Wow, I can't believe I'm writing on this... I think I just need to get it out to ease my own mind. Here goes:

My husband and I were long-distance up until we got married and he moved near me. We both met after college, and quickly knew we would get married. I had a lot of male friends, and I noticed after my guy and I started getting serious, I naturally withdrew from the other guys, out of respect for him. He still maintained a close relationship with one particular girl he had gone to college with. He swore up and down that he didn't even look at her "like that" and they were strictly friends. About a year into our relationship, I mentioned how it bothered me that he still was adament on talking to this girl constantly. He told me I was controlling him, and I was being insecure for no reason. He said she only called him a few times a month, that was it. I let it go. A few months later, he finally gave me the password to his personal email account. He had two accounts, one personal and one professional. I figured I would try to see his professional email by typing in the same password as the one he had given me. It worked, and I got in. And I saw he had forwarded himself (from the account that I had the password for) an email from her. It was a forward from her. NOTHING inappropriate, it was actually sent to a group of people. What bothered me about it was the fact that he felt the need to email it to another account and delete it from the one which he thought I would check. When I asked him why he felt the need to lie over something so small, he yelled at me and told me I was blowing this up and I needed to grow up. He even hung up on me. I never in a million years thought there was anything inappropriate going on there, until that point when I realized he lied to me. A few months later, the night of our formal engagement party, I go through his Blackberry and see he had deleted all of his texts. I was messing around with it and found a search bar. I typed in her name, and out popped a massive list of texts back and forth between them. He had never stopped talking to her, lied to me, and completely played me for a fool. Yet he says there was nothing going on, why feel the need to lie? We went through with the engagement, because he swore it was nothing. The next day we had a long talk, and he told me the reason he did not cut her off was because getting engaged and talking marriage had him feeling like he was losing himself and he did not want me to dictate whom he spoke to. After our engagement, I was still livid about the texts. I told him to send over every single phone bill since we he told me he has stopped speaking to her (about 6 months earlier). When I got the bill, I saw he had called her at ALL hours of the night, sometimes talking for 2 or more hours. He would hang up with me, and call her. He even called her apartment number a few times. It broke my heart. Long story short, I married him. Yet I can't seem to get over this. I just need some REAL honest opinions here, do you think he was emotionally or physically involved with her?

And you married him anyway. OK, it's bothering you still. And he married you too, not her. It makes no sense at all that he would have gotten married if he was emotionally or physically involved. Sometimes though, people don't make sense, especially when love clashes with tradition.

Focus on you, not him. You can spend the rest of your life worrying about why he lied. Or, you can forgive him and forge ahead. Which would you rather do, today. Are you being the best person you can be right now, at this moment? If you are, then that is enough. His stuff is his.

I'm still stuck on the part where you go through his phone and email... that definitely isn't trust. So why did you marry someone you don't trust? Maybe... just a thought here... maybe he sensed your controlling nature and felt that since you were so adament about him not talking to her--that he would talk to her all the more -- to prove his independence. After all, we can't tell people who they can talk to. I think flat out though commitment might have scared him so he clenched on to something from his past. Does he still talk to her now?

You can never, ever be sure someone is not going to cheat on you. They will find a way and a place to do it if that is what they want to do... You can do nothing to stop it.
All your controlling, crying, checking, following them etc... will not stop them.
Nothing gives one person the right to tell another person what they can or can not do. But,
You have the right to determine what type of a person you want to be married to. Stop wasting your energy on trying to control someone else. It'll never work and it's exhausting.

If they are friends why haven't you met her?? My wife has met all my friends, even the female ones, and they are friends. I think it best to meet her for yourself, and then you can see for yourself whether there is reason for this to be a problem.

I would suggest that if he is so adimate about being friends with her and there is nothing going on then couldn't you arrange something where the three of you go out to dinner or something you should be able to tell if there is tension or if they are uncomfortale being together with you around and if she is no threat then he shouldn't hesitate when you present this idea to him

I agree with Bushg and that could be the simple explanation of why he is hiding his contact with her because he doesn't want to be nagged or controlled.
My theory is don't nag and control but look for red flags and if you give him enough rope he will hang himself IF he IS doing anything. She could be like a sister figure to him and/or somebody that he can turn to for advise and nothing more.

I can't get over the fact that you married him after all those red flags kept popping up.
Tell him, you'd like to invite her over for dinner and get to know her. See how he reacts to that.
Was he attached to her? You don't talk to somebody that often unelss you are.
Is she still in his life?

Ill admit it is odd that you have not met his friend, but to be honest you have major trust issues with you husband, (fiance at the time) especially if your going through his phone and e-mails, what are you trying to find? It seems like you want him to cheat on you because by pestering him and snooping through his private stuff you will probably push him towards some one else. But bottom line if you don't trust him which it is evident you do not you should have never married him, and if he had cheated on you he would not have married you, instead he would have married this other person so stop concerning yourself with it and trust this man, because from what I'm reading it seems he is faithful so trust in him.

I don't see him as being so faithful. He married her because he didn't want to lose her, the same reason men stay married to their wives and have a girl friend on the side. They want their cake and eat it too. Her mistake was marrying him in the first place.
But now that she has, she needs to deal with it. Trust him. Stop snooping in his things, but the first sign of cheating, cut him loose.

I really can't believe you married him. Wow. I would have made him choose. Especially if he's talking to her more than you. Its almost as if she married him.

This is from 2007