Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do with my lying, cheating boyfriend?

During Oct 2003, about 3 months into dating, I found out that my boyfriend was emailing girls he found online in a "hookup" website and discussing sex. He promised never to do it again. Well, less than 1 week later, I found another email so I broke it off. I should mention that he said it never went beyond the emails.

We didn't talk at all for about a week and then slowly he started calling me and we started to get back together again. He seemed genuinely sorry and allowed me 24 hour access into his emails, cell phone calls, bank statements, etc. to try to show me that he no longer had anything to hide. It took me until about July 2004 (9 months) to totally forgive him and to let all the resentment go.

Well, I found out yesterday that in Sept 2004, he went to a massage parlor for a "happy ending." He says it was a mistake. He said that we'd had an argument and he was passing by this place on the way to the mall. He said that he was feeling self-destructive and went in. He says that he wants us to work through this and that he loves me. He said that he didn't tell me when it happened because he was afraid I'd end the relationship. I definitely would have then. But, it's now a year later and we've shared so much.

I love him and I do believe that people can change. If I had never found out about the massage, I would have said we had close to a perfect relationship -- lots of touching, sensitivity, laughter, teasing, singing (offkey), playing, etc. We both are kind of quiet people, but, together, we can talk for hours. I've never been in such a pleasant, easy going relationship in which we're both so silly and laugh so much.

I want to forgive him. But, how do I figure out if I can this time? How do I make him understand that I am so devastated? I feel betrayed, but, I also think its important to understand that he wasn't seeking another girlfriend or an emotional attachment. Does that make a difference? I feel a glimmer of hope because he didn't ever have to tell me about the massage, but he said he couldn't keep it from me any longer and wanted to come clean.

He moved out, but we're in the middle of rehabbing a house to sell it. So, we can't just cut off all communication yet -- maybe after the house is done. Should I just keep my distance and allow time to reveal the answer? I was considering that maybe after some type apart, we could see a relationship therapist together. Could this work?

I think at the end, that you answered your own questions. Not too many couples can have as much fun as you two have had i.e. same humor, same off-key singing, etc, and if the intimate part of the relationship left nothing unwanted, you should seriously consider your own advice. Also, please remember that couples don't always like the same TV shows, foods, styles in clothes either and they still are happy as much as can be, that's what makes the world so interesting. I'm into computers and TV science fiction and my b/f likes neither, so what does that tell you? A friend of mine once said nobody's ever 100 percent perfect or happy, and that is so true. If you weighed the pros and cons of your relationship and have deep down already made your choice, go along with it. And if this is his only 'vice' be glad it's not anything worse. At any rate, I wish you all the best and hope you follow your gut instincts. Good luck to you and Happy Holidays.

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The web along with dating and often porn sites can be adictive behavior and just as bad as drugs and drinking on a relationship.

It sounds like he is not happy and you don't trust him.

Can a relatoinship be fixed, yes but it will take time and work. Counseling would have to be there and it would have to be a slow start. Both parties would have to be willing to make it work.

Also some key words, boyfriend, not husband, so at this point one or both have failed to want or make a long term commitment to the other.
These are often signs that one or both parties want an easy out or may not be as committed as they may even think they are.

So first will it be the same, never, can it be good or better with a lot of work, yes.

Trust is one of those things that in some level you will never have the same for him, and these past will always be remembered. But that will be your choice.

As for sites, you may want to know that often computers are "highjacked" your site is re-directed, you hit a link in an email and go someone you did not want to go.

And spyware can often make or take your computer to various sites all by itself.

But again things are additctve. Email, a person can have a dozen free email accounts and another person will never know it.

We had a young person in our office, he was hooked on visiting certain type of sites. We warned him about it, told him his computer was monitered, so that the bosses would know what sites he went to. He stopped for less than a week, he just could not stop going to these sites.
So we fired him,

Chery, thank you for the encouraging reply. I was afraid that I had totally lost my mind for even considering making up, but there are definitely so many good aspects of our relationship. We're very different too -- he practically lives in the water and I'm more of a techie -- but even though our interests are very different, somehow our personalities and strengths compliment each other in humor, affection, business, and every day life.

Fr_Chuck, you bring up some good points about how we're not married yet and that it will never be the same but it could be better with work.

I will give it time and see how things go...

I was just thinking though about the holidays... Should I totally back out of our Holiday plans and let him go solo? I'd rather not have to put on a fake happy face around his family and friends. And what about the presents?

Quote:

Originally Posted by beyondweb

Chery, thank you for the encouraging reply. I was afraid that I had totally lost my mind for even considering making up, but there are definitely so many good aspects of our relationship. We're very different too -- he practically lives in the water and I'm more of a techie -- but even tho our interests are very different, somehow our personalities and strengths compliment each other in humor, affection, business, and every day life.

Fr_Chuck, you bring up some good points about how we're not married yet and that it will never be the same but it could be better with work.

I will give it time and see how things go...

I was just thinking tho about the holidays... Should I totally back out of our Holiday plans and let him go solo? I'd rather not have to put on a fake happy face around his family and friends. And what about the presents?

What do you two want to explain to everyone else more? And as I said most couples argue now and then - the others will notice this, but you two can work together on an adequate answer. You can save the gifts to each other for a more convenient time, if it comes, so that problem's solved. Contact him and make a plan to keep it cordial. Good Luck.

If you feel like your relationship can be worked on then more power to you. Id just be a little worried the next time I had an argument just in case he seeks another " happy ending." Id tell him next time just talk things out with you instead of going off and doing what he did. No wait he PROMISED not to do it again then does it AGAIN. He goes behind your back and does this stuff which shows he can't be trusted in the first place but you trust him when he says it went no further. He allowed you complete access to his account info, emails, cell phone calls to show he wasn't up to anything. That is a very old yet clever little trick in which they gain your trust back by "sharing info" with you and then once the trust is back they are up to their dirty old tricks again. I admire those of you that are so easily forgiving cause I can't do that anymore. I hope things work out for you and that you are right about people changing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crankiebabie

If you feel like your relationship can be worked on then more power to ya. Id just be a little worried the next time I had an argument just in case he seeks another " happy ending." Id tell him next time just talk things out with you instead of going off and doing what he did. No wait he PROMISED not to do it again then does it AGAIN. He goes behind your back and does this stuff which shows he can't be trusted in the first place but you trust him when he says it went no further. He allowed you complete access to his account info, emails, cell phone calls to show he wasnt up to anything. That is a very old yet clever little trick in which they gain your trust back by "sharing info" with you and then once the trust is back they are up to their dirty old tricks again. I admire those of you that are so easily forgiving cause I can't do that anymore. I hope things work out for you and that you are right about people changing.

With my past, forgiving and forgetting is not the easiest thing to do, but some people deserve a chance, depending upon how much has been invested in the relationship, and the pros and cons evaluated. What would we all have without hope of some kind.