Ask Me Help Desk - How To "Re-Attract" An EX

Some days ago, someone wrote to me asking for some advice, and I thought it would be helpful for everyone here, who has been recently dumped from their ex (this sample is about a woman who dumped a guy), to read a part of this conversation.

The mail: I have a question that I would appreciate if you could give a helpful answer. Is it possible to "re-attract" someone who may have blown you off as too easy or a wussy? How long should you wait to see if you can somehow, cleverly get this woman interested in you again? We don't move in the same circles but I have started to be around where she is so I can "ignore" her or make a cocky come back to her. Any suggestions or advice?

>>>MY COMMENTS:

The real problem starts usually when a woman gets to the point where she doesn't want to be with a particular man, and there may be a lot of factors involved.

1. She has made a mental decision that this isn't what she wants anymore.

2. She has a gut-level emotional feeling associated with the man and the situation, and she just doesn't "feel it" anymore for the man.

3. There are usually patterns of communication, thought, and feeling in these situations that act as further nails in the proverbial coffin.

And to make matters even worse, most guys make the huge mistake of doing EXACTLY THE WRONG THINGS when a woman does leave... to the point where they make it virtually impossible that she's going to change her mind.

All in all, it's typically a lot easier to just get on with your life and start dating other woman than it is to try to get a woman back.

With that said, I'll share some ideas that might help you get to the next level, whether you decide that getting her back is what that level is, I'll leave to you.

So what are the mistakes men make that seal the deal and make it almost impossible to get a woman back?

Here are a few:

1. Acting like a NEEDY WUSS. This is a big one. Here's the situation: Woman leaves, man feels strong emotions of depression, strong physical cravings for her, and creates strong psychological rationalizations for trying to get her back. This leads to calling, visiting, confessing love, crying, and other similar behaviors.

Unfortunately, most guys don't think for even a SECOND about what the WOMAN is seeing. And in most cases, the woman is already disgusted with the situation. This kind of wuss display only makes things 10 times worse.

2. Letting it destroy their lives. It sucks when you lose someone you love. I believe that humans naturally feel depressed and upset when they lose someone they love...

But the problems start when you stop living, and you let the emotions take over. Instead of staying involved with life, some guys let depression and feelings of sadness control them, and wind up spiraling into even worse states of mind and body than they were in when the breakup happened originally.

This, of course, can be pretty bad.

3. Pining away over the woman for weeks, months, or even years after the fact. Too many guys (and women) will just sit around hoping that their relationship "fixes itself". This creates all kinds of negative emotional states, unrealistic expectations, and strange vibes when you do communicate with the ex.

So what's the answer?

Well, in general, when a relationship comes to an end, you need to GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Stay busy, get things going.

Don't allow negative emotions to create a permanent belief that you'll never feel better again.

The strange truth is that if you want to cause someone who you've had a relationship with to feel ATTRACTION again for you, you're going to have to do basically the same things that you'd do with someone NEW that you meet.

And never forget the power of jealousy. You are not trying to play any tricks in here by going on with your life. It's the ex who sees you and your reactions as a challenge. If your ex learns that you're getting on with your life and seeing other people, she's FAR more likely to take a renewed interest in you.

In other words, if you sit around and sulk you're not going to become more attractive.

If you call all the time and beg for forgiveness, or talk about how much you miss her, or whine and cry, this will probably only drive her further away from you.

Just like when you meet an attractive woman who's used to getting a lot of attention from men... you must GIVE HER THE SPACE TO MISS YOU. You need to get on with your life, don't call often, play "hard to get", tease her and have fun, and let her know that
You're dating other people and moving forward to enjoy your life.

THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT CREATES THAT MAGICAL GUT-LEVEL ATTRACTION that I'm always talking about.

By the way, I honestly believe that women can tell ALMOST INSTANTLY if you're the kind of man that she's going to feel ATTRACTION for.

How?

By the way you look at her, the way you hold yourself, the way you speak to her, and kinds of things you say.

I hate admitting when someone's right when I haven't figured out the answer myself, but I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

I just have a few questions:
1. How much experience of this kind of situation have you had?
2. How long did you wait before coming to this realisation? Was it after a breakup?
3. What happens if she moves on before you get a chance to show her that you've moved on?

Thanks - Good advice all-round :)

Yeah,this is great advice.I only worry that if a man,as the hunter doesn't chase what he is after,will the woman think he is no longer interested,and move on,meaning that a possible relationship has been lost due to male,female stubbornness??

Quote:

Originally Posted by bustertypsy

Yeah,this is great advice.I only worry that if a man,as the hunter doesn't chase what he is after,will the woman think he is no longer interested,and move on,meaning that a possible relationship has been lost due to male,female stubborness????

Good question but ask yourself this... if you dumped someone and really wanted them back would you not at least somehow make them aware of that , I think I would and I'm pretty sure most would.

Nice post Matteus BTW.

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Good question but ask yourself this.........if you dumped someone and really wanted them back would you not at least somehow make them aware of that , I think I would and I'm pretty sure most would.

Nice post Matteus BTW.

I totally agree,your answer has given me strength.It is amazing how much one's strength and confidence can be knocked by a break up.You make absolute sense,thank you for replying!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bustertypsy

I totally agree,your answer has given me strength.It is amazing how much one's strength and confidence can be knocked by a break up.You make absolute sense,thank you for replying!

Yes very true buster , welcome to the emotional rollercoaster. I wish you well in your recovery.

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Yes very true buster , welcome to the emotional rollercoaster. I wish you well in your recovery.

An emotional rollercoaster is probably about the best way to describe how a breakup feels... I always knew I hated rollercoasters for a reason.

Good post Matt, I had trouble with this though,

Quote:

Just like when you meet an attractive woman who's used to getting a lot of attention from men... you must GIVE HER THE SPACE TO MISS YOU. You need to get on with your life, don't call often, play "hard to get", tease her and have fun, and let her know that
You're dating other people and moving forward to enjoy your life.

I'm about just being yourself, have fun, but play no games. Good post, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jomore

3. What happens if she moves on before you get a chance to show her that you've moved on?

Thanks - Good advice all-round :)

Showing her anything is a waste of time, and nothing to even consider. The focus should be on you, not her.

I want you all to know that I was just sent this beginning thingy by a person who thought I was blowing him off. Actually, I thought he was blowing me off.

SO, I think your advice was stupid. The sooner he was honest with me, the sooner we could reconnect and start getting back together.

If he just started acting like he did not care, and getting on with his life, then I would think he didn't care about me.

How about just being honest? Call the girl. Say you like her. Tell her that you believe in her, that you can move on if she really does not want to treat you with respect, but you would prefer being with her - as long as she can respect you. If she does not respect you, then just say goodbye.

This advice seemed childish to me.

Hey Matt, How about a better title??

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Hey Matt, How about a better title????

Like, how to give your life a second chance to be happy ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jomore

I hate admitting when someone's right when I haven't figured out the answer myself, but I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

I just have a few questions:
1. How much experience of this kind of situation have you had?
2. How long did you wait before coming to this realisation? Was it after a breakup?
3. What happens if she moves on before you get a chance to show her that you've moved on?

Thanks - Good advice all-round :)

1. Experience... Enough is never enough.

2. Our actions, reactions and feelings are controlled by our minds. And there is a science called psychology, which shows how our minds work in given situations. We all have the same feeling when we love someone, or when we hate someone, and we all act like the same when it comes to breakups, being a dumper or dumpee. Now, my point through the post was this: doing exactly the opposite of what a dumpee does. A dumpee cries, stalks, feels down, begs, etc (well, normally). And the dumper acts cold, distant, etc. Sounds familiar? Psychology tells that our mind in this situation, as a dumper, waits for all of these of these reactions from the dumpee. After that, comes the real end, "mission accomplished".
So, I would say, that the breakup goes through the same stages. Argues, breakup, begging, crying, and after that the real end. Ok, I made it short, but you know what I mean. By doing exactly what I told, which is in fact the opposite of what a dumper expects from you, in this case is called the reverse psychology, all you do, is breaking these "stages" of the breakup, and making the dumper (lets suppose that you were together for at least more than 6 months together, so you had time to go through at least one of the 5 stages of a relationship) wonder. Have you ever had a friend who ignored or made fun of you, and you wanted more of his company? I guess yes. Why did that happened? Its exactly as anyone here knows "you want to have what you dont have". It's the same thing, but in this case there is a dumper and a dumpee. Let your mind work in the opposite after being dumped. Do exactly the opposite of what your feelings tell you to do, after got dumped. It's the reverse psychology. Will it help? No one can give a definitive answer, but at least you won't let your power go away, and your life will go on, with or without your ex around you.

3. What happens if she moved on, before you did... All that post was in fact about you and your chances. If she moved on so quickly, well, their loss, not yours. It means she wasn't with you since the beginning, and here you don't have nothing to lose. People who once loved you, after a breakup are still hurt, although they may be the dumper. But if they aren't, that means they didn't really loved you, or they love was so superficial, and you were just another train in the long run.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bustertypsy

Yeah,this is great advice.I only worry that if a man,as the hunter doesn't chase what he is after,will the woman think he is no longer interested,and move on,meaning that a possible relationship has been lost due to male,female stubborness????

Long time ago, I read a book and there was a great sample of "chasing"... There was the wave and the stone. The wave was so in love with the stone, and every day and night she asked the stone to come with her in the middle of the ocean. The stone resisted for a long time, but once he wanted to go after the wave, he sank into the ocean. The wave felt alone without the stone, and searched for another stone...

So, that man, who once was the stone, now is sank, and that chasing now becomes stalking!

A dumper should chase, may chase, is allowed to chase, not a dumpee! And a dumpee isn't showing any sing of stubbornness, by respecting the decision of the dumper.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cindycindy

I want you all to know that I was just sent this beginning thingy by a person who thought I was blowing him off. Actually, I thought he was blowing me off.

SO, I think your advice was stupid. The sooner he was honest with me, the sooner we could reconnect and start getting back together.

If he just started acting like he did not care, and getting on with his life, then I would think he didn't care about me.

How about just being honest? Call the girl. Say you like her. Tell her that you believe in her, that you can move on if she really does not want to treat you wtih respect, but you would prefer being with her - as long as she can respect you. If she does not respect you, then just say goodbye.

This advice seemed childish to me.

Childish, respecting their choice... Really great. But you, as a dumper, would never consider their hurt, their feelings, their rights to know your opinion about the relation before you breakup, and now you expect him to act like he cares?? Common, if you cared, at least when you were hurt during the relation you could communicate with him, not just staying there doing nothing, but expecting things to go worse, and your opinion doing a negative self-feeding, and your mind working against the relation. But as you know, the greatest breakups end with a dumpee who only after the breakup knows why he has been dumped and never gets another chance. As they say... just because...

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Good post Matt, I had trouble with this though,

I'm about just being yourself, have fun, but play no games. Good post, though.

Well, to anyone here who thought I was writing this post as a way to get your ex back... There was a hidden message in that post. You give yourself a second chance to be happy again (by going on with your life)!! And in the same time you give yourself "a second chance" with your ex, by letting them know that you aren't feeling down as they thought you will, and they may see you as a challenge after that. Is this a game? I don't think so. They wanted out, and you are letting them go out. Why should you act like you don't like their decision? They already knew you won't like their decision, before leaving you. There is no need to chase them, or beg them to stay, as it won't change nothing for better. Neither being rude to them. You act like yourself, and respect their decision. Do you feel happy? Sure. A little down, but you have to tell yourself this: No one can make you happy, but you! No one can take care of you, but you! And by acting like a needy, a wuss, someone who cries (everyone here says that is normal to cry), you just accomplish their mission: Leaving you! Everyone who was once a dumper, knew already what was going on in mind of the partner he/she left, and was expecting the ex to act like a stalker, crying, etc. That way, that was an ego boost for the dumper, and the dumper got all the power he needed. But this way, you, as a dumpee, aren't losing anything and your power remains still yours. Are you going to win your ex back by not letting your power go? More No and less Yes! But at least you won't lose your dignity by going after the dumper.

Mattheus,I love your posts,I love your responses even more.Anyone who can have Talaniman agree with a response knows what they're talking about.I mean Talaniman is sharper than a surgeons scalpel.Anyway just wanted to compliment you on your many words of wisdom and for giving me great strength through your posts.Keep up your excellent work.

Is it a good idea to act a bit distant while you are still in a bf/gf relationship of 2 months, if you feel as though she may be losing interest in you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by aiyerrc

is it a good idea to act a bit distant while you are still in a bf/gf relationship of 2 months, if you feel as though she may be losing interest in you?

Its one of my favorite "games". In fact, you shouldn't get so close after 2 months of relation, as you both don't know each other to let yourself fully in. Anyway, as for your case, I would recommend this "game", as a way to let you see the things in a different light, as distance really balances your heart and your mind in this case. Reactions after this game, will be:
1. Makes you see things differently, and maybe saves you from some unwanted circumstances,
2. It's a way to show your girlfriend through your actions, which are better than words, that you aren't "feeling" the same like before and that you are hesitant.
3. Won't let you be taken for granted, and you remain the catch.

There is no "lost interest" as far as I know. What exists is "taken for granted" stage in a relation, that kills the relation mostly.

Matteus, whens the last time I told you I loved you?

The only thing I'm worried about is I think she believes in the guy calls the girl type deal. She may want to call me, but she may be thinking the same think I am. "hmm, he hasnt called me, but im the girl, so ill just wait for him to call me" that's what I feel she may be thinking.