Amber, my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation with my adopted daughter. She was a victim of neglect, physical abuse and sexual abuse in the first 4 years of her life. She now suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder. Nearly two years ago I had to place her into residential treatment. It was the most second most difficult decision I have ever had to make. The most difficult was signing her over to Children's Services in order for her to continue to receive some form of care after age 16 and to protect myself and my family this March, just days prior to her 16th birthday. I KNOW what you are going through.
It sounds to me that your son has also been abused. He loves you, but because of the way he is, when he is angry or hurt, he hates you even stronger. You and your family are in danger. Do NOT give up on trying to find the answers you need! Arrange another meeting with Children's Services and ask them to tell you what your options are with this boy. Make it very clear that you and your family are in danger! They are not just there for the 12 year old, they are there to protect your other children as well.
As with my daughter, your son's disorders and needs are quite complex. You are right, unless people have lived with a child so troubled and unpredicatable, they do not have any understanding what it is like. I personally believe that your son might be helped if he receives some form of attachment therapy. Why don't you check out
RadKid.org? The website can be a valuable source of information, ideas and support and they provide information on ADHD, Asperger, ODD, Bipolar, NLD, Depression and PTSD. I truly believe your son probably suffers from most of these disorders, but even if he doesn't, the information on that site will prove to be invaluable. I remember when I first found their
Support Forum I thought the people had very negative outlooks. Over the years I have learned that they experience far more than most people can imagine. My daughter's case was one of the most extreme cases. It sounds like your son's is almost identical.
More than anything you need to find a support network. RadKid.org has an extensive list of resources and books that should help you learn how to do this and you can give people involved with your son this information, too. I urge you to read "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. Please, don't take any chances... as much as you love your son, you know that he is unpredictable and dangerous - he has shown it over and over again. The older he gets, the more dangerous he becomes.
If you would like other resources, or just someone to talk to who understands... please feel free to contact me. My heart goes out to you, your son and the rest of your family. The next few years are imperative!
Hugs, Didi