I met my girlfriend 3 years ago and she was already smoking dope.she is 27 and she likes the stuff a lot. I want our relationship to go to the next level, marriage. But how do I make her see that a family whose mother uses dope, drinks, comes back late at night or early in the morning drunk and smokes cigarettes is not the right person to raise kids. We do not have any yet, but maybe we will. :(

Mate, no kids no problem, say goodbye. I stayed with my ex for 18 years with her issues and hated 17 of them. The last day was the worst. Stop being needy and klingy. Grab your gonads and end it. A tough decision to make life better. No one has a fairy wond to change things for you, you have to do it.
Does anyone really need to tell you that?

Is she possibly pregnant? If she's definitely not, then you need to get away from her. I know that you love her and believe me everyone needs something to love. She is just not at the stage where she is either ready and or willing to mature to the point that she is ready for marriage. If you want to give her a chance, I would possibly tell her your feelings and say something along the lines of being uneasy about getting married to someone that drinks and smokes dope and comes in late all the time. Keeping an open line of communication is very important in a relationship, and however you decide to tell her, don't hold anything back.

First off, you don't get in a 3 year relationship for what they "could" be. You should be in the relationship for who they "are". You can't go into looking at it like "well she'll change". No, she won't (probably). She was the same when you met her... why is it a problem now and not then? I do understand your point about the children... but there are none right now.How do you know that she wouldn't stop if that situation came about?

I am not condoning or putting down what she does. She is grown... and that is the point. Have you tried to talk to her about the way you feel about her smoking and drinking? If not then you should give her the benefit of the doubt that she just may give it up if you let her know how you feel. If she doesn't, then I would say it's time to go. You can not make someone change who they are or what they do.

Another question... are you saying that when she comes home from the drinking scene, you haven't been with her? Or are you there and just not drinking?

If she smoked when you met her and it wasn't an issue I don't see how you can tell her now that you don't like it... I just think its wrong to all of a sudden say "well I dont like it and if im going to have kids one day then I can't have it." If you love someone then you love them for who they are, you can't make them what you are or what you want them to be. I agree with rpg as well you can't say she wouldn't end her party life (like most people do) when they are pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant. If you can't love her for her no matter what you need to move on.

I agree with the others - you need to move on. You cannot do one of those extreme makeovers on your girlfriend - it will not work. You accept her as she is or not at all. You want children someday - do in a home and with a wife that is acceptable to you. You are right, no child should be seeing a parent drunk or high. Situations like that could lead to child endangerment or neglect. Smoking cigarettes - there is evidence that second hand smoke can cause cancer.

You have invested three years too many already. She was not your dream woman to begin with, I dare say. Or else your priorities have changed in these past three years. Move on and find the woman that does meet your standards.

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Originally Posted by msandi

I met my girlfriend 3 years ago and she was already smoking dope.

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Hello ms:

So, you didn't smoke with her? I have a hard time believing that - a REAL hard time.

excon

You can't change people because your ready for something more, and she isn't. You can either work together, or move on to someone else, who doesn't have to party so much, and is ready for what you want. Obviously she isn't.