn't mind at all and if she needs any advice or can help us in this thing then we will be happy. :)

Hi,
You really have received some good answers!
My suggestion is that you and your girlfriend go together to a Professional Marriage Counselor. I know you aren't married, but it will give you both a starting point. Maybe the couselor(s) can guide you both to another type of Professional.
Reason for suggestion you both go, is because you also are going to need help with coping with all this. I am 63 yrs old, been through a lot in life so far, and there are "big" signs that you love this girl, and really, really want to help her. But, you probably will need help also in understanding her, and your relationship.
Talking with a Professional, both at the same time, will get things started.
I do wish you the very best, and good luck to you.

Hi there again, just wanted to update you a bit about my situation. My girlfriend I think is finally seeing the light a bit and has not contacted or accepted her ex-husbands calls at all in the last 4 days. She is starting to believe everyone that is telling her that he will not change and is only going to hurt her in anyway he can, which includes deceiving her by using her kids against her in anyway he can find.

She is not believing him and I hope she will continue to do so, I have sort of made a deal with her.. I am trying to quit smoking and she has told me that keeping in touch with her ex is like a drug, so I said if I can quit so can she. I am so happy that she read these posts and is starting to come around, but I would like to ask the opinion on one more issue.. since they have kids together and each of them get weekly visits since the boys are in care, should she be worried by anything he might say about the kids to get her to contact him or should she just go through the foster parents if he does try to do such a thing. I think since they are in care that she should be discussing anything like that about the boys with the foster parents.

I really want to thank you all for your suggestions and support, you have definitely had an effect and I am going to continue to post here and getting her to read them.

Thank you again, I know it will be a hard battle.. but it is one that I know she will win.

I agree with you about talking to the foster parents about the children. The ex husband will come up with what ever junk he can to get in the way and ruin everything. I hope she continues to avoid him.

I hope as a friend you are encouraging her to straighten up her act so she can get her kids back.Until she does, nothing else really matters.Whatever she needs to do you should encourage it and support her to put her life together and do the right thing by her own children.I would stay out of her pants and try to focus her on the one thing she needs to do to get those kids back and that is to get her life in order.Encourage her to seek professional help to get herself together not only for her kids sake but for her own life.If you cannot help as a friend be man enough to step away and know maybe the kids are in a better place with foster care.Personaly I would have been gone a long time ago as I could never have a serious relationship with any woman who didn't put there children first or would allow them to be taken away in the first place.You really need to think of your position in all this before you profess your love for someone that you may not be able to help.She needs a friend not a boyfriend>or a lover.:cool: