I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now and we have a great relationship - most of the time. I am 21 and he is 22. When I first met him he was on his way to becoming an alcoholic. Now he still drinks, but only on weekends. He wants to marry me some day and he makes me so happy. But on those weekends when he drinks too much he sometimes becomes mean. The last time it happened I thought he might be crazy. He started throwing stuff out my car window, he was yelling at me, and at one point grabbed my knee and he didn't really hurt me but with everything else he was doing it really scared me... and I still don't know what put him into that rage. Every time it happens, the next day he apologizes. I think this kind of thing has happened at least once a month. I keep telling myself I won't let it happen again. But I love him. I just don't know if I'm wasting my time or if there is actually a way to fix this. Any suggestions on what I should do?

You said, "Everytime it happens" - read that to yourself 100 times a day. Rage, anger, laying hands on you, becoming mean, throwing things out of your car - those are all indicators of a man out of control. A man in serious need of rehab, a man who is no longer capable of handling life.

What are you waiting for with him? Waiting for him to wake up one morning and say to you, "I am an alcoholic and today I am going into treatment?" Now it would be great if he would say that but seriously, it is not going to happen too soon.

What are you doing to enable his drinking and behavior? Are you co-dependent? By not confronting him with your feelings, telling him that you cannot stay with someone who treats you like he does, when he drinks, you are allowing him to keep on doing his thing.

Now you cannot physically change him. What you can do is getting yourself well - in your perspective, your attitude, and emotional development. Getting off the enabliing train - does not mean you do not love him but it does mean you separate your love for him from supporting his alcoholism.

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When I was married I went to an Al-Anon because I finally realized I could not stop my husband from his drinking and I could not change what he was doing. Al-Anon gave me great insight into my own culpability in the situation. Not that I was the blame of the drinking, but I sure played an active role by my reactions and covering up for him and excuses. The old, "but I love him" and "I know he loves me." Which was true, but love is not enough here. Make no excuses for him. Make no excuses for you tolerating this any longer.

IF you do not make some steps towards your own well being, you can expect to see things get worse. Your boyfriend may need an intervention and that needs to be handled carefully and with good support from people who can rightly do so. Getting well has to be on his shoulders.

It won't end unless some drastic change is "brought upon". He either needs to go to a therapist, at which point you will have to walk this very rocky path with him, or you need to break it off and let him do it on his own. I can tell you this from my own experience. I was right there with you. I wasn't physically abusive but I became verbally abusive. My ex and I where smart enough to realize we both needed to be apart to fix our broken psyche's. He needs his time. If you stay and just accept it he'll keep dishing. There is a Tibetan Buddhist proverb that I have come to admire.

One Buddhist is sitting by a lake where he says a scorpion fall into the water. Another Buddhist watches while his friend fetches the scorpion out of the water at which point the scorpion stings his friend. The friend asks why did you save that scorpion if it meant it would sting you. The stung Buddhist tells him, the scorpion stung me because it is in it's nature do so, much like it is in my nature to save him.

What it means is that even when the circumstances are clear we often do what is in our nature to do. Being human, fortunately, means we can adapt. That means he can change, but it will take a significant amount of work to do so. I wish you luck. Please for both your sakes choose wisely.

Whoah. If you have a feeling he could physically hurt you, then that is a HUGE RED FLAG right there.

No woman should feel as though her man could possibly hit her. So the fact that you're getting this "feeling" is enough for you to leave for the sake of safety, or it's sign enough for him to realize he needs to get help! Option A or B needs to be done before this goes too far.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing by seriously questioning this behavior on this forum, instead of neglecting it.

It doen't matter how much, or when someone drinks, if it causes problems then it needs to be addressed. Educate yourself as the others have said, and know you must make a choice to protect yourself. If he wants to change he can, as there is a lot of support out there. For now leave him alone, he must want to conquer his demons himself.

And the first time he hits you, you will forgive him, and the second time there will be an excuse, and by the fourth time you will learn to expect it, since now you will believe it is your fault.

This is not going to get better, only worst and more often

GET OUT I was in a relationship just like that trust me it doest stop there it gets a lot worse themore that he knows you love him the more he plays on that as control he will make you feel guilty for getting mad and wanting to leave he will make you think that you can do something to help him to stop being this was next thing you know you have lost so much time and you will be in so deep what if you got pregnant like I did and you are forever bound to this gut I have had to mave and I have restraining orders and because of the child he has even more rage whe he drinks he loses his sense of reality and very bad things can and will happen you need t tell him this :" I love you and I want to spend my life with you and if you love me you will respect what I have to say then you tell him that you are going to give him some space if you live together stay with a friend or parents but tellhim that if he loves you and wants a future with you he needs to cn himself up take some angermanagement tell him you will be if doesn't agree leave him

Thank you all for the advice... I know it might not be right but I can't leave him yet. I know I really need to sit down with him and have a long talk to see what his problem is or if he's even aware that he has a problem. Most of the time I just let it go so it's partly my fault that he thinks he can get away with it. Thank you!

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Most of the time I just let it go so it's partly my fault that he thinks he can get away with it

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Before you have that talk with him, get the facts about his disease first. Its important you know the right way to go about this.

My advice is if he does have a problem he's aware but will be in denial I'm sorry to say but unless he's ready to admit he has a problem he won't admit or really mean it if he says he will change this isn't something that he can just stop he will need help no matter what he says just always remember this is nothing you can fix he needs to do that you can support don't enable but support you need to draw your bottom line and make that clear to him and if he crosses it you need to follow through good luck

If he can get that drunk that he goes into rages where he doesn't know what he is doing he will not change unless he wants to and often hitting rock bottom doesn't get them to want to change. Is he drinking whiskey or other hard liquor an old boyfriend of mine would get violent when he drank whiskey. Also he could be hiding a drug addiction too. Crack will make you go into rages where you don't know what you are doing.
You need to leave him and be serious about it. If he loves you that much maybe it will be enough to wake him up. But I guarantee you he will not change because you want him to.

I think you're wasting your time. These things typically only get worse with time. This is a bad situation that's brewing here. I'd get out now while you can.

Most likely he is full of rage that is why he is using alcohol as his medicine. It does not always work and make the feelings of rage go away. Drinking or not he is going to fly into these rages. It is just a matter of time... you will see it when he is sober then he will have a different excuse for his behavior... tired, you peed him off,the guy in car, the store clerk he was angry at the boss there is always an excuse and it will never be his fault.
You have a long hard road in front of you if you stay with this man.
Make sure that you don't have children with him or they will be the object of his rage someday.
Best advice I can give you is to find yourself a good counselor, learn about alcoholism and domestic violence.

I was wondering about the drug thing... what are signs that he might be doing cocaine?

When my ex was doing drugs I could tell because well if he is using cocaine or crack his eyes would look huge and glassy he would be grabbing his face a lot like his chin he would be hyper paranoid and act like his mind was racing 10000 miles a min depending on his situation people with crack addictions will do anything to get more like if he has no money he will sell stuff my ex once told me his playstation got broken and was in the shop later to find out he sold it for drugs he would disappear for a couple days if he was just doing cocaine he would stay up all night and not go to bed till like 10 or 11 the next day pay attention to who he is hanging out with if he is using he will probably cling to one person that is using to users like to use together because it makes tham feel less guilty that someone else is doing it with them if he does have a person he's hanging with is he going places a lot that you can't go does he seem very secretive another thing I used to do was take his license or credit cards out of his wallet when he would get back and wipe my fingers along the edges because he would them to cut up the cocaine you will get residue in your fingers if he has see if he has any dollar bills that look like they were rolled up for snorting if he is using crack he will have a glass pipe somewhere it will be black on one end those are some tips to get you started check into it and post what you find I'm interested to know how this works out for you good luck and remember if he is using don't confront him until you are safely away because that could send him into an extreme rage users and very defensive

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Originally Posted by MelissaNicole

I was wondering about the drug thing...what are signs that he might be doing cocaine?

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Mood swings, frequent runny nose, weight gain, lethargy, inability to sustain an interest in normal activities such as work, friends, etc.

Do you want to be a detective or a girlfriend? Your 21, enjoy your youth... don't spend it checking up on someone going through their wallet, sniffing items, peering into their eyes waiting, and watching for signs of alcohol and drug use.

Sweety find you some meetings and go and learn about addictions. You need support, because it will get worse, you need to learn to let go, distance yourself emotionally so you don't continue to get hurt by his substance abuse and the root cause of it.

You need to ask yourself why are you still with a guy that wants to scare you, scream at you and show you rage, destroy your things and put his hands on you. Chances are it will only get worse if he doesn't seek help. Here is a domestic violence hotline #1-800-799 7233, pick up your phone boook, you should be able to find some local groups that has meetings... safe house etc... give them a call.