Ask Me Help Desk - 4 Months NC.Situation came up.

4 Months NC.Situation came up.

Hi guys,

Well I have been great with NC haven't been trying to contact my ex at all haven't spoken to her since August. I have been meeting people online and socializing with people and met this girl. Well the girl is beautiful and I like her but while we were talking yesterday she told me where she works at MY EX'S JOB! That's not the best part my ex TRAINED her and they are not BEST FRIENDS but they are kuul. I know the answer I guess but just wanted to get feed back from you guys and some opinions. Me and my ex broke up in June and went NC in August. No cheating or trust issues just kind of got burned out I guess I went through allot in the past year 2 deaths my brother and my best friend who was murdered by my other best friend. Oh and all my pets died this year 2! Well I went to therapy some of you are familiar with my situation. I have been doing great but I am sure you guys would know this has thrown me into a loop. Not just the fact that I like this girl but also the fact that her working with my ex kind of brought up some emotions. She goes well why didn't work out? She is such a nice girl etc... HELP! Lol

Just my opionion, but your new girlfriend is too close to the fire; don't go there.

Yea I have been leaning that way but she is not my girlfriend just somebody I have been talking to. Nothing major YET but it could be. Crazy thing is I kind of feel bad because I know it wasn't intentional I didn't even know where she worked until we talked a couple times and even then I didn't think it would be the same company same dept same area lol.

Fair warning, women compare notes, and you will never know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Fair warning, women compare notes, and you will never know.

That's true. Just kind of threw me into a loop about my ex etc..

You got some good advice. Women do compare notes. You are definitely too close to the fire. Seriously, if it isn't a relationship yet, don't even seek one out with this girl. This could only get weird... imagine the company Christmas party...

Yes I agree with you guys 1000 percent. The girl is nice and cute and all but I would never want to hurt my ex regardless of what we have been through. I still love her very much and miss her 2. I have been doing good trying to focus on other things but I couldn't believe it when this girl told me that. I was like what kind of F%^$ luck is this? Lol

You sound good to me, but let me stir the pot a little more: personally, I don't believe in coincidences, in life or anywhere. So, we don't know how this came about. So how is NC working for you? Has it been 'pure vanilla' NC, or some variation? Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by George_1950

You sound good to me, but let me stir the pot a little more: personally, I don't believe in coincidences, in life or anywhere. So, we don't just how this came about. So how is NC working for you? Has it been 'pure vanilla' NC, or some variation? Thanks

Thanks for asking. It has been good I have been able to focus on myself and my daughter and my home more. We have had complete NC I don't know what you mean by pure vanilla but we don't speak at all No text, No calls etc.. Since August. I do miss her allot and when this situation popped up it kind of opened that can of worms. I don't believe in coincidences either which is why I was up all night wondering what god might be trying to tell me. I don't want to call her or email her or anything. She doesn't want to talk to me and if did she has my numbers. The last thing I need is to deal with more rejection.

'Pure vanilla' is "complete NC"; no t.m. i.m. friends, family, face-to-face dinners, etc. ad nauseum. Congratulations on your accomplishments because I believe you will be a much stronger and wiser man for having gone through this the way you are doing it.

I don't believe in coincidence either, but I think looking down the road and making a decision based on facts the choice is so easy. Don't jump into something without a lot of thought, and maybe that was the test. I think you will be glad you looked before you leaped.

Just a little update guys. #1 I cut off the chick that works at my ex GF's Job. Second the day after christmas I got an email. It was my ex saying Hi. Well I contemplated not responding but figured not a big deal its been 4 months and she broke the NC not me. So I responded and she pursued the conversation more and more. The next day she emails me again. Feels like she is trying to get things to where we talk or email every day but I have been reluctant as I am not totally healed from the break up. Any ideas? Also Does anybody think this could be a result of the girl at her job talking? Saying we spoke on the phone etc.. These are thoughts I have had but wanted to bounce it off other people.

RED FLAG WARNING
I don't believe in coincidences, but females will talk, will pump you for info, and know more about you, and your business than you do. These are facts and you better SHUT UP, and be unavailable.

Scenerio, Exes friends, friend sees you talking to new girl, "Isn't that so&so's ex talking to so&so?"
5 min later ex, is talking to friend, "I saw your ex talking to so&so, are they doing it?
10min later, ex calls you, " Hi, how you been,. and so on, and so on!

Just my opinion, but why take a chance? Run now!!

I def agree. I have a feeling that your ex asked this new chick to talk to you and things of that nature, to find out more info about you. And when you cut the new chick off, your ex decided that she should talk to you now.

Yeah. Run.

Thanks guys I definitley feel what you guys are saying is a possibility I haven't really been conversating deeply with her or anything. She just basically asked a couple questions I answered with a couple sentances and left it at that. I do not intend to reach out to her in any way or go out with her or anything. Its been 4 months and now she is trying to act like we have been buddy buddy. I don't want to be bitter either I have no hard feelings torwards her and we went through a whole lot and I respect how she handled the situation. She wanted a break I gave it to her and she asked for NC and she got it. After having the NC I have been able to allow the dust to settle and evaluate properly everything I want and need. I will keep you guys posted as I stated I don't intend to contact her and I am sure she will continue to try to reconnect if she tries to question what I am up too and get more personal it will surely be a turn off for me and I will have to cut her completely.

Being a female and having my fair share of "gossips", may I suggest a few possibilities why I think this is NOT coincidental...

POSSIBILITY #1

It has just been 4 months of NC, your old flame might be itching to know more from u. So she asked her junior to help find out more about you and whether you have moved on. In order to find out, the new gal has to try to make your heart flutter. If she managed, it is a sign that you have moved on. If not, your ex gets the idea that she might have a chance (if that's what she is aiming for).

POSSIBILITY #2

Your new gal admires her senior and obsesses about her success. So she decides to walk in her footsteps, which includes having a boyfriend--that is YOU. She somehow got your contact and pretended to be anonymous to attract your attention. When she finally gets you, maybe she can tell your old flame (her superior) that she is One-up than her.

POSSIBILITY #3

Both gals with the same job and at the same place is attracted to a man who is emotionally down. They could be exchanging notes and telling each other not to feel bad about laying their eyes on the same man. Both could agree and pretend to know nothing about this conspiracy so that you will be happier with a new girl and forget about the past.

Well... whatever the reason, you heard it: "Do not play with fire".
You are already in the progress of recovering from other losses. Do not make yourself available for further emotional injuries.

P.S. With a woman that asked for NC, (possibly scheming behind your back by asking for help from this new gal), and then reconnecting again... try at least 6-9 months NC before letting your guards down.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kuulski

The girl is nice and cute and all but I would never want to hurt my ex regardless of what we have been through.

Hurt your ex?? Your ex's potential hurt should be the least of your worries. It's your own hurt you're risking if you allow her camel nose under your tent flap again. You did the right thing nipping it in the bud with the new girl, now be strong and maintain NC with the old girl. Whether she engineered the contact with the new girl, or it was just a coincidence (I do believe in them) is irrelevant, really. Leave them both alone and find a world to live in that doesn't intersect with hers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Hurt your ex??? Your ex's potential hurt should be the least of your worries. It's your own hurt you're risking if you allow her camel nose under your tent flap again. You did the right thing nipping it in the bud with the new girl, now be strong and maintain NC with the old girl. Whether she engineered the contact with the new girl, or it was just a coincidence (I do believe in them) is irrelevant, really. Leave them both alone and find a world to live in that doesn't intersect with hers.

Agree with you about the worry part I don't worry about it but at the same time I feel there is no need to create a headache this is why I chose to leave the other girl alone.
Also I don't know what all this means maybe she wants to rekindle and re-enter my life or maybe she wants to just know what's going on. Do I care? Yes to act like I don't care would be denying my own feelings which I don't think is the right thing to do. I only broke the NC because I felt acting like she wasn't emailing me or ignoring her in my case would be childish. I don't think she did anything besides express her feelings at the time and thought we should take a long break. Which we did and I don't know what is in the future I know I have things that I now see are issues that would need to be addressed first before anything. If she has changed she will try to communicate and reconcile if not then she is doing me a favor. I don't think I am emotionally ready to go out with her or even see her. I want to continue to feel things out and keep them short and sweet. The purpose for my NC was to allow the emotions to settle and get re focused and push myself to the levels I aspire to reach. Which I feel I have begun to do and honestly I don't want her or anybody else to be in the way. IF and this is a HUGE IF me and this girl decided to maintain regular contact etc.. Then I am going to make sure that I am ready and that as a friend she would bring things to the table that will enhance my life as I feel I do for her's. She has always been a good friend and as I stated there are no bitter feelings torwards her and I maintained the NC for 4 months. I would have never initiated contact and also emotionally I can handle a couple emails here and there she is not my enemy or somebody who put me through things that I would say violated my trust. I had very tough and trying year and she stood with me until the last month or so. I will see what happens but to close the door of communication just because is not the route I feel is needed. I agree there could be these things going on behind close doors. But I have no interest in figuring it out. I care about her still miss her still but I have my dignity back and I will make sure I do not settle for less then I deserve from her or anybody else.
:)

What is NC?

NC = No Contact